Chapter 34
For the next month, Cheng Xun's life remained largely unchanged. He went to the hospital to have the cast on his left hand removed, and the swollen wounds on his face from the punches he had taken had completely healed, leaving no trace of the fight. During this time, he also received no further news from Song Qiuxuan.
The day before Cheng Xun returned to school, he went downstairs for a late-night snack and ran into Aunt Xu, who was on good terms with Zhang Yuyun in the neighborhood.
Upon hearing his name called, Cheng Xun was walking towards the noodle shop with his head down and a blank expression.
"Cheng Xun," Aunt Xu called out loudly, looking him up and down. "I heard from your mother that you fell off your bicycle and hurt your hand. Haven't you been able to go to school yet?"
So that's how Zhang Yuyun announced his broken left hand. Cheng Xun looked up at Aunt Xu without any emotional fluctuation and said calmly, "You can go tomorrow."
"Be careful when riding your bike. You can't rush things. Look at how much schoolwork you've fallen behind in just over a month of leave," Aunt Xu nagged on and on.
Cheng Xun stood in front of Aunt Xu without explaining anything or mentioning that he had asked Liang Shizhe to bring back his textbooks. He said he had been studying online and hadn't fallen too far behind in his studies.
He gave a forced, gentle smile: "Aunt Xu, I'm a little hungry, I'll be going now."
After saying that, he walked towards the noodle shop under Aunt Xu's gaze. Aunt Xu hadn't finished saying all the words of comfort and encouragement, so he swallowed them back.
Aunt Xu wondered if it was just her imagination, but she felt that Cheng Xun had been cooped up at home for too long, and he looked rather gloomy, as if he had become more taciturn, and his gentle smile seemed extremely forced.
How tall and handsome he must be! How wonderful it would be if he had the lively personality of his brother. Aunt Xu watched Cheng Xun's departing figure, shook her head with some regret, and turned to leave.
The winter solstice is just a few days away, and the temperature has dropped. The wind blowing at night is chilly, and the withered leaves rustle across the ground in the cold wind. The empty streets exude a desolate atmosphere.
After finishing his steaming bowl of beef noodles, Cheng Xun zipped his jacket all the way up and walked out of the store.
As he walked down the steps in front of the shop, he heard two strangers chatting animatedly a few meters away from him.
"I had a really good time tonight. This game is so addictive."
"I asked you to come with me to play before, but you said it wasn't as fun as the game. Now you've proven me wrong."
"Yes, yes, yes, that's a slap in the face. I've been looking at new rackets these past few days, but the prices are too expensive. I'll buy one when I've saved enough money by the end of the year."
Cheng Xun was drawn to the jubilant chatter. He looked up and, though his expression remained calm, he paused slightly when he saw the badminton rackets stuck in the backpacks of the two people in front of him.
"You're blocking the way, move aside," a middle-aged man behind me said loudly.
Cheng Xun snapped out of her daze, looked away, and continued walking forward.
The biting wind scraped against his face like sharp blades. Cheng Xun put his hands in his pockets, lowered his head, and shrank his neck. Suddenly, a sense of melancholy and loneliness appeared between his brows.
Fragments of memories crashed through his mind. Cheng Xun recalled how he had dragged Liang Shizhe to the gym to practice badminton with Song Qiuxuan. He seemed to have some athletic talent, as Liang picked it up quickly. He also remembered several times he and Song Qiuxuan had gone to the gym, and how they both liked to drink the same flavored sports drink.
Cheng Xun had just heard the stranger say he was saving money to buy a racket. Cheng Xun had also heard Song Qiuxuan mention the badminton racket she liked, and Cheng Xun had secretly planned to buy it for her on her birthday.
How wonderful it would be if time could extend forward in the direction we expect and anticipate.
Cheng Xun felt a little irritated, wondering how he should face her when he returned to school. If he hadn't sent that love letter, if he hadn't been so eager to express his feelings, perhaps things would be better now.
*
One day in December, Song Qiuxuan went to school as usual. The temperature had dropped recently, so she put on a sweater under her coat before going out.
After the weather got colder, Song Qiuxuan stopped riding her bicycle to school and went to the bus stop to wait for the bus.
As Song Qiuxuan entered the classroom, she glanced at the single seat near the door without any expectation, as usual. Then her pupils suddenly contracted – the seat that had been empty for more than a month was now occupied.
