46. Ways of saying goodbye
Mu Jia saw Yuan Mei again a week later.
Yuan Mei said the weather was nice and she wanted to go for a walk, so Mu Jia drove her to Anping Mountain in the south of the city.
When we arrived in the mountains, we were surprised to find that even in November, we could still see red leaves on the mountainside.
The two slowly climbed to the top of the mountain. Mu Jia looked at the fallen leaves under her feet and said, "Mom, I'm sorry about what happened that night."
Yuan Mei paused for a moment: "It's Mom who's sorry."
"No!" She quickly shook her head. "Mom, I've never blamed you for what happened before."
"Mom knows."
"Mom..." Mu Jia's voice suddenly choked up, "Are you really going? Is it because you're... so disappointed in me that you're leaving?"
Yuan Mei finally stopped. She turned her head to look at her daughter and suddenly smiled.
"Jiajia, what are you thinking about? Actually, I booked this trip right after the last surgery. Antarctic tours are very hard to book; you have to book six months in advance. Even you, who's always flying all over the world, didn't know that, did you?"
She suddenly smiled like a playful young girl and continued to educate Mu Jia: "Not only do you need to make an appointment in advance, but you also need to provide a health certificate. And the best time to travel is from November to March of the following year, which is now."
"Mom, but..." Mu Jia was still worried about her health.
“Don’t worry about me.” Yuan Mei knew what she was thinking. “Since they can get a certificate, it means the doctor thinks I’m fine, right? And good days only last a few days. But a certificate can’t always be obtained every year.”
"Would you like to receive postcards and fridge magnets from Antarctic research stations?"
Knowing that her persuasion was futile, Mu Jia lowered her head and continued walking.
After a while, she suddenly looked up again, deliberately smiling and acting coquettishly as she made a request: "I want the biggest and most unique fridge magnet, not the same kind you can buy in Yiwu."
"Okay." Yuan Mei smiled and reached out to flick her nose.
Mu Jia's mood improved considerably, and she began to crunch on the fallen leaves.
She thought for a moment and changed "Will you two break up?" to "Do you hate him?"
Yuan Mei shook her head quickly, almost without thinking: "A person should love themselves for life, but love is not necessarily so. Since love is not lifelong, there is no need to hate."
"Mom, do you know? Until I was seventeen, in my mind, you two were the most loving couple in the world."
“Jiajia, when I was younger, I always heard my elders say that between husband and wife, after a certain period of time, the so-called ‘affection’ becomes ‘favor’ first and ‘love’ second. At first, I didn’t understand this, but later I gradually understood that favor comes first because it is a responsibility and obligation; love comes second because it becomes the foundation and preparation.”
Mu Jia opened her mouth, as if she knew what she was talking about. After Yuan Mei fell ill, Mu Xiangming knew about it the whole time and stayed with her.
He wanted both the sense of responsibility stemming from gratitude and the love for the outside world.
But they didn't abandon any of them.
This is contradictory.
But it also seems very realistic.
"So Jiajia, please don't hate him, okay?"
"..."
“I’m not trying to excuse anyone. It’s just that since I got sick, I’ve really felt more and more that life is actually very short, too short to be wasted on hating anyone.”
Mu Jia's eyes widened, and after a while, she suddenly smiled, "Mom, has anyone ever told you that you're cool?"
"What's so cool about it?"
"Because you're going to Antarctica, which I've never been to before."
As soon as she finished speaking, they both burst into laughter.
After climbing a little further, the number of tourists decreased, and they passed by a mother and child coming down from the mountain.
The little boy got tired of climbing and started pulling on his mother's hand, clamoring to take the cable car down the mountain.
Mu Jia stared at the child's back for a long time, then suddenly said, "Mom, I'm sorry."
"Um?"
"It seems I haven't grown into the kind of adult I hoped to become when I was a child."
Yuan Mei finally stopped. "Jiajia, have I ever seriously told you this before?"
"say what?"
"What did you find?"
"I discovered that she is stronger, braver, and more tolerant than I imagined. She is much, much more capable than I thought."
Mu Jia smiled, but as she smiled, tears welled up in her eyes.
Yuan Mei still smiled and said, "Oh, right, there's another thing, which is also a lifelong matter."
"What?"
“I am your mother.” Her lips curved upwards, reminding Mu Jia of the “U” shape that Yuan Mei often drew for her when she was little, to make her happy. “Jiajia, you will always be Mom’s best daughter, my best and most precious baby.”
As they spoke, the two arrived at the famous Red Leaf Temple on the mountaintop.
It is said that if you make a wish here, whatever you ask for will come true.
An ancient tree stands at the entrance of the temple, its branches covered with wooden plaques from tourists offering their prayers.
“Let’s write some too,” Yuan Mei said, taking two plaques from the temple and inviting her to join in. “We’ll see if they work.”
After Yuan Mei finished writing a few words and tied the sign on, she saw Mu Jia still writing furiously with his head down, and couldn't help but tease him: "Your inspiration is flowing like a spring!"
Mu Jia finally finished writing, turned her back to Yuan Mei, hung up the sign, and tied two knots.
"What did you write?"
"Oh, it's a secret!" Mu Jia pushed her mother down the mountain. "I won't tell you now, I'll tell you when you get back, okay?"
Seeing her mysterious expression, Yuan Mei asked, "Excuse me? You didn't mean to pray for a good marriage for yourself, did you?"
Mu Jia stamped her foot: "Oh dear, Mom!"
The two turned and walked down the mountain. A gust of wind blew by, and the wooden sign with the red rope hanging from it fluttered in the wind.
