Chapter 39 The Cross Carried on One's Back, This...
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When Li Jiacong drove home, he was in a daze. He went into his room, took out the cross necklace from the drawer. He had taken it from his parents' house last time, intending to keep it with him, but the car accident had damaged the box and left a scratch on the cross.
He clutched the cross in his palm, leaving obvious marks. There were no tears, only a restless, rapid heartbeat, similar to the night he parted with Li Sheng—it was still the height of summer, yet he felt utterly cold.
The cross he carried wasn't the salvation he imagined. Li Sheng lived a normal life; it was he who was abnormal. He was also the one who couldn't escape it. Li Sheng's initial rejection was the right thing to do.
His phone rang several times, but he didn't check it. He opened the refrigerator, took out a beer, and started chugging down the foamy beer. Soon after, Li Jiacong was slumped on the sofa, completely drunk.
When Li Jiacong regained consciousness, he heard someone open the door. From the shadows and the voices, he recognized his parents.
Li Mingda blatantly turned on the light. Seeing his appearance and the empty bottles on the floor, he began to hurl insults. A string of profanities flowed from his mouth. Chen Wen asked with concern, "Son, what's wrong? Why did you drink so much?"
Li Mingda looked at Li Jiacong with disdain: "You degenerate! How the hell did I raise such a piece of trash like you! Going out on blind dates? Don't embarrass me!"
Li Jiacong, who was on the sofa, suddenly chuckled. This infuriated Li Mingda, who grabbed Li Jiacong and pulled him up, yelling, "How dare you laugh like that?"
Although Li Mingda was nearly sixty, he was still taller and stronger than Li Jiacong. With a sweeping motion, he slapped Li Jiacong across the face without hesitation. Li Jiacong felt a metallic taste in his throat and said, "Dad, haven't you driven many people to their deaths?"
Li Mingda pointed at him: "What the hell did you say?"
Li Jiacong said, "You've almost driven your own son to his death, let alone others, right? You've driven quite a few people to their deaths, those who would have nothing without the mine."
Li Mingda: "Don't give me that old, trivial talk. All the money I've earned is for supporting you and getting you medical treatment!"
Li Jiacong laughed loudly. Chen Wen sensed something was wrong, separated the father and son, and told Li Jiacong to go wash his face. Li Jiacong sat there motionless, staring blankly at his parents, and said with a smile, "Mom and Dad, how did you manage to act so well?"
"What did you say?"
Then, fueled by the alcohol, he became slurred and his speech sounded like incoherent ramblings.
“I’m gay. I knew that when I was a teenager, right? Li Sheng and I, didn’t we both know? Forgot? You guys took me through all sorts of treatments to make me normal, but I still like Li Sheng!”
Chen Wen looked at him in shock: "You contacted him again? He's trying to seduce you again!"
Li Mingda was about to hit him again, but Li Jiacong didn't dodge and continued, "Mom, what does this have to do with him! It's your son, I was born this way, and you're all pretending I've been cured!"
Li Mingda: "You enjoy a life that others can't, and you like men? Do you want everyone to criticize me? That's selfish!"
Li Jiacong felt as if his heart had been ripped open. Thinking about it carefully, he actually realized there was some truth to it. Li Jiacong was both amused and exasperated: "I'd almost forgotten! I'm so selfish! Yes, I'm so selfish that I shouldn't pretend to be a cured, normal person in front of you. Mom and Dad, I like Li Sheng. I'm so selfish that I should pester Li Sheng and make him become an abnormal person with me! I should go find him!"
Li Jiacong's tears flowed unexpectedly.
"But I can't find him anymore, I love him!!!"
For love is more devout than anything else; love is selfless.
-
Li Nuo was doing her homework at a small table in the living room. In the bedroom, Huang Yin was making the bed, and Li Sheng was helping her by taking a pillow out of the closet.
Huang Yin found a lighter on the bedside table. It was a high-end lighter with a metal casing, not the kind Li Sheng usually used.
Huang Yin picked up the lighter and handed it to Li Sheng: "His?"
She brushed a stray hair from her forehead and asked, "How did you manage to get in touch?"
Li Sheng: "He found me."
Huang Yin: "You and he haven't seen each other for many years, have you...?"
She hesitated, then closed the bedroom door and said softly, "Go find him. He just left like that; explain it to him."
"Explain what?"
"Explain about me and you, explain that Li Nuo isn't yours..."
Li Sheng looked up at Huang Yin and said, "Li Nuo is my son."
Huang Yin pursed her lips and smiled faintly.
That year, she and Li Sheng left the provincial capital and took a train to a foreign land. Two weeks later, Jiang Ge's situation came to their attention; after police intervention, Li Sheng was ordered to pay for medical expenses.
They rented a room there and found jobs. To repay the debt, he and Huang Yin worked hard. Huang Yin's belly grew bigger day by day, and she decided to keep the baby.
Huang Yin felt terrified of this world. The unfamiliar city and the unfamiliar people left her with a very bad impression. Men were unreliable, and Li Sheng was her only straw. They were so similar, and she thought they were "match made in heaven." She would live like this and form a family with Li Sheng.
She told Li Sheng that she wanted to have the baby. Li Sheng didn't offer any opinion on whether to keep the baby or not, but simply nodded and promised her, "If you want it, I will take care of you."
In that instant, Huang Yin found immense happiness in Li Sheng. She could never quite read the nuances of Li Sheng's expression; all the light was captured in his dark eyes. He was unexpressed, yet reliable and dependable.