Cheng Xun returned to school. Realizing this, Song Qiuxuan's heart skipped a beat. She tightened her grip on the shoulder strap of her backpack, and her gaze lingered on his figure.
Cheng Xun was slowly tidying up the table. He added two more workbooks to the already high stack of books. His short black hair looked like it had just been trimmed, and his back view looked neat and tidy. There was nothing unusual about him.
Song Qiuxuan almost instinctively wanted to call out his name, but then, remembering something, she calmly pursed her lips, straightened her back, and walked silently towards her seat.
Song Qiuxuan would never take the initiative to speak to him.
For over a month, Cheng Xun hadn't proactively replied to her messages. Her concern and the things Cheng Xun had said before felt like a joke. Song Qiuxuan really couldn't understand his inexplicable behavior of ignoring her. If she didn't get a reasonable explanation, she never wanted to talk to him again.
Song Qiuxuan usually sits down very quietly, but today she unusually pulled the chair out forcefully, making a somewhat harsh sound as it scraped against the floor. She glanced towards the back door out of the corner of her eye, but unfortunately, the distance was too great; they were now separated by an entire group and several rows of seats, and she couldn't catch Cheng Xun's reaction.
In the morning, Song Qiuxuan seemed to be attending class normally. She was serious and focused, taking careful notes. After class, she organized the questions she got wrong on the weekly test.
During the long break, she and He Zhimian went down to do exercises together. When they passed the back door, she glanced at it casually.
Cheng Xun was lying on the table, his face turned to the wall, and he didn't seem to have any intention of going to the playground.
Song Qiuxuan's eyes dimmed for a moment, and she turned her face away with a hint of disappointment.
He seemed to completely disregard her.
He hadn't replied to her messages for over a month, and Song Qiuxuan was furious. But if he had just given her a reasonable explanation and coaxed her a little, her anger might have vanished in an instant.
*
Hate.
After evening self-study, Song Qiuxuan wrote these two characters on a draft paper.
Several days have passed since Cheng Xun returned to school, and Song Qiuxuan began to wonder if Cheng Xun had been too good at pretending, flawlessly portraying himself as the best person to her. If not, then why had he allowed their relationship to grow distant these past few days? Why had he not explained his previous neglect of her? Why couldn't he see that although she was avoiding him on the surface, she actually cared about him a lot?
Song Qiuxuan sighed dejectedly. She used her pen to black out the two words she had written on the draft paper, then packed her things, got up, and left the classroom.
As Song Qiuxuan passed by that person's seat, she couldn't help but glance at him.
These past few days, Song Qiuxuan has been troubled by this matter, and she's not like herself anymore. She used to always seem to be full of energy and appear to be a very positive and optimistic person, but lately she rarely even smiles, and her personality has become much quieter.
When she got home, Xu Yanzhen hadn't gone to sleep yet. When she heard the door open, she went up to Song Qiuxuan and asked if she was hungry and if she wanted a late-night snack.
Song Qiuxuan bent down to change her shoes: "I'm not hungry."
Xu Yanzhen looked at her somewhat tired expression with a strange expression and said softly, "Is it because the final exams are in a month? You've been studying hard lately, and you seem to have a bit of a lack of energy these past few days?"
Following her words, Song Qiuxuan said, "Probably." She straightened up and met Xu Yanzhen's worried gaze, then added, "It's nothing, I'll adjust slowly."
Xu Yanzhen nodded and said okay, and Song Qiuxuan went back to the bedroom.
Song Qiuxuan said she would adjust, but it wasn't that easy. Her preoccupied and depressed state continued until New Year's Day.
On the eve of her holiday, Song Qiuxuan finally couldn't stand her lack of interest in anything anymore. She couldn't let herself continue like this, so she decided to talk to Cheng Xun and clear things up. Maybe if she could just talk it out, she wouldn't be so depressed anymore.
Weren't she and Cheng Xun in a relationship? Cheng Xun clearly gave her the silent treatment first, but why did he act like he was unaffected, while she was stuck in their beautiful memories and couldn't break free?
*
The new year is approaching, and the classroom is filled with a joyful atmosphere before the holiday. The girls are excitedly talking about going to the jewelry store to buy new hair clips and hair ties during the holiday, while the boys are having a heated discussion about games.
Cheng Xun didn't join the chat. He sat silently in his seat, idly swiping his phone screen a couple of times.
