Chapter 13
The feeling was subtle; you both knew it, yet remained silent, like eating candy through a candy wrapper.
You haven't responded, and your senior hasn't tried to peel back that shell either.
He rarely talks to you when there are other people in the dorm, but he posts a ton of cute emojis on his phone, including all sorts of adorable cats and dogs rolling around.
Even if he's sitting on the bed opposite you when he makes those faces.
They may look indifferent, but once you send a reply and the screen lights up, they immediately grab their phone, glance at you quickly, seem embarrassed, yet still persistently type out a "muah" emoji.
The senior student is in the Foreign Languages Department, which is far away from your Physics Department, but he always manages to arrive at the teaching building where you have classes early, appearing in front of you like a ghost: "What a coincidence, Nanfei, want to have dinner together?"
You only found out later that in order to rush over and happen to have a meal with you after class, he bought a bicycle and secretly hid it at the corner of the building. This is why he could always run into you after class, no matter which building he was in.
Then one day, you used the money you earned from part-time work to buy him a small electric scooter as a birthday gift.
The senior's gloomy face slowly turned red, eventually turning into a monkey's bottom. Because everyone in the dormitory was there, he was clearly very uncomfortable, but he still kept a straight face, pretended to be normal, and accepted the car keys.
That evening you were bombarded with his emojis.
He sat on the opposite bed, dressed in neat pajamas. When you looked up, he didn't look away, his gaze fixed on you intently.
You smiled and looked down to continue reading your book.
The following evening, before going out for a walk, you received a book handed to you by your senior. He handed it to you and left. You opened the book and found a love poem written on the title page.
Just like a beautiful body that died young.
Sealed in tears in a luxurious tomb,
A rose pillow lay beneath her head, and jasmine blossoms were placed at her feet.
That's what unfulfilled desires are like.
Even a night of passion, a single day of bright sunshine
They were never given permission.
...
During the university sports meet, freshmen were drafted into participating in many events. You couldn't resist the female class monitor's advances and were forced to sign up for a lot of events: high jump, long jump, sprints...
The last event was the 1500-meter race.
He Songyou and Camel, two nerdy guys, were dragged into playing basketball because they were tall. They were noobs of the Chinese Literature Department and actually won, earning the cheers of a rare female student from the Physics Department.
You won first place in the sprint and did well in the high jump, but when it came to the long-distance race, you couldn't keep up with your stamina.
However, your long-standing habit of not giving up halfway still allowed you to persevere and complete the entire race.
The senior student prepared a lot of things before your competition started. After delivering water to He Songyou and the others, he rushed over to your side without stopping, carrying several bags.
The sun was very strong that day. After your long run, you walked slowly to catch your breath.
People waiting at the finish line rushed forward, surrounding their respective athletes. Some were too exhausted to stand up and knelt down, while others vomited from the strenuous exercise.
Amidst the chaos, you hear your senior's voice. Turning around, you immediately see him covered in a cool, damp towel, roughly wiping away the sweat from his face to his neck.
Because there were so many people, his presence wasn't at all out of place. You stood comfortably in the sunlight, exchanging glances with each other, a mixture of secret unease and joy.
"study……"
You're holding an ice towel, and the other person pulls out a spray bottle and starts spraying you with it.
He was clearly the kind of tall, handsome guy with a gloomy demeanor, who was usually extremely meticulous from head to toe and would never go out looking greasy. But now he was acting like a mother hen, with jingling things around him, a water bottle and a towel hanging on his body, blocking any girls who wanted to walk by, and pulling out sunscreen spray and medicated oil like a treasure chest.
Then they grabbed your arm and said in a pessimistic tone, "You're sunburned."
He patted you several times in a very imposing manner, to relax your muscles.
Although his movements were stiff, his demeanor was still like that of a professional physiotherapist, showing great concern for the athletes who had just finished their competitions with a gloomy expression.
You were both amused and exasperated, and grabbed his hand that was spraying the spray: "Senior, I'm fine."
The girl who had been helping the person ran over looking embarrassed: "Nanfei, Nanfei, we didn't bring any Tiger Balm, could you please..."
You hand her the medicated oil you're holding: "This is from my senior."
The senior student snapped out of his daze and immediately became a silent porcelain doll, saying to the girl, "It's okay, you can take it and use it, you don't need to return it."
Amidst the jostling and chattering of a crowd, he was unexpectedly bumped into your arms. After a brief moment of contact, you were both taken aback. You straightened him up without making a sound.
The senior's face turned an unusual red, and he awkwardly stammered. Because he was different from others, even such a seemingly insignificant and tense brush could make someone blush and their heart race.
You know, both he and you are proper men in terms of personality and appearance. When you roll up your shirt sleeves, you can see the faint muscle lines on your arms. But the embarrassment that you couldn't hide at that time still reminded you of the mimosa plant.
At that time, your relationship with him was ambiguous.
However, a major incident occurred at the school later: a female student from the Foreign Languages Department stabbed her roommate, causing massive liver bleeding. The roommate was rushed to the hospital but could not be saved.
