0. A letter of apology (page 1/2)
First of all, I would like to sincerely apologize to everyone for the terrible updates in the past few months.
Regardless, as the author, this is my fault.
sorry.
In fact, I should have solemnly apologized to everyone two months ago, but at that time I always felt that I could overcome the illness.
I will resume updating as soon as I recover from my illness, and then apologize to everyone and explain the situation.
Everyone criticized me, but then they relented and gave me another chance, and sternly warned me to write well and not to be so arrogant again.
I said, "Thank you very much for your kindness, readers. I promise to work hard on writing every day in the future."
Then the matter turned happily.
Because I think everyone comes to read the book, there is really no need to accept the author's personal negative emotions.
Very disappointing.
But I think I overestimated myself a bit.
For several months, I have been suffering from somatic anxiety, including insomnia, rapid heart rate, anxiety, vomiting, stomach cramps, mental confusion, and difficulty breathing... I went to the hospital many times during this period, and at one point I thought I was about to die.
It even got to the point where I couldn't sleep without taking medicine and suffered from insomnia all night.
That sounds a bit scary.
Well... it's just scary.
It was so scary that when my friends and family in real life saw me, they all asked me what was wrong with me recently. My eyes looked dull and my face looked haggard and sick.
I lied and said I just didn't sleep well and concealed my illness.
Then, because I couldn't bear it anymore, I quit my job.
I haven't updated recently because I've been in a daze most of the time. It should be because of the medication I'm taking. I feel confused every day and get a headache when I think.
It even seems like I have lost the ability to write.
I watched helplessly as the number of readers, over a million, plummeted during my hiatus...
It's very uncomfortable.
I feel sorry for all the readers who have been following me all the way.
But sometimes it's really weird.
The more you care, the more you want to write a good book, the more you work hard and tense up to polish every plot, the more likely you are to mess everything up in the end.
Yes, all my relaxation and ease are fake.
Those little plots that inadvertently make you laugh, those witty humors that seem to be free-flowing, those scripture quotations that come to mind...all of them were written after I pondered over and polished them repeatedly in front of the computer document, and pushed myself to the point of collapse.
During the serialization period, I hardly had a good night's sleep. I often suffered from insomnia in the middle of the night and woke up repeatedly. Even my dreams were about the plot and the Four Books and Five Classics.
I tensed my nerves, pushing myself like a clockwork machine, and then with a snap I broke.
I don’t have a talent for writing, so I always tell myself to be more attentive.
(This chapter is not yet finished, please click on the next page to continue reading) 0. A Letter of Apology (Page 2/2)
But now I have stopped updating and I have lost my enthusiasm.
This made me feel confused, self-doubting, and abandoned. I even became a coward and didn't even dare to open the backstage...
I couldn’t write, and I felt anxious. I continued to be unable to write, and continued to feel anxious. My health was getting worse and worse, and I felt like I was stuck in a vicious cycle.
Until yesterday, I sat by the river in a daze for a long time, and suddenly a question came to my mind: Is it really so badly written?
uncertain.
How about... taking a look?
I gritted my teeth, bought a bottle of wine, and opened the book "I'll Let You Be a Book Boy and Help Your Young Master to Be the Number One in the Imperial Examination" as a reader.
From the title, to the copy, to starting to read the first chapter...
Memories began to return.
I recall the excitement I felt when I typed the title of the book on the document, the excitement I felt when I named the male protagonist "Cui Xian", the hope Cui Xian had in Hexi Village to "bring honor to the Cui family", the pride the Cui family felt when they moved out of Hexi Village, and the Four Great Talents of Nanyang...
It's amazing.
After reading it from beginning to end, I suddenly felt a lot calmer. I was able to sit down and concentrate on continuing to write.
In fact, at the beginning, this was a warm, relaxed and high-spirited story.
I enjoy the pleasure of the story unfolding.
So why would I push myself to this point?
It's even so outrageous that I need to take medicine every day to relieve it.
It's not worth it.
Xian Ge'er is only 14 years old.
He had not yet won the top spot in the imperial examination, nor had he reached a high position to realize his ambitions. His brilliant and ambitious life had just begun, and his legendary story had only just begun.
The effort I put into the story and what I wanted to say have not yet been fully interpreted.
So I have to keep writing.
No one can help me with my anxiety disorder.
Then I choose to save myself.
Write a vibrant story to warm myself up.
I hope it warms you too.
I previously came across some authors who would write live.
One is to ease the isolation brought by full-time work, and the other is to let readers supervise my writing. I also want to try it.
It seems that having readers supervise the typing can improve efficiency?
At least resume updates as soon as possible and don’t stop updating.
Starting from tomorrow, National Day, I'm going to give it a try. I'm not sure if it will work, but I don't want to give up.
Because a story always needs a beginning and an end, doesn't it?
Finally, I would like to apologize again to all the readers of this book.
I wish you all the best.
——Rizhao Maekawa, 2025/9/30
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