Chapter 124 Go back to your doghouse
Lin Tian held Ji Beichi in his arms, buried his face in the crook of Ji Beichi's neck, and spoke in a low voice.
"I don't like to show sadness on my face. I'm the same as you. No matter if I feel sad or unhappy, even if I show it, no one will feel sorry for me.
"In the past, once I showed that I was sad, they would just laugh even happier and get more excited. My sadness was like a stimulant to them. Only if I pretended that I didn't care would they find it boring and stop bullying me."
He paused and continued.
"Over time, I no longer felt sad. I could only learn to laugh like them, that evil laugh.
I grew up watching them, and I don’t know how to act any other way.
I'm not very good at it. I'm just pretending. Don't you believe me? ”
Ji Beichi stopped what he was doing. His heart felt like it was hit by a heavy hammer, causing a slight pain and a feeling of sourness.
He turned slightly and looked at Lin Tian:
"So, that playful look you gave me before wasn't intentional?"
Lin Tian nodded honestly.
Ji Beichi felt so distressed that he held the backpack tightly in his hand and asked again:
"Do vampires also have such a hard time? What kind of life did you lead before? Why did they bully you?"
Lin Tian just smiled faintly:
"Let's not talk about this."
Ji Beichi pursed his lips into a line, feeling a little disappointed:
"Why don't you want to tell me anything?"
Lin Tian chuckled and pinched Ji Beichi's waist with his big hand:
"It's all in the past. Even if I tell you, you won't be able to relate to me. On the contrary, it makes me unhappy to have another person following me."
Ji Beichi shuddered. He knew very well that speaking it out might make him feel better, but bringing up the past would inevitably open up the scars that had not yet healed.
He turned around, picked up his phone and checked the time:
"I have to go now. You can pack up and leave in a while. I have prepared all your things for you, including your clothes. They are in the closet."
After saying that, he was about to leave, but found that his waist was still tightly held by Lin Tian.
Ji Beichi couldn't move. He frowned and tilted his head to look at the head resting on his shoulder:
"I have to go back to class."
Lin Tian whispered in his ear:
"Ji Beichi, are you still going to treat me coldly? It's not that I don't feel bad, it's just that I can't show the feeling you want. What I'm saying now is the truth, but you still don't believe it?"
His warm breath gently brushed Ji Beichi's ears.
This made Ji Beichi shrink his neck.
I felt conflicted.
Although he already believed Lin Tian's words in his heart, Lin Tian had tortured him so deliberately before just to make him like him more.
If he doesn't get some "justice", he will feel very aggrieved and unable to let it go immediately.
Ji Beichi took a deep breath and blurted out the words that had been suppressed in his heart for a long time:
"I'm still angry now, let's talk about it later, okay?
You treated me so harshly before, it's impossible for me to forgive you immediately or calm down just because you said you couldn't show that you were upset.
I never had any grudge against you before, but your behavior before was like treating an enemy to me.
Even though you are nice to me sometimes, there is always a hint of teasing in your words. You deliberately bully me and make fun of me.
If our roles were reversed, you would be in my position.
How would you feel?
I still remember you said that I took the initiative to pounce on you and kissed you forcefully. Then you asked me if I was willing, and I agreed.
But, I'm sorry, I really have no memory of forcibly kissing you. I don't know why I forced the kiss on you, but it must have something to do with drugs.
I was unconscious at the time, and perhaps I did kiss you on purpose.
But I was totally unconscious at that time, and you still did those things to me.
Later, you took it upon yourself to treat me as your property, like a pet, and violated me whenever you wanted. You also went to different places to harass and violate me, and you treated me however you wanted.
If you were me, what would you think and what would you do?
Would you easily forgive someone who forces you, bullies you, and schemes against your feelings?
I'm being merciful by not beating you now, that's because I still like you very much.
But this love is not enough for me to completely forgive you now. Could you please give me some time to slow down? ”
Having said this, he paused, lowered his head, looked at the backpack in his hand, tightly gripped the bag, and the veins on the back of his hand bulged.
The body trembled slightly.
The voice also began to tremble.
"I think maybe I am also a psychopath, I am also a lunatic, that's why I fall in love with a lunatic like you.
I am very tired now and feel an indescribable discomfort.
From the time I met you until now, my nerves have been on edge. I am afraid of you, but at the same time I can't help but love you more and more.
Even though we had happy times when we were together later, I was unhappy most of the time. I always felt blocked in my heart, stuffy, extremely depressed, and as if I couldn't breathe.
If this continues, I'm really scared that I'll have suicidal thoughts again.
