Chapter 8
This isn't the first time you've been confessed to, but it's the first time a boy has confessed to you.
You can neither listen to it nor walk away.
"Nanfei, I know you feel the same way, that's why I like you."
What is it?
You stare at him in shock.
The male students wore down jackets over their school uniforms, and their bodies originally smelled of hot food. Now, the cold wind dissipated the smell, giving you an uncomfortable feeling of facing a table full of leftovers.
He ate at the same table as you, slept in the same dormitory, and studied together. He has the same body and the same organs as you.
You feel a strong sense of being violated, along with an uncontrollable fear and confusion.
You rejected him coldly and without hesitation, even reacting somewhat violently.
A male classmate walked over and tried to hold your hand. You were startled and shoved him in a panic. He bumped into the window frame, and his eyes immediately welled up with tears. You stood there awkwardly, your face showing anger and helplessness, and your mind a complete mess.
You look away and gaze at the dirty little river outside the restaurant. The thick, lush taro leaves along the riverbank have turned black from the roots up because of the poor water quality.
I don't like you.
After you finished speaking in a curt tone, you turned and walked into the house.
When your classmates in the private room saw you come back, they asked what you had been doing and why you looked so upset. You didn't say anything, and after a long while, the male classmate walked in with his head down. Neither of you mentioned what had just happened.
His eyes were still red, and he was chatting and laughing with his classmates as usual. He had always been the eldest brother in the class, but now you felt that he was restless and his smile was forced.
After the dinner party that day, you acted as if nothing had happened, but when you faced him, you couldn't help but put on a defensive posture. Others thought you had a fight and asked you indirectly, but you didn't say a word, confirming that you had broken up.
While others in the small group were being polite, you still didn't give the male classmate a friendly look.
And from that day on, you noticed a lot of details.
He used to sit in front of you and would often turn around to talk to you, glancing at you every now and then while he was talking.
Now he turns around, and you keep your head down, doing your homework, not giving him a single glance.
When the test papers are handed out to everyone, yours will always be left until the end. You didn't think anything of it before, but now you feel very annoyed. Those two overlapping test papers seem to be some kind of secret thoughts being conveyed to you through the paper, choking you, leaving you speechless and unable to express your anger.
He stands behind you while you do your exercises. When you turn around, he quickly looks away. He sleeps on the bunk above you. Before going to sleep, he walks around in front of the bed in slippers, memorizing vocabulary words while secretly glancing at you.
He jokingly called you Peter Pan, he touched your face, wore your school uniform, borrowed your pen and eraser, and then said he couldn't find them and gave you new ones.
You discovered so many small details that you could scrutinize, and you became extremely anxious and tense. Like Grandet counting coins, you exhausted your memories to think about why he did what he did, trying to find evidence of his moral depravity and inhumanity so that you could distance yourself from him and hate him.
But you didn't succeed. He hadn't done anything heinous. Besides liking you, he was cheerful, loved to laugh, and was popular. You were the only one in the whole school who knew his secret.
He knows you avoid him, reject him, and he doesn't get close, but his affection for you is obvious when you look at him, and his sadness is blatant when you ignore him.
You can't describe his behavior in words, and you're extremely anxious. You try to hate him but fail.
Those months were very difficult for you. Qiu Li came to see you several times, but you didn't go home.
You don't understand the root of your anxiety until one night, you dream of vaguely kissing someone of the same sex. You don't know who that person is, but that dream is like a thunderbolt striking your brain.
After thinking it over for a long time, you decided to ask him to talk to you alone.
During that monthly break, you didn't go home. Instead, you went to the back of the school and sat facing each other for a while in a small pavilion halfway up the mountain.
The boy, carrying a water bottle, looked at you and took out a box of snacks from his bag—something he often brought with him: "Are you hungry?"
You start to get a little anxious again: "I'm not eating."
He gave a wry smile and put the box back in his backpack: "Then why did you come to me?"
Clutching your schoolbag, you try to ignore the strange feeling in your heart: "I want to correct your perception. I'm different from you, you..."
A male classmate suddenly interrupts you: "Nanfei, do you know about homosexuality?"
You were taken aback: "What?"
The male classmate looks straight at you and says, "I'm gay, and I think you are too."
You take a deep breath, frown, and try to find a thread in your jumbled thoughts. In a debating tone, you ask him to repeat, "Can you give a clear definition of homosexuality?"
The male student smiled and said, "Just like you can see, I like the same sex and can fall in love with the same sex."
You immediately retort, "I don't like you."
So you are not.
The male classmate said, "Yes, you don't like me. I'm grateful that you didn't tell anyone. But Nanfei, my intuition is right. You and I are the same kind of people. I knew I was gay back in junior high school. I would never like a straight man."
You look directly at him and say, "I'd like to read some books on this topic. Do you have any?"
The male student was silent for a moment: "I have a computer at home, you can use it to check."
Receiving your gaze, he said, "Don't worry, I won't do anything to you. I just like you, just like all the other girls who like you."
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