Chapter 109 I will be your servant. I won't let go of your hand, but you can...
'I've forgotten it all.'
Li Xunhuan's heart skipped a beat. A muffