Chapter 101 [VIP]
His ink-washed features, like a painting, sprouted a dense, oppressive emotion, transforming into a fine venom that threatened to erode his very bones, rip out his heart, and seize his soul. Xue Yi remained silent, yet even the air seemed to thicken and suffocate.
Lu Xuejin felt a sudden pain in her wrist, giving her the illusion that her bones were about to be crushed.
Xue Yi: "Changyou... what did you call me just now?"
Lu Xuejin snapped out of his daze, his forehead beaded with sweat. He no longer had the energy to speak to Xue Yi. His mind was completely worn down, the bitter medicinal scent in the air torturing him. His fingertips tightened, and a barely suppressed emotion flickered in his eyes.
"Brother, you may have misheard me. I just had a nightmare."
“Nightmare?” Xue Yi looked at his expression, her eyebrows lowered slightly, “That sounds like a good reason.”
"..." He looked at Xue Yi and saw his own disheveled state reflected in Xue Yi's eyes.
His legs were still trembling, there were several marks on his neck from being choked, his face was pale with a dull, pearly sheen, and his dark brown eyebrows and eyes were expressionless.
After a snow lotus finished blooming in the snow, it scattered, fragile and easily broken in the wind and snow.
“If my elder brother considers it a reason, then it is a reason.”
He endured Xue Yi's gaze, straightening his clothes amidst the chaotic mess on his desk. A cacophony of sounds filled his ears: sometimes the whistling of wind and snow, sometimes the deafening clamor of gongs and drums, sometimes utter silence. He saw himself in this boundless palace, the beams snapping under the weight, the raging fire unable to burn away the golden ruins.
Amidst the ruins, he spotted a small figure in red. Blood-dripping silk fell, and the boy in red, his deep brown eyes wide, saw him suffering and emerged from the shadows.
"Brother, you mustn't treat you like this!"
"Why don't you refuse? You know perfectly well... that it doesn't have to go this far!"
When Xue Yi saw him stand up, all the overwhelming jealousy and malice vanished, and his eyes regained the same calm as Xue Yi's.
"Changyou...where are you going? Are you angry already?"
He didn't answer his younger self, but said to Xue Yi, "I'm not angry. Brother has already finished... Would you like to do it again?"
His casual remark caused Xue Yi to freeze in place. A multitude of emotions flickered in Xue Yi's eyes, enveloping him in a thick, viscous aura that made his complexion appear even more ashen, like a bead fallen into the shadows, emitting a greasy, grayish-white hue.
"...Are you blaming me?" Xue Yi grabbed his wrist and easily hugged him again, whispering in his ear, "You never told me what nightmare you had. Tell me, if you don't... I'll always be suspicious, wondering if Changyou was having a nightmare or a wet dream."
"Whether it's a wet dream or a nightmare, it makes no difference to me. They're all just illusions anyway," he said.
"Song Zhao may still be waiting for his elder brother. Elder brother, please don't embarrass me." After he finished speaking, Xue Yi released him.
He sensed Xue Yi's presence, the scent that permeated the depths of his body. Xue Yi was clearly very satisfied with this and was therefore willing to let him go.
Xue Yi: "I will go to see you after I finish seeing Song Zhao... Changyou, don't be angry with me."
He remained silent, feeling as if the place was shrouded in heavy smog, making it hard to breathe. Even after he left Xiyuan Hall, the gloomy gaze still followed him, lingering around him and refusing to dissipate.
The vermilion palace walls reflected the moonlight at night, casting his image along with them. He gazed at his reflection, the scent gradually dissipating with the cold wind. His head was spinning, and after returning to Fangze Palace, he fell into a deep sleep once more.
He went back to the past.
"My brother is awake!"
Young Lu Xuejin immediately went over. After a year of recuperation, Xue Yi's complexion had improved considerably, and he was more lucid. Whenever this happened, he would immediately come over and show Xue Yi the articles he had learned from the Zhizhang Hall.
In his early years, Xie Wangfu gathered renowned teachers from all over the country, and he also discovered Xue Yi's extraordinary talent.
Every article he gave Xue Yi was unforgettable. He would casually give Xue Yi the teacher's assignments, and after Xue Yi finished writing them, he would give them to the teacher. Xue Yi always got very high marks in every subject.