Lin Tian, I have a younger sister, I am not alone. I am afraid of death, but I still want to live well.
Can you please stop calculating my feelings? I like you. It’s not that I don’t like you or don’t want to be with you, but if you want me to forgive you now, I need time. I need to slowly get used to you. ”
Talking and talking.
Ji Beichi's eyes became redder and redder, tears welled up in his eyes and could burst out at any time.
He exhaled and pushed back his tears:
“Lin Tian, everything was wrong from the moment we first met.
In your eyes, bullying others at will may be just a trivial matter not worth mentioning, but have you ever thought that this is very painful for me. ”
After a few seconds' pause, he continued.
"If you've ever been bullied, you know how miserable I am.
From the moment you violated me, every day has been a torment for me, and I haven't felt for a single moment that this is anything to be happy about.
You planned carefully and made me fall in love with you step by step.
Did you really consider my feelings when you did all this?
Or, you know that this is wrong, but you can't control yourself at all, and just want to bully me and get pleasure from trampling on my dignity? ”
"The more you act recklessly and cross my limit, the further the distance between us will grow.
Our love has become deformed to the point of being almost perverted. I can no longer stand this abnormal relationship. I hope that you and I can have a normal and healthy relationship. ”
Ji Beichi's voice slowed down a bit.
"Lin Tian, let's calm down for a while. Think carefully about what you really want.
Stop bullying me.
You like me, so wouldn’t you feel bad too when you see me so sad?
If you really want to be with me.
We should understand that we are not superiors and subordinates, nor are we masters and toys.
Stepping on others and forcing them to submit to you is never something to be proud of or happy about.
Maybe you have always known what I am saying, and you know exactly what you are doing.
Lin Tian, don’t be so childish. Let’s both be more mature, okay?
If you like me, don't torture me and yourself in this way.
I'm already trying to change myself, can you change for me too? ”
Lin Tian listened quietly, slowly let go of Ji Beichi, and said nothing more.
Ji Beichi also lowered his head and did not look at Lin Tian. He did not want to look at Lin Tian, nor did he dare to look at Lin Tian. He knew that these words might be a little difficult for Lin Tian to accept at first, but he had to make it clear.
He silently put on his backpack, turned around, and said softly:
"Everything you need is in the basement. Once you're done packing, leave quickly. This isn't a good place to stay for a long time. It'll be very uncomfortable. I'm in a hurry, so I'll leave first."
"Yeah." Lin Tian responded softly.
Lin Tian pursed his lips, raised his eyelids, and looked at Ji Beichi's departing back until his figure slowly disappeared from his sight.
He lowered his eyes, and his thick eyelashes covered his eyes, making it impossible to see his expression at the moment.
after.
Lin Tian quietly returned to the bed, lay down, pulled the quilt over himself, and slowly closed his eyes.
*
In a dream.
In early winter, the wind is biting cold.
On a night with thunder and lightning and heavy rain.
A skinny little boy huddled in a narrow, dark and dirty doghouse.
He has pink hair and a delicate face.
His face looked a little pale because he had not consumed blood for a long time.
He was wearing thin, tattered clothes.
The little boy, who looked no more than three or four years old, was curled up in a doghouse with a big black dog beside him.
The big dog also curled up its body, holding the little boy in its arms, gently resting its paws on him and patting him from time to time.
Seems to be lulling him to sleep.
The raindrops fell on the ground, the noisy rain and deafening thunder intertwined.
The pink-haired boy was startled by the noise and slowly opened his eyes.
His eyes were red, but a little dull.
He slowly raised his head and looked outside through the dog hole, his eyes full of anxiety and fatigue.
If this rain continues.
He and the big dog's "home" will soon be flooded.
Then he and the big dog would be left without a home.
Noticing the little boy's movement, the big black dog slowly opened its eyes.
As if afraid that the little boy would be cold, the big dog wrapped most of his body with its tail.
The little boy poked his head out, pointed outside the dog hole, and said weakly to the big dog:
"Dog, the water outside is seeping in, let's go to another place."
The black dog barked to show his agreement.
So the big black dog and the little boy crawled out of the doghouse and ran away.
However, just as they were about to run under a roof, a group of boys who looked seven or eight years old appeared.
They stood under the eaves, holding stones in their hands, throwing them at the pink-haired boy and the big black dog, while shouting:
"Get away from here, you rubbish, waste, filthy dog. Your mother is a bitch, a mistress, a bed-climbing dog. You are also a piece of trash that no one wants. Don't come here. Go back to your doghouse!"
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