The girl was arrested, and her dormitory was ransacked. Someone found her diary, which contained words that revealed her absurd lust for her roommate.
The news spread like wildfire, and the word "homosexuality" quickly became a hot topic of discussion at school, with the school forum filled with accusations and malice.
Coincidentally, the senior's family discovered the homosexual videos their son had hidden on his iPad at that time.
Your senior is an only child, and his parents are conservative, traditional factory workers. The immense pressure he faced caused him to lose more than 20 kilograms in one go. During that time, your relationship with your senior inexplicably cooled down.
Every time you look at each other, you deliberately look away, as if everything around you is reminding you of your differences.
You can feel that pain, that burning anxiety that makes you want to burn your heart and lungs to ashes. You can't defend yourself, you can't speak up. Every time you call, he stands on the balcony in long silence, as if he can't say anything except "I'm sorry" and "It's not me."
No matter how old a person gets, they are equally powerless and caught off guard when faced with the tribulations and trials that life throws their way.
One day, you find him hiding in the bathroom, doing something you don't know. His two roommates are playing games and making a lot of noise. You walk over and knock gently on the door.
You see a shadow standing to the side behind the door, slowly approaching, like a pine tree facing the wind in winter, about to break under the weight of the wind.
"Would you like to go for a walk with me?"
Ask him.
After a long pause, he opened the door, and you held out your hand to him: "Go now."
No one noticed you as you quietly slipped out of the campus and wandered aimlessly.
You stop in front of street performers, and in the dead of night, you belt out songs with the musicians until your voices are hoarse. You go out for hot pot, drink alcohol, ride bicycles, and vent your energy like there's no tomorrow.
The winters in the north are so cold. He was riding in front of you when suddenly the bike wobbled and he fell to the ground.
You abandoned the car and ran over to pull him away. You found him with his eyes covered, crying very softly. You pulled him away, and he suddenly reached out and hugged you. There was no one around, nothing at all. The empty winter night was silent. You had never been so bold, so unrestrained in your embrace, so silent in your kiss.
The senior hugged you and said, "Nanfei, I've never felt so bad before. I used to think that people who self-harm were mentally ill, but when I fell just now, even though it hurt so much, I suddenly felt a sense of relief, as if the pressure had flown away. I paid the price, and I don't have to feel so bad anymore."
His voice was hoarse: "I'm so afraid I'll do something wrong, Nanfei. Do people like us have no future?"
You pressed his head into your arms and whispered, "No, we both have a future, a bright future."
That night, you talked a lot.
Your senior asks you if you want to get to know people in the community.
You ask him, "What circle?"
The senior student said, "Our circle is full of people like us. We usually meet at a fixed place, and no one will care what we do there."
You neither refused nor agreed, but instead asked, "What do you want to do?"
The senior paused for a moment: "Sometimes I feel very tired. Aren't you tired?"
You hear your own voice, low yet firm, saying to him, "Then you can be your true self in front of me."
The senior has been watching you for a long time.
After that, your relationship returned to normal.
He's still very good to you, but he's more subtle and cautious. That feeling makes you truly realize how repressed and difficult it is to love someone of the same sex.
In the second semester of sophomore year, He Songyou moved out to live with his girlfriend, leaving only three people in the dormitory. Luo Tuo and you were preparing for the postgraduate entrance examination. He lacked self-control and chose to study in the library, while you didn't like crowds and stayed in the dormitory.
It was raining heavily outside that day, and your senior hadn't returned from class. You thought for a moment, then took your umbrella and went out to meet him.
You meet him at the lakeside pavilion halfway there.
The rain was heavy. He held two books in his right hand to shield his head as he walked through the rain. For some reason, you didn't go up to him and just stood there with your umbrella.
He walked down the side path with his head down, bumped into you, and opened his mouth in surprise.
The scene was hardly beautiful. His usually neat and handsome hair was wet from the rain, and strands of it clung to his face. He had a brooding, handsome style, and wherever he went, he attracted attention. Even when he was still, he was still pleasing to the eye.
Now, soaked to the bone by the heavy rain, he felt utterly dejected and listless, clutching two books.
They looked as disheveled as drowned rats.
Upon seeing you, his expression suddenly changed, like a young girl meeting her crush, and he quickly ran his fingers through his hair.
You ask him, "Why did you come back in the rain?"
Water droplets clung to the senior's eyelashes. The November weather was a bit chilly, and the tall man couldn't help but shiver. He stiffly and awkwardly smoothed his bangs: "I only got off halfway there."
You handed him the hoodie, and the senior was silent for a while before reaching out to take it.
The rain curtain merges the sky and earth into one, pedestrians hurry by, and the two of you walk on the quiet cobblestone path. Raindrops fall on the emerald green leaves of the ivy, singing a rustling song.
"Southward flight".
The senior suddenly stopped and said, "Can I be with you?"
Author's Note:
The love poem mentioned in the text is "Eros" by the modern Greek poet Cavafy.
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