Chapter 8
Li Rong stuffed the silk cloth back into his arms, his mind returning to a peaceful state. The fatigue of the climb softened his chaotic thoughts, and he recalled the original intention of his study tour: to pursue a goal, no matter how difficult the road. Su Si picked up the canteen, drank the water, and followed Li Rong's steps to the foot of the mountain.
The setting sun dipped behind the distant mountains, leaving only the lower half of its glow illuminating the homes at the foot of the mountain. They paused to straighten their clothes. Li Rong took out his bag and handed it to Su Si. He then straightened his dishevelled hairband, ascended the steps, and gently knocked on the wooden door.
The sound of the bell rang again, but no one answered. Li Rong, knowing that the great scholar was occasionally away giving lectures, dismissed it as a poor time and told Su Si to rest. He himself, carrying Shu Xiu on his back, stood at the door, waiting. The autumn wind blew into the night, bringing gusts of chill. Despite the young master's order, Su Si continued to stand on the steps, waiting for his return.
The crescent moon in the sky replaced the setting sun and emerged from the west. The deep forest on the mountain was filled with the howling of wild beasts. Li Rong stood there quietly, enduring the fatigue of climbing the mountain during the day. The night was deep and the frost was heavy. The coldness made him more awake. He thought quietly about the teachings he had heard in the past. There was a gentleman who must be sincere in his intentions, and be cautious in his solitude, not revealing anything hidden or obvious; there was the way of the university, which is to manifest the bright virtue, to be close to the people, and to stop at the highest virtue of heaven and earth; there was also the sage who does nothing and teaches without words, so that all things are created without starting, and achievements are completed without staying. [1]
The great principles are complex, ranging from the gentleman to the sage, and from the sage to heaven and earth. He did not understand the underlying principles, and after years of studying, he had only focused on self-discipline and the restoration of propriety, with little deviation from the norm. His career as an official was even more contrary to his father's earnest wishes. The universe was vast, and even after reaching adulthood, he was unable to judge the pros and cons of it. He did not know how to cultivate himself, manage his family, teach the people, govern the country, and rule the country to conquer the world.
He stood there quietly, the moon bright but the stars sparse, the remaining twinkling lights drifting in the wind casting shadows. When the mountains were still and the forests were empty, Su Si began to feel unsettled, his thin robe unable to keep out the chill of the night. "Sir, why don't you let me light a fire and rest for a while? The old master might be out lecturing somewhere and won't be back for a while."
Li Rong only replied with the second half, "The night is getting colder. You should light a fire and sit quietly for a while. According to what I've been asking, the gentleman will be back tomorrow at the latest. Since you're here to become his disciple, waiting a little longer won't matter." Su Si listened to the rest of the sentence, gathering fallen leaves and branches from the surrounding area and lighting a fire with flint near Li Rong. The fire was small, but at last it was warm. Su Si sat on the ground, gathering grass and adding to the fire, while his master waited.
The sun and moon alternated as they rose and set, and the dawn lighted the hillside. Li Rong quickly ate some dry food and continued to wait by the door. Su Si extinguished the fire and prepared to go to a nearby house to buy some water and refill the kettle. He stood up and knocked on the wooden doors of the houses nearby. He reached the hut where Li Rong was almost out of sight before someone opened the door.
A child opened the door. Su Si took out his bag, counted out a few copper coins, and gave them to the child, asking if he could boil some water to fill the kettle. The child babbled "yes" and ran off to talk to someone at home. Su Si waited outside the door. Someone, who was not sure if it was the child's father or grandfather, brought a full kettle to him. "Sir, where are you from? Why are you in a place like this?"
Su Si was stunned for a moment. He had been following Li Rong in calling him "Young Master" all day, but this was the first time he was being addressed like that. He quickly waved his hand and said no, then replied, "I'm just a little servant, not a young master. Uncle, do you know when the old gentleman who lives over there will be back, or if he left a few days ago?"
The old man recalled what Su Si said and shook his head again. "We also came here to avoid disaster. As for the houses around here, we don't know them all. Most of them are deserted." He seemed to remember something and said, "If I say I know them, I borrowed a candle from the old man over there before. I don't see anyone coming and going here on weekdays. Did you get lost in the wrong place?"
Su Si took out a few copper coins from his pocket and gave them to the old man. After some reluctance, he finally let the other party accept them as a thank you. After explaining that he was not lost, he prepared to go back.
Li Rong remained silent before the unopened door, only occasionally quenching his thirst by opening the canteen Su Si had brought him, waiting. The old gentleman, living in seclusion, had not yet returned. Li Rong waited overnight, then again for the day. Standing there in the quiet, deserted space, he pondered the past, recalling the tranquility of Jiangnan and the rich history of Xuzhou, and his own unresolved questions about the art of government. These questions remained the same as before, with no clues to their origin. He could only silently recite texts from the classics, hoping to find that elusive feeling, but it took time to achieve.
The setting sun faded into the clouds, and the nearby forest was stained crimson by the rosy glow. Li Rong sat cross-legged on the ground, listening to Su Si calculating his remaining rations. He ate a little, but still no one had returned. He wiped his fingertips with a white handkerchief and continued to stand at the steps, carrying Shu Xiu on his back. If he felt tired, he would just close his eyes and take a nap. Fortunately, a gentle breeze always blew past, bringing the chill of the northern autumn, preventing him from becoming lazy.
