Chapter 86: Viciousness and a bowed gaze, body, and soul all intertwined...
Li Xunhuan staggered backward, suddenly losing his strength from those two questions, and ended up sitting on the ground.
It felt as if someone had stabbed his heart, and the old scabs suddenly burst open, releasing a torrent of blood and tears that had brewed years of pain, soaking his clothes in an instant.
He was covered in cold sweat, and his throat felt hoarse and painful as if it had been poisoned.
Even a child understands this principle, yet he harbored this despicable delusion for ten years. In the dead of night, with tears in his eyes, the person he longed to embrace was his elder brother's wife!
Before those innocent cat eyes, all of this seemed so shameful.
He let down his elder brother and Shiyin.
But, but—
Seeing his distraught state and tearful eyes, Niannian felt a dull ache in her heart.
Even a soft knife cutting flesh can hurt so much.
She got out of bed, put on a short jacket, and ran to him, hugging him tightly. She said in a coquettish tone, "Auntie is Uncle's wife, this is not right. Don't carve her anymore, carve me instead."
As she spoke, she nuzzled against his neck, her lips lightly brushing against his skin, subtly probing to cross the line.
Under normal circumstances, Li Xunhuan would definitely have noticed something. But right now, his mind was only focused on—
But she should have been my wife.
Li Xunhuan covered his face with his hands, his heart filled with excruciating pain and regret. His regret was that he should have died on that road in Handan back then.
Only in this way can he repay his elder brother for saving his life, and also repay Shion...
The silver spear saved his life, but it also ripped out his heart.
He burst into tears. Li Xunhuan, that scoundrel, was truly unworthy of Lin Shiyin. How could she possibly have a peaceful day with him?
A hot tear fell onto Niannian's cheek, spreading like wildfire.
This tear was shed for Lin Shiyin.
She stopped her coquettish advances, her fingertips lightly touching the damp spot, and a fiercer fire of jealousy suddenly ignited in her heart. This dark and thick jealousy churned within her, causing her to bite her lip and feign innocence, saying, "Uncle Li, why don't you want to? Am I not pretty enough?"
He didn't answer; all he could hear was his own heavy breathing.
Niannian flicked her eyelashes, suddenly pulled a wooden carving from her sleeve, examined it closely, and said mischievously, "It's clearly more beautiful carved out of the box..."
The wooden sculpture wore a long-sleeved butterfly skirt, its hair styled in a low bun, exuding gentleness and elegance. Yet, carved on its face were a pair of large, round cat eyes with extremely long eyelashes, youthful and innocent—nian Nian's face.
Li Xunhuan's body was already trembling. This was the dress Shiyin wore on the day they confessed their feelings to each other when they were young. They were childhood sweethearts, innocent and carefree, but even after all these years, he still remembered this dress.
Yet now, the butterfly skirt remains, his heart remains, but everything has changed. Even the wooden carving has had its face erased, as if heaven is trying to erase his past, the very thing he relied on for survival.
He heard himself say in a trembling voice, "Who taught you to touch my things?"
Upon hearing this, he felt as if he had found a lifeline. If he kept asking, he wouldn't have to answer those embarrassing questions. If he kept asking, he could make himself, as an elder who was both a teacher and a father, appear whole.
Perhaps his heart and lungs were damaged, he suddenly started coughing, coughing so hard that he almost vomited tears.
Li Xunhuan, breathing heavily, said, "Get out."
These two words sound both like a rebuke and a plea.
Niannian's heart ached as if it were being squeezed. She pinched her fingertips until they turned white and said aggrievedly, "You're the one who made the mistake, why should I leave?"
Even as she said this, she stood up, covered her face, and ran into the night. In the blink of an eye, she disappeared from sight.
Li Xunhuan collapsed to the ground, his eyes blankly staring at the roof. Endless darkness enveloped him, swallowing him whole like a swamp, leaving not even bones behind in the blink of an eye.
When will this desolate night finally end?
Nian Nian clutched her chest, expressionless, and threw the wooden carving in her palm into the water. The splash from this outburst was nearly as tall as a person.
She glared at the water, then turned and walked away.
Lin Shiyin, Lin Shiyin. If she dared to think of Lin Shiyin again, she...
Thinking of this, she suddenly stopped in her tracks.
Even though she was unwilling, she could only admit that Li Xunhuan's martial arts skills were unfathomable, while she herself only had a fierce determination.
She could only depend on him, please him, and learn to act coy and fawn over him like a dog.
She was too weak. It was this weakness that caused her pain and anger.
Life is a hunting ground, and the weak are only left to be chewed up and devoured. She can never be subservient; she must control him, dominate him, and possess him.
If he dares to wag his tail at someone else, she'll strangle him.
Her thoughts grew increasingly extreme, yet her blood pounded with a feverish tremor. She had long known she was a madwoman, but for a madwoman, finding happiness was always easy.
The first step is to retrieve 'it'.
She knew that 'it' was hidden inside her body, lurking beneath her skin, swimming in her blood, and had never left.
All it takes is a trigger, a trigger to awaken it.
However, she intuitively felt that this was far from enough.