The room was filled with a cacophony of noise, occasionally punctuated by sharp cries, and Cheng Xun frowned in annoyance.
The seats in the last row are often bumped by students who are playing around and shoving each other, especially the seats near the door.
Just then, Cheng Xun's chair was bumped again. The female classmate and her friends were playing around and didn't hold back, pushing her onto Cheng Xun's chair.
"I'm sorry, Cheng Xun." The female student straightened up, leaning against the wall. When Cheng Xun turned his head to look back with an impatient expression, she gave him a shy look.
Cheng Xun didn't speak, but shook her head slightly, then pulled her chair forward a few centimeters.
The female classmate stared blankly at the back of his head, unable to tell whether he was good-tempered or not. He didn't say it was okay in a friendly way, nor did he give her a cold shoulder.
The female student was tugged at by her companion, but before she could think twice, she returned to her seat.
After she left, Cheng Xun casually raised his head and looked at the third row of seats in the middle.
Song Qiuxuan's seat.
Several girls were chatting animatedly around her, while she was doing her homework with her head down.
Cheng Xun noticed that she had become much quieter recently.
Does this have anything to do with him? Cheng Xun lowered his eyelashes and looked away. He didn't want it to be related to him. Cheng Xun knew he had made a mistake, but he didn't regret it. He thought he should put an end to it completely instead of running away from it.
To his surprise, Song Qiuxuan sent him a message first.
Cheng Xun's hands trembled slightly as he opened the chat window.
Song Qiuxuan: Let's walk home together after school.
She only sent five words, her words resolute, leaving no room for refusal.
Cheng Xun stared at the message, a sense of indescribable disappointment spreading through his heart. He gripped his phone so tightly that his fingertips turned white. After a moment, he typed back: "Yeah, I also have something to say to you."
*
A few days ago, the blackboard bulletin board that Cheng Xun drew was wiped clean and replaced with the words "Welcome New Year's Day".
I remember when it was shortly after the start of the school year, there was a blackboard newspaper competition, and no matter how much we encouraged people to draw blackboard newspapers, no one was willing to do so.
Now that the end of the semester is approaching and the day for class division is drawing near, the class's cohesion and enthusiasm have actually increased. Many students have enthusiastically signed up for the blackboard bulletin, and the drawings are especially festive.
When the bell rang, Song Qiuxuan deliberately waited a while, until most of the students had left, before standing up.
The moment she turned and walked into the corridor, she looked up and saw the new blackboard bulletin.
Several days passed, and she still hadn't fully gotten used to the new bulletin board, and even felt a little regretful. Fortunately, she had taken a picture of Cheng Xun's bulletin board with her phone, so at least a trace was left.
Cheng Xun was also included in that photo.
As she passed the back row, Song Qiuxuan noticed out of the corner of her eye that Cheng Xun glanced in her direction. She avoided eye contact and walked out of the classroom without looking to the side.
When she reached the corner of the stairwell, Song Qiuxuan slowed down for a few seconds, and only resumed her normal pace after hearing Cheng Xun's footsteps following her.
Cheng Xun didn't walk to her side, but kept a few steps away from her. Song Qiuxuan really wanted to see his expression, but she held back so as not to appear that she was too attached to him.
They remained silent all the way to the bus stop, where they boarded the bus one after the other. Song Qiuxuan sat in the back, while Cheng Xun stood in front, holding onto the overhead handrail.
Song Qiuxuan stubbornly turned her head to look out the window, refusing to glance at Cheng Xun as if she were sulking.
When they arrived at Song Qiuxuan's stop, Cheng Xun got off the train with her.
The bus stop is some distance from Song Qiuxuan's residential area. At this moment, the road is deserted, and the wind rustles through the withered yellow leaves.
Song Qiuxuan gripped the strap of her backpack with her fingers, her head down. She walked very slowly, as if afraid of missing the entire journey.
"Song Qiuxuan." Cheng Xun's clear and slightly deep voice sounded from behind.
She immediately stopped, without turning around, but her eyes welled up with tears.
Why did it take you so long to call out my name?
More than a month ago, on a Saturday, besides being surrounded in an alley, what else happened around you? Why didn't you want to tell me a single word?
Do you think of me as someone who can pick things up and put them down whenever they want?
Do you know that I've been tormented for the past month or so?
When you returned to school, why didn't you offer any explanation? Why did you act like nothing happened? Why did you seem so indifferent to me?
