Chapter 14 Xue Shanhe wants a divorce.
A sound came from outside the door; it was Cheng Bao helping Liang Shao back. Qingyue went out to greet them, but before she even reached them, a lingering smell of alcohol hit her nose. She frowned: "Drank so much?"
Liang Shao looked up with a smile: "I'm not drunk! Where's Shan Shan?"
Upon hearing this, Qingyue's eyes darkened. She stepped aside to make way and respectfully said, "Second Madam is inside."
Liang Shao propped himself up from Cheng Bao, straightened his body, and straightened his clothes. His face was flushed with the effects of alcohol. "Alright, alright, you all go back and rest." As he spoke, Liang Shao walked alone to the door of the main house. He had drunk quite a bit tonight, some of it was from others getting him to drink, and some he drank on his own. Perhaps it was because his ambitions were still unfulfilled, and today he finally understood what it meant to drown one's sorrows in alcohol. Yet, he wasn't drunk; his mind was remarkably clear. The events of the past few days flashed before his eyes like a revolving lantern. There was the time he knelt before his grandfather, listening to the old man's dying words: first his son, then his wife, and finally his mother, but not his grandson; there was the time he lay on the beams of the dilapidated temple in Yuetuo Village, enduring the bites of mosquitoes for most of the night, and just when he was about to give up, the murderer finally appeared... So many things flashed before his eyes, and he drank faster and faster, until Cheng Bao whispered in his ear that Shan He wanted him to drink less and go home early. He shuddered, realizing that for a moment he had been distracted when the old man murmured his grandmother's name: when he was dying, would he also call out Shanhe's name without hesitation? He remembered that when he could no longer support himself on the roof beam, he saw a lustrous and quiet red musk bracelet in the night, which Shanhe had given him.
Thankfully, he still had Shanhe. Liang Shao suddenly longed to go back, longed to hold Shanhe in his arms. He had made up his mind; he wouldn't care about saving face anymore. He would tell Shanhe that he had burned the divorce papers; he didn't want a divorce, and he wouldn't. Before, because of his willfulness, he had almost missed out on such a wonderful wife as Shanhe. Now, he would treat it as a new beginning; he and Shanshan would start afresh. Life never offers perfect solutions. Since fate decreed that he should marry Shanhe, that they should be husband and wife, then they should follow destiny and spend their lives together.
"Shanshan!" Liang Shao spotted Shanhe sitting in front of the dressing table at a glance. His eyes lit up and his lips couldn't help but curl up.
“Ah Shao…” Shan He slowly stood up, biting her lower lip tightly with her pearly teeth.
Liang Shao strode closer, wanting to embrace Shanhe, but he also noticed Shanhe's hesitant expression and the neatly arranged land deeds and silver notes on the dressing table. Liang Shao hesitated: "What's wrong, Shanshan?"
Liang Shao stood just two steps away from her. The distance was just right, neither too close nor too distant. She could see the blush on his face and the confusion in his eyes, and she could also use the darkness of the night to hide herself a little.
Shanhe took a deep breath and finally spoke: "Ah Shao, I have something to tell you."
Liang Shao felt a pang of discomfort and quickly said, "Shanshan, I also have something to say to you."
"May I go first?" Shanhe said, pursing her lips.
For some reason, Liang Shao didn't want Shanhe to speak first, but seeing Shanhe's furrowed brows and her fingers twisting nervously, he paused for a moment, then slowly lowered his face: "...Okay."
Shanhe slowly lowered her eyes, both of them looking at the ground. Shanhe said, "Ah Shao, thank you. I know you've been unhappy because of our marriage and have been angry with your grandfather. Now that he's passed away, it's time for us to fulfill our promise."
Liang Shao felt as if he had been struck by lightning. He said blankly, "Shanshan, I don't understand what you mean."
Shanhe turned her head and looked out the window: "Do you still remember the divorce agreement we signed on our wedding night two years ago? Of course, if you think I'm not good enough, and unfit to be a Liang family woman, you can also write a divorce letter. Either way is fine."
The surging tide washed over him, and Liang Shao felt as if he were falling into an abyss, almost suffocating. In a panic, he bit his hand, his teeth drawing blood until the skin was red, his eyes also red-rimmed, but he was oblivious to it. After a long while, Liang Shao slowly uttered words, his voice choked with sobs: "So, you...want...a...divorce?"
