out of control
In Tan Huaiyu's office, the air conditioning was at a comfortable temperature, and the air carried the faint scent of new furniture mixed with the ordinary aroma of home-cooked meals wafting from inexpensive lunchboxes. The two contrasting smells intertwined, much like the two people sitting at opposite ends of the large desk at that moment.
Qi Shuo ate his meal in silence, his movements unhurried, occasionally glancing at the person opposite him. Tan Huaiyu was clearly starving, eating quickly, but his table manners remained refined.
As he ate, he chattered on and on to Qi Shuo in the same tone Qi Shuo knew best—soft and sharing. He talked about the trivialities of the law firm's renovation, about the difficult client he'd had that day, about the little mistake his assistant had made... completely unlike the calm and decisive "Lawyer Tan" he'd just spoken to on the phone.
There was a gentle knock on the office door, and a young female lawyer, dressed in a well-fitting suit and with impeccable makeup, walked in carrying a document. "Attorney Tan, this document needs your signature; it's urgent."
Tan Huaiyu put down his chopsticks, took the document, quickly glanced at it, picked up a pen, signed his name, and handed it back to the other party. His eyes never left the document throughout the process, and his tone returned to the conciseness he used when working: "Okay. Also, send me the meeting materials with Hengyuan tomorrow morning to my email before you leave work."
“Okay, Attorney Tan.” The female lawyer took the documents, her gaze subtly, with a hint of curiosity and inquiry, drifting towards Qi Shuo, who sat quietly to the side. Qi Shuo, dressed in work clothes that seemed out of place, ate his meal in silence, yet his presence was undeniable. She quickly looked away and gave Tan Huaiyu a sweet smile, “Attorney Tan, haven’t you had dinner yet? You should take care of yourself. I’ll head out now.”
"Yes, thank you for your hard work." Tan Huaiyu nodded, then turned her attention back to the lunchbox.
The female lawyer left, gently closing the door behind her. Qi Shuo paused almost imperceptibly as he picked up food with his chopsticks, then continued. He didn't say anything, but the speed at which he chewed seemed to slow down slightly.
Not long after, there was another knock on the office door. This time it was the receptionist, who came in with a freshly made, steaming cup of coffee, smiling broadly: "Attorney Tan, I made you a cup of coffee to perk you up. You're going to be working overtime again tonight, aren't you?"
"Thank you, put it here." Tan Huaiyu pointed to a corner of the table.
The girl put down her coffee, her gaze sweeping over Qi Shuo again, her curiosity almost overflowing. She opened her mouth as if to say something, but ultimately smiled and left.
This time, Qi Shuo completely stopped eating. He raised his eyes and looked calmly at Tan Huaiyu. Tan Huaiyu was drinking soup with his head down, seemingly completely unaware of the subtle, subtle probing and solicitous gaze from others in the air.
Qi Shuo felt a dull, astringent pressure in his chest, not intense, but persistent.
He looked at Tan Huaiyu's collar, which was buttoned up tightly, and his cuffs, which were pulled straight – something he had just "tidyed up" himself.
But this did not stop others from looking at Tan Huaiyu, nor did it stop those admiring, curious, or even fond gazes from falling on this young and promising lawyer Tan, who was wearing an expensive suit and sitting in a bright office.
This is Tan Huaiyu's world. Glamorous, dazzling, full of opportunities, and also full of... scrutiny.
Qi Shuo, on the other hand, was someone from outside this world, an observer who stumbled in by chance, smelling of engine oil and wearing work clothes. He could button up Tan Huaiyu's shirt and pull down his sleeve, but he seemed unable to erase the invisible chasm between the two, nor could he stop others from viewing Tan Huaiyu with the same eyes they used to see "Lawyer Tan."
This realization caused Qi Shuo's inexplicable irritation to resurface, becoming clearer and more oppressive than before.
He stopped talking and silently finished the rest of the food in his lunchbox, leaving not a single grain of rice.
Tan Huaiyu seemed to finally notice his silence, and looked up at him with a questioning look in her eyes: "What's wrong? Don't you like the food?"
"No." Qi Shuo shook his head, his voice flat. "I'm done eating. You're busy, I'll be going now."
