Chapter 94 I love him, but I have no right to love him.
A moment of silence followed.
Gu Fengyao spoke again: "Do you love him?"
"Fu Hanchuan, do you love him?"
Fu Hanchuan remained silent.
Gu Fengyao sighed silently and pressed on: "If you don't love him, if you don't want him to love you, why do you keep him by your side?"
"If you can't love him, you can find someone to protect him closely, or you can pick out a few reliable people for him. Why do you have to keep him by your side every day? He says he likes you, but you say he's disgusting. You want him to stay away from you, but you also want him to stay with you. You keep him by your side without any status or recognition."
“Fu Hanchuan.” Gu Fengyao took a deep breath. “If you’re saying you can’t find anyone to take care of him because he’s your most important friend, you can leave him with us.”
“Our families may not be as well off as yours, but the medical resources I have are definitely no worse than yours, and I can take good care of him.”
"Do you not want to let go, or are you unable to let go?"
Fu Hanchuan hung his head and replied after a long while, "I can't love him."
I am not worthy of loving him.
Gu Fengyao frowned, about to speak.
Fu Hanchuan lowered his head, his eyes empty and devoid of anything. "He should be with someone better. He shouldn't be involved with me. He deserves someone better to love him."
“You’re right. I can’t take care of the people around me. I can’t even keep a little rabbit alive, how can I take care of a living person? Maybe I shouldn’t have been greedy in the first place, shouldn’t have been so greedy as to try to keep him by my side…”
Maybe, as those people say, nothing good comes of getting involved with me.
A jinx.
madman.
What good could possibly come of it?
But I once wanted to drag him into the abyss and make him sink with me.
“I said a lot of hurtful things to him and did a lot of wrong things to him.” Fu Hanchuan spoke intermittently, slowly and heavily, without caring how Gu Fengyao would see it or how much he had heard, rambling on like he was talking to himself.
"I am not qualified to love him, not qualified to have his love, and not qualified to stay by his side."
“But I can’t let go. Too many people want to hurt him, even me.” Fu Hanchuan lowered his head, tightly clutching the blood-stained blanket in his hands. “I don’t know what to do, what should I do? I can’t let him go.”
“I should die, I should atone for my sins to him, but I can’t let him go. I always think, what if one day I’m gone and he gets hurt by someone else?”
“I know this is morbid, but I can’t put my mind at ease. I’m scared, and I don’t dare to admit it.”
"I think I'll just drag this out for the rest of my life, and live it in a daze. Maybe... perhaps one day I'll have the courage."
Each word spoken adds to the guilt.
Fu Hanchuan bent over completely, his voice choked with sobs and trembling with pain: "Until I saw him lying there, lying in blood, almost without a sound, he didn't even cry out in pain, he could barely utter a word."
"He held my hand the whole time, saying he was cold and he wanted to go home."
“They were examining him, and he kept looking for me, kept looking at me. He was trembling with pain, but he didn’t utter a sound of pain. He just looked at me like that, just kept looking at me.” Fu Hanchuan choked up, “It was like the last time I saw him.”
"The doctor saw that he was awake and kept asking him questions in his ear, but he didn't answer a single one. He just held my hand and asked me to take him home over and over again."
Fu Hanchuan closed his eyes, his shoulders trembling uncontrollably, his voice hoarse to the point of almost crying: "The doctor gave him painkillers, but he's still shaking. It hurts so much. He's such a pain-averse person, he should have given up long ago. He should have lost consciousness long ago."
Why am I so timid?
"Isn't it enough for me to admit that I love him?"
“He loves me so much, I know that. He just wants me to love him. He did nothing wrong. He’s just stubborn. If you don’t say you love him, he’ll never see love. I know that.”
"So I stayed by his side as a friend, taking from him like crazy. I thought it wouldn't be bad to live like this forever. Why should I be so cowardly? If he died at home without ever hearing me say I love him before he died, how painful would that be for him?"
"He did nothing wrong."
"It's just that I'm too cowardly, and I'm too despicable."
"I'm too cowardly to admit that I love him, and I'm despicable to want to keep him by my side."
Fu Hanchuan lowered his head completely, letting tears well up in his eyes. His voice was very soft, like a murmur in a dream: "I'm no longer in that nightmare."
"But I see him as a nightmare."
I've fallen in love with nightmares.
Raindrops mixed with snowflakes splashed down outside the window, completely drowning out Fu Hanchuan's almost soliloquy.
"I was so wrong."
The pain of being trapped in one's own web.
He deserved it.
He admitted it.
After a long silence.
Gu Fengyao sighed: "Then go make it up to him. You still have time, don't do anything you'll regret."
Fu Hanchuan did not answer.
————
The back entrance of the hospital.
A man in a dark overcoat slowly walked towards the gate.
The people around him seemed not to see him, each going about their own business.
Jun Changmo stopped in front of the back door, and the moment he raised his hand, an invisible barrier separated him from the hospital.
Jun Changmo smiled faintly, and the dark shadow beneath his feet crept into the hospital through the cracks in the wall until it was completely inside.
The wall formed by the convergence of energy shattered instantly.
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