"But I don't want a divorce, what should I do?" He stepped forward and grasped Shanhe's shoulders with both hands. A tear glistened in his reddened eyes in the night. Liang Shao pursed his lips and said urgently, "Why? Didn't you say you wanted a child? Didn't you provoke me first? Why do you want a divorce now?"
Shanhe's shoulder ached from being gripped so tightly, and she couldn't help but want to cry: "But we already signed the divorce papers! I had the child because of my grandfather's illness. I just wanted him to have a happier and less lonely time in his final days. I've already told you that!"
Liang Shao suddenly pulled Shanhe into his arms and said urgently, "Shanshan, is there something I've done wrong? Tell me, and I'll change starting today! I've wronged you for the past two years. Please give me another chance, okay?"
Shanhe struggled to get out of his arms, but to no avail. Liang Shao's grip tightened, to the point that Shanhe almost felt suffocated. She pounded Liang Shao's shoulder in a hoarse voice, and only then did Liang Shao seem to snap out of a daze, abruptly releasing her, his hands still holding her shoulders and arms. Tears welled in Liang Shao's eyes. He bit his lower lip, gazing at Shanhe, his lips trembling slightly with sobs: "Why?"
As Shanhe breathed heavily, she pondered deeply. She had to be resolute and tell Liang Shao she wanted a divorce; if she showed even the slightest reluctance, she wouldn't be able to leave. Therefore, Shanhe forced herself to calm down. She forcefully broke free from Liang Shao's grasp, looked directly into his eyes, and tried her best to remain calm and composed: "Shao, I was once as grateful to you as I was to my grandfather. I was so grateful that you agreed to the marriage and took me in. I know I'm not good enough for you, but you still married me in the end—"
"You deserve it," Liang Shao said, his voice choked with emotion.
“Ah Shao, please let me finish. Since the Xue family fell from grace, very few people have listened to me speak in its entirety. I dare not speak, for I fear that if I say too much, they will look down on me with contempt. I fear they will say, ‘A mere government slave, yet he acts like he’s the master.’ So I always think that I should speak less and do more, so that everyone will respect me.” Tears streamed down her face involuntarily. Shanhe bit her lip, forcefully suppressing the urge to cry.
Liang Shao's voice trembled: "Okay..."
She spoke slowly and deliberately, with great difficulty and effort: "I'm a person with a strong sense of pride, so even after two years, I still can't get over that tragedy. I still doubt myself if someone knows my identity just because of an unfriendly look. I'm also a very weak person, so when I was sent to a brothel in Jinling, all I wanted was to die. It was at that time that I realized that for some people, even death is incredibly difficult. If my grandfather hadn't come to save me, I... I might not be myself anymore..." Shanhe's vision was already blurred. This was the deepest memory she had ever held in her heart. Even after so much time had passed, just looking at it, even just once, brought out the pain, and she could feel boundless agony engulfing her entire body.
"So being able to come to Michigan, being able to marry you, I...I'm so happy, so incredibly happy..." She cupped her face, tears streaming through her fingers, "Lucky..."
Shanhe lowered her head, and after the sob subsided, she continued, "At that time, I thought to myself that I must repay my grandfather and you well, and repay you for the rest of my life. Until the night of our wedding, when you gave me the divorce papers. I suddenly realized that what was so happy and lucky for me was actually a shackle that bound you for life. But it's okay, you have many good friends, and you meet different people and things every day. You go to Pingkangfang to drink and go to Ruyilou for banquets. Even though we never spoke during that time, and got along like two strangers who were bound together, I was still happy that you didn't give up on yourself because of what happened to us."
"In the past two years, apart from taking care of my grandfather, I have been hiding in Shuyu Pavilion, secretly chewing on the past. Sometimes it is really funny. The failure of the Third Prince not only ruined my father, the Xue family, and me, but also you. In the face of the torrent of time, only ordinary people like us are drowned, while the Third Prince was only imprisoned. He did not experience the pain of execution, and his wife and daughter were not made into government slaves."
