Chapter 46
She was indeed hungry. After eating cheap fast food in the UK for so long, a bowl of porridge like this could barely be considered a taste of home.
The dining table was extremely quiet. Lin Wan lowered his head to drink his porridge, not daring to look at Chen Yu's expression.
His expression was very cold when he came in, which reminded Lin Wan of the winter when she had no money to pay for heating in the UK.
If she hadn't seen the ingredients in Chen Yu's hand, she probably wouldn't have dared to let him in like this.
After so much time has passed, we still need to be vigilant between semi-strangers.
The porridge was scooped up spoonful by spoonful, and the bowl was gradually empty.
"Besides thank you, you have nothing else to say to me?"
Chen Yu's voice was low, and in the dim light of the dining table, it sounded like he was ready to strike.
There wasn't even a tissue on the table, and Lin Wan's lips felt sticky. She kept pursing them, hoping to alleviate the strange feeling.
"Chen Yu..." Lin Wan murmured.
"Hmm?" He uttered through his nose, his eyebrows slightly raised, and he looked at Lin Wan leisurely. His movements were leisurely, completely different from the Chen Yu before.
"I'm sorry." Lin Wan finally raised her head and looked straight at Chen Yu.
Because of fatigue, her eyes were bloodshot. At this moment, she opened her eyes wide not because of the courage to face it calmly, but more because of some kind of fear.
Lin Wan's eyes were now a little scary in their wideness.
She seemed to have lost a lot of weight, and the pajamas she was wearing were loose and dangling on her body. At a casual glance, one could see her collarbone protruding due to her excessive thinness.
The bones on the wrist were also prominent, and Chen Yu moved his gaze downwards.
He actually felt a little distressed.
But Lin Wan must never know this feeling.
Lin Wan was incredibly strong-willed, always wanting to prove he could achieve his goals without relying on anyone else. He'd always box himself into a tough shell, even when he was terrified and about to give way.
She also has to face others with a smile, and then silently digest the bitterness when she is alone, and then act very strong in front of everyone.
So, what does Chen Yu mean?
My apology wasn't sincere enough, was it?
Lin Wan stood up and leaned back against the chair with his calves. The friction between the chair legs and the ground made a slightly harsh sound.
She was going to bow.
But as soon as Lin Wan stood up, tears began to overflow from her eyes. The tears came so fiercely that they blurred her vision almost in an instant.
She held her breath, afraid that if she moved, tears would fall uncontrollably.
She can't afford to lose face.
For one or two seconds, Lin Wan fought hard to hold back her tears, not even having time to consider the expression of the person in front of her.
It wasn't easy for her either. She had been wandering around for so long but still hadn't found what she really liked. She thought that she would have found her true self by going back and forth.
That didn't happen at that time. She still followed her previous idea and moved forward step by step, doing a mediocre part-time job and studying a mediocre major.
She thought that she could change herself by going abroad, and that she could gain a strong spirit by learning martial arts.
However, none of this happened... She took everything for granted and did not see the price to be paid behind every choice.
Studying abroad is not freedom, it is just another cage.
“Pah.”
Tears slid down the bridge of my nose and landed on the silent marble pattern.
After going around in circles for so long, working so hard for so many years, and losing so much, looking back suddenly - Lin Wan didn't know what he had been doing for the past twenty-three years.
Like an ascetic, she forced herself to raise her arms high, but she never asked herself what was behind this action.
What exactly is she looking for?
A person who is unwilling to stop, a coward who is only willing to run non-stop but dare not look at what lies ahead.
"Lin Wan." Chen Yu called her.
Lin Wan raised her head and forced a smile, with tears rushing out as the corners of her mouth rose high.
"Let yourself go and give yourself a way out."
He finally slowed down his tone and stood up.
After not seeing Chen Yu for many years, he seemed to have grown a lot taller. His tall figure standing in front of Lin Wan gave people an oppressive feeling.
"Let yourself go?" Lin Wan murmured, repeating Chen Yu's words.
Why should I let myself go? Isn’t forcing myself to move forward the right choice?
Only through constant training can people become stronger, right?
Lin Wan stood there in a daze, looking at Chen Yu.
Chen Yu's eyes were filled with emotions that Lin Wan couldn't understand. His eyes were dark. He reached out and brushed Lin Wan's cheek with his fingertips, wiping away the tears that were hanging on her cheek. He turned and was about to leave.
He was too anxious, now was not the best time.
“Don’t go!”
Before Lin Wan's brain could react, her hand had already tightly grasped the corner of Chen Yu's clothes.
The house was too big and she didn't want to stay here alone.
Chen Yu's eyes were very dark, reflecting Lin Wan's miserable appearance at the moment.
Lin Wan looked at herself with tears streaming down her face and a pleading expression.
So she loosened her hands one by one.
"I'm sorry, I'm not very emotionally stable. You should go first." She said in the calmest tone she could at the time.
