Chapter 298 Letter
Lele, my child:
I don’t know under what circumstances you saw this letter, and I don’t know whether you can see this letter at all.
I didn't even know what I was going to write, but I chose to pick up the pen anyway.
My father has shouldered so many sins in his life that I dare not even speak them out. I can only admit my crimes in this covert and cowardly way.
I coded this letter, perhaps with the idea that it would never see the light of day. If you ever see it one day, please accept my father's apology first.
But you don't have to forgive me.
*
When I wrote this letter, you and Cheng Yi had been taken away for four years.
Your mother has been dead for three years.
The people I love most leave me one by one, and I can only watch them struggling to survive. I don’t even have the courage or chance to die. Maybe this is my retribution.
*
I don't know where to begin, so I'll start with my visit to the British Navy.
When I was drafted into the British Navy from college at the age of twenty, I was the loneliest person both in the academy and in the military cipher group.
I have thought about this countless times, why should I travel across the ocean to study? If I stayed in the mainland, even if I would not have a good development prospect, at least I would not be so lonely.
At that time, no one in the cryptography group liked me because I was Chinese and the youngest. I could only do odd jobs in the cryptography group and had no say.
But my superiors would still scold me and ask me why I had no achievements in the cryptography group.
I suffer and mutilate every day.
I would even hug a stone on the roadside and speak a few words of my native language to it to comfort my soul.
When I was most lonely and helpless, I met Lu Ao.
*
He was 22 years old that year and was a native Chinese. In order to earn more money, he came to Britain as a sailor and by chance he got into the navy and did odd jobs.
That day, I was beaten up by those British guys because I argued with the people in the cipher group about the underlying logic of the decoder.
None of them believed me, and no one looked up to me.
I was beaten to death and thrown outside the laboratory like garbage. At that moment, I really wanted to die. I had had enough of this kind of life.
But at that time, a man appeared in front of me.
He smiled, held out his hand to me, and asked if I needed help.
He said his name was Lu Ao and asked me what my name was.
Use Chinese.
At that moment, I didn’t seem to want to die so much.
So after a long time, I was finally able to speak Chinese to a real person: "Qu Hao."
*
Later we became good friends who could talk about anything.
*
Lu Ao is a natural optimist. I have never seen anyone as cheerful as him.
Come to think of it, the reason I named you Le has something to do with him.
He speaks a bit harshly, but his mind works quickly and he has unique insights into things.
He told me that no matter who dislikes me, I must dislike myself; no matter who does not believe in me, I must stick to my own path.
This sentence undoubtedly took root in my lonely heart.
But it was probably this sentence that ultimately harmed him and many other people.
*
I spent three years in the British Army.
Lu Ao also worked as a handyman there for three years before finally becoming a small sailor.
However, he would occasionally return to the mainland, and I heard that his lover was still there.
But I can't go anywhere.
Three years later, during a mission, I met your mother.
She was very intelligent, and her wisdom radiated from within. She was the smartest woman I had ever met, and I fell hopelessly in love with her.
She told me that she has an older brother who studies cryptography with her, and a very handsome little nephew.
If she could return from England, she would go find them and live with them.
*
Later, your mother became pregnant. Coincidentally, Lu Ao returned from the mainland and also brought the news that his wife was pregnant.
We sat together and happily discussed the baby's name.
I said I would give the child a festive name so that she would be as happy as him.
He said he hadn't decided yet, but would probably choose something related to water, after all, he was a sailor.
He said he wanted a daughter, but a son would be fine too.
I said I wanted a daughter too.
So we agreed that if the children were of the same sex, we would let them become sworn brothers, and if they were of opposite sexes, we would let them get married.
Unfortunately, all these beautiful wishes were ruined because of a mistake made by my father in a moment of thoughtlessness.
*
When I was deciphering the enemy's codes during an operation, I had a serious disagreement with other people in the code group. I felt that there was no way to decipher the enemy's encrypted communications using traditional decryption methods.
But again, no one believed me, and no one was willing to implement my conjecture.
So I secretly added my own code to the decryption unit, and I firmly believed that my guess was correct.
This is why I said earlier that Lu Ao’s words ultimately harmed him.
He and I are like the real-life version of the farmer and the snake.
