Chapter 128 Joyful laughter spread across the countryside
Back in Heshui Town, my uncle's family was delighted. They said, "Having Yifan apprentice with me is much better than attending a vocational high school." Yifan was 18 years old, smart, attractive, and sweet-talking. My family had a car, and she'd already gotten a driver's license. After graduation, if she couldn't find a job, she planned to drive a taxi.
I was satisfied with it, so I asked him to get ready and set off in two days.
My uncle lives in town, so now that I'm back, I took the initiative to call Zhang Xia. Zhang Xia was very happy and invited Li Xia and Wang Er to have a meal at his house.
I brought Yifan along to the banquet to broaden his horizons. I also gave him some pointers along the way.
Since I'd called to apologize last time, we were able to put aside our differences and laugh it off. They also knew I had some real kung fu skills, so not only Li Xia and Wang Er, but everyone in town who worked in the industry, or had some connection to it, including Taoist priests, ritual attendants, and those who hadn't yet entered the industry but were interested in pursuing a career in it, all came that night.
After all, it was a hot day, and there was no room inside, so everyone sat on the ground floor of Zhang Xia's house. His ground floor was quite high-end, hardened with cement, and since it was a large courtyard, four or five households shared the ground floor, which was like a small hardened square.
There's a crescent-shaped pond in front of the small square. There's a fence and a flowerbed near the water. Rural living environments are truly becoming more and more beautiful.
Besides the fortune-tellers and feng shui practitioners of Heshui Town, neighbors also brought their own stools and chairs to sit down. So, under the stars, thirty or forty people gathered together to chat.
Zhang Xia was very proud and said to everyone, "Shanhong, who has learned from a famous master, has returned to his hometown to show respect for the elderly and the virtuous. She has come to visit my home, which has brought great honor to our tent. We, all of you in the industry, have also taken the opportunity to meet at my humble home. It is truly a gathering of great friends and a place full of distinguished guests.
Everyone applauded.
Zhang Xia said, "Since everyone is here, why don't we listen to Mr. Shanhong tell us about the situation outside and teach us some of the techniques in the industry."
There was another round of applause.
I stood up, clasped my hands together, and said, "We are all from my hometown, brothers and sisters, please don't embarrass me. One person speaking is not as good as everyone speaking."
Why not ask Master Zhang to start by telling us an example that he is most proud of and analyze for us why he made such a judgment.
Then, it will be Master Li’s turn, Master Wang’s, and many other masters’ turn, and of course, Shanhong will have to come last.”
They refused, insisting I speak first. They said it was a rare opportunity, so they asked me to tell them something new. So, I stood up, bowed to everyone around me, and then sat down and said in a loud voice:
"City people are rather strange. One day, a couple came and asked me to choose a date for their divorce. Seniors, colleagues, have you ever encountered something like this?"
When everyone heard this, they all shook their heads. They only choose wedding dates, how could they choose divorce dates? This was the first time for a young lady to ride in a sedan chair. Everyone laughed, and Blind Zhang, Blind Li, and Wang Er all asked:
"So what date do you choose?"
I burst out laughing. "Pick a day with a zero, like the 10th, the 10th, or the 30th."
Before everyone could react, they all asked, "Why choose a day with a zero?"
I said, "After 0 comes 1. Divorce means the past is reset to zero. From tomorrow on, it's a new day, and we can start a new life anew."
Everyone thought for a moment, and then someone started clapping. Then the applause broke out.
Zhang Xia said, "Mr. Shanhong is indeed witty. What he said makes sense."
I thought to myself, "What a clever fool! I'm just like you. Luckily, it's Master who gave me guidance."
Li Xia said, "Interesting, tell me another one."
I paused deliberately, the applause urging me on.
I added, "A woman's pet dog died in a few days, and she asked me to choose a date."
Everyone cursed and said, "Fuck it, city people's dog lives are so precious, just cook and eat them after they die." The young man said, "You can't eat it, it's a pet dog, it's disgusting to eat."
Zhang Xia said, "I have spent my whole life choosing days for people, but never for dogs."
Li Xia said, "There is no scripture on this subject in any book."
Wang Er asked, "Then how did you choose one for her?"
I said, "Bury the dog on her birthday."
Zhang Xia, Li Xia, and Wang Er all asked, "Where did you learn this from?"
I laughed wildly: "I created it myself."
"Is there any evidence?" asked the colleagues from Heshui Town.
I waved my hands: "There's no basis for this. Since she loves her dog so much, she doesn't ask for death together, but for life together."
Everyone laughed so hard they held their stomachs. They all said, "I represent the country folk of Heshui Town who have the city folks at their mercy. It's so satisfying, so satisfying."