One more step is needed to ensure that Li Xunhuan and she are forever entangled, their gazes, bodies, and souls intertwined.
As she walked forward, she pondered, secretly resenting that no one had taught her such an important thing.
Just as I was feeling restless, a rustling sound suddenly came from the grass not far away.
A faint moan drifted over, and Nian Nian's pupils darted around. She clutched the copper bell on her wrist and bent down to hide behind the bushes.
Before me was a dress covered in wrinkles, with beads of sweat dripping down it, soaking through a large area.
That woman was beautiful in every way; her captivating eyes shone with effortless ease and joy. All because the man opposite her was completely captivated by her.
But she still said sweetly, "Because of you... I have fallen in love with you."
"I...I've loved you so much I'd be willing to die for you." The man's clear eyes were filled with a hazy, blissful infatuation as he kissed her as if in a trance.
His body was still free, but his heart was already tightly bound and could no longer break free.
Love and desire are the strongest shackles in the world.
Niannian hid behind them, staring at them intently without blinking. As she watched, a smile crept onto her lips.
Then came her teacher.
The dim moonlight fell on the courtyard, and Li Xunhuan knew it was very late without even looking up at the moon.
Who taught him to face the lonely moon every night? It would be hard not to know.
It was already so late at night, and Niannian had run away in a huff but hadn't returned yet. Even though Li Xunhuan still hadn't figured out how to face her, he was, after all, her elder, and couldn't put her safety aside for his own sake.
He's no longer young; the years have brought him more than just gray hair and fine lines. What elderly person would hold a grudge against a child?
Niannian ran out alone wearing only a thin coat. Her chilblains had not yet healed, and if she got cold again, she would probably suffer even more.
She was so afraid of pain...
Perhaps—she ran into his room tonight because of the frostbite festering on her back. But she never expected to discover such a shameful thing.
Li Xunhuan's eyes darkened. He did this, so why can't others say anything?
These few words of self-reflection had already wounded him deeply. Yet, when he thought back on them, he felt a deep sense of guilt towards her.
That's just how he is; he always feels like he's let others down.
Xingyun Manor is not Li Garden; it is now home to many hypocrites who appear virtuous but are actually virtuous. Given Nian Nian's temperament, if she were to utter any vulgarities in her speech, things could easily turn out badly.
He had promised to discipline and care for her, and he would keep his word. If anything were to happen to her because of this, he would probably never be able to forgive himself for the rest of his life.
Thinking of this, Li Xunhuan could no longer sit still.
He lifted the fox fur cloak beside him, lightly leaped away with a tap of his toes.
He coughed the whole way, searching almost every place she could have gone, but still couldn't find her.
His breath hitched, and his heart leaped into his throat. His thoughts raced, and he could only hope that she had already secretly run back.
He darted three zhang away and then sped off towards Tingzhu Pavilion.
The night was cool and still, and the courtyard remained deathly silent.
Li Xunhuan suddenly breathed a sigh of relief, because the little one who had been worrying him was curled up in a corner, sitting obediently with her knees drawn up to her chest. There was a bowl in front of her, and with her thin clothes and frostbite on her face, she looked like a pitiful little beggar.
His heart softened instantly, but recalling his earlier anxiety and worry, he couldn't help but furrow his brow.
He strode over and stood before Niannian, the rebukes stuck in his throat.
Because the little beggar's broken bowl was filled with a full bowl of still-steaming hangover soup.
Two emotions welled up in her chest, twisted into a knot of even thickness. One wanted to discipline her sternly, scolding her for running out at night, what if she encountered danger, what if she got frostbite?
The other one only wanted to gently comfort her and coax her.
He had never had a daughter, or even any descendants. During those ten years beyond the Great Wall, only Tie Chuanjia stayed by his side. He had absolutely no idea how to treat her.
Niannian is stubborn, and being too strict with her is not good. But Niannian is also naturally unruly, and being too gentle might spoil her. Li Xunhuan suddenly realized that finding a balance between the two was such a difficult thing.
He sighed deeply, sat down with her at the door, and tossed her the fox fur cloak he was holding.
Sometimes, silence is a form of submission.
Niannian remained silent, staring intently at the steps before her as if they were gold.
After a long while, she reached out and quietly moved the hangover soup in front of her toward him.
He was probably already drinking wine in his blood, but seeing the brown soup swaying in front of him, Li Xunhuan revealed an indescribable smile, picked it up and drank it.
He held the teacup as if it were a wine glass, which was quite elegant, but unfortunately, after only two big gulps, he started coughing again.
Niannian glanced at him and simply tossed him her fox fur cloak.
A snow-white cloak, like a blanket, fell all over him. Li Xunhuan smiled helplessly and said, "Are you some kind of celestial being? Aren't you cold wearing such thin clothes? How did you get frostbite? Don't you remember?"
Niannian turned her head away from him, but secretly moved her feet toward him until she hid inside the cloak that covered him and nestled peacefully against his chest.
The warmth of blood, the aroma of medicine, and the scent of wine mingled together, layered with bitter tears and lingering sorrow, forming this tender, grounded, yet broken embrace.
This is Li Xunhuan's embrace.
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