Chapter 69
"At first, I had a strong emotional reaction. I cried all the time and couldn't sleep all night. It was very painful, but these emotions were still fresh and direct. I could still feel them at that time." Li Qingyao said, "I don't know when it started, but I didn't feel anything about anyone or anything. I didn't feel sad, but I still had insomnia and couldn't fall asleep until two or three o'clock every day. For a period of time, I woke up at 4:38 every morning. I still remember this time, because every day when I open my eyes, without an alarm clock, it is this time, not a minute off.
I feel very upset and dissatisfied with everyone, and I feel that everyone must hate me. I would think about a small matter over and over for a long time, becoming extremely anxious. My mind would not stop at all and I could not control it. I wondered where my brother was, what kind of life Luo Huaizheng was living in prison, why it was not me who got into trouble, and how could I have the face to live a peaceful and comfortable life? ▓
I also worry about a lot of things for no reason, such as being hit by a car when I go out, worrying about my parents getting into an accident, worrying about not being able to graduate...these are all illogical fears of the unknown. But because nothing happened and it only happened in my mind, I can't find a solution and can only worry in vain.
I've also...had thoughts of suicide once or twice. When I saw the window, I thought to myself that if I jumped out, I wouldn't have to worry about anything and it would be so relaxing. But I'm not that crazy. I still have parents and I can't die. That would be too selfish. And my brother hasn’t been found yet, how can I die? ”
After saying this, Li Qingyao felt a little regretful that he shouldn't have said it. But there is also a feeling that I feel more relaxed in front of him.
She looked into his eyes, her expression becoming dazed.
Chen Pu stared at her straight, his eyes turning slightly red. He held out a hand and brought it close to her face. Li Qingyao didn't move. His thumb first wiped her left cheek, then her right cheek, and only then did Li Qingyao feel the wetness on her face.
She said: "There's no need to pity me. In the final analysis, my mental state is not strong enough. People with strong mental state will not be depressed."
"What nonsense are you talking about." Chen Pu took his hand back. "I'm very happy. You told me this, and I promise I won't tell anyone else. You will forget it after hearing it. You are really amazing, even more amazing than I thought. Look how good you are now. You are excellent at work, everyone likes you, you are the most awesome newcomer in the whole company, and you can help people with kidney deficiency at any time, right? You are one in a thousand, one in ten thousand, and you are almost perfect."
Li Qingyao was amused by him: "Just blow it." But she dropped another tear, and he reached out and wiped it away with his thumb.
"I'm sorry," he said.
"Why?"
Chen Pu took a deep breath and said, "A few months ago, I criticized you for wearing a mask to everyone, including me. Now I understand, isn't that your way of protecting yourself? You have been trying very hard to integrate with everyone, and you are obviously doing a good job, but I was so smart that I insisted on pursuing my true nature. I was so stupid. During that time, were you very uncomfortable and did it put a lot of pressure on you?"
Li Qingyao said, "Chen Pu, I'm not a porcelain doll. I said I'm not strong enough. I'm not weak, but I'm determined to get out of this. I actively cooperate with the treatment, and with the help of my mother's Chinese medicine, I will definitely get out of this. I was very angry at that time, but actually... you also helped me. It's like a drowning person who struggles to climb to the river bank with all her strength. There is only one step left, she hesitates, she can't walk anymore. At this time, you suddenly run over and kick her from behind.
You know, after that, I actually felt more comfortable interacting with people, like I got some of my old self back. If you hadn't told me, I would have really forgotten what kind of person I wanted to be and what kind of life I wanted to live. These two things define who we are as human beings. ”
Chen Pu gave a thumbs up and said, "That makes a lot of sense."
"Of course, I read countless psychology books during that period."
They had a long conversation, although they were all talking about unpleasant past events, but at this moment, both of them felt very relaxed and had a very comfortable chat. This feeling is light and not strong, but it can permeate every hair and every bone of yours, making you feel soft from the inside out.
"We agreed that you can't treat me like a porcelain doll anymore. I'm fine now. I'll be unhappy if you do that."
"I promise I won't. As I said before, in our second team, men are treated like animals and women are treated like men. I guarantee you won't have a comfortable life."
Li Qingyao was so happy that the traces of tears on his face had long disappeared. She said, "I'm a little curious. Have you ever encountered any difficulties like me that you couldn't overcome since you grew up?"
Except my brother—she added in her heart.
Chen Pu said, "Is there any need to ask? The only obstacle I can't get over in my life is your brother. To be honest, I have always had everything I wanted since I was a child. I am the youngest in the family and everyone spoils me, especially my grandmother, who agrees with me in almost everything.
But I was not very obedient at that time. From kindergarten to high school, I was the bully in the school, to my shame. My family forced me to go to police school because they were afraid that I would become a bad person. Originally, they planned to let me go home and find something to do and get paid for lying down after I had been beaten up in the police academy and had turned over a new leaf. However, after studying for two years, I decided to become a policeman in the future because I wanted to do it and they agreed with me. My parents and my older brother have long said that as long as I don’t do anything bad in my life, I can live however I want. In the first two years of looking for your brother, everyone praised me for my kindness and righteousness. Even my two brothers supported me financially and manpower. Of course I accepted it all. It would be a shame not to take advantage of them. But in recent years, everyone has advised me not to look for one.
But I'm going to find it. In fact, sometimes I think that it is good to have a goal to strive for in life. It makes life more exciting and life more meaningful. ”
Li Qingyao suddenly understood one thing, that is, why Chen Pu could insist on looking for her brother for so long when there was little hope, and planned to continue looking.
Because he has had a smooth life since childhood and has hardly encountered any major setbacks. From the moment he was born, his life had a security guarantee that no one else could achieve. Originally, he should have lived a carefree, happy and ostentatious life, and being a policeman was what he wanted.
He was originally God's darling, a master of reincarnation, a prince who lived in a golden castle and was unaware of the sufferings of the world, and a little tyrant who could call the wind and rain and act arrogance. He is an absolute idealist.
But he met Li Jincheng, a good-natured man with a common sense. They had similar interests and were influenced by him. He changed for him and they became friends for life.
Then Chen Pu lost Li Jincheng again.
This was perhaps the first time in the little prince's life that he experienced the pain of loss.
If it were most people, they would be sad for a while and try their best to look for the loved one for a while, but when there is really no other way, they can only cherish the memory forever and go on with their life.
But Chen Pu refused to do it.
He is a little prince who grew up spoiled and a little bully who is fearless. He doesn't want to lose, and no one can make him lose.
So he was so determined to do it, no matter who tried to persuade him, he was unwilling to give up his youth, life, and time, he just wanted to get back the best friend of his life.
…
The dark night is reflected on the window glass, and the rumbling sound of the train continues. Chen Pu suddenly heard Li Qingyao sighing: "Why are you such a person..."
Chen Pu was puzzled: "What's wrong with me?"
"Big fool."
"No personal attacks."
"Go to bed quickly. We still have to investigate the case tomorrow. Good night and have a sweet dream, Chen Xiaopu."
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