Chapter 102 Yu Zhenchi, He Niang harbors resentment, Xue Shan…
It was mid-March when they returned to the capital. After a long journey, they arrived in the capital on March 21st. Shanhe still hadn't received a single word from Liang Shao; he seemed to have vanished into thin air. Those days of harmonious marriage and mutual respect had become a dream, leaving no trace after the dream ended, leaving Shanhe alone, waiting, filled with desolation. At first, Shanhe harbored a faint hope, hoping that one day he would suddenly appear, at least allowing her to see him again. Later, as time passed and they drew closer to the capital, all hope seemed lost. Shanhe accepted her fate, abandoning everything in Jinling, abandoning Liang Shao, and obediently taking Liang Ye's hand, holding Liu Liu, and going to the capital.
The new residence was prepared by Liang Ye before the new year. If it weren't for the fire at Cangfeng Courtyard, they would have moved in long ago. Although it's a few months late, everything is well-prepared, as if it had been waiting for Shanhe all along. Shanhe's courtyard has already been named Cuiwei Pavilion, truly the finest place in the mansion. The lush greenery and hidden rock formations were all personally selected by Liang Ye. The paintings hanging in the room are Shanhe's own work; the curtains hanging from the canopy bed are decorated with mandarin ducks playing in the water and lotus blossoms in pairs, making it look like a bridal chamber awaiting a new bride.
Now that Shanhe has returned with her pregnant belly, and Liang Ye is staying at Cuiwei Pavilion every night, this courtyard has immediately become a coveted spot for the entire household to curry favor with. The male and female servants are all scrambling to get into Shanhe's courtyard, and those who can't get in find ways to send their own children in to serve.
In the end, Cai Xiang became a first-class maid at Cuiwei Pavilion, Cai Ping a second-class maid, and four other lowly maids, all personally selected by Liang Ye. Meanwhile, Granny Wei remained in her original position. Because Granny Wei had previously worked as a wet nurse and was very experienced, Liang Ye originally intended to transfer her to Cuiwei Pavilion. However, Shan He refused, citing incompatibility. Liang Ye had no choice but to select another woman who had given birth to care for Shan He.
However, one person is still missing; Shanhe hasn't forgotten her.
On the second day after arriving in the capital, Liang Ye went to the palace to report on his duties. Shan He summoned Cai Xiang and said, "I want to see He Niang."
He Niang lived in a small, narrow bungalow behind the garden. The doors and windows were usually closed, and few people came near it.
Cai Xiang was unaware of the feud between Shan He and He Niang. She led Shan He along the way, saying with great regret, "I never thought that you would still remember her. He Niang... alas, she is also pitiful."
Shanhe sneered inwardly. That day, she, Qingyue, and Miao'er had plotted their escape, and He Niang, knowing this, still ruthlessly attacked her, causing Qingyue to be injured. How pitiful could someone so vicious be?
When they arrived at He Niang's little house, they saw that the lattice windows were tightly closed. Cai Xiang pushed open the door and called out with a laugh, "He Niang, Lady Xue has come to see you!"
A person lay on the wooden bed with their back to them, their hair disheveled, curled up on the bed, and the mattress beneath them was also very dirty.
Cai Xiang stepped forward, patted He Niang on the back, and whispered, "He Niang, Lady Xue has come to see you."
Shanhe frowned slightly, constantly reminding herself that everything was He Niang's own fault and she had no one else to blame.
He Niang remained motionless, and Cai Xiang gently turned her body around. The once beautiful He Niang was now emaciated. Her cheeks were sunken, her dark hair was tangled like withered grass, and her eyes, which resembled Shan He's, were now empty and lifeless, no longer reflecting any light or human affairs.
Shanhe's heart tightened, and she opened her mouth, but couldn't utter a single word.
“He Niang, look closely, this is Madam Xue. Madam Xue has come to see you,” Cai Xiang patiently guided.
He Niang's stiff eyes finally moved. She raised her head, faced Shan He, and suddenly grinned, drool immediately dripping from the corner of her lips. She seemed to slowly recognize Shan He, and a hint of fear finally appeared on her ashen face. She huddled against the quilt, trying to hide against the wall.
Shanhe secretly clenched her fist in her sleeve.
Is this He Niang?
Is this He Niang, the one who wanted to kill her?
Cai Xiang grabbed her wrist and laughed, "Why are you hiding? This is Madam Xue, not a bad person!"
He Niang finally spoke, her voice stiff and grating: "Xue... Shan... He..." She uttered each word with great effort, accompanied by gasps of breath between each syllable. By the time she finished saying "Xue Shan He," her collar was already soaked with saliva.