If it happened again, he would never try to save me who was barely surviving.
*
In fact, my guess was correct, but the coding I used at that time was not fully mature, and the deciphered content could not be self-checked.
By the time I discovered this fatal loophole, it was already too late.
The message has been sent and the fleet has set out from the English Channel to the North Sea.
They received completely wrong information. It was a one-way battle.
*
I ran away, took your mother away for fear of punishment, because I didn't have the courage to face the consequences.
I only kept the code and signed Lu Ao's name on it. If he can come back, I hope that the code can help him gain a foothold in the navy.
I know this is not a remedy at all, it is just a coward's self-psychological comfort.
Two friends who were always together through thick and thin, ended up in an irreversible direction because of my stubborn temptation.
If I had known that Lu Ao was in it, I would never have tampered with the code without permission.
If I hadn't tampered with the code, that action wouldn't have happened.
But there are no ifs.
*
I didn't expect Lu Ao could still find me.
I once described my hometown to him in a casual chat, a village in the valley that cannot be found on the map.
I don’t know how deep down his anger was. Hatred supported and drove him to find my hiding place through those tiny clues.
He found me again four years later, and I thought he was a ghost looking for me to take my life. There was a deep scar running from his face to his chest, as scary as a ghost from hell.
He didn't say it, but I knew that the terrible scar was left to him by that "accident", and it was left to him by me.
He told me that he was the only one who survived that mission.
He was the only one in the entire fleet.
It was the L family who saved him from death, so he began to work for both the gangs and the navy.
When I heard these words, the shame and guilt in my heart began to take over again.
He was completely different from what I remembered, a man who had walked out of the gates of hell and had abandoned everything.
At that moment I knew that it was me who harmed him, and everything I did had completely changed him.
It was me who turned him into that evil spirit.
*
I asked him how his child was doing, whether it was a boy or a girl, and what its name was.
"It's a girl, very beautiful."
He refused to say a word after that, as if he wanted to take revenge on me for such a small matter.
Lele, I'm sorry, you should have had a close friend, but your father lost you.
Dad lost his own and he lost yours too.
*
He came to arrest you on the orders of the sixteen-year-old young master of the L family.
But when I learned that he became a naval lieutenant with the help of the cipher machine I left behind and the support of the L family, I felt relieved.
People like me can only rely on these useless things to comfort myself.
He said he had to take you two, or kill everyone, or take the two children.
He promised me that I would not kill you and would let you live well.
This is the way to save the most people, so I had to agree.
*
Before leaving, I asked him again, does he hate me?
Lu Ao didn't say anything.
He must be full of hatred, so much hatred that he wants to kill me.
But he chose a way of revenge that made it even more painful for me.
He wanted me to watch and see how many people he would involve because of my momentary change of mind before he would let it go.
He succeeded, he was too successful.
He got his revenge perfectly.
But what’s the point?
This battle is a lost cause, no one is a winner.
And I, the one who deserved to die the most, lived the longest.
*
I'm sorry, Lele, Dad is a complete coward.
Lele, my child, I’m sorry to you, I’m sorry to everyone.
I pushed my best brother into the fire with my own hands, and I can't do anything about it.
Four years later, I watched helplessly as he took you and Cheng Yi away.
Your mother died of depression and postpartum complications a year after you left, and I was powerless to stop it.
Your father is an absolute coward. Even this letter and my sins can only be hidden in the dark.
How I wish it wouldn't be discovered, and how I wish it would be discovered.
It's as if my sins would be less if I were discovered.
But I know that it will not be less at all, it will follow me to hell and follow me forever and ever.
*
I love you and I love your mother too.
I know I have no right to say that.
But child, there's only so much I can do to make amends.
I am so selfish. Just like when I wrote this letter, it was just to make myself feel better.
I miss you every day after you left, but I dare not miss you. As a father, I have no right to miss you at all.
I don't ask for your forgiveness, nor do I ask for anyone's forgiveness.
I just hope that if one day the truth comes to light, you can burn a stick of incense for your mother.
She has always loved you and never abandoned you.
Her only mistake in this life was choosing a man like me.
Lele, let me call you this one last time.
May you be happy and have no suffering in your life.
——Qu Hao.
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