"What would have happened to you if I hadn't come here today?"
Chen Yu didn't leave. Looking at Lin Wan's restrained movements, he asked a question without any context.
"Will you get through this night alone, then grit your teeth and keep moving forward, pretending to be calm?"
Lin Wan stepped back and looked at Chen Yu's expression.
Chen Yu followed her footsteps, and the distance between them was quickly shortened.
"What about your friends? Even if you didn't contact me, what about your friends? Aren't they worthy of sharing the responsibility with you?"
Lin Wan bit her lip and said, "I'll take care of these things."
She has always been like this. It is enough for her to digest the bad emotions by herself. She doesn't understand why she should bother others.
"But have you solved those problems? You just hold it in and endure it."
Chen Yu reached out and pinched Lin Wan's chin, forcing her to separate her teeth that were biting her lower lip.
"Don't bite it, it's bleeding."
Lin Wan's back pressed against the somewhat chilly wall of early autumn. The unique masculine scent came over her, and the space she could move in became narrow.
"Do you know who dealt with the girl who bullied you at that time?"
Chen Yu asked, his eyes fixed on the bright red on his dry lips.
Lin Wan realized something, raised her head suddenly, and looked at Chen Yu in disbelief.
That was the period of time she least wanted to recall, like a corner that was always dark under the sun, gradually rotting and breeding insects.
"It was you who caused Qiu Siqi to drop out of school." Lin Wan's throat was dry, and every word he uttered pulled on his vocal cords, making them so tight that they hurt.
"You can think so." Chen Yu stared at Lin Wan with a half-smile.
"Who told her to be blind?"
The frivolous tone was nothing like the Chen Yu in my memory.
Lin Wan's body was completely enveloped in Chen Yu's shadow. The early autumn weather was a bit humid, and the air was filled with the smell of decay.
She raised her head and bit her lower lip unconsciously, trying to find the shadow of the past Chen Yu on the face of the present Chen Yu, even a trace of it.
"Are you feeling sorry for the person who bullied you?" Chen Yu continued to press forward, and the distance between the two was infinitely compressed.
He firmly grasped her chin, stopping her teeth from biting her lip.
Lin Wan shook his head.
"I feel like I've never known the whole you," she said.
Another side of Chen Yu folded in front of her, and the side that appeared in front of Lin Wan was always gentle and well-behaved.
Chen Yu stared at the bloodstains on the corner of Lin Wan's lips and stepped back step by step. His movements were extremely slow, with pauses at each step.
In the end, Chen Yu did not stay and was pushed out of the door by Lin Wan.
He already has a girlfriend, so it's extremely abnormal for him to stay overnight at the home of someone of the opposite sex. She doesn't want this to affect their relationship.
Chen Yu already has his own new life and I shouldn't disturb him anymore.
It was almost midnight and Lin Wan was still lying in bed, unable to fall asleep.
She thought of Lin Zhen’s last text message and what Chen Yu had just said.
Qiu Siqi, Qiu Siqi...
She never thought that this name would be associated with Chen Yu.
The name that had not been mentioned for a long time lingered on her tongue and was finally uttered lightly.
Lin Wan closed her eyes, and in front of her was indeed the morning sun that she often saw during her senior year of high school.
The sun rises, marking the beginning of a new day, but also - torture.
Lin Wan's grades took a big dive in the monthly exam a month ago. His movements were extremely graceful, steady, accurate and ruthless.
From first in the school to around 100th.
During that period, opening a book was a torture for her.
“Pah.”
The coffee cup on the table was opened with slender fingers, and some of it spilled onto the table. Lin Wan pulled out a tissue to wipe it dry.
It felt like two fine needles were pricking my temples, pricking them with each heartbeat. The pain wasn't intense, but it was unbearable, enough to completely derail any attempts at concentration.
Lin Wan took out her math notes from her bag. She had made so many mistakes recently that she didn't go to bed until two o'clock last night.
The light from the desk lamp was dim and sticky, sticking her to the desk like syrup. The densely packed English words began to wriggle and dance on the test paper, then turned into a blur of black dots.
She is not a very smart person. She has achieved her current results by writing and practicing one question at a time.
There are no shortcuts.
She didn't dare to think that if she didn't even have the strength to make the final effort, then what else would she have left.
She picked up the pen, and the place where her middle finger had been pressing against the ballpoint pen for a long time was red, swollen, and painful.
The students around her were discussing the questions, their laughter filtering through a thick layer of glass, leaving only a vague buzzing sound. She felt like an isolated island, her struggles and setbacks unknown and uncaring.
Jiang Nuo went to Beijing for training to prepare for the art exam, and Lin Wan expected that she would rarely see her this semester.
The results of the physics weekly test were released. The students stood around the scores, pushing and shoving, chattering, all hoping to see their results as soon as possible.
Only Lin Wan was sitting there, definitely not moving.
She didn't dare to look at her grades.
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