Chapter 98 Despicable Fear and Defilement
The tilted suspension bridge collapsed completely. He made a grave mistake, causing the two of them to fall into the abyss with no way out.
Li Xunhuan curled up on the bed in agony, his emerald green eyes brimming with tears. His lungs were dry and suffocating, as if ice shards were blocking his nasal cavity and lungs, and then forming icy blades that twisted and writhed inside his body.
How exactly did we get to this point step by step?
And he... and he... Li Xunhuan.
What face does a shameless beast have to live?
His pale fingertips dug deep into his palm, and fear and a sense of separation swept over him again. The chaotic memories in his mind almost tore him into two completely different people.
This sin became the final stone that broke his back.
Hot tears streamed down his wrinkled eyes and into the back of his ears. He coughed until his cheeks turned a sickly red. The red spider lilies, nourished by his blood, struggled to break through his flesh.
Niannian's heart clenched completely at the sight of his tears. She bit her lower lip, but still couldn't help bending down to wipe away his tears.
The older man had been a crybaby since he was a child, so she just let him be.
Her fingertips touched the crease at the corner of his eye, tears mingling with the damp strands of hair as they streamed through her palms. She softened her voice, "Uncle, please don't cry, okay?"
Li Xunhuan averted his gaze from her peck, his cold, large hand already gripping her slender wrist tightly, not allowing her to cross the line again.
His eyes were tightly closed, but his hands, which were holding the throwing knife, trembled uncontrollably.
Li Xunhuan was unwilling to open his eyes, nor was he able to.
The bruises and red marks all over her body were caused by him, so how could she open her eyes?
Niannian curled her hands, her gaze falling on his knuckles, which were white from gripping so tightly, and said in a hoarse voice, "I love you so much, can't you love me too?"
Why is it so difficult?
Li Xunhuan took a deep breath and said in a trembling voice, "How could I love you? I am your..."
Unable to speak any further, he bit his tongue, swallowed the blood, and said in a hoarse voice, "This is not love, this is sin."
As his body swayed, the muscles in his wrists contracted, and the crimson rope tightened as it swayed.
He suddenly reached out, intending to rip the red rope, which symbolized incest, completely.
The thin red rope suddenly tightened, digging deep into his flesh and grinding against his wrist bone.
Niannian pinched his engorged wrist and said, word by word, "Uncle, I'm already your woman. Even if it's a sin, it can't be changed."
Li Xunhuan was stung by the words in her speech, his heart clenched, and his pupils trembled as he stammered, "...You're crazy."
How can such a shameful act that violates ethics and moral principles be repeated?
Niannian suddenly raised her head, raised her eyebrows, and said, "Giving the person you love to someone else, who's crazier than you?"
"My love is possession. A crazy person like you who is not in his right mind deserves a crazy person like me who is selfish and self-serving."
Li Xunhuan said sadly, "You know perfectly well that the person I love is Shiyin. I've wronged you, but—"
Niannian pinched his chin tightly, interrupting him with a laugh: "You, this chivalrous hero who values loyalty and righteousness, do you really love her that much? She's nothing more than your puppet."
Li Xunhuan's pupils contracted, his spine tensed painfully, and he said hoarsely, "Shut up!"
He and his cousin were childhood sweethearts. Putting aside their love, as the eldest brother, he was like a father to her; how could he allow her to defile him?
Niannian raised her voice and said, "Did I say something wrong? In your heart, chivalry and family honor are far more important than Lin Shiyin. People's hearts are so blurred that even you can't see through them. The wooden box is full, so you chose to give one thing up. Guess what you chose?"
He clenched his fists, suppressing the tearing pain in his heart, and choked out, "My elder brother saved my life. He was bedridden because of Shiyin and was about to die... How could I stand by and do nothing?"
Nian Nian sneered, "Why should Uncle deceive himself? My good uncle is truly hypocritical, hating and envying you. Uncle has lost his father and brothers, and he cannot use this villain Long Xiaoyun as a substitute for their support."
Li Xunhuan's face suddenly turned pale, as if someone had ripped off his mask and struck him on the head.
How could he not guess that the Plum Blossom Thief of Xingyun Manor was Long Xiaoyun's doing? He just didn't want to expose it, much less blame his elder brother.
His life was saved by his elder brother, and besides...
He murmured, “My elder brother has been kind to me. It is I who have wronged him and Shiyin. He blames me and resents me, but I have no complaints. It is I who have disturbed their peaceful and beautiful life. I have done nothing but harm others.”
Tears streamed down his face again, and by the end of his sentence, he was trembling so much that he could barely speak.
Ten years have passed, and everything has changed. He is trapped in the past, and all he can do is pretend that all is well.
Niannian took a deep breath; he was like a piece of water, about to cry after saying just a few words.
Nian Nian suppressed the urge to wipe away his tears and said coldly, "So you're using Lin Shiyin to repay your debt? Making her a sacrifice for your brotherhood?"
These words tightened around his organs like a bone whip covered in steel spikes, causing Li Xunhuan to cry out in pain for a moment.