Shanhe felt her eyes sting and throb. She tilted her head back and blinked hard, swallowing back her tears. Before coming, she had intended to give He Niang a hard time, or at least to interrogate her, since He Niang had once wanted her dead and had indeed hurt Qingyue. But now, seeing He Niang in this state, she couldn't help but feel sorry for her.
The fifteen-year-old girl, just a few months ago, was so ambitious, daring to wield a knife, daring to hurt people, daring to cry out against the injustice of fate, daring to pursue the love in her heart. In just a few months, she has become this withered, lifeless figure. Her vibrant vitality has vanished, leaving only an empty shell, living like a walking corpse, even worse than a human, almost like livestock.
Shanhe was in turmoil. On one hand, she hated He Niang for stabbing Qingyue, and on the other hand, she hated her own weak and powerless kindness. Kindness was a utterly useless thing. First, it might not relieve the suffering of those who were in pain, but it could torment those with kind hearts to death. Unable to bear seeing others suffer, yet powerless to help, she suffered even more than others. Heaven was unjust; having given her compassion, why refused to grant her the power to save others?
She sat lightly on the edge of the bed, took out a handkerchief from her bosom, bit her lip, and gently wiped away He Niang's drool.
Their eyes met; these two similar pairs of eyes, one devoid of brilliance, the other filled with sorrow. In that instant of eye contact, they both looked into each other's eyes.
A person devoid of spirit and soul has empty, emotionless eyes. Shanhe was suddenly startled; she realized that He Niang might very well be herself. They resembled each other in appearance and aura, and both had been wasted under Liang Ye's rule. He Niang's present state might very well be hers, Xue Shanhe's, future! A chill ran through Shanhe; she felt a deeper terror, an indescribable terror, because she couldn't explain what had turned He Niang into this state. Poison? Too concrete. Above poison, there must be something higher, something more intangible, oppressing He Niang, forcing her to become like this. That thing oppressed not only He Niang, but also Shanhe, and perhaps Qingyue and Wu Tianqi as well. That thing might not have been entirely imposed by Liang Ye; perhaps it stood higher, even Liang Ye was within its grasp. When Shanhe finally understood what that thing was, perhaps she would no longer suffer.
He Niang stared blankly as Shan He wiped the corner of her lips. A sudden thought struck her, and she burst into tears. Her sobs were stiff and piercing, tears and saliva streaming down her face. She looked terrible and extremely pitiful as she cried.
Looking at her face, Shanhe felt as if she were seeing herself crying.
Shanhe said to Caixiang, "Go and get some warm water to wash He Niang's face."
Cai Xiang nodded and went to the next room. The teapot was empty, the water tank was empty, and Cai Xiang stood by the window: "There's no water here, I'll go to the front and boil some water."
Shanhe responded and turned back to look at He Niang.
Only the two of them remained in the room. Shanhe never imagined that she would be sitting face to face with He Niang like this, so she didn't know what to say to her and could only keep quiet and wipe her drool.
He Niang dodged her touch, crying out, word by word, "Zhen... Mother..."
Yes, her name is Zhenniang, not Heniang. She was born herself, not a shadow of Xue Shanhe. She has her own origins, and she has experienced her own simple and straightforward joys and sorrows. She fell in love with Liang Ye not because he resembled Xue Shanhe, nor because she had to be a certain way like Xue Shanhe, but because Liang Ye appeared in Zhenniang's despair in an irresistible way, becoming a ray of light in her dark life. This love may be obsessive, blind, even self-destructive like a moth drawn to a flame, but it comes entirely from her heart—Zhenniang's heart. At this moment, as Zhenniang's mind breaks and she regresses to her primal state, she repeatedly murmurs her own name.
People have forgotten her original name and call her He Niang. Even she herself is almost forgotten, as if she were just an appendage of Xue Shanhe. He Niang was molded into He Niang by everyone. Every "He Niang" is a forced attempt to mold Zhen Niang into He Niang, and even she herself is forcing herself to become He Niang.
However, as long as the fire in one's heart remains extinguished, as long as the flame of life continues to burn, one can only be oneself. Therefore, she obsessively sought Liang Ye's love. Perhaps only by winning Liang Ye's love could she rediscover herself.
Shanhe nodded with tears in her eyes: "Yes, Zhenniang, you are called Zhenniang. You have never been me."
Xue Shanhe is Xue Shanhe. Zhenniang is Zhenniang. No one is born to be anyone else's substitute, nor is anyone born to be anyone else's appendage.
