Chapter 74 No More
The mourning hall is located in the corridor downstairs of the resettlement area.
There is a custom in Chengjia Village that when an elderly person dies, the body must be kept at home for three days before being buried. The resettlement area is not like the courtyards of each household in the countryside. It can only be placed in the aisle under each building. Anyone passing by will know that the kind-hearted old lady in Uncle Cheng's family is gone.
It didn't happen too suddenly.
The day before yesterday, I was chatting downstairs with Grandma Zhou next door. She was talking about her grandson participating in some competition and going to be on TV. She coughed a few times in her anxiety. The neighbors all knew the old lady's illness and asked her not to be exposed to the wind outside. They said they knew her grandson was a top student. The old lady smiled and replied, "He has been a good student since he was young. He even bought steamed buns for me from school."
In the evening, the ambulance arrived. The old lady who was smiling before dinner was hurriedly carried into the car. When she was sent back, she was dead.
The Cheng family made a fuss all night, crying and making noise. The neighbors couldn't say anything when they heard it, after all, the old lady was gone.
The mourning hall was set up the next morning, and neighbors, relatives and friends came to pay their respects. The old lady liked lively atmosphere during her lifetime, so the eldest son of the Cheng family invited a Yin-Yang master to sit in front of the coffin and beat gongs and drums overnight. Several younger generations wore mourning clothes and knelt in front of the coffin crying.
That bastard Cheng Lijia also started crying, crying and shouting, "Mom is gone, Mom is gone." After crying for a while, someone came and he sat at the dinner table with the mourners, wiping his tears and eating the peanuts and sunflower seeds on the table. From the look of his face, it was clear that he was really sad and had not changed his ways.
The only one who didn't cry was her little grandson, whom the old lady showed off to everyone when she was alive.
The little grandson came back from the hospital with the old lady's body. It is not known whether he saw her for the last time. He was kneeling alone in front of the curtain, without a white cloth on his head. He was wearing muddy and half-broken slippers, kneeling there with a hunched back. No one spoke to him.
Everyone was whispering about why Cheng Che was so weird, and whether he had become stupid from reading too much. The old lady praised her little grandson every day, but in the end, the little grandson was the least sad. What was going on?
After a while, a mourning car arrived with a Beijing license plate. The people who got out of the car were tall and well-built, and it was obvious that they were from a big city.
Before the eldest son of the Cheng family could go to greet people, Cheng Lijia jumped up, pointed at the man's nose and called him a lunatic, saying that he had a problem with his brain. Cheng Liqin just thought he was throwing a tantrum and asked the young man if he was here to pay his respects and which family he was related to.
The young man remained silent, staring at Cheng Che, the strangest one, with red eyes. Cheng Liqin asked again, "Is he Xiao Che's classmate?"
The young man nodded, and after a long pause he said, "...I'm Cheng Che's classmate, I came to see grandma."
The Cheng family's youngest daughter wiped her tears as she led the group to the mourning hall. On the way, Cheng Che passed by, and her aunt said in a hoarse voice, "He's like this when he comes back. He doesn't say anything."
Li Zimai's gaze fell on Cheng Che's face, and after a moment he lowered his eyes, his eyelashes wet. He took the paper money from his aunt's hand, knelt on the mat and kowtowed three times to the old man in the coffin. The ashes of the burning paper money floated on the ends of his hair.
After burning the paper money, relatives and friends saw the young man take off his shoes and put them on Cheng Che, and then kneel beside Cheng Che to keep vigil for the old man.
The country folk had only seen such a well-dressed young man on TV. He looked out of place kneeling there in the simple mourning hall. Relatives and friends were talking about how Cheng Che had gone to the capital and met some important people, and that Cheng Li's family was very lucky and would have to rely on his son to live in a big house and drive a big car in the future.
Cheng Lijia originally wanted to get angry and kick the person out, but after being flattered like this, he immediately lost his composure and proudly said that he would go to the capital to enjoy a good life in the future. Everyone was happy in their hearts, but still flattered him on the surface.
