Chapter 35 I lied to you, I won't do it again.
Yu Xue wanted to call and comfort Lin Yinyin, but she felt embarrassed because of their current relationship. She stood quietly with her phone in hand, hesitant to press the dial button.
Even though she knew Lin Yinyin's phone number by heart, she didn't dare to move a finger.
Wen Feng saw through Yu Xue's thoughts, scrolled through his phone again, and said, "Lin Yinyin posted a message an hour ago, saying, 'Sorry, I got drunk last night and vowed to retire from the entertainment industry, so I said some truths. I'm really sorry. I will continue to pretend to be well-behaved in the future. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. But I won't be appearing on the big screen for a while, and I guess I won't have any roles to play. I'm going abroad for a trip anyway. I'll say sorry again.'"
Yu Xue couldn't help but laugh out loud, a laugh that seemed a bit inappropriate, but it was clear from the post that Lin Yinyin was currently fine.
She breathed a sigh of relief and placed her phone face down on the table. "She always had a great attitude. Her family spoiled her, so even though she was isolated by her classmates in high school, no one dared to bully her. I remember once when she was chatting with me, she said she wouldn't have children in the future. A boy sitting behind her heard this and called her a 'boxer.' She punched him in the face and said, 'That's what boxing is all about.'"
Wen Feng chuckled twice, his mind filled with the doctor's instructions. He repeatedly pondered the words that were already on the tip of his tongue, carefully adjusting his expression, and asked, "Did you know Lin Yinyin in high school? Was there a Lin Yinyin in that world too?"
Wen Feng noticed that Yu Xue's smile had almost disappeared halfway through his sentence, and his voice became a little softer.
Yu Xue stood there, looking at the flowers in full bloom on the balcony, and reached out to touch a petal, lost in thought.
Wen Feng quickly replied, "It's probably because there are too many memories in your mind, causing them to become confused."
Yu Xue turned her head, a smile on her face, and asked, "I was distracted just now and didn't hear you clearly. What did you just say?"
Wen Feng looked at her eyes crinkling with a smile, and his heart clenched.
Every time he saw Yu Xue in this state, when she was half-asleep and confused, he felt a pang of pain, even when she was smiling and looked no different from a normal person. He just felt his heart clench with pain.
He stood up, stood beside her, and raised his right hand to brush a stray hair from her ear.
When his hand reached her shoulder, Yu Xue's neck jerked backward, and her left eyelid twitched uncontrollably, as if trying to close, but unable to due to the resistance of her conscious mind.
Yu Xue has fought against her subconscious countless times, but she has never completely won.
She was caught in a struggle with her own body when she was suddenly enveloped in a warm embrace.
Wen Feng held her tightly in his arms. The slight restraint gave her a great sense of security. She leaned on his shoulder, not thinking or saying anything, just leaning there, as if she had fallen asleep standing up.
Wen Feng kissed the top of her head and asked, "When did you realize you were sick? Was it that day at the hotel?"
Yu Xue shook her head, "Even earlier."
She rubbed her head against his chest and said, "If you ask me exactly when, I don't remember. It shouldn't be earlier than this year, but it was definitely that night at the hotel that made me decide to admit that I have a mental illness and start treatment in peace."
Wen Feng asked, "Why? Because of that argument?"
Yu Xue: "Yes...not entirely. Actually, when I met that fan on the street, I kept thinking, there really are living people who, even though I've disappeared for so long, are willing to log on every day just to prove that she loves me. I suddenly really wanted to stand in front of the screen again. I was afraid of letting them down. But standing in front of the screen isn't something that can be done with just two legs."
Yu Xue: "I've experienced being broke, I've been a fan of celebrities, and I know many other fans. I know that most people's income comes from their fixed monthly salary, and some receive pocket money from their parents. Some of them spend money on you because they truly see you as their emotional support. The more you advise them to take care of themselves and not spend so much money on you, the more they feel they made the right choice and the more willing they are to spend money on you."
Yu Xue pushed Wen Feng away, stepped out of his embrace, and stood straight on her own two legs. "Whether I like it or not, I have become a pillar of support for some of my fans. I accept their sacrifices, and I enjoy the fame and fortune that comes with being admired. I should set a good example. No matter how much pain or discomfort I feel in private, when I return to the screen, I should face them with a smile."
She looked into Wen Feng's eyes. "I don't want to appear in front of them again without daring to look them in the eye, making them think that I look down on them. Am I supposed to explain to them that I have a mental illness?"
“No.” She immediately rejected herself, clutching her chest. “I know that pain cannot be compared, and everyone feels the same heartache, but people will still inevitably compare. I have money and leisure. If I get sick, I can easily quit my job, lie in a big villa, and not worry about what I’ll eat tomorrow or whether I’ll end up sleeping under a bridge. But if they get sick, they don’t even dare to take a day off. Even if they really have a mental illness, they have to force themselves to go to work. Their self-healing time is those few hours in the early morning when they’re scrolling through their phones. They dare not sleep, afraid they’ll have to get up early the next day; they dare not stay awake, afraid they’ll have to get up early the next day.”
She clenched her fist and placed it over her heart. "I can't add any more burden to them. I can't keep going down this path of despair. I have to live up to every minute they've spent on me. I have to make them feel relaxed every time they see me."
Wen Feng grabbed her hand and stood beside her. "I know, I know everything."