Upon hearing this, Zhenniang burst into tears. She threw herself into Shanhe's arms, and her already labored breathing became even more violent as she sobbed and convulsed.
Shanhe hugged her, like a mother hugging her own baby, and let Zhenniang lie on her lap. Shanhe couldn't help but shed tears, but still forced a smile and said, "It's okay, from now on, you are Zhenniang. You should stay here and recover."
Zhenniang shook her head repeatedly. She was no longer Zhenniang, nor He Niang; she was a monster caught between the two. One cannot completely erase the path one came from; she could no longer become Zhenniang, nor could she become He Niang again. Zhenniang wiped away her tears and spoke with difficulty, "Yu... Zhen... Chi... dead... person..."
Shanhe couldn't hear clearly at first, so she leaned closer to Zhenniang: "What? What did you say?"
Zhenniang repeated haltingly: "Yu... Zhen... Chi... Si... Huai... Song..."
Jade Shaking Pond. Shanhe looked up blankly: "Huaisong died at Jade Shaking Pond?"
Zhenniang nodded vigorously.
"Is it the 'Jade Sound' of 'Golden Sound and Jade Resonance'? Where is this Jade Sound Pond? Zhenniang, how are you connected to Huaisong and the Jade Sound Pond?"
Before Shanhe could finish speaking, Caixiang's voice rang out from outside: "Wife, the hot water is here."
Zhenniang immediately fell silent, only lying in Shanhe's arms and sobbing softly. Shanhe stopped asking questions and kept the matter to himself, never telling anyone.
On the third day after returning to the capital, Shanhe was doing her makeup at her dressing table, while Liang Ye was being helped to change his clothes by Caiping. A young maid stood under the eaves and said softly, "Miss You heard that Master and Madam had returned to the capital, so she came to pay her respects."
Shanhe assumed it was one of the women Liang Ye had taken into his room recently, so she didn't dare to act on her own and waited for his instructions. Liang Ye stood behind her, smiled at Shanhe in the mirror, and said, "She came all the way here to pay her respects."
Shanhe sneered inwardly. They were all concubines, so what was the point of paying respects to each other?
She felt it was pointless and slowly said, "We're all the same kind of people, why bother her to come all the way here?"
Liang Ye chuckled: "Jealous?"
Shanhe took out the snail-shaped ingots from her makeup box and lazily responded to him.
Seeing this, the maid was about to send You Lan'er away when Liang Ye stopped laughing and slowly said, "You don't need to be jealous of the people in Ah Shao's room. Isn't it a bit inappropriate to send them away like this?"
Shanhe paused in her grasp of the snail shell.
The people in Ah Shao's room...
She put down the ingot and breathed a sigh of relief: "Then please wait in the main room, Miss You."
Liang Ye's lips curled slightly, a forced smile on his face: "After all, Ah Shao's words carry more weight than mine."
Upon hearing this, Shanhe turned her face away, her beautiful eyes narrowed, and she sneered, "Since that's how it is, then please ask Master Liang to send two servants to take me to Beichuan to seek refuge with Liang Shao. You don't need to give me these vague words." After saying that, Shanhe got up from the table, pushed away Caixiang's hand that was about to put a hairpin in her hair, and went straight to the main room.
Liang Ye was thoroughly humiliated by her, and his words caught in his throat. Looking down, he saw Cai Ping, who was tying his belt, secretly smiling. His face darkened, and he felt utterly ridiculous. He had deliberately said that You Lan'er was someone from Shao's household, hoping to see Shan He get angry with Shao and create distance between them. Seeing Shan He's displeased expression, he felt a pang of unease. Shan He still cared about Liang Shao. If You Lan'er were someone from his household, would Xue Shan He be angry? He dared not think about it further.
Liang Ye impatiently said to Caiping, "Go down." He fastened his belt as he caught up with Shanhe, "I was just joking with you, why are you so angry?"
Shanhe walked ahead, her voice indifferent: "I don't like to hear jokes like that."
“If you don’t like it, you can just not say it again.” He walked side by side with Shanhe, and took her arm. “Stop for a moment, I have something to tell you.”
"What will the old man say to test me this time?"
"Now that we've finished speaking, I'm going to court." He said solemnly, "This Youlan'er isn't from A Shao's household; he brought her back from Beichuan. It's said that her parents were killed by the Chatai people, and her own family almost died at the hands of the enemy. It was A Shao who saved her. Later, when A Shao was ambushed by Zhu Xian, she helped pass on messages and find someone to rescue him; when A Shao was injured, she took care of him day and night. Because she had no one at home and nowhere to go, A Shao brought her back from Beichuan, and she's currently staying in Pingbi Pavilion in the back."