The aunt went upstairs to take care of the old man who was too sad, and brought down a pair of the old man's slippers and handed them to Li Zimai. Li Zimai said thank you, put on the slippers and continued to kneel.
My cousin came late, visiting grandma after eight o'clock. He started crying as soon as he entered the door, and then asked his mother who the big SUV at the door belonged to. She said that the car was worth several million on the market. Only then did my aunt think that her nephew's classmate was not picky, but a polite and good classmate who did not dislike the slippers she gave him.
Two hours later, most of the relatives and friends who came to pay their respects had left, and the funeral music had stopped. Only a few members of the Cheng family were left in the mourning hall. The Cheng family then began to discuss the old lady's funeral arrangements and what to do with Uncle Cheng, whether to have the family take care of him for a month or hire a nanny.
As the families talked, they started arguing again. They cursed each other and said that they hadn't seen each other often, and after their mother died, they started to think about their father's house and the division of the family property.
My aunt was a married daughter and had no say in the matter. She also felt that it was a family disgrace, so she went to Li Zimai and asked him if he wanted to eat something.
Li Zimai looked back at the Cheng family, then at Cheng Che, and asked his aunt how long Cheng Che hadn't rested.
The aunt pulled the man aside and wiped her tears as she said, "I arrived at the hospital after 8 o'clock in the morning, but I didn't get to see grandma for the last time. I followed the hearse back at noon and have been kneeling ever since. I asked him questions but he didn't say anything. I offered him water and food but he wouldn't eat."
Li Zimai's throat tightened as he listened to the Cheng family quarreling outside. His clenched fists felt a sharp pain in his palms, but it was nothing compared to the pain in his heart. He asked his aunt how his grandmother had suddenly passed away.
My aunt burst into tears again. "The old lady can't be bumped or bruised. She's already having trouble with bronchitis in winter. She just came back from the hospital a while ago, and she started coughing again a few days later. I asked her to go to the hospital, but she refused, saying that my third brother is at home and there's no one to cook for him."
The third brother is Cheng Lijia. After being beaten by his son in Beijing a few months ago, he could no longer stay at the construction site and ran back to Beibei in disgrace. He lived on the money he had asked for before. Some time ago, he ran out of money and went to the old man every day to ask for money for food. The old man said that if he had no money, he could eat at home.
Cheng Lijia was obedient at first, but later he couldn't. He asked the old man for money to buy alcohol and cigarettes, but the old man refused to give him any. He then cursed and said that someone was willing to give him money. However, when he shamelessly called the old man, the person on the other end said that if he asked for money again, he would go to court. Cheng Lijia was humiliated and was irritable for several days. He finally had a conflict with the old man the day before yesterday.
After he finished his rage and walked away, the old man was so angry that he lost his balance and fell in the bathroom. When Grandpa Cheng found him, he was already in shock. He died on the way to the hospital without leaving a single word.
My aunt choked up and said, "I didn't dare tell Xiao Che. He has a hot temper. When his mother passed away a few years ago, he took a knife and wanted to kill his father. If he knew that grandma was angry with his father...ah."
I don’t know if my aunt wanted to talk about it herself or was just angry, but she told outsiders about the shameful things that happened in the Cheng family. She said that Cheng Lijia almost cut his son in half with a sickle, and it was grandma who stopped him and saved Cheng Che’s life.
After that, Cheng Lijia ran away and didn't dare to go back for several months. He only dared to come back when Cheng Che was discharged from the hospital and his grandmother told the police not to arrest him. After being well-behaved for a while, he started to do evil again and beat Cheng Che. Later, when Cheng Che grew up and he couldn't beat him anymore, he stopped.
"Ah, Xiao Che has been pitiful since he was a child. He lost his mother when he was thirteen, and now his grandmother is gone too..."
The aunt looked at Cheng Che with tears in her eyes, and then said to Li Zimai: "You are a good classmate. Please take good care of our little Che."
Li Zimai didn't say anything, staring at Cheng Che's thin back. All the memories came flooding back at once. Cheng Che never let him see the scar on his waist. He always called for his mother in his dreams, cried and said it hurt, and cried for his mother to save him.
