Chapter 37
After falling in love, you can't do many things as freely as you want anymore. After all, you're not living alone, so you have to be more self-aware.
You are good at handling things gently, so as not to disturb the young friends who are slowly kicking open the door and settling down in their hearts.
Others might hope their partner loves them completely, such as holding grudges, being indifferent, or having a bad temper, but you won't. You've lost so much, so you understand even more the preciousness of love and how easily it can be worn down.
And you are strong-willed and rational enough that you don't mind being more tolerant of the person you love, and you don't need him to bear your bad side.
You are an adult, you know how to manage your own stress.
Moreover, since he is the older one, there is no reason for him to be tolerated by younger people who are less capable than him.
Life is not a novel, and romance is not an idol drama.
You are surrounded by capable elites who know the rules well. Where would you find a young man or woman in their thirties who is still ignorant and naive, waiting for someone to save them and live a happy life?
You believe that people should rely on themselves first, and then on their loved ones. Always making others bear your emotions will only crush them.
And if you really have to be forced to say something sentimental to start this new relationship, you'll just say something dry like, "I hope we can stay together forever."
See? It's so simple and plain. Even a poem copied from the internet is more ornate than this.
But someone like you, I don't want him to suffer the same hardships he's endured, and I won't let him experience the neglect, deception, and betrayal he's encountered in relationships again.
If you want him to be with you, it means you've found stability and happiness.
You want him to be with you; there's nothing else to worry about.
You hope to be a part of his life, a source of support, a safe harbor, a home he can return to no matter the weather.
But you and Fang Xu are very different in many ways: age, hobbies, and personality. You try your best to find a balance in the lifestyles that you are both used to, but for some reason, the topics you can discuss when you are together are becoming increasingly scarce.
It usually starts with you, he moans and groans, and ends with him pinning you down on the bed.
Your age and experience determine your status; you help him, but you never mention it.
You renovated your house. Although he may not necessarily move in, you imagine he wouldn't like the overly cold and impersonal decor.
You notice his favorite flavors, and the next time you eat out, you casually mention them. Only after the food is in his mouth does he smack his lips and exclaim, "Wow, thank you, this is my taste, it's really delicious!"
Fang Xu has said a lot.
He said, "I like you the most."
"Let's go have some fun together! Do you want to go to a haunted house or an escape room? My friend invited me, we can go together!"
"Do you want to go surfing or paragliding? It sounds like a lot of fun. Okay, if you have to work, I'll remember to take pictures for you. As for moving in with me, that's too much trouble. I have a lot of stuff here, so let's wait a bit."
"Hey, there's no need to be so rigid. Going out to relax occasionally won't cause any problems."
"Teacher Nan, your hobby is really common."
You don't like to show off, you're not obsessed with coming out publicly, you don't need other people's blessings or envy, you can live a stable life, you have people you care about, and you're just like ordinary people. You're happy that you don't have to lock yourself in your room alone on holidays.
Moreover, by pretending that homosexuality didn't exist, people who didn't experience that extremely repressive era might not understand.
You two go out together for Christmas.
Fang Xu was holding your hand outside. You looked very serious. He was all smiles at first, but then he rolled his eyes so much that you almost wanted to suggest he see an ophthalmologist.
You knew he was dissatisfied, but he didn't explain. Before the clock struck midnight, you finally climbed Fengming Mountain. Fireworks burst into the city lights, exploding against the dark sky.
There were many people climbing the mountain to watch the fireworks.
As you watch the colorful fireworks, you suddenly recall a winter night last year when you collapsed on a bridge, surrounded by strangers. You encountered another stranger weeping bitterly. The immense fear and sorrow that once overwhelmed you, but now…
You turn your head, and in the deep darkness around you, you wrap Fang Xu in your coat from behind.
Snowflakes are falling softly.
A single leaf falling signals the arrival of autumn; a single snowflake indicates the coming of winter.
The new year is approaching.
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