"Huh? You're leaving already?" Tan Huaiyu was a little surprised, and checked the time. "It's still early. Why don't you sit here for a while? Or I can have the driver take you home?"
"No need." Qi Shuo stood up, neatly put the empty lunchbox into a plastic bag, and said, "I'll take the bus."
Tan Huaiyu quickly put down his chopsticks and stood up, saying, "I'll see you downstairs."
The two walked out of the office one after the other, crossing the open office area again. This time, more eyes were focused on Qi Shuo, some curious, some scrutinizing, and even a couple of glances from the young female lawyer that carried a hint of assessment and comparison.
Qi Shuo kept his eyes straight ahead, his back straight, and his steps steady and quick. Tan Huaiyu followed half a step beside him, trying to find something to talk about, but Qi Shuo only responded with brief "hmm" and "oh," and the atmosphere became somewhat subtly tense.
As I approached the law firm, night had fallen, and the city lights shone like a starry river. A cool evening breeze blew by.
Tan Huaiyu took out his phone: "Let me call you a car, it's hard to catch a bus at this time."
"Mm." Qi Shuo did not refuse.
Tan Huaiyu quickly hailed a car, gave Qi Shuo the license plate number, and then looked up at him. The lights at the law firm entrance shone on his face, casting a soft, warm glow on his sharp features.
His eyebrows curved, and his amber eyes held the soft glow of the streetlights and an undisguised joy at Qi Shuo bringing him food.
"Be careful on the road. Send me a message when you get home," Tan Huaiyu said with a smile, his voice gentle.
Qi Shuo looked at him, at his collar that he had buttoned up tightly, at his cuffs that he had pulled straight, at the pure smile on his face, and then thought of the gazes from others in the office that were falling on him...
The stagnant lake in his heart was suddenly stirred up by a huge rock, creating turbulent waves that even he had not anticipated.
That turmoil is called resentment, restlessness, and a strong urge to confirm something.
He didn't know what was wrong with him.
All he knew was that at the moment Tan Huaiyu smiled and told him to "be careful on the road," at the moment the taxi slowly pulled over to the side of the road with its lights flashing, at the moment he was about to turn away and return to his own dusty world—
He didn't want to leave.
Or rather, he didn't want to leave like this.
An unprecedented impulse overwhelmed his usual calm and restraint.
And so, to Tan Huaiyu's slightly surprised gaze, beside the cool evening breeze on the street, at the boundary between the brightly lit law firm behind him and the dim night before him—
Qi Shuo suddenly reached out his hand, not to wave goodbye, nor to accept anything.
He suddenly and forcefully pulled Tan Huaiyu, who was standing in front of him, into his arms.
His arms wrapped tightly around Tan Huaiyu's back, so tightly that Tan Huaiyu was caught off guard and let out a muffled groan as he crashed into his firm, warm chest.
Qi Shuo rested his chin on Tan Huaiyu's shoulder, and his nose was instantly filled with the faint, pleasant scent of fabric softener emanating from Tan Huaiyu, mixed with a very subtle hint of his own grassy fragrance.
The embrace came without warning, silent, yet carrying an almost ferocious force and... a barely perceptible tremor.
Qi Shuo himself didn't know what was wrong with him. He just suddenly felt a strong urge to hug him.
I want to confirm that this person is real, warm, and tangible.
She wanted to use this method to block out the gazes that irritated him, to smooth over the invisible distance between them. She wanted to be closer to him, even closer.
It was as if only in this way could the sudden, unfamiliar, and bewildering surge of emotions within my heart be calmed.
Tan Huaiyu froze completely, his mind blank. He could clearly feel the force from Qi Shuo's arm, which was almost breaking his ribs; he could hear Qi Shuo's slightly rapid breathing close to his ear; and he could smell the familiar scent on Qi Shuo, a mixture of faint tobacco and factory smells.
The hug came too suddenly, too forcefully, and too... unlike Qi Shuo.
But after only a few seconds of stiffness, a huge, almost overwhelming ecstasy and bittersweet feeling instantly washed away all his astonishment.