His Cheche was less than twenty years old, but he had experienced so many deaths and separations, and almost lost himself.
That night, Cheng Che stayed with his grandmother all night. It is said that when a person dies, his soul will turn into a butterfly and fly back, but Cheng Che did not see the butterfly. He wondered if his grandmother was angry because he said on the phone that day that he would not come back for the New Year.
Cheng Che looked at her lying in the coffin, her face sunken, wearing her favorite pearl necklace, as if she had fallen asleep very tiredly. He couldn't believe that the grandmother who had called him a few days ago was gone.
On the third day, the hearse arrived and took grandma to the crematorium. Burial was no longer allowed now, so the body had to be burned to ashes, put into a box, and then buried in the ground.
Cheng Che sat in the hearse and looked at her. He didn't know whether it was because the pearl necklace was too white or the hearse was too dark, but she seemed to be darker than the previous two days, and her cheeks were still sunken.
She used to work on the farm in the village and was so tired that she was skin and bones. Later, she moved to the city and was supported by the government. She liked to eat cakes and pastries, and she gained weight after eating too much. She asked Cheng Che if she had become fatter and uglier, and if she had more wrinkles. Cheng Che reasoned with her and said: You ask me to eat more every day to gain weight, but you gain weight and say you are not good-looking. Then you can't ask me to eat more.
Every time she ate too much, she would stare at Cheng Che and say, "I ate two bowls of rice today," and ask Cheng Che how much he had eaten. She wanted to compete with Cheng Che.
After competing for several years, Cheng Che didn't gain weight, and she herself became thinner and thinner. She always coughed and said that she was old and was going to see the Buddha.
Now the Bodhisattva has really taken her away.
She no longer cared about Cheng Che.
The crematorium is a special place. When people are pushed in and come out, they turn into ashes. It seems that no matter whether you live a good life or a bad life, you will eventually turn into the same ashes. The only difference is that the ashes are heavier or lighter.
Cheng Che saw the staff pushing grandma in. There was a big "combustion room" written on the door. Someone was crying next to him. He didn't know whose voice it was, but he just thought it was noisy. Grandma hated noise the most when she was sleeping. She was even unhappy if grandpa watched TV with the volume turned up.
Why are they arguing?
Cheng Che wanted them to stop arguing, but when he moved his lips, no sound came out. He looked down and saw a pool of blood on the ground. His mouth felt cold, as if he had drunk water and not wiped it clean. But he hadn't drunk water for a long time, so how could there be water in his mouth?
It turned out that it was his blood.
There was so much blood, was he going to die? If he died, would he never have to wake up again? He had already forgotten how long he hadn't slept. He wanted to see his mother, but if he went to find his mother, what would happen to his grandmother? She would be sad... Not anymore. She would never worry about him again. She didn't want him anymore.
That's it.
He can finally be free.
"... Cheche! Cheche... Don't scare me, don't scare me... Cheche..."
But someone kept calling him Cheche. When had he ever been called such a disgusting name? Only... only Li Zimai... Yes, only Li Zimai would call him like that. Li Zimai was so annoyed. Why did he have to call him that?
"Are you going to Teacher Zuo's again? Aren't you going to accompany me? Are you sure you won't accompany me on this weekend?"
"Don't you love me anymore, Brother Che?"
"Baby, I'm back."
"Why don't you come and hug me? You have to remind me every time. Can you be more self-aware?"
"Cheche, I love you, and I will only love you in this life."
"Li Zimai loves Cheng Che the most, he loves Cheng Che first."
Will anyone still love him? No one will love him.
It was he who didn't want Li Zimai anymore. He wanted Li Zimai to be with someone else. Now he has nothing without Li Zimai.
"... Cheche, Cheche... I'm scared, please come back... I'm scared..."
Is Li Zimai crying? Why is he crying again? He cried the same way when we broke up last time. He shouldn't cry. Li Zimai is the most proud person. How could he cry?
...Don’t cry, please don’t cry.
Cheng Che wanted to comfort him and tell him not to cry, but he couldn't find the words. Something heavy and ponderous was pressing down on him, pulling him down to the deepest depths. Was it pulling him to see his grandmother and mother?
