Chapter 31 Resist, Don't Blame Your Body
After the entire meal, Yu Xue only had one thing to say: "Never mind, whatever."
She could never understand the logic of the Chen family, nor could she ever figure out which dynasty or era they came from.
Sometimes, even when you know they need to be changed, they've already fallen behind the times.
But I don't know how to change them, nor do I feel that I have the ability to change them.
All she could do was say, "Whatever, whatever."
Just live your own life well.
After finishing their meal, Yu Xue and Wen Feng were about to leave when their grandmother stopped them, saying she wanted to talk to them.
Yu Xue couldn't find an excuse for a moment, so she sat down.
The uncle went to see the relatives home, while the aunt and her daughter went to the kitchen to wash the dishes. The grandmother, Chen Wanxi, and Chen Wanxi's son sat in the living room with Yu Xue and her husband, chatting idly.
They were all saying meaningless things, like "the child is making a lot of money," "they're successful," and "they need to support the family."
Yu Xue pretended to be deaf and dumb, just as she often did in the past, something she was best at.
Chen Wanxi: "What are you busy with all day long? Are you really that busy? Your younger brother misses his sister every day and asks Mom when she's coming back, but Mom can't say anything."
Yu Xue raised her eyes and looked at the nine-year-old boy eating an orange. He was already in the third grade, but he still needed his grandmother to peel oranges for him, and he seemed to enjoy it without a care in the world.
From childhood to adulthood, even when she was sick and wanted a cup of hot water, she had to pour it herself.
At that moment, she suddenly didn't want to pretend to be deaf and dumb anymore.
She suddenly realized that she was not Yu Xue from this world. Why should she inherit Yu Xue's gentle, kind, respectful, frugal, and modest character? Why couldn't she stand up and resist, overturn the table, and loudly defend herself once?
Even if such resistance comes at a great cost, it doesn't matter. She is not another Yu Xue. She shouldn't be cowardly. This world has already swallowed up too much of her individuality. She would rather die than sink into depravity.
She raised her chin and looked into Chen Wanxi's eyes. A huge fear pressed down on her. She could feel the fear in this body. She was trembling, as if she had seen a giant wave coming head-on.
But Yu Xue continued to watch, forcefully suppressing her tears, as if just one word of resistance had exhausted all her strength. "He misses me because I always carry nice things with me. My favorite crayons, keychains, hair clips, anything nice, as long as he sees it, he has to take it all. Even the ten yuan of pocket money I have on me, I have to buy him goldfish!"
She finally spoke, but it wasn't a pleasant experience. She felt dizzy, had a sore throat, and her body was trembling more and more noticeably, almost impossible to hide.
Everyone was watching her: her maternal grandparents, Chen Wanxi, and Wen Feng.
Wen Feng was surprised by Yu Xue's sudden change; he had thought Yu Xue would continue to pretend to be deaf and mute.
He reacted quickly, noticing that Yu Xue was trembling, and hurriedly got up and sat down next to her, joining her in being scrutinized by the whole family.
He held her hand, hoping she would open up and say everything she had suppressed over the years.
Seeing Yu Xue's tears, Chen Wanxi glanced at her contemptuously and said, "Look, from childhood to adulthood, you cry whenever I say anything to you, as if someone is going to hit you. I didn't say anything, I just said your younger brother misses you. How come you've become so heartless as you've grown up? You don't even recognize your own relatives anymore."
Yu Xue's mind raced, but years of numbness prevented her from immediately offering a rebuttal.
She stared directly into Chen Wanting's eyes, her gaze unwavering. Even though Chen Wanting's disdainful expression made her tense, she didn't want to back down. A familiar pain surged through her, starting in her heart and spreading throughout her body.
She had to take deep breaths to relieve the pain, as if she were crying.
“Oh dear, your mother didn’t say anything either.” Grandma frowned, completely failing to understand Yu Xue’s emotions. “Why are you crying? It’s like we’re abusing you.”
Wen Feng opened his mouth, but was interrupted by Yu Xue: "How could there be no abuse!"
She stood up, glanced around, stared directly at Chen Wanxi, her grandmother, and her grandfather. Overwhelmed by fear, she nearly collapsed. She appeared furious, with a torrent of rage needing to be released. "How can there be no abuse!"
She repeated her words and looked at Chen Wanxi.
She said, “Haven’t I suffered enough abuse from you since I was a child? When I was seven, you were pregnant. The aunties outside asked me if I wanted a younger brother or sister. I said a sister. When you came home, you beat me up and said that children’s words are very accurate and that I had to say it was a brother! Later, you miscarried and blamed me, saying that because I kept saying that you were having a girl, your son didn’t want to be born and went to heaven.”
She became more and more agitated as she spoke, and the fear that had been raging through her body seemed to be gradually dissipating.
She had to continue: "When have I ever said you were having a girl every day? I only said it that one time. You were spreading rumors about me outside every day, saying I didn't love little brothers, saying I was jealous, saying I killed your child! Isn't this abuse? Isn't this abuse?!"
She said, "I can tolerate being slandered by my classmates at school every day, but when I get home, you have to spread rumors about me too! I've lived through a lifetime of endless rumors! And you actually say you haven't abused me!"
"You actually said you never abused me..." Her voice suddenly dropped, and tears welled up uncontrollably again. Her throat and chest ached so much that she couldn't even scream.
But she still had to speak, she had to continue: "Later you spread rumors, saying that I was the one who caused your divorce, that your miserable life was all because of giving birth to me! It was clearly you who ruined me! Yet you said I ruined you! You didn't tell me anything, and suddenly gave birth to a brother fifteen years younger than me! I took meticulous care of him, couldn't bear to hit him, couldn't bear to scold him, sacrificed all my interests, just to make him smile. And yet you said... I forced you to give birth to this child at such an advanced age!"