He thought his elder brother was remarkable. Things that took him a long time to accomplish, his brother could always do with ease. Not only his schoolwork, but also those tedious classical Chinese texts, he would show them to his brother when he had nothing to do, and his brother would be able to use the classical Chinese fluently after reading them.
Despite his exceptional talent, his elder brother's interests lay elsewhere; he was far more curious about other things. Sometimes he would ask who he had met at the Zhizhang Hall, and other times he would inquire about his classmates and close friends. He would then introduce his closest friends to them.
"First is Wei Ning. Wei Ning is rough around the edges yet sometimes meticulous, generous and kind. My father said I would marry her someday. Then there's the Second Prince, Murong Xi... Murong Xi is cheerful and humorous, always telling a lot of jokes. He talks a lot, so you'll never be bored with him. And then there's the Eldest Princess, Murong Qing. The Eldest Princess is aloof and unapproachable, and you always feel a certain distance between you. But her writing is very interesting."
As a child, Xue Yi stared at him for a long time. Seeing him count on his fingers, he understood and immediately said, "My brother isn't inside. My brother is my family, much more important than them."
A blush rose on Xue Yi's sickly face as she looked at him and asked, "I... in the future, could I go to Zhizhang Palace with Changyou?"
“Of course,” he said happily, and immediately agreed. “As long as my brother’s health improves, we can go to school together.”
"Brother, you need to take your medicine properly. Then we can go to and from school together. I want to go with you, brother," he said expectantly, lying next to Xue Yi's crib.
Xue Yi smiled at him, a smile he hadn't given in a long time. His empty eyes held a look of bewilderment, and his confused smile was an effort to force a genuine smile.
Xue Yi's smile was reflected in his eyes, a smile that left a deep impression on him.
It was as if the skeleton he had personally watered had grown flesh and blood, and under his meticulous care, it had gradually developed a soul. The feeling in his heart was indescribable; he blushed at Xue Yi's smile, feeling a certain resonance with the Buddha. When the Buddha saved humanity, he must have felt no different from him.
Half a year later, Xue Yi's health improved significantly. He told his parents about it, and they agreed to let him go to Zhizhang Palace with him.
His parents would always try their best to fulfill his requests. It's said that when Xue Yi wanted to go to school, his father and the emperor had some disagreements. He had a good relationship with Emperor Liang and could sense that Emperor Liang didn't like his elder brother.
In the spring, when the pollen was in full bloom, he went to Zhizhang Palace with Xue Yi. Xue Yi had been staying at home for two years, and he had practiced a lot in order to go out with him. First, he often planted flowers in the yard with his mother. In order to take care of Xue Yi, his mother went out more often. He often saw his mother and brother appearing together in the courtyard.
They planted many Ruiyun Palace chrysanthemums in their courtyard. These precious chrysanthemums only bloom in autumn. When they bloom, clusters of white, flowing clouds fall down, their petals like soft silk, the white threads slightly curved, pure and beautiful. Every time he saw them, he couldn't take his eyes off them.
Despite practicing many times, Xue Yi was still very nervous. When they left, Xue Yi held his hand tightly, his small palms were covered in cold sweat, his brother's sweat.
"Don't worry, brother. The children in Zhizhang Palace... they are all doing well. And the Second Prince and the Eldest Princess, they will be very happy to see you. With your intelligence, the teacher will also like you. And Wei Ning... you already met him last time." He reassured Xue Yi.
Xue Yi had been ill for a long time and hadn't left his residence. His skin was excessively pale, and the black moles under his eyes were incredibly dark. Coupled with his reluctance to smile, his appearance resembled a beautiful, floating pearl, exuding a chilling aura. The alluring ghost in the storybooks, who could bewitch people, looked exactly like his brother.
"Really?" Xue Yi said to him, "I thought only Chang You would like me."
He said, "Of course, they are all good people."
In his youth, he and Xue Yi sat in the same carriage. Xue Yi was next to him, and his hand was held tightly. Perhaps from that moment on, Xue Yi became a dark and gloomy plant that parasitized him.
But the reality was not as he imagined. Because he was the son of the Prime Minister, the Emperor and Consort Li liked him, especially Emperor Liang, who often praised him highly. These noble families treated him with good manners and kindness, but they treated Xue Yi with a completely different attitude.