Why not just go.
But what should I do about Li Zimai? Li Zimai was crying and he kept crying. He was so tall but he cried like a child. He even said I was like a child.
He often calls me baby, but I won’t tell him that I like him calling me that, because he will be proud for many days, and maybe I will never hear my other name from him again.
I really like him, but I can't show it too obviously. I want him to like me more. It's because he has so many messy ex-boyfriends. He said he only kissed me, but I don't believe it.
Yes, I haven’t kissed him for a long time, I miss him so much.
But I can't go to him. It was me who said I wanted to break up. I don't want him to see Cheng Lijia, I don't want him to see me in such a bad state. I want to be his best memory, and I don't want him to gradually fall out of love with me because of trivial matters in the future.
That's it.
Let him remember me forever.
Even if he falls in love with someone else in the future, he will still think of me as his best ex. He said he loves me the most, and I hope he will keep his promise. No matter who he falls in love with in the future, he will not love that person more than me.
Am I too selfish to torture him like this?
I clearly hate being watched, but I pretend not to care. I can't let him know how much I want to hide him. Why was he born that way? He has the best upbringing, the best temper, and the best looks. Everyone likes him, so how can I hide him?
I don't like the guy named Xu Sinian and Yang Yanning at all. I even wanted to hit them, but I held back. Li Zimai doesn't like them, but they don't want to let him go because he is too good. I can understand that. I don't want to be that kind of ex in the future. I want to be decisive and break up with him immediately. I will never go back to him. Li Zimai doesn't like that.
I know he has an ex, named Mu Qi. He didn't delete her because this ex was very cool. She broke up with him and never contacted him again. That's why he treated her differently.
I want that too.
So even if I am annoyed with that guy surnamed Bei, I can't show it. I hate him looking at my Li Zimai. He should just be working. Why should he help Li Zimai brush off the dust on his body? Li Zimai is also an idiot. Why did he dodge so slowly?
Doesn’t he like me anymore? Does he like someone else so soon?
Take a closer look, the one with the surname Bei is also good-looking and symmetrical. Li Zimai likes this kind of person. He is a superficial person, otherwise why would he fall in love with me at first sight and pursue me.
If I hadn't refused to agree to him, he wouldn't have been so devoted to me. Li Zimai likes me because he is used to being pampered. Now I don't want him anymore. So many people like him, any one of them is easier to get along with than me, so why should I be dissatisfied?
It's me who doesn't want him.
It's me who doesn't want him.
He is not mine anymore.
I saw Bei holding his hand and saying they were going to Italy. Italy is so far away, so would he never come back? Would I never see him again?
He clearly said that he would treat me well for the rest of his life and that he would only love me, but he kissed someone else in the car, and I didn't want him anymore. He kissed someone else, and I didn't want him anymore.
But I feel really uncomfortable, as if someone has punched a big hole in my body. It hurts more than the last time Cheng Lijia hit me with a sickle. My Li Zimai is having an affair with someone else. Is that person also likes to kiss the mole on the tip of his nose, sit on him and kiss him, touch his hair, and pinch his ears? Li Zimai is mine, how can others touch him?
I want to go find him, but I can't go find him.
I want to find him, but I really can't find him.
Why if I were Cheng Lijia's son, I would feel disgusted with Cheng Lijia. He actually dared to go find my Li Zimai and even dared to defile my flowers. I really want to kill him, but I don't want to get my hands on blood, I don't want to make my grandma sad, and I don't want Li Zimai to look at me as if I were a murderer.
I can't get rid of Cheng Lijia anymore, and I can't let my Li Zimai get rid of this disgusting garbage.
But Yang Mingxi insisted on dragging me to see him and wanted to use my cell phone to call him. That cell phone was bought for me by Lizimai and it was broken last time. Does it mean that Lizimai is no longer mine anymore?
The person on the other end of the phone said that Li Zimai was in his bed, but I didn't believe it. I wanted to hear Li Zimai speak.
Forget it, I don’t want to listen anymore, I don’t want to know anymore.
I don't want Lizimai anymore.
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