Tan Huaiyu's fingers first hung helplessly in mid-air, then slowly and tentatively, she raised them, gently and with a trembling of cherishing, and hugged Qi Shuo's waist back.
He buried his face in Qi Shuo's shoulder, took a deep breath, and his eyes uncontrollably welled up with tears.
The evening breeze rustled past their embracing figures, while cars honked in the distance. This silent yet powerful embrace, which occurred abruptly at the law firm's entrance, was like a barrier, a barrier that existed independently, detached from the surrounding world.
Time seemed to stretch out, yet it also felt like only a moment had passed.
Qi Shuo said nothing. He simply held Tan Huaiyu tightly, as if clinging to the only reliable piece of driftwood in a raging storm, or like a trapped beast marking its territory.
Only when he felt the warmth of the body in his arms and the slight yet real force of the embrace, gradually dispelling the inexplicable panic and emptiness in his heart, did he take a barely perceptible, very light breath, and then slowly, release his arms.
He took a step back, creating some distance. His face remained expressionless, but his eyelashes were lowered, avoiding Tan Huaiyu's amber eyes, which were undoubtedly filled with shock, doubt, and surging emotions.
"I'm leaving." His voice was low and hoarse as he uttered those two words, turned around, opened the car door, and got into the waiting taxi without looking back.
The car door closed, shutting out the figure in the suit standing there motionless, and also shutting out the world he had just embraced, a world filled with the scent of grass.
The taxi merged into the traffic. Qi Shuo leaned back in his seat, closed his eyes, and pressed his throbbing temples hard. Inside his chest, his heart was still pounding uncontrollably, sending a clear echo through his chest.
What did he just do?
The moment Qi Shuo wrapped his arms around that warm body and pressed it tightly into his embrace, only those two words were in his mind.
out of control.
It was as if something had been silently accumulating and slowly growing in some dark corner of his heart for a long time, and in that instant, it was the warmth of his fingertips lingering on Tan Huaiyu's collar, the evaluative gazes from the law firm, and the clean yet distant image of Tan Huaiyu smiling at him in the light and saying "Be careful on the road"...
All these trivial yet sharp details unexpectedly shattered that thin, self-deceiving calm.
He didn't want to be seen that way by others.
I don't want to see him belong to that glamorous world.
I don't want him to be so far away from me.
Even if it's just a psychological, intangible distance.
The urge to hug came swiftly and without reason, like a small, internal tsunami that instantly overwhelmed his proud self-control.
By the time he realized what was happening, he had already pulled Tan Huaiyu into a tight embrace. The force was so great that even he was startled. He could feel Tan Huaiyu stiffen instantly, and even hear a soft groan.
You used too much force. It will hurt him.
The thought flashed through my mind, but my arm seemed to have its own will, tightening its grip even more.
It was as if only through this almost violent, close fit could the enormous void in one's heart, a void that had suddenly opened up, a void called "loss" or "never truly possessed."
The pleasant scent emanating from Tan Huaiyu, the shape of his shoulder blades, and the sudden increase in his heartbeat could be felt through his thin shirt…
These real, warm sensations acted like a powerful tranquilizer, or like a wildfire igniting a wasteland, causing his chaotic, anxious, and uncertain mind to tear wildly between the extremes of ice and fire.
He didn't know what he was doing. He only knew he couldn't let go. If he let go, it seemed he would retreat back into that bright world, one he couldn't fully reach.
Until the stiff body in his arms began to respond with the slightest, hesitant movement—those arms, carefully and with uncontrollable trembling, gently wrapped around his waist.
That faint response, like a fine needle, precisely pierced the string in Qi Shuo's mind that was stretched to its limit.
The surging, out-of-control emotions seemed to have found an outlet, or perhaps all support had been suddenly removed, leaving only a sense of bewilderment, subsequent helplessness, and... deep self-loathing.
He abruptly released his grip, as if he had been burned. He stepped back, creating distance, and dared not look Tan Huaiyu in the eye.
What might be inside? Shock? Confusion? Fear? Or... something else he dared not delve into?
He practically fled into the car. The moment the car door closed, the outside light and the figure of that person were cut off.
