Chapter 18 Besides the shackles of bloodline…
The provincial capital, No. 2 Middle School.
The bell rang, signaling the end of class. The teacher hadn't left yet, but the classroom was already incredibly noisy. Li Jiacong rubbed his eyes in his seat. In the few days since he returned, he hadn't stopped playing games non-stop. During this time, his father had given him several lectures on morality, and his mother had taken him to flute practice. He was exhausted from sneaking in playtime amidst his busy schedule. And when school started again, it was still the same familiar faces.
Qian He, sitting in the front seat, turned around and asked, "Hey, where did you go for summer vacation? You didn't come to summer school?"
Li Jiacong: "I was exiled to the frontier, to my grandfather's place, in the countryside."
"Oh, you're rebelling now? That's quite courageous."
"Resist? If I could get away with it by giving in to my dad, I'd kowtow to him a hundred times."
Qian He laughed: "I haven't seen you all holiday. I thought you moved or transferred schools."
"Hey buddy, you still remember me."
"Tell me, are there any girls in the village? How does that song go—'There's a girl in the village named Xiaofang, beautiful and kind, with a pair of beautiful...'"
"Get lost!" Li Jiacong chuckled. "Can't you ever stop thinking about girls?"
"Of course you can't leave, don't you? Didn't you spare any affection to heal your heart after being dumped?"
Li Jiacong denied it: "No! I met someone about my age there."
He suddenly thought of Li Sheng, and the first image that came to mind was his thin, naked body and his eyes with thick eyelashes and pupils that were indistinct.
Li Jiacong: "..."
Qian He said with ill intent, "Oh! There still is!"
“It’s a man!” Li Jiacong roared back.
Now he has returned to his "reality". Looking back, he and Li Sheng actually did the things he originally wanted to do with girls. Those naive ideas were put to the test in this person.
This will be a secret forever. He felt guilty and didn't dare to answer, so he changed the subject: "...Treatment my ass, I've completely forgotten about it. I'm miserable enough, so many people are dating, and they only pick on me. At our age, in my grandpa's area, we're all at the age to get married and have kids. There are no young women, only young wives."
Qian He: "Okay, I mainly want to have a chat with you."
According to their usual way of speaking, this exchange was definitely not a proper one. Li Jiacong immediately understood: "Don't even mention it, I'm completely blind. My dad gave me a beating. Do you think I still have anything left? Now all I can think about is studying."
"Damn! It's all gone, fine," Qian He said, "Are you celibate now?"
"Almost there. The college entrance exam's coming up, bro!"
"It won't take any time. I met a few girls at my tutoring class during the holiday. I'll introduce them to you later."
Li Jiacong narrowed his eyes: "You're that kind of person?"
Qian He clicked his tongue: "That's perfect."
Buzz—the bell rang.
Li Jiacong glanced at the Chinese teacher who walked in, quickly sat up, and Qian He, with his eyes wide open, asked, "So? Do you need it?"
Li Jiacong waved his hand: "Let's talk about it later."
On the first night after Li Jiacong left, Li Sheng opened his schoolbag, intending to write a letter to him. However, as he put pen to paper, he suddenly became lost in thought.
He didn't know what to say. He and Li Jiacong didn't have much to talk about, and he rarely encountered the things Jiacong mentioned. The pen hovered over the paper for a long time before finally being put down.
The perpetual calendar was torn page by page by time. It was half a month later when Li Sheng sat down at the small table again to pick up his pen. Jia Cong must have started school by then, and probably had almost forgotten about him.
The person on the other end of the letter suddenly seemed like a complete stranger, someone he had once been intimate with. What happened between him and Li Jiacong that summer was an unspoken secret between them, something they could never mention again.
He could only awkwardly offer polite greetings:
Jia Cong:
How have you been lately? Senior year must be getting really intense, I hope you get good grades.
Although it's not far, everyone says it gets colder there earlier. After the autumn rains, I don't know how the weather is where you are, but it's still quite hot here at midday.
You love playing games, you must have played for a long time when you got back, remember to conserve your eyesight.
Li Ai has been coming to visit me lately, asking me to play a card-flying game with her. She says you have to hit something on a cabinet far away with a card. I've practiced for a long time, but I still can't do it.
Later, Li Ai asked me to help her catch butterflies. I told her that eating the powder on the butterflies would make her mute, so she stopped catching them. Sometimes she would ask me to braid her hair, and she always wanted to ride my sheep.
Also, the songs on the tape you gave me are all very good, I've listened to them all, and I really like Faye Wong's "The Edge of Love and Pain".
Finally, I wish you a happy Mid-Autumn Festival in advance.
Signed: Li Sheng.
He couldn't write any more. Li Sheng was very disappointed with what he had written, so he tore it up and rewrote it, but it was still the same words, only the handwriting was neater.
He sighed, sealed the letter, wrote the address on the envelope, and affixed a stamp. He'd mail it tomorrow. He turned on his Walkman and started listening to music.
A sliver of sunset shone through the small window, casting a warm glow on the envelope beside him. Li Sheng turned to look out, his eyes reflecting the mottled, scale-like fiery clouds. A small cross sat right in the center of his pupil.
