Chapter 136 Sorry
Lin Tian stroked Ji Beichi's thin face bit by bit.
Hold the person in your arms.
Ji Beichi was stunned.
What a real hug.
It doesn't seem cold at all.
Lin Tian patted his back gently and whispered:
"Ji Beichi, this is all real. I'm not dreaming. I'm awake. I'm not your illusion. Don't be afraid."
Ji Beichi raised his hand and wiped away his tears, took a deep breath, as if to confirm the authenticity of all this, and pinched his arm.
When the pain came, his body couldn't help but tremble.
He hugged Lin Tian tightly, his voice was a little dull, a little at a loss, not knowing what to say:
"It's good that you woke up..."
The two of them hugged each other across the bathtub.
Time seemed to stand still.
The only sound around them was each other's heartbeats.
It lasted for a very long time, so long that Ji Beichi's body became numb.
Lin Tian let go of his waist, but then carried him into the bathtub again.
The water in the bathtub had cooled considerably by this time.
He reached out and turned on the hot water beside him, letting the water temperature rise slowly.
Ji Beichi just looked at him quietly.
Her eyes never left him for a moment, watching his every move without saying a word.
After Lin Tian finished doing all this, he raised his eyes and met Ji Beichi's gaze.
He moved a few times.
Slowly approaching Ji Beichi.
A kiss gently fell on Ji Beichi's forehead, as light as a dragonfly touching the water.
Ji Beichi blinked slightly, his eyelashes trembling, and stared at Lin Tian.
Lin Tian held his cheeks and wiped away the remaining tears from the corners of his eyes, his expression more serious than ever before.
He thought about it for a long time.
Since Ji Beichi asked him to calm down and think about it carefully.
This time he also wanted to tell the truth to Ji Beichi and tell him what he was thinking before.
"Ji Beichi, I'm sorry. Although I have apologized to you before, I still want to say sorry to you again."
He paused and continued:
"At first I was just greedy for your blood and just liked your body.
Just treating you like a slave, I bullied you just like the same group of people who bullied me, and I became a bully like them.
I know this is wrong.
But I still did it and hurt you like that, I'm sorry.
During those days when I bullied you, I actually had feelings for you.
I was very happy when you gave me the red string and wished me a happy birthday.
I actually don't know when my birthday is.
My mother was locked up after she gave birth to me.
And I was thrown to a dog to be raised.
Later, when I was three years old, my mother passed away.
I have never met her, and except her, no one else will tell me when my birthday is.
In that world, no one cared about me, no one remembered my birthday, and no one ever told me when I was born. In their eyes, my status was lower than that of a dog.
I lied to you, my birthday was on that day, but I wished my birthday was on that day, because that was the day my heart was moved by you. I did like you, but I blocked it all.
I know you are not completely attracted to me and not completely in love with me, so I won't give you any real love. I just take pleasure in teasing you.
Like you said, I was childish and over the top.
Because no one taught me how to be a good person, I only knew how to become a bad person, and I became like the people who bullied me.
I am bad at heart, and I am twisted.
Like you, I also feel very tired when I am bullied and have thought about suicide. However, my life is not mine. It was given to me by my mother. I cannot treat the life my mother gave me casually. I still want to live.
I hate myself. I don't like myself this way. Every day I feel like I have no motivation to live.
Apart from bullying others, I can no longer seem to find the meaning of my existence in this world.
I know in my heart that this is by no means a legitimate reason for me to bully you. I just want to tell you that I don't want to bully you or play with your feelings. But it is really difficult for me to control myself. Seeing you in pain gives me an almost perverted and twisted pleasure. ”
When Ji Beichi heard this, he felt as if his heart was being strangled, and a suffocating pain swept through his whole body.
Looking at him with eyes full of heartache.
Just wanted to speak.
Lin Tian smiled and covered his mouth.
"Just listen to what I have to say."
He pursed his lips, stroked Ji Beichi's cheek with his big hand, and then said:
"The reason I ignored you last time was actually because I was unhappy too.
Your attitude makes me feel that I may not be that important in your heart.
Even though I know that you have a crush on me and that you are attracted to me, and that you care about me, your attitude makes me a little unhappy.
I am very childish. If you don't want me and don't like to be intimate with me, I will be angry and sad. Although I am a vampire, I also have a heart. I am not cold-blooded. I am different from the vampire you think I am.
That feeling of being anxious and worried.
For some unknown reason, I chose to leave on purpose.
Deliberately giving you the cold shoulder and deliberately making you angry.
I knew that doing this would hurt you, but I was still dominated by that inexplicable emotion.
I know very well in my heart that as long as I do this, you will come to me on your own initiative. I even naively take this as proof that you care about me. ”
"As time goes by, I see you becoming more and more cautious and humble in this relationship. You are completely different from the proud and confident you I first knew."
"At that time, I began to feel that perhaps the way we were getting along had changed. Seeing you being bullied by me became more and more pitiful. Teasing you no longer made me happy, and even made me feel bored. I hated the way you looked so humble.
Since then, I have become less and less willing to pay attention to you, and my attitude towards you has become worse and worse.
You came to me on your own initiative and were willing to let me bully you, so I took the opportunity to have sex with you, letting you see a worse side of me and making you hate me.
I hope you can leave me and never come to me again. I hope you can go back to the way you were before. I hope our relationship ends here. ”
"I thought our relationship would really end like this, but when you really thought you might leave me, I realized that I simply couldn't accept a life without you.
I gradually realized that I have actually long been accustomed to having you around. I like your blood, your body, and you as a person. To me, you are no longer just a simple slave.
I found that you don't want to give up on me either.
We both don't want to leave each other.
This gave me hope to start over. I thought, maybe we can go back to the beginning and be together well. I need you very much. ”
“After that, you were hot and cold towards me. I understood that you were taking revenge on me, and I accepted your revenge.
I know you are angry and I know you want me to coax you, so I coax you and gradually cooperate with you. I hope that after you have taken your revenge, you will be able to calm down. ”
After Lin Tian finished speaking, he paused for a long time, looked into Ji Beichi's eyes, and continued:
“I seem to be very aware of how excessive and bad my previous actions were.
I know you feel bad too.
But in reality.
At the time, I didn't really realize how serious the matter was, and I had no idea how much psychological trauma my behavior had caused you.
I have no idea at all what kind of pain you went through when you were with me, and I have no idea to what extent this pain and suffering reached. ”
"Even when you revealed your suicide attempt, I could only roughly understand it at the time. I thought it might be your self-esteem that was playing tricks on you. You were afraid that other people would know about it and that you would be discriminated against, excluded and blamed.
However, I still cannot truly understand the source of your inner discomfort.
After all, I am in the position of the perpetrator, and I cannot truly empathize with the harm you have suffered.
And in my heart, in my eyes, you are like my slave, and bullying you has become the most natural thing for me.
I thought at the time that what I did to you was perfectly normal, and it didn't make you lose any limbs.
I don't think there's anything shameful about this, so I don't understand why you would want to kill yourself over something like this. ”
"It was not until I heard you speak those sincere words from your heart and dissected the matter, and I tried to put myself in your perspective and look at the whole thing, trying to understand your thoughts and feelings, that I gradually realized how disgusting my behavior was."
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