Darkness and the hum of the engine enveloped him. He leaned back in his seat, closed his eyes, and felt an almost exhausting fatigue, while his heart continued to pound wildly like a drum.
He had just made a near-forceful, inappropriate physical contact with a man he had watched grow up, a man with an awkward identity, complicated relationships, and a man he himself couldn't even figure out how to treat.
Reason? There is no reason. There is only a tangled mess of emotions and a chaotic loss of control.
Qi Shuo raised his hand and forcefully covered his eyes. Between his fingers, he could still seem to feel the slightly cool touch of Tan Huaiyu's suit fabric during the embrace, and... that little bit of trembling return hug that almost broke him.
It's over.
I was hugged.
Qi Shuo hugged him tightly and unexpectedly with a force that seemed to crush his bones.
Tan Huaiyu was completely stunned.
One second he was overjoyed that Qi Shuo had brought him food, he was satisfied with the simple dinner, and he even felt a little uneasy because of Qi Shuo's unusual silence before leaving.
He smiled and said goodbye, helped him call a car, and mentally planned what he needed to do that night while working overtime, and... whether he would see him again tomorrow.
The next second, the world spun around him. A tremendous force struck him, and he was caught off guard and crashed into a solid, warm embrace.
His nasal cavity was instantly filled with Qi Shuo's familiar scent, a scent that both reassured and unsettled him—a faint smell of tobacco, clean soap, and a hint of the factory's cold, metallic aroma.
The aura was so powerful, so close, that it enveloped him completely, almost taking away his breath.
It was so sudden. So sudden that all his thoughts froze at that moment, his body stiffened like a stone, and he even forgot how to position his fingertips.
He could clearly feel the strength of Qi Shuo's arms encircling him; it was an almost painful confinement, yet strangely it brought a feeling of being intensely needed and firmly held. Qi Shuo's chin rested on his shoulder, his rapid breath brushing against his earlobe, sending a shiver down his spine.
Was he trembling? Was it Qi Shuo trembling, or was it him? Tan Huaiyu couldn't tell.
My mind went blank with a buzzing sound, followed by a tsunami of ecstasy, bittersweetness, disbelief, and immense fear.
Overjoyed at the long-awaited embrace, yet also bittersweet at the overwhelming, almost violent emotions behind it, incredulous at Qi Shuo's actions, and terrified at... what it all meant.
What's wrong with Qi Shuo? What happened? Was it because of the looks his female colleagues gave him at the law firm? Or was it something else?
Was this hug a comfort? A possessive embrace? A farewell? Or... a possibility he dared not even consider?
Countless questions exploded in my mind, but I couldn't find the answer to any of them.
After the initial stiffness and shock, an instinct drove him to slowly, with a trembling he couldn't control, tentatively and gently embrace Qi Shuo's waist with his hand that was hanging in mid-air.
His fingertips touched the slightly rough texture of Qi Shuo's work clothes fabric, feeling the taut muscles in his waist and the warmth of his body beneath. This realization made his heart pound and his eyes well up with tears.
He hugged him. Qi Shuo hugged him. And he hugged him back.
This brief, silent, and intensely painful embrace was like a short but violent hurricane that turned his entire world upside down.
He greedily savored this moment of intimacy, but in the next second, he felt a great sense of loss and a deeper sense of bewilderment because of Qi Shuo's sudden release.
Qi Shuo retreated quickly, without even glancing at him. He simply uttered a low, hoarse "I'm leaving," then turned and got into his car. His retreating figure carried a hint of... a hasty escape.
Tan Huaiyu stood there blankly, the evening breeze blowing on his burning cheeks and body still feeling the touch of the embrace, bringing a chill.
He raised his hand and touched the shoulder where Qi Shuo's chin had just touched him, then looked down at his shirt, which Qi Shuo had buttoned up tightly, and the cuffs, which were pulled flat.
His heart was still pounding wildly in his chest, each beat sharp and painful. Before the afterglow of ecstasy had faded, a deeper sense of confusion and helplessness crept in.
Qi Shuo...
He stared at the street corner where the taxi had disappeared, his amber eyes churning with a storm of emotions that ultimately coalesced into a soft, trembling sigh and a deep, unyielding halo of hope and unease in his eyes.
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