44. Can't sleep, just dozing off
When Chu Chiyi was a child, his parents each had their own work, life, and even partners, so no one had time to take care of him and left him with his grandparents.
His grandmother was a university Chinese literature teacher before she retired, and his grandfather was an engineer in a military factory.
The little boy was full of energy. Every day at noon and in the evening, when it was time to sleep, he could never fall asleep. He looked forward to going out and playing with the other children in the compound, so he played hide-and-seek with his grandparents.
At that time, Chu Chiyi didn't quite understand what the words were trying to express.
But many years later, he had forgotten most of the poems, classics, and atomic reactions that his parents had taught him when he was a child. Only that old saying remained clearer in his memory.
He himself couldn't explain why. Was it because it was a true reflection of his life later on?
In particular, he spoke very much like he was in a relationship with someone else.
He met Mu Jia for the first time when he was seventeen, which was also the first time in his life that he considered ending everything.
That day, she gave him a band-aid with a pink Strawberry Bear cartoon design on it.
He had intended to remove it, but she wouldn't let him.
Actually, that time, he wasn't persuaded by her, but by his own heart.
But he quickly regained his senses, so what?
His life will not be changed by a chance encounter or a band-aid.
In the deserted alley behind the restaurant, the smell of cooking oil and swill mixed together, almost making one nauseous. It was impossible to imagine the clean, respectable, and glittering side of the restaurant that it presented to the public.
How much like many people's lives are!
He stood in the shadows, his two fingers gripping the cold metal weapon tightly in his pocket.
But when I looked up, I saw her again.
She was looking at him too, but the next second, she used her body to block her mother's probing gaze.
He saw her turn her back and walk away with her mother. After a while, he suddenly realized that his finger had been burned by the cigarette.
He stared at her retreating figure in her school uniform for a few seconds, then threw his cigarette and the knife from his pocket into a nearby trash can and turned to leave.
He walked a few steps in the opposite direction and thought, "I never want to see her again."
Unfortunately, fate had other plans; she turned out to be Lu Siming's sister.
Pei Lan immersed him in those entertainment venues, and many men and women showed him affection. Gradually, he began to lose his ability to distinguish between well-intentioned goodwill and malicious contact.
But there was no way. If he didn't smile or talk, he would never be able to sell the "ten thousand bottles of wine" that Pei Lan had ordered for him, nor would he be able to pay her back.
So he doesn't know exactly when it started, but in his life, he gradually stopped knowing how to deal with other people's advances, especially from the opposite sex.
Others think he's arrogant and aloof because he's too outstanding.
Only he himself knew that at his worst, he even experienced physiological reactions.
For example, at school, during Christmas, a girl would give him a card and an apple. Even though he knew she meant no harm, he would still secretly clench his fingers into his palm to grit his teeth and barely suppress his physical nausea.
Until one day, Pei Lan forced him to play the piano again, and they happened to run into Mu Jia, who was having dinner at the restaurant.
On that occasion, a female customer also showed him kindness by giving him dessert, but he couldn't refuse it. Instead, he had to smile apologetically and politely express his gratitude.
After he finished playing the piece, he couldn't hold it in any longer and wanted to go to the bathroom to vomit.
Unexpectedly, Mu Jia cornered him in the restroom again.
That day, she told him, "Whether you do this or that, just be yourself. As long as you don't bother others, you don't need to care what others think."
The next day, she asked Lu Siming to give him the same cake.
Later he learned that she had made it herself.
It turns out that for many things, as long as you have a clear conscience, you don't need to think too much.
Just like a raw chocolate mousse, it may just be a simple little cake that carries the good intentions of others.
After that incident, those things gradually stopped stimulating him to produce any physical discomfort.
And some other things, which he had never experienced before, were brought to him by Mu Jia.
Sometimes they would feed stray cats downstairs in the apartment complex. Mu Jia would look at his profile and suddenly reach out and trace a U-shaped arc under his face. She was always frank and outspoken: "Chu Chiyi, you look better when you smile."
She said that it was when she first started kindergarten. She would cry every morning when she entered the school. At that time, her mother would make this gesture to her from a distance through the fence outside the kindergarten, reminding her to be happy.
Later, their distance became both near and far, but whenever he encountered a difficult hurdle, he would still habitually draw a line in the air with his right index finger.
Strangely enough, my mood always lightens up during the upward half of the U-shaped curve.