Shanhe wiped away the tears from the corners of her eyes: "I'm sorry, I've gone off on a tangent. What I want to say is that, whether it's that divorce letter or the coldness and estrangement between us over the past two years, I have never, ever blamed you. It was me who ruined your life; it was me who held you back. Ah Shao, have you ever thought that we could never be husband and wife? From the very beginning, from the very start of everything, I came with a heart full of gratitude, and you came with resentment. There was no affection between us. Even now, though we have the physical relationship of husband and wife, do we have the love of husband and wife?"
“How could I not!” Liang Shao pressed on, “I have already regarded you as my wife, regardless of your status or whose daughter you are. Shanshan, it is precisely because I have known your identity from beginning to end, knowing that damn official slave’s identity, that I can still stand in front of you now and tell you that I do not want a divorce, I will not divorce. Isn’t this the love between husband and wife?” Liang Shao reached out and wiped away the tears hanging on Shanhe’s cheek with his fingertips.
"What if I didn't?" Shanhe sobbed. "Ah Shao, I was good to you out of gratitude, and I married you out of gratitude. So should I develop feelings for you as husband and wife? Marrying you wasn't about marrying the person I love, or making a promise to stay with the person I love for life. It was about having a place to protect myself, not having to live that precarious life anymore, and not having to sell my flesh in that damn brothel anymore!"
Liang Shao's hand froze in mid-air, Shan He's voice still echoing in his ears for a long time.
Shanhe's face was streaked with tears. "Liang Shao, let me ask you, before today, if someone asked you to describe your wife, what would you say? Quiet, virtuous, filial? Or what?" Shanhe turned around to face the mirror on the dressing table. Looking at herself in the mirror, she was still the same person she had been two years ago, but she was no longer the Xue Shanhe she had been two years ago. Shanhe laughed self-deprecatingly. "Let me tell you, I was proud, cowardly, timid, and angry. I cursed the Third Prince and the Emperor a thousand times in my heart, using the dirtiest words, you know? Since treason is a capital offense punishable by beheading and confiscation of property, why is it that the Third Prince's family lives well while my family has to become like this!"
"The emperor loves his son dearly and can't bear to kill him. But my father loves me too!"
Shanhe braced herself against the dressing table with both hands, but crouched down in a curled-up position. Her forehead rested on the corner of the table, and she began to sob.
"The emperor's son is a son, the daughter of a subject is a concubine..."
"Ah Shao, do you know the anger in my heart..."
Liang Shao had already squatted down, gently putting his arm around Shanhe's shoulder, his voice hoarse: "I'm sorry, Shanshan..."
“Ah Shao, you don’t know the real me at all, so how can you talk to me about marital affection… The one you have marital affection for is probably that respectful and devoted Grandfather-care-for, perpetually homebound, and perpetually indecisive Liang Er-nai, not Xue Shanhe.” Shanhe watched as tears fell to the ground, quickly spreading, and she smiled bitterly. “But I still thank you. You always emphasize that you are Liang Shao. Even when Grandfather mistook you for his father-in-law, you still firmly told him that you are Liang Shao. That’s why I have the courage to stand before you today and tell you that I am Xue Shanhe, and that I want a divorce. I know you will understand what I’m saying.”
Shanhe bit her lip; she had so much more to say. For instance, what truly prompted her decision to divorce was a more realistic and tangible reason—Liang Shao's fraught career setbacks. She was someone who had spent too long in the darkness; her eyes were already familiar with it, and therefore she didn't want Liang Shao to stand in the darkness with her. For instance, she was also genuinely grateful to Liang Shao. Without him, without his "unconventional" and "rebellious" nature, she might have already been swallowed by the darkness, becoming a soulless shadow.
Shanhe broke free from Liang Shao's embrace once again. She wiped away all the tears on her face and tried her best to smile at him: "That night you said that arranged marriages are extremely outdated. Ah Shao, if you insist on not divorcing me and insist that I stay here, isn't that an arranged marriage? In just two short years, have you also become a supporter of outdated customs?"
Liang Shao shuddered, collapsing completely to the ground. Those words echoed repeatedly in his mind. Shan He's questioning filled him with shame. He stared at his hands; though clean, they seemed stained with blood. Liang Shao saw his palms brimming with tears. After a long silence, he sniffed hard, wiped away his tears with the back of his hand, abruptly stood up, and said firmly, "Fine, as you wish, a divorce!"
With those words, Shanhe slid off the table leg and fell to the ground.
A note from the author:
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Next chapter: "The Arrogant Little Dog's Forced Takeover"
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