He took another step forward, wanting Yu Xue to lean on him. "But you don't have to stand there alone. You can tell me about your emotions behind the screen, you can vent to me. If I have any problems at work, I can tell you too. We are each other's lovers. We rely on each other, so it's not so tiring."
His final words were almost a plea, "Don't stand by the railing by yourself, don't stay so far away from me..."
Yu Xue took a step closer to him, "Wen Feng, I might... I might..."
She gritted her teeth and forcefully stated her decision, "I might not be leaving! Let Yu Xue in this world enjoy the happiness of the other world. I have my own happiness and responsibilities in this world."
After she finished speaking, she let out a long breath, and in Wen Feng's dazed gaze, she stood on tiptoe and kissed the corner of his mouth, "I can finally tell you, I love you."
Wen Feng finally came to his senses and hugged her tightly once again. "I love you too. I've loved you for a long time. I haven't stopped loving you for a single day. I love you so much that my heart aches every day."
Yu Xue chuckled in his ear and said, "You're being quite affectionate today. So, are you willing to have physical contact with me now?"
Wen Feng wrapped his arms around her waist, picked her up, hooked his foot onto the balcony door, and carried her into the room.
Wen Feng: "Could you move into my room?"
Yu Xue: "We've been sleeping in the same bed for ages, so why would we care about moving?"
The first time didn't go as smoothly as Yu Xue had imagined. Both of them were very inexperienced. Wen Feng didn't know what to do next or whether to go in. Yu Xue was almost asleep, but Wen Feng was still hesitating.
Yu Xue didn't understand: "What exactly are you hesitating about?"
Wen Feng: "I'm worried you might get hurt if I don't follow the steps correctly, so I'm searching for preparation information."
Yu Xue: "...Is it really that complicated?"
Wen Feng: "Being too hasty can cause bleeding, and if you don't find the right spot, you'll feel uncomfortable. If you're going to do it, do it well and avoid any problems."
Yu Xue pursed her lips, truly unsure of what to say. Should something like this also adhere to the principle of "if you're going to do it, do it well"?
Okay, she doesn't need to do anything anyway, so she can just lie there.
However, when it came to actual practice, Wen Feng performed very well. Yu Xue was very satisfied with his size, duration, and stamina. It was just that his strength was sometimes too light and sometimes too heavy. At first, Yu Xue was in the mood to direct him, but later she found that she couldn't get the direction right, so she just let him do it.
Wen Feng had a good night's sleep and slept in late, a rare occurrence. When he woke up the next day, he felt a glare and wondered where the bright sun came from in the middle of winter. He squinted and saw Yu Xue holding something reflective in her hand, pointing it at her own chest.
The next moment, he immediately woke up, pounced forward, grabbed the knife, and in his haste, grabbed the blade. He felt a sharp pain, but did not let go. With a burst of strength, he flung the knife and blood away.
He stood up abruptly, disregarding his emotions, and shouted angrily, "What are you doing! You've gone back on your word!"
Yu Xue tried to grab his injured hand, but was pushed away.
This was the first time she had ever seen Wen Feng truly enraged; his voice was so rough and hoarse, and even his face was distorted.
Her gaze remained fixed on his trembling arm as she said, "No, I'm not trying to commit suicide."
Wen Feng's expression softened slightly, but he still asked with suspicion, "Then what are you going to do?"
Yu Xue: "I want to measure my fear of death."
She turned her head away, unable to bear looking at his hands any longer. "I dreamt of my mother again last night. She said she hoped I was afraid of dying."
She took a deep breath, tilted her head back, and swallowed. "She said she hoped I would stay far away from death, and that it wouldn't matter if I never went to see her again. She said she didn't want me to experience the pain of a knife in my chest."
She couldn't suppress her sobs: "When I woke up this morning, I suddenly wanted to test how far I was from death. I took a knife, pointed it at my chest, and just wanted to know if I dared to stab myself..."
She wiped away her tears with her sleeve and dodged Wen Feng's touch. "When I felt my hands trembling, I knew I had done it. I was far away from death."
She covered her right chest with her hand, "Listen, my heart is still beating."
Wen Feng looked at her downcast eyes, reached out, grabbed her wrist, and moved her hand to the left. "Does it sound clearer here?"
Yu Xue tried to understand the meaning behind his words: "What? Didn't you say... my heart is on the right side?"
Wen Feng: "I was lying to you, a lie that was easy to expose... I was just taking advantage of the fact that you didn't dare to ask the doctor, and that you were careless and wouldn't carefully distinguish the source of the heartbeat."
Yu Xue still didn't understand, "Lie to me? Why would you lie to me about this?"
Wen Feng: "I'm afraid that next time you want to go home, you'll stab yourself in the heart. I suddenly remembered that the doctor once drew a circle on Colonel Aureliano's chest and told him that his heart was in this position."
Yu Xue murmured, "But when the bullet passed through that spot, the colonel didn't die. The bullet bypassed all the vital parts of his body..."
“Yes, I…” Wen Feng lowered his head, somewhat unable to look her in the eye.
Yu Xue laughed out loud, as if she had heard a joke. "What are you thinking? Novels aren't reality. If a knife really went into my chest, I probably wouldn't survive, no matter which way I went."
Wen Feng: "I don't know, I just... I just..."
"Are you afraid I'll leave?" Yu Xue replied with a smile, taking his injured hand. "It won't happen again. Okay, that's enough. Let me put some medicine on you."
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Author's Note: Sorry I'm late today! [Heart]
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