I don't know if it was because of that gesture, or because I remembered her.
She taught him to be gentle, and with her own most vibrant joys and sorrows, she transformed his "existence" into "life."
She was always like this, subtly influencing many of his decisions without her even realizing it.
Before he entered his senior year of high school, Mu Jia pestered him to teach her physics competitions.
He wouldn't give in, and she actually managed to keep pestering him all the way to the nightclub.
That night, she came to see him, and Pei Lan happened to see her.
Later, in the nightclub's fire escape, Pei Lan slapped him twice on the spot.
Then he mentioned that he should not continue his studies after the start of next school year.
But that time, he raised his head and looked directly at the woman opposite him: "Aunt Pei, I will pay back the money. If you are in a hurry, I can give you my parents' house, and even my grandparents' house, as collateral. But I still want to continue my studies."
Previously, he didn't really have any particular feelings about whether or not to continue his studies.
What good will it do to keep studying?
He never showed any expression after hearing this, because until Chu Jingkuo died, this was the usual way people talked about him.
Pei Lan wasn't wrong; if he hadn't studied for a few years, he might not have died such a tragic death.
But that night, he suddenly thought, if he stopped reading, how would he teach her?
If he stops studying, then they will truly be from two different worlds from now on.
But he still wanted to go to another world, the world where she was.
He asked himself honestly, "What do I want to do? What do I want to achieve?"
But often, even though he wanted to do well, he didn't know why he just couldn't.
For example, in bed, he often made her cry.
Afterwards, he would reflect on his actions and eventually come to the conclusion that, ultimately, it was because his desire and obsession with her were too deep.
He first realized this when he was in his senior year of high school, on the day Song Xiuyu suddenly came to his door.
That same afternoon, Mu Jia also arrived.
He watched her sit on the sofa doing her test paper, seemingly unconcerned. He reached for the black coffee on the table, but she beat him to it, saying, "If you're sleepy, take a nap. There's nothing I can't do today; I can do it myself. I'll call you when I'm done."
He didn't get to drink the coffee in the end, but he never expected that he would actually fall asleep on the sofa.
He was half-asleep when he felt the girl silently lean in and gently kiss him on the cheek.
Her lips were cool, just enough to soothe the spot where Song Xiuyu had hit him earlier that day.
What did he feel at that moment?
It's hard to say.
Aside from her heart pounding, all she knew was that she hadn't eaten or drunk anything that day, yet she felt no hunger at all.
But after her touch, he suddenly felt hungry, and suddenly became very hungry.
A writer once said that extreme liking can sometimes be expressed as appetite, a feeling of wanting to completely devour the other person.
He should have opened his eyes then.
But he didn't; he chose to continue pretending to be asleep, acting as if he was completely unaware.
Not long ago, he had heard Mu Jia say, "My feelings fade quickly, and as soon as someone likes me, I stop liking them..."
Open your eyes and confess your feelings to her; you might experience a moment of brilliance and sweetness, but what comes after that?
He has been abandoned by too many people.
I don't want to experience that again.
In particular, this is very likely to be the most painful one yet.
Therefore, he cannot take the risk.
People who have already lived a good life cannot accept simply "existing".
That's why he reacted that way the summer after his college entrance exam when Mu Jia took the initiative to express her feelings to him.
Watching the girl's expression switch back and forth between shock, shame, and disbelief.
His heart was breaking, but he could only put on a cold face and say something like, "If I did something that caused you to have some misconceptions, then I apologize to you."
"Of course you did!" The girl couldn't hold back her tears. "Do you know when it started, when I foolishly began to think that you were interested in me too?!"
Chu Chiyi looked at her and heard her say, "When you asked Sister Ke'er to give me that notebook."
So she knew all along.
That's true. He wrote so many words on her test paper later, how could she not notice?
Before he could even react, Mu Jia seemed to have noticed something else. "Sister Ke'er? You gave me the notes because of Sister Ke'er? Did Sister Ke'er ask you for them for me back then?"
She stared at the boy opposite her in disbelief, still reeling from this unexpected "truth."
After a few seconds, seeing that he did not deny it.
She could only accept this fact, leave him behind, and turn away.
After that, they had no contact for more than a year.
A year later, Mu Jia finished his college entrance exams, and he and Lu Siming returned from university for summer vacation.
At Lu Siming's birthday party, Mu Jia, who had been drinking, once again cornered him in the restroom.