As Liang Ye finished speaking, Shan He's eyes flickered slightly, and her fingers quietly clenched.
Not someone from her room, but her savior, an orphan girl, someone Liang Shao brought back to his mansion… This series of explanations was like pebbles thrown into the already stagnant lake of her heart. So that's how it is. This instantly made the sharp pain in her heart caused by being “Liang Shao's roommate” become complex and indescribable. Yes, a man like Liang Shao, his gentle tenderness in Jinling was genuine, and his righteous rescue in Beichuan was also genuine. He hadn't lied to her; he said he wouldn't marry anyone else, and that was true. But he could be kind to many people, responsible for many things, so why did he so easily abandon her this time, without even a reason?
Shanhe gently withdrew her arm and said calmly, "I see. Since you've made it clear, I understand." She didn't look at Liang Ye again, but turned her gaze towards the main house. "Miss You is still waiting; it wouldn't be good to keep her waiting."
Liang Ye carefully examined her face. Seeing that Shan He didn't show the relief or anger he had expected, but rather a calm expression, the inexplicable tightness in his heart deepened. He would rather she make a scene, rather she cry and tell him how heartless Liang Shao was, and then he would comfort her properly. That would be better than her suppressing all her emotions so completely that he couldn't figure her out.
“You…” Liang Ye wanted to say something more, but Cheng An’s urging voice came from outside, reminding him that it was getting late. He had no choice but to swallow his words and finally said, “I’m going to court. You should rest well. If she speaks rudely, don’t worry about it.”
Shanhe nodded slightly, which was considered an agreement.
After seeing Liang Ye off, Shan He stood quietly for a moment before forcing a smile and slowly walking towards the main room to meet You Lan'er.
You Lan'er was kind-hearted and a very well-behaved girl, about the same age as Shan He. But when Liang Shao was mentioned, Shan He could see the tenderness hidden in her eyes. In that instant, Shan He suddenly felt that the two brothers were the same—neither of them were good men. A deep desolation welled up inside her. In her life, she only had the two Liang brothers: one she didn't love, yet forced her to accept him; the other she loved, yet silently abandoned her when she needed him most. Shan He lowered her head, looking at her flat stomach, and for the first time felt as if she had wasted her entire life. Wasted it all? she asked herself.
Four days after seeing You Lan'er, a letter arrived from Jinling. It was from Liang Shao, forwarded by Miao'er. Opening the letter, she found only a thin sheet of paper, briefly recounting recent events in a vague and incomplete manner, unlike his previous detailed writings. He made no mention of why his return had been delayed or why it had taken so long to send the letter. However, the longing expressed was still in Liang Shao's usual style, flowing freely and full of deep affection. The more Shanhe read, the angrier and more nauseous she became. What she wanted was not that longing! Shanhe couldn't help but gag over the spittoon, only finding relief after a long while, noticing the tear stains on her face. Liang Ye came over, took a handkerchief, and gently wiped her mouth, somewhat resentfully saying, "Alright, now you see? Don't put all your heart into him in the future," he wanted to say that she should have looked back at him long ago, but paused, and instead said, "Putting your heart into yourself is what truly matters."
Shanhe nodded numbly, finally deciding to completely abandon Liang Shao, without even replying to the letter. Later, another letter arrived, which Shanhe didn't read, but burned in front of Liang Ye by candlelight. From then on, Liang Ye was completely at ease.
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Author's note: He Niang: the objectified; Zhen Niang: her subject.
Therefore, Zhenniang's earlier frantic attempt to kill Shanhe stemmed not only from her love for Liang Ye and her desire for a better life, but also, more profoundly, from her yearning to seize power and reclaim her own agency. Zhenniang was objectified by something far more structural and institutional, an oppression that transcended the gender dynamic. Thus, she is both despicable and pitiful. From her perspective, even Shanhe was someone who oppressed her and robbed her of her agency; the everyday address of "He Niang" was also a form of oppression, a forceful shaping of her into He Niang. Of course, the true culprit was undoubtedly Liang Ye.
(Um, when I first conceived of Zhenniang, I just wanted her to be a girl forced to become a substitute and then sink into depravity. But as I wrote, I realized she was actually very tragic. Everyone was unconsciously objectifying her, erasing her true self to create her. Even she herself was objectifying herself!! The difference between her and Shanhe is that Shanhe doesn't objectify herself, so Shanhe is always resisting. Later on, Zhenniang will have a true final ending...)
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