I thought to myself, how could I be so powerful? I was just secretly warning them that life in the city is not easy. You are just some mountain kings.
"Is there anything else strange?" everyone asked.
I deliberately dragged out the time, letting them applaud again, and then said, "And then there's the battle of wits."
"Battle of wits", everyone understands this, and asked me to speak quickly.
I said slowly, "I once attended a gathering of colleagues. After dinner, we all sat together, and Lao Mo said, 'Let's tell stories.' I thought they were really telling stories, but in fact..."
Zhang Xia said, "Actually, he's using the story to insult people."
I said, "That's right."
Everyone stretched their necks to listen to me talk about "Battle of Wits".
I started to tell the story vividly.
Lao Mo spoke first. He said, "We welcome Shanhong, a foreigner, to Wuxiang. Let me tell you a little story to liven things up." One day, a snake catcher came chasing a small snake. The small snake had an idea and went into a hole. Inside the hole, there was a big snake. The big snake said, "You bastard, why are you still going into a hole? Even your grandfather couldn't stretch out in there."
Everyone laughed so hard they held their stomachs. Zhang Xia said, "Amazing, amazing! He compared himself to a giant snake and scolded you like you were his grandson."
I said, "Yes, I reacted immediately. I fought back immediately."
They all asked, "How did you fight back?"
I laughed and said, "I immediately told Lao Mo, 'Your eyes may have been spoiled by lard. I am the grandfather. I am old, my body has shrunk, and I have become smaller. Get out of here now and let your grandfather rest for a while.'"
Everyone held their stomachs and laughed non-stop.
Li Xia said, "Shan Hong was quick-witted and didn't bring shame to the people of Heshui Town."
Someone else asked, "Old Mo, aren't you convinced?"
I said, "Yes, he kept fighting me until he couldn't find a joke anymore. So I took the initiative and added a story for him."
Everyone stretched their necks and shouted in unison: "Hurry up, tell me quickly."
I glanced at the teacup beside me. My cousin Yifan immediately wanted to pick up the cup and add water to it. I stopped him and said, "We are guests today."
A young man next to me immediately ran into the room and brought me a cup of fresh tea.
I touched the cigarette on purpose, and someone immediately handed it to me and lit it.
I took a few slow puffs, picked up the tea, blew on it, took a sip, cleared my throat, and then continued:
"Lao Mo had told all his jokes, so I told him another story. It was about an emperor who posted a notice recruiting talented people to be prime ministers, and a man named Mo took down the notice. (Everyone chuckled). So, Mr. Mo spoke with the emperor, and the emperor thought Mr. Mo was fully qualified for the job. And so, Mr. Mo became Prime Minister Mo.
One day, news came from the border: enemy troops invaded.
Prime Minister Mo said, let him in and lure the enemy deeper.
Three days later, another report came that the enemy had penetrated 800 miles deep into the border.
Prime Minister Mo said, if you let him in again, you will close the door and beat the dog.
Three days later, the governor of the Nine Gates came to report: the enemy troops were at the gates of the city.
Prime Minister Mo ordered the bell to be rung, summoning all civil and military officials to the palace to discuss matters.
When everyone arrived, all the civil and military officials asked in unison: "Prime Minister, what ideas do you have?"
Prime Minister Mo said: Everyone, take off your pants and look down together.
Everyone did as they were told and looked down together. All they saw was one egg each.
Prime Minister Mo said, I have an idea.
Laughter, laughter. Some people laughed like geese, their necks arched towards the sky, while others laughed like pigs being slaughtered. Some people clapped their hands like roosters crowing, while others twisted their bodies in joy like puppies seeing their owners...
After laughing, the always arrogant Wang Er gave a thumbs up: "Mr. Shanhong is amazing. He made Old Mo feel empty-headed and speechless, and his satire was beyond words."
My colleagues from Heshui Town were completely impressed by me. They all praised me, saying that although I was a country boy who had come to the city, I had already surpassed my city colleagues. I was indeed an outstanding representative of Heshui Town and a great honor to the people of the town.
When I left, I said, "There's no one living at home. I have a few uncles living in town. I'd like to ask you and your disciples to take good care of them."
Everyone said, "Master Shanhong, don't worry. You're going to win glory for Heshui Town in the front, and we will definitely protect your backyard."
On the way home, Yifan said admiringly, "Uncle, the city is really a training ground. If you were in our class, I guarantee that eleven out of ten girls would fall in love with you."
I said with a fierce face: "Don't talk nonsense. Follow me from now on. Laugh when you should laugh. When you shouldn't laugh, you must keep a straight face."
"Why?"
"You'll understand later."
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