The setting sun streamed across the church spire.
The song "On the Edge of Love and Pain" happened to be playing in my headphones.
Love is like raindrops, seemingly broken but hard to sever.
The more I think about it, the more confused I become.
Unfortunately, my heart struggles to discern the truth.
…
"Saying goodbye and waiting again, but things didn't go as planned..." Li Sheng sang along silently. After a pause, he slowly stood up, took a deep breath, and for a moment, the smells of decay, grass, and soap filled his nostrils.
These scents had seeped into his skin, seeped into his bones, into his fragile roots, into his lonely home. And this little house was already too small for him; the narrow door could barely contain his thin, youthful back.
Forever on the edge of love and pain
How should I decide to choose?
Even if I meet you
It is still my wish
…
Li Sheng clenched his fists, as if he had made up his mind, and walked out the door.
…
Li Sheng walked to the church.
He didn't come to church often because Father Qin was always overly enthusiastic towards him. Father Qin meant well; he believed that forgiveness, love, and atonement were the only things that could save and guide Li Sheng. However, Li Sheng was always silent, and although he had been invited to worship several times, Li Sheng had only verbally agreed. Therefore, when he appeared before the priest on his own initiative, Father Qin was very surprised and delighted.
In a small room next to the church—Father Qin's residence—the room was filled with icons. Li Shengmao arrived abruptly, sat awkwardly on the kang (a heated brick bed), and said he wanted to chat with him. Father Qin gave him his usual kind smile.
“Father Qin, I…” Li Sheng hesitated before speaking, but the words were harder to utter than he had imagined.
Li Sheng thought that he probably came to this place to talk to Father Qin because he had too many people to talk to and communicate with.
Father Qin poured him some water: "Don't rush, tell me slowly."
Li Shengping calmed himself down and said, "I want to leave here."
Where do you want to go?
"Go to the provincial capital."
Father Qin felt a pang of regret. Many rural youths were migrating to the cities, and his preaching of the Holy Word was gradually losing its fresh blood. Before he could speak, Li Sheng interrupted, "But when my grandfather was alive, he told me that he was worried that I would change after meeting some people outside. He hoped that I would stay in Shiqiao."
"It will change?" The priest didn't quite understand.
“Grandpa said,” Li Sheng said with difficulty, “that my dad went out and met some people, and then…maybe I shouldn’t have done that.”
Father Qin understood and patted him on the shoulder: "You have kindness in your heart. You are not like him, nor like those who are not steadfast."
Perhaps due to his professional habits, Father Qin spoke with a strong sense of translation, as if he were delivering a mass.
"If you have good intentions in your heart, you will not go astray. First, you must accept yourself."
Li Sheng: "Kindness, acceptance..."
Father Qin: "Yes. You have a repentant and humble heart; you are a good child."
Li Sheng: "I...maybe I'm not..."
Father Qin continued to comfort him: "Of course, no one goes through life without having any dark thoughts. You've done very well, that's how I see you. You've taken good care of Grandpa, you're kind to everyone, and you're atoning for your father's sins. Go out there. If you want to leave, I support you. After all, the countryside will always remain the same."
Support. He received... support. In an instant, he felt closer to Father Qin, and the secret he couldn't hold back any longer wanted to be revealed.
Father Qin's gaze was kind, anticipating his next words.
Li Sheng took a deep breath, mustered his courage, and said, "Father, I like someone..."
Father Qin was taken aback.
"Perhaps it was after I fell in love with him that I wanted to leave this place."
Father Qin: "Are you going to find that person?"
Li Sheng nodded: "But I know that liking him... is wrong, I shouldn't like him."
Father Qin suddenly realized this was just a minor issue for a boy in the throes of teenage love, but it still needed some proper guidance. He adopted a more relaxed tone: "If she's willing, she can go. There's nothing wrong with liking someone, and even less wrong with loving someone. But you have to truly treat her well, give her what she wants—what kind of person is she? Does she know about your family situation?"
“I know, he didn’t say anything,” that many people minded, but Jia Cong never distanced himself from him because of it. Even so, they were only close for a short time. As soon as Jia Cong left, they were worlds apart, like heaven and hell.
Li Sheng ran his hands through his hair: "He and I are completely different kinds of people. Two different identities, two different statuses. We are probably not a good match. If I go to him, he might find it troublesome. I'm afraid he'll get tired of me."
Father Qin smiled: "Does she sound very outstanding? Does it make you feel inferior? Don't worry..."
Li Sheng interrupted him, hesitatingly saying, "No... I don't know either."
Father Qin didn't understand either, and could only summarize it with the verses from the Mass: "Where your heart is, there your wealth will be."
Li Sheng nodded, seemingly understanding but not quite.
It was already night when he left the church, and Father Qin's words had brought him some comfort. However, there were some things he hadn't said, and this filled him with guilt. Only he knew that he had lied to Father Qin—
For example, he likes that person because they are a man, a guy who has dated girls before. For example, his relationship with that person is not platonic; they have violated each other. For example, he knows it's wrong, but he still keeps making the same mistake.
Aside from the shackles of his bloodline, this was his "original sin."
A note from the author:
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