Fueled by alcohol, she threatened him, demanding that he sleep with her.
If he disagrees, then tell the other two people involved in this love triangle about his feelings for Chu Bi Ke.
He agreed. But not at all because of her so-called threat.
Because he knew very well that even if he didn't agree, Mu Jia would definitely not say a word once she woke up the next day.
She's not that kind of person.
Moreover, how could the girl who once told him, "As long as you don't bother others, do whatever you want, and no one has the right to judge you," do such a thing?
Now, he is even more certain of his understanding from back then. After all, even when such a huge change happened in her own family, she was able to pretend not to know, and she kept pretending for many years.
Looking back now, he certainly feels that his decision at the time was really awful.
But at the same time, he was secretly relieved, because at that time, he really had no other choice. If he hadn't agreed then, the two of them would never have crossed paths again.
Between remaining forever parallel and painfully intertwined, he chose the latter.
And they made the choice resolutely and calmly.
But when emotions are too overflowing and cannot be expressed, they can easily become corrupted.
He didn't know whether his feelings for Mu Jia had reached the point of obsession or perversion.
When they were in school, he would keep her draft paper. Even the shape of her draft paper was special. After each sheet was filled with writing, she would fold it into four folds, turning it into a bulging little square, and then put it aside or casually throw it into the trash can.
The colors also changed: black, brown, chestnut, pink...
But he wasn't picky. He picked them up from the snow-white sheets and pillowcases and tucked them into the thickest copy of the Civil Code with annotations in his study.
He was also responsible for her "mysteriously missing" pajamas.
He both despised himself and made excuses for himself.
She spent far too little time with him.
But every time she came back, he would hesitate again.
Perhaps no one would believe that he could also feel inferior. But in her presence, he certainly did.
Why do people feel inferior?
Perhaps it was because, without knowing when it started, he would always happen to run into her during his most difficult and desperate moments.
Perhaps it's because she's just too good.
Or perhaps, it was his own fault; he loved it too much...
For example, when Mu Jia returned to China this time, the first and second time, he was already ready to go, but he gritted his teeth and didn't touch her.
Actually, it's not because of any moral bottom line, minding that she has a boyfriend, or being unable to get over that mental hurdle... none of the respectable, high-sounding reasons are valid.
It's just because he hasn't been intimate with her for so long, and he's worried that his threshold has lowered and he won't be able to do it particularly well.
For example, he could clearly sense that she was unhappy, but she pretended to be happy in front of everyone, without having the courage to directly ask her how she was.
He knew she didn't want to admit it, so he could only take her to see a psychologist.
How well do you need to know someone else to take their place as a doctor?
He thought that if he could tell her mood from the rhythm of her breathing, he could be considered to understand her.
But the truth is, he doesn't seem to know her very well.
Otherwise, how could they have come to this point, with their path becoming increasingly winding and tortuous?
...
Once, during an argument, Mu Jia said to him very seriously, "Chu Chiyi, I hate you so much."
And what about him?
Does he hate it?
He didn't know.
All I know is that I am actually in a lot of pain.
"Endure poverty, bear with wealth, doze off when you can't sleep..." This saying, to put it bluntly, is all about "enduring."
He once thought he was very resilient, but he never imagined that there would come a day when he couldn't hold on any longer.
For many years, he felt like a stray cat, thinking he was numb and dozing off, but he couldn't actually sleep. He could only keep one eye half-closed, keenly and painfully sensing everything around him.
Watching her experience the world's splendor, sometimes happy, sometimes sad, sometimes because of herself, but more often unrelated to herself.
But when she's happy, he can't openly laugh with her, just as when she's sad, he can't openly go over and hug her.
That's the most painful thing.
Moreover, if you keep dozing off and pretending to be asleep, hesitating and not moving forward, you will really miss a lot, just like that piece of cake a long time ago, when Mu Jia asked him with great anticipation, "Is it delicious?"
But he couldn't answer.
Because he didn't eat any at all.
At first, I was reluctant to part with it.
Later on, it became inedible.
But most things in this world are like that; they have a best-before date.
Liking and loving are also examples.
He understood that he wasn't anything special; at best, he had simply appeared at a time when she was yearning for something. Before she truly understood what she wanted, he had given her some superficial illusions.
However, the halo effect is time-limited. When Mu Jia loves him, he can be the brightest star in the sky. But if she no longer loves him, he will naturally fade and fall.
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