Wen Feng tried to comfort her time and time again, but she kept pushing him away.
Her face was contorted with rage, she was practically going insane, "You say it's because I refused to be with you that you don't have a child to support you in your old age... Does that mean your second marriage was also because of me! Your second divorce was also because of me!"
Chen Wanxi snapped out of her shock, as if struck on a sore spot. She stood up and shouted, "Yes! That's right, the tragedy of my life is all your fault!"
Chen Wanxi threw the stool, nearly hitting Yu Xue. "I met your father right after graduating high school. If it weren't for giving birth to you, your father and I would be perfectly fine! How could we have gotten divorced! Haven't you ruined my marriage with your father enough since you were little? It was all just bad luck from the moment I was pregnant with you..."
Yu Xue: "...I didn't force you to give birth to me, nor did I make you get married right after graduation..."
Chen Wanxi: "...When I was pregnant with you, your dad was preparing for the postgraduate entrance exam. He was studying at school every day and couldn't come out at all. I was lying alone in the hospital bed, and you were crying loudly next to me. I had just given birth to you, and I still had an IV drip in my arm. I was breastfeeding you while I was getting an IV..."
Yu Xue: "...When I was in junior high, I was moved by the teacher to sit with the naughtiest boy in the class. The teacher hoped I could keep him quiet. Every day he would poke me with a ruler and pinch me with clips. I told you, you didn't care about me. I told my dad, but he didn't care about me either..."
Chen Wanxi: "...You kept crying in my arms. I couldn't do anything. There was no one to take care of me. I had to remove the IV myself. The day after giving birth, I got out of bed, held you, and tried to coax you to sleep. You cried at night and during the day. I couldn't get a good night's sleep at all..."
Yu Xue: "...If you could just call the teacher for me, I would feel better. Why do you always ignore me? And now you even think you haven't mistreated me..."
The two voices mingled together, a chaotic cacophony. Neither listened to the other, they just kept talking to themselves. They seemed unable to hear each other, rooted to the darkness before them, holding candles and slowly moving forward, leaning against the wall.
They could see each other if they just glanced back, but neither of them wanted to.
As Yu Xue walked in the darkness, she suddenly felt warmth. She felt a warm embrace from behind, pulling her along as if to tell her that there was a cliff ahead.
Yu Xue stopped, leaning on Wen Feng's shoulder, listening to Chen Wanxi's incessant footsteps. No one stopped her, no one pulled her back. Chen Wanxi continued walking forward, heading towards the unsolvable cliff.
Finally, the farce ended with the loud crash of Grandpa smashing a cup. Chen Wanxi sat in the corner, leaning her head against the wall. She usually disliked going to that place, afraid that there might be small insects on the spider webs, but at this moment, she didn't have the energy to think about those things; she just wanted to rest.
Yu Xue spoke out, but she didn't feel much better. Her resistance didn't bring about any huge consequences because her resistance was insignificant, merely representing her own slight rebuttal.
She was not enough to shake the rules of the Chen family, nor could she even save the next girl who had fallen into this bizarre tale of rules.
Out of the corner of her eye, she saw her grandmother crying and wiping away tears.
Chenchen continued watching cartoons, seemingly unconcerned that it was none of her business.
My grandfather simply couldn't understand what these two crazy women were doing, their arguments, or their pain.
Looking at the exhausted Chen Wanxi, he couldn't bear to say anything harsh, and just said lightly, "The child finally came back for a visit, why are you arguing with the child? What kind of mother are you?"
Chen Wanxi stood up and slammed the table shut. "What kind of mother am I! What kind of mother am I! Dad! When I was pregnant and asked the family for money and you wouldn't give it to me, why didn't you ask yourself how you were a father! When I lost my job during my postpartum period and asked you for help, why didn't you feel like you were a bad mother! And now you're asking me how I'm a mother!"
Grandpa stood up and slapped Chen Wanxi across the face.
Chenchen finally turned around and burst into tears.
When the table was overturned, a longan rolled to Yu Xue's feet, but Wen Feng kicked it away, afraid that she might step on it if she didn't see it later.
"Let's go home." Wen Feng gently patted her back.
"Okay, let's go home." Yu Xue noticed the peeled oranges at her feet out of the corner of her eye. She saw them, but pretended not to, and stomped on them, crushing them to pieces.
She didn't know what she was doing; was she pretending to be deaf and dumb again, just like she used to?
It wasn't until she got into Wen Feng's car that her eyes seemed to truly see.
Her hands were still trembling, her heart was still pounding, and her mind was filled with inexplicable worry.
Will Chen Wanxi appear at the hotel entrance later and yell at her?
Will Chen Wanxi get her phone number later and harass her as usual?
Why, even as an adult, is she still afraid of things that don't seem worth fearing?
She shouldn't be afraid! So what if she shows up at the hotel entrance? Just call the police! So what if you get her phone number? Just block it!
But she was still trembling. Her brain and body were out of sync. She felt she shouldn't be afraid, but her body was strongly contradicting her.
Tears welled up in her eyes, and she clenched her fists, trying to prove that she was brave and wouldn't cry.
"Yu Xue," Wen Feng called out.
Yu Xue tried to appear calm and immediately hummed in response. The more she tried to act, the less convincing she became. Her unusual voice and reaction speed made her nervousness even more apparent.
Wen Feng: "It's normal for emotions to have continuity. Don't blame your body. If it's very sad, let it cry for a while."
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