Huang Yin knew that he stayed not out of "love" for her, but because of his gentleness and kindness.
Over the years, Huang Yin never worried that Li Sheng would leave them, until Li Jiacong reappeared.
Huang Yin placed her hand on Li Sheng's shoulder and rubbed it, saying, "You've worked so hard. Li Nuo has grown up, so you don't need to worry about her anymore. Everything's alright now."
Li Sheng patted Huang Yin's hand: "You've worked hard too."
Huang Yin gave an awkward laugh, but Li Sheng didn't understand what she meant: "I said, go find him."
Li Sheng paused for a moment, smiled dejectedly, and shook his head.
Over the years, he lived a seemingly complete life. He had a job and a family. Although the family was pieced together, it provided shelter from the wind and rain. With Li Nuo, the family seemed so complete and realistic.
Li Jiacong was a grain of sand, sharp and angular, buried deep in his heart, impossible to remove. It should have been polished into a pearl, but unfortunately, it didn't. Sometimes, when he opened his heart to look inside, not only had the pearl failed to form, but the grain of sand had rotted, gradually developing into an unseen festering sore.
When they met again, Li Jiacong's initiative left him confused and infatuated. He couldn't tell whether he was glad they met or glad they separated.
He felt heartbroken for the wounds Li Jiacong had suffered, but he couldn't defend himself anymore, explaining that his relationship with Huang Yin was fake, but Li Nuo wasn't. Li Nuo was the child he had raised, his child. He and Huang Yin were a respectful couple in everyone's eyes, and Li Nuo's beloved parents. He couldn't abandon them to pursue his and Li Jiacong's happiness. He said, "We've been together for fourteen years, haven't we? These fourteen years of life haven't been a misunderstanding."
Huang Yin: "But you just can't let him go, right?"
Li Sheng blinked, a hint of guilt flashing across his eyes.
Huang Yin said, "He actually..."
Before she could finish speaking, the bedroom door was pushed open, and Li Nuo said, "Dad, Mom, I'm hungry!"
Li Sheng replied, "Then I'll cook you something." He then went out.
Huang Yin looked at Li Sheng's phone on the bed, opened it, and wrote down Li Jiacong's number.
***2002
Fireworks burst one after another.
The dazzling beauty vanished in an instant. Li Jiacong walked back through the snow, stopping several times along the way. It wasn't until he entered his home and was enveloped by the warmth of the heater that he seemed to realize what had happened.
He sat blankly on the sofa.
Li Sheng is leaving. He didn't ask where he was going. In this small city, thinking about all this, Li Jiacong's heart was filled with indescribable emotions.
Suddenly a question popped into his mind—what does Li Sheng mean to you?
Like a wake-up call, it jolted him awake the moment he lost Li Sheng. He began to feel an emptiness somewhere inside.
Once he realized the separation, memories came knocking, forcing him to relive them and delete them. Scene after scene, he belatedly felt a strong sense of reluctance to part.
— Li Sheng is the person he truly loves.
He finally understood how to let go and only see Li Sheng, and see his quiet yet tireless affection for him. He was also moved by him; otherwise, why would he have suffered so much during this period?
The hairs on his back stood on end in alarm. If Li Sheng really was gone, he would never see Li Sheng again. Li Sheng would never appear in his life again, and he would never wait for him again.
At home, they were making dumplings and watching the Spring Festival Gala rebroadcast with great enthusiasm. The skits were funny, Grandma was laughing, and Mom and Dad were chatting. Li Sheng parted ways with them, only to find himself in a cold and desolate place.
Li Jiacong suddenly felt uneasy. We'd parted ways just like that? Surely not. He panicked; it felt like he'd just handed in an important exam and was now recalling a question he'd gotten wrong.
Li Jiacong panicked and picked up his phone to call Li Sheng, but the phone was switched off.
It was like a premonition, as if he had lost something important. Li Jiacong suddenly stood up and walked towards the door. Chen Wen asked, "Where are you going? Didn't you just come up?"
Li Jiacong didn't say anything, closed the door and ran outside.
He ran back to where he had met Li Sheng, looked around, and suddenly slapped his head, dumbfounded. Li Sheng wasn't there.
If he's leaving, where will he go?
Go home? After much thought, Li Jiacong thought of Yunji. Li Sheng might be in Yunji's dormitory. This was his only "clue." Taxis were scarce on the road, and he drove for a while before finally finding one, which took him to Yunji's dormitory.
The noisy old building was bathed in red light. There weren't many people inside. He ran to Li Sheng's dormitory, pushed open the door, and saw two men smoking in the room, surrounded by a meager plate of dumplings and side dishes.
Li Jiacong asked, "Is Li Sheng here?"
The two looked at each other and said in unison, "Who?"
They didn't know Li Sheng. Li Jiazong closed the door, returned to the corridor, and paced around. Suddenly, he saw Huang Yin at the corner of the stairs. The moment Huang Yin saw him, her expression was almost terrified. Li Jiazong noticed, but didn't know why. He ran over and asked, "You...we've met before, haven't we? Do you know where Li Sheng is?"
Huang Yin was carrying her luggage, as if she were about to embark on a long journey; her fingers were red from the effort. Li Jiacong tried to help her carry it, but Huang Yin turned away, avoiding him: "No need, thank you. Um... Li Sheng..."
Li Jiacong looked at her anxiously.
Huang Yin parted her red lips slightly and said, "I don't know."
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