The Xie family, including the Xie prince and his wife, were framed for treason and hanged. Xue Yi, now living under someone else's roof, was also sickly from childhood and needed care. These scions of noble families were incredibly astute, and their attitudes towards him were completely different from Xue Yi's. Even if they gave him some face in public, behind their backs, on their very first day of school, someone wrote a charge of treason in red ink on Xue Yi's desk.
These children received the most renowned education of the Liang Dynasty. Their first lesson upon arriving at the Zhizhang Palace was to obey the monarch; any disobedience was punishable by death. Beyond death, there were other fabricated charges of immorality, used to frame isolated individuals. Treason was the most prominent and tangible stain on their reputation. In any dynasty, this charge could be used to frame a group. This charge perfectly elevates a specific individual, or even a group, to the level of being opposed to the entire nation and dynasty, thus exhibiting a uniquely historical asymmetry—an overwhelming, collective moral condemnation.
As a young boy, he experienced this difference between the individual and the group for the first time. Because of Xue Yi, these children became "outcasts." These children, who were originally the most educated, the most polite, and the most representative of human wisdom, were alienated by the doctrines. The strict doctrines they had been taught turned them into a kind of monster. They became people who would unleash a cruel instinct upon seeing "outcasts," and guided by the dogmas etched into their bones, they became murderers who abused their own kind.
For the first time, he realized he was different from the others, even though he was among the top students in the group, always the most noticeable. He should have been the one to follow the doctrine and join this scheme to oppose the nation and dynasty. But perhaps it was because he spent every day with Xue Yi, perhaps it was because he saw his mother caring for Xue Yi, perhaps it was the gentle legacy he inherited from his parents, that he realized there was a flaw in this collective moral condemnation. He couldn't help but ponder how to reconcile this collective will with his personal feelings.
As a young man, he was troubled by this, but only for a short time—perhaps the length of a single class? Not even a single class. He felt responsible for his conscience and realized he bore a difficult mission. Though he was still very small, he wanted to change his brother's fate.
His elder brother was a fragile aquatic plant, unsuited to its environment, always on the verge of collapse. His mission was to nurture this aquatic plant with the last vestiges of kindness in an environment created by the unconscious malice of people, allowing it to continue growing in the harsh conditions.
Occasionally, he would ponder the meaning of his actions, wondering if all his efforts would be in vain if he couldn't change the outcome. He couldn't grasp the meaning, only knowing that he couldn't look away from the aquatic plant. He realized he was trapped in a quagmire, and only by taking the plant and his brother away could he escape, even if it meant nothing in the present moment… Would anyone, centuries later, resonate with his reflections on the relationship between the current dynasty and the collective individual?
The so-called "choosing and yielding" refers to his personal efforts in a certain era to mitigate, weaken, or even eliminate the inevitable conflict between the collective national will and the individual, utilizing the rules within that conflict. Judging from the future he has now arrived at, it has clearly failed. Although every step he took was within his own strategic framework, calculating countless possible outcomes, perhaps his own predictions themselves became one of the conditions for a reversal of fate, and all the outcomes he predicted fell into chaos.
In his plan, he would help this aquatic plant escape its dark and damp environment, allowing this hollow plant... or someone who had suffered a long and severe blow and could be called a hollow person, to live a normal life in a warm environment. All his plans were based on his existing, imagined consciousness; in his view, this aquatic plant would eventually return to a normal human life.
Like a normal person, he married and had children as his older brother, able to abandon his original fate, and in this struggle against the entire environment... while still in this environment, he was able to adapt to it and slowly grow towards the sunlight.
He has already explained that this was entirely a figment of his imagination.
First, he gradually realized that this plant had become excessively dependent on him during its growth, neglecting the inherent morality and order. He attributed Xue Yi's peculiar feelings towards him to what could be described as a desire similar to romantic love, an emotion caused by prolonged disorder.
If a person lives in a disordered environment for a long time, completely opposite to the normal order of the surroundings, then his inner spiritual world will also fall into chaos, using the internal chaos to offset the external disorder of the environment.
His brother was lost in the chaos of the constantly collapsing external world, which was being rebuilt by everyone's efforts. Because he was the closest to his brother, his brother poured all the will to survive that arose from the chaos into him.
Continue read on readnovelmtl.com