She gritted her teeth and held back her tears, countless questions almost bursting from her throat.
She slowly turned around, maintaining her composure, and watched Cheng Xun walk towards her step by step with her lips tightly pressed together.
Cheng Xun had a calm and composed expression on his face as fallen leaves blew across his broad shoulders.
"I'm sorry." Cheng Xun stopped, remained silent for a moment, and then suddenly uttered these three words, one after another.
The three unexpected words stunned Song Qiuxuan, and she showed a slightly puzzled expression.
What she wanted was not his apology, but a clear and reasonable explanation.
For over a month, she had been waiting for his explanation.
Song Qiuxuan lowered her gaze as if unwilling to face the situation.
Realizing what Cheng Xun might say next, Song Qiuxuan immediately backed down. She wanted to turn around and leave; she wished she had never sent that message asking him to walk home with her after school.
"Let's break up," Song Qiuxuan heard Cheng Xun say softly.
She looked up abruptly, her eyes filled with disbelief.
She moved her lips: "Why?"
“During this time, I’ve come to realize that we are destined not to be together.” Cheng Xun’s tone was calm and unhurried, his words clear and logical. Perhaps he had rehearsed his words many times in his mind. “Our personalities and the environments we grew up in are too different.”
"You, on the other hand, have a likable personality, are studious and sensible, have a long-term vision, and can persevere in completing what you set your mind to. As for me, I have a terrible personality, as can be seen from this incident. I am the kind of person who wants to run away when I encounter trouble."
The wind ruffled his hair, and Cheng Xun's heart sank slowly. The calmness and composure in his tone were all things he had tried his best to maintain, and he felt deeply powerless.
Seeing Song Qiuxuan's bewildered and incredulous expression, Cheng Xun felt a sharp pain in his heart, and he casually looked away.
Song Qiuxuan couldn't take his words to heart; she didn't need to hear them, that wasn't what she wanted.
Is this an excuse to break up? If they weren't compatible, was the time they spent together, their souls intertwined, just a dream?
Song Qiuxuan's hands fell to her sides, clutching the hem of her clothes, her voice trembling with a soft sob: "So... what about those love letters?! What about the things you promised me? Was it just a passing fancy?"
No, it wasn't just a passing fancy; I really like you. You don't know, I spent the whole night writing that love letter.
Cheng Xun felt a sharp pain in his heart as he looked at Song Qiuxuan, who was on the verge of collapse. He was at a loss as to how to face this unexpected situation.
In Cheng Xun's plan, he would act as if he were completely at ease, say the words of breaking up, and then turn around and leave her sight without any lingering feelings.
Cheng Xun selfishly believed that Song Qiuxuan would definitely have the idea of giving up on him after hearing what her mother said, but now it seems that this is not entirely the case.
Cheng Xun wanted to run away again. He was completely helpless with Song Qiuxuan at this moment. He didn't know what to say in order not to hurt her.
"I'm sorry." Cheng Xun repeated the word, his originally straight shoulders slumping slightly, his eyelashes drooping to conceal the turbulent emotions in his eyes.
Song Qiuxuan raised her hand to cover her ears: "I don't want to hear this."
Cheng Xun didn't offer her any words of comfort. He continued, "I had such high hopes for our relationship back then, but now I realize that I'm not getting the happiness I had at the beginning. In fact, I'm even feeling troubled."
Cheng Xun steeled himself and uttered his last words.
As expected, Song Qiuxuan didn't say anything more after hearing those words.
Song Qiuxuan always thought that he was happy with her.
However, he said he felt troubled.
The past I cherish, you say you want to forget.
The grievance in Song Qiuxuan's eyes turned into bewilderment, and her emotions strangely calmed down.
"Are you sure?" After a long while, she managed to utter the question, her eyes dry from the wind.
Cheng Xun nodded, turned around, and, as expected, left her sight.
The moment he turned around, Song Qiuxuan also turned and walked in the opposite direction from Cheng Xun. She walked very fast, and later she simply started running, a tear sliding down her cheek.
She couldn't act as nonchalantly as Cheng Xun; she was overwhelmed by immense sadness and grief.
Running into the stairwell, Song Qiuxuan hid in a corner and squatted down, hugging her knees with her arms and burying her face in her arms.
A faint sobbing sound came from the hallway; she tried her best not to cry out loud.
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