He took a long time to find his voice, and said weakly, "I'm just an alcoholic, womanizing playboy. I... I'm not good enough for Shiyin, nor do I deserve happiness. She's with my older brother; it's better than me..."
He closed his eyes in anguish, unsure how to continue.
Niannian looked at him, tormented by pain and guilt to the point of being unrecognizable, and felt a sharp pain in her heart. After a long while, she lowered her eyes and said, "You distanced yourself from Lin Shiyin and abused and destroyed yourself, but you did so in the name of sacrifice, turning Long Xiaoyun and Lin Shiyin into your puppets."
"Long Xiaoyun will owe you a debt in front of outsiders for the rest of his life, but as long as Uncle hides in his turtle shell, he will always be the chivalrous and unparalleled Li Tanhua, and everyone will call him a loyal and righteous man."
She knelt on the bed, pressing herself closer to him step by step, and said slowly, "You neither love yourself nor Lin Shiyin that much. For ten years, all you've loved is the happy past, the love and soul you gave."
"What you can't escape is not love, but guilt."
These heart-wrenching words were like a cleaver that cleaved him in two, leaving him bloodied and broken. Li Xunhuan wanted to laugh, but found that what covered his bones was nothing but a lump of rotten flesh.
He wanted to argue, but his throat was already congested with blood. He couldn't swallow it or spit it out; it just stuck there, making him feel like he was living a life worse than death.
Niannian took his hand, the cold sweat making her palms tingle. She warmed it with her burning cheeks and whispered, "Even if you had feelings for her when you were young, your feelings can't compare to your family responsibilities and reputation in the martial arts world. After Uncle Li and Brother Xunle died, you are simply unable to bear this relationship and Lin Shiyin's future."
Bearing the honor of "seven Jinshi (successful candidates in the highest imperial examinations) from one family, and three Tanhua (third-place scholars in the imperial examinations) from father to son," Li Xunhuan had to be perfect. In the martial arts world, chivalry and righteousness have always been highly valued, and he carried another heavy burden on his shoulders.
Unfortunately, Lin Shiyin was a delicate woman raised in seclusion, her future and her entire life dependent on her husband. But could he truly shoulder the responsibility for her life?
Everyone thought that Li Xunhuan's flying dagger was invincible, but little did they know that although the blade of this flying dagger looked as sharp as frost and snow, the hilt held in the palm of the hand was already full of cracks.
“Uncle, I know you were already exhausted. So you ran away, and she ran away too.” She suddenly laughed and asserted, “Two cowards can’t stay together. Even without Long Xiaoyun, you wouldn’t have had a good ending.”
Overwhelmed by fear, pressure, and cowardice, Li Xunhuan could only escape by self-destruction.
The young scholar's "Little Li Flying Dagger" was nothing more than a puppet bound by the code of chivalry, with the strings that held him up being the distorted concept of chivalry.
Li Xunhuan had long been castrated; his family and the martial world were sharpening their knives together, and Long Xiaoyun handed the knife to him. He himself took the plunge, entrusting Lin Shiyin to Long Xiaoyun, chopping himself up and castrating himself to fit the mold.
Her delicate fingertips traced the fine lines at the corners of his eyes as she murmured sweetly, "When you first met me, you put yourself in the position of my father. This is because after your father and brother died, the Li family and Lin Shiyin became your responsibilities. Poor you had to be a 'father' since you were young, bearing all the burdens."
"In that nightmare, the rusty throwing knife on the desk, was that Uncle himself, right?"
She hugged the back of his neck tenderly, rubbing against him like a cat courting its love, and said coquettishly, "I'm so heartbroken, my heart is being torn apart."
She pulled his stiff hand to her heart, and her soft, pounding heart trembled in his palm.
Li Xunhuan's empty eyes narrowed instantly, and he desperately tried to pull his hand back, but the red rope held him firmly in place.
Niannian leaned down, gazing into his eyes, and said, "Everyone has a shadow, hidden in their soul, lying beneath their feet, afraid to let anyone discover it. I've long known that you're a coward, but I like you just the way you are, sometimes despicable, sometimes weak."
Her dark pupils were like the smallest mirror in the world, reflecting Lin Shiyin's tearful and disappointed figure as she left, while her right eye showed their current dirty state—the bedding was crumpled up in a ball, damp with water. Everyone said they were father and daughter, but his hand was pressed against her snow-white skin.
Just moments ago, they committed a shameless and despicable act.
It was as if molten iron was being poured down his eyelids. In the scalding pain, he seemed to vaguely see his face covered with mottled rust spots—brown, uneven patches, the age spots that had accumulated over the years.
His heart suddenly collapsed, crumbling along with the barbs onto his spine, shattering into pieces.
Those youthful, innocent eyes still gazed at him with bright, innocent eyes. Her cheeks flushed, and she said with burning eyes, "You can be cowardly, you can run away. Uncle, I will protect you as I would protect myself."