"Mom, don't trap me, and don't let me trap you."
"And also, I want freedom, and I want to be happy and safe forever."
Because of the nature of her work, Mu Jia has to say goodbye to her relatives and friends in China every time her vacation is about to end.
Upon closer reflection, this way of saying goodbye is very similar to the continuation of the winter and summer vacations and the start of the new school year during student days.
This time, she didn't say goodbye to many people before the holiday ended.
Yuan Mei is one of them.
Chu Chiyi is another one.
When they met downstairs at Jinjiangchun Tower that night, she could roughly understand why he had chosen this location.
Chu Chiyi had reserved a private room upstairs, but she suddenly didn't really want to go up and drink that old wine again, so she suggested, "It's not too cold today, how about we take a walk downstairs?"
Of course he did as she said.
After a few seconds of silence, I suddenly heard him say again, "Jiajia, I'm sorry."
"Don't say sorry. Chu Chiyi, you have nothing to apologize to me."
As autumn and winter approach, it gets dark earlier and earlier; it may only be a little past five in the afternoon, but it's already pitch black.
She gazed at their shadows under the streetlights and suddenly said, "Do you remember the first time we walked together like this? You're tall and walk fast. So I said, 'Could you slow down a bit?'"
"After that, every time we walked together, you were always half a step behind me."
“That’s why you were able to catch me the time I almost fell down the stairs,” she turned slightly and smiled at him, “that’s why I was able to catch you so easily.”
"So you didn't do anything wrong."
"On the contrary, you are very good and have taught me a lot."
Although for a long time she did not know the specifics of what he had been through.
But she could sense that he was also shouldering something, and a lot of it.
Many of the men who pursued her said that she was very charming in the way she solved problems silently whenever something happened.
But only she knew that it wasn't entirely her. In those moments, there was the shadow of another person within her.
The shadow didn't speak, but it was always subtly telling her that as long as she was a little tougher and persevered, she could overcome many things.
"From high school exam questions to university calculus; from English speeches during my studies abroad to business disputes after I started working, you have really helped me a lot. But more important is not the outcome of those things, but the way and attitude you have in solving problems."
Mu Jia suddenly looked up and looked at him very seriously: "Chu Chiyi, you have always been a very good senior, an older brother, and even a very good mentor. So I feel that I have not wasted my time over the years."
But he suddenly became agitated: "But you wasted your feelings, didn't you?"
It's a waste to give your feelings and not receive the response you deserve.
She might feel that she didn't waste her time, but the time that should have been spent between the two of them was indeed wasted.
Those should have been the best times, the years when we could have loved each other.
It was wasted by him.
The next second, Mu Jia watched in disbelief as the man opposite her had bloodshot eyes.
She was startled at first, then exasperated, "Chu Chiyi, why are you doing this again..."
Chu Chiyi lowered his head and took a deep breath. He himself didn't really know why.
Perhaps it's because he can handle everything else, but he's helpless when it comes to her.
Or perhaps it was because he had always known that, from childhood to adulthood, no one cared about his tears except her.
Mu Jia was stunned for a long time, not knowing how to coax him, so she had no choice but to change the subject.
"And about my family, my parents' situation, my emotions... you actually already knew all about it, right?"
"Speaking of my family situation, you already knew about it, didn't you? When exactly did you find out?"
Chu Chiyi looked at her: "When you were a freshman in college, you fell asleep one time and cried in your dream, saying, 'Dad, please don't abandon us...'"
Mu Jia was speechless for a moment, then continued, "What about my mother's illness? Did you know about it before I did? Was it the day they returned from Singapore?"
Chu Chiyi looked at her and acquiesced.
"So that's why you hugged me like that and said those things when I cried later. That's why you even disregarded the 'say it and you're out' curse and insisted on confessing your feelings to me?"
On the contrary, it was her fault for not doing well; otherwise, so many things wouldn't have happened without her knowing.
“Jiajia,” she was finally interrupted, “are you giving me the friend card?”
Mu Jia looked up at him, not wanting to make excuses like the timing was wrong, the circumstances were wrong, or the order of appearance was wrong.
I don't want to say anything like "the timing wasn't right," or "when I loved you, you didn't dare to love me," or "when you loved me, I couldn't love you," or any of that cliché.
Every time she watched "Empresses in the Palace," she never skipped the Ganlu Temple scene, just to hear Zhen Huan say, "I always believe that things are up to us, and there's no need to use fate as an excuse for coming together or parting."
So she thought about it and finally said, "Maybe it's because we're not really good at loving."
Having said all that he wanted to say, Chu Chiyi offered to take her home.
Mu Jia shook her head and refused, "No need, it's not on my way."
He could only watch her back as she walked away in another direction.
He walked a few steps, then suddenly turned back.
“There’s one more thing, Chu Chiyi,” she looked at him, “When I liked you, it wasn’t because you were good, nor because you were bad. It was simply because you are you.”
Liking someone isn't about worship or obsession, so it's not because you're omnipotent or dazzling; liking someone isn't about saving them or pitying them, so it's not because you look pathetic or have red eyes.
Liking someone is simply because of that person; it has nothing to do with anything else.
Lu Siming listened, but it seemed like he didn't quite understand. He had a bad feeling, like he was reading a novel that the author abandoned and left with a terrible ending.
He felt frustrated, but he couldn't ask that jerk of an author, so he could only ask Chu Chiyi: "So what are you planning to do next?"
"Old Lu." Chu Chiyi looked at him, paused for two seconds, and then said, "I'm about to leave."
"What? Go? Where to?"
"Going to the United States. Flight in two days."
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