Su Si lit the fire as usual, then bent down to clear the frost from the ground. As for studying, though he held the title of a bookboy, he preferred the more laborious tasks of a servant. Being able to write his own name and read account books was enough for him to make a living. He took out some moistened dead leaves and broke off some dry branches from the foot of the mountain to add to the fire. Only when he saw the flames grow brighter did he stop and sit beside it.
Having lived in a water town for so long, his body couldn't withstand the cold northerly winds. The moon was half as full as yesterday, and in three or five days it would be a full moon. Li Rong swallowed his cough with his sleeve, his chest rising and falling as he calmed his breathing. Stars dotted the night sky, and thin clouds drifted with the wind to the distant mountain ranges.
Su Si heard the noise and stood up, intending to persuade Li Rong to sit down and rest for a while. He reached out to take off the sash on Li Rong's back and said, "Young Master, you've been standing for a long time. It's time for you to rest. We don't know when the old master will be back from his travels. What if you catch a cold again?"
Li Rong raised his hand to stop him, and then he put his hand on his shoulder to help him recover from his stumble. "I'm fine. Just rest. If we find someone, we'll need your help on the return trip."
Su Si used the firelight to see the dark circles under his son's eyes. He was worried but also puzzled. "There aren't many people living nearby. Who knows when the old man will be back. Are you going to keep waiting like this?"
Li Rong paused for a moment, then asked about the water and food. "How many days will the dry food last for you and me?" Su Si scratched his head and calculated their consumption. "Including the journey back to the city, you can only stand until tomorrow at most."
Li Rong closed his eyes for a moment and thought about the exhaustion of walking and the stiffness of standing for the past few days. The wait at this moment was more like a tempering of his character. Although he was not as resolute as the poorer he became, he was also struggling with himself here. Even now, he still couldn't explain what he was struggling with. Perhaps it was a distinction between the way to be an official and the way to be self-reliant, or perhaps it was the entanglement between success and failure. He asked, "When is the latest?"
Su Si calculated the latest time and answered truthfully, "If you cross the mountain overnight tomorrow, you can only stand until sunset tomorrow at most. But you have already stood for two days today. If you don't rest, I'm worried about your health..." He swallowed the rest of his words and saw his master nodded.
"Then you can rest at sunset tomorrow." Su Si knew he couldn't persuade the stubborn Li Rong, so he closed his eyes and lay on the ground, occasionally adding fuel to the fire to teach his son to avoid the cold wind. Even though he had been busy all year round, he was still tired after these few days. He closed his eyes and fell asleep in a short while.
When he woke up again, the fire beside him had gone out, and the frost on the ground was about to be melted by the sun. As usual, Su Si asked the old man for copper coins to exchange for water, and gave it to Li Rong to drink to quench his thirst.
The clouds today were much thicker than those of the past few days. Perhaps it was the approach of mid-autumn, the chill of the wind tingling against his clothes made him feel cold. Li Rong stood there quietly, just as he had the previous two days, his gaze fixed on the closed wooden door, a sense of unavoidable anxiety building in his stomach. Returning empty-handed was a common occurrence during his study tours. He had endured exhaustion before, and the two days of waiting had strengthened his resolve. But sooner or later, this unprecedented spirit would dissipate, perhaps in the joy of becoming his disciple, or perhaps in the loneliness of seeing no one return after sunset.
The natural world was far more fickle than he had imagined. Clouds obscured the radiant red sun, leaving only a boundless expanse of azure sky. Raindrops fell sporadically from the clouds, landing on the ash-strewn ground, on the long-unopened wooden door, and on Li Rong's thin, dark-colored shirt.
Li Rong closed his eyes. After three days of sleeplessness, he could no longer feel the fatigue in his body. He let the rain fall from the sky, soaking him to the skin. Su Si hurried to borrow an umbrella from a nearby family, but to no avail. He returned to Li Rong's side and said, "Sir, let's go. At least find a place to hide from the rain. It looks like it's going to get heavier soon."
He sighed softly, not knowing when it was time to withdraw from this struggle. In seeking a master, in seeking the Dao, it was both a matter of fate and no fate. The rain grew heavier, soon soaking both him and Su Si. He could only gather his bundle and prepare to turn back.
After his clothes were soaked, he felt cold all over. Li Rong covered his sleeve with his hands and coughed again. Supported by Su Si, he prepared to take one last look at the teacher he had not waited for and the unsolved truth.
The wooden door, soaked by the pouring rain, remained locked tightly, much as it had been for the past few days, as if reminding him of something. He turned, letting his unspoken sigh melt into the rain, preparing to return to Linyi, back to his path filled with unanswered questions, lost and anxious.
In the rain, the two figures blurred. Li Rong wiped the water droplets from his face, but caught a glimpse of a man in a white shirt approaching with a paper umbrella. He also stopped and waited, looking at the man from afar, unsure whether he was about to leave or if there was still a chance to stay.
[1] This paragraph is a mixture of the Great Learning, the Doctrine of the Mean, the Analects, and the Tao Te Ching. The subsequent passages also make superficial arguments based on the differences between Confucianism and Taoism.
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