"You don't have to be the eternally perfect Li Xunhuan, nor do you have to abide by those Jianghu rules that you don't want to follow but are powerless to resist. If anyone dares to speak ill of you behind your back, I will pull out their tongue and break their teeth."
Her eyelashes trembled slightly, as if trying to hold up an oil-paper umbrella for her eyes.
Those dark, lustrous eyes, like plum blossoms, have reflected countless versions of him: Li Xunhuan who ate a basket of raw plums for her when he was seven, Li Xunhuan who carried her to the lantern festival when he was thirteen, Li Xunhuan whose ears turned bright red after she stole a kiss from him when he was sixteen, Li Xunhuan who secretly wrote a marriage contract when he was seventeen and almost got caught, and Li Xunhuan who married her when he was eighteen...
But what's reflected in those eyes now is the already aged Li Xunhuan.
This is Li Xunhuan, weakened by hardship and with a cracked heart. She is still a tender fruit just sprouting on a plum tree branch, while he has grown into a withered, decaying tree.
Her youth was a blank sheet of paper waiting to be written on, while for him, as ink was stained on this blank sheet, his black hair would turn gray, fine lines would creep across his cheeks, and his skin would become increasingly loose until wrinkles rose and brown patches appeared.
Time will not be kind to him just because he was a young scholar and a master of flying daggers. Even though time has not yet cleaved his body like a knife, it is as inescapable and unavoidable as death.
The fear of aging washed over him like a tidal wave, and only then did he realize how terrible it was to lose the handsomeness he had never cherished.
His stomach was cramping, and he could hear his bones groaning.
She leaned down, naked, and pressed herself against his chest, demanding an answer.
But the rope had already tightened around his neck, and his throat had long since become completely necrotic from the sharp, suffocating pain.
After a long silence, Nian Nian suddenly smiled, looked up at him, and said, "Uncle, your heart is beating so fast."
Those tear-filled eyes trembled slightly, and Li Xunhuan suddenly realized that he was far more cowardly, despicable, and wretched than she had described.
Sin has taken root, and the four principles of propriety, righteousness, integrity, and shame have finally become the swords wielded against oneself; all the ugliness of the world is laid bare before one's eyes.
Li Xunhuan, what face do you still have left to live?
Why don't you just die?
He should have died alone beyond the Great Wall ten years ago. Wrapped in a straw mat, buried in a mass grave, so that no one would know that the scoundrel Li Xunhuan was dead.
Only in this way can he avoid tarnishing the family's reputation, and even more so, avoid tarnishing hers.
Niannian snuggled into the crook of his neck, her arms wrapping around him like vines, her voice sweet as honey, "Uncle, do you like me a little bit too?"
Li Xunhuan gave a smile that was more like a grimace. His lips moved for a long time before he calmly said, "You are very affectionate towards me, but unfortunately you are too young. I have no interest in children. The person I love has always been Lin Shiyin."
Niannian raised her head, her eyes fixed on him, a slight smile on her lips, and said gently, "If you dare mention her again, I'll tie her to the bedside and let her see how you pry open 'your own daughter's' legs."
She lowered her eyes and kissed his tear-streaked eyelashes. "Don't go and torment your aunt anymore. Torture me, Uncle. I'm tough. I'm not afraid of being tormented by you."
A violent cough erupted from deep within his chest without warning, and before he could finish speaking, he suddenly coughed up blood.
The bright red blood fell like ice onto Niannian's lips, making her shiver.
The smell of blood filled her nostrils. She suddenly stood up and saw that Li Xunhuan's whole body was trembling, the veins on his neck were bulging under his skin, and his already pale face was flushed with a sickly red, making him look like a lifeless paper effigy.
Niannian gripped his hand tightly, frantically wiping the sweat from his forehead, and stammered, "Uncle...you..."
She was so frightened that her mind went blank. After catching her breath, she grabbed onto the last straw and murmured, "Medicine... Uncle, don't be afraid, I'll go find the medicine."
Her legs went weak, and she stumbled and ran outside while tying the ties on her clothes.
Li Xunhuan's face was pale and his cheeks were flushed. He stared at her back with his lifeless eyes.
Fine beads of sweat trickled down his brow bone, falling like sparks into his eyes, burning him so much that he gave a self-deprecating laugh.
He gripped the bedsheet tightly, about to grit his teeth and get up, when his palm sank into a damp, wrinkled piece of silk, with round, fine beads pressing against it.
He lowered his eyes and, with trembling hands, lifted the quilt.
In the still-warm bed, the small bib was crumpled into a ball, the delicately embroidered pearls scattered all over the bed, the bright red turned rusty from the dampness.
On the bed sheet, which was covered in water stains, there were still some red plum blossoms.
Suddenly, all his strength was exhausted, and he could only curl up in pain, letting sin and evil drag him completely into the deep sea.
During the long period of drowning, he seemed to see himself holding a sharp knife, stabbing Niannian until she bled profusely.
The mandarin ducks embroidered on the bib kept twisting and changing in his eyes until they turned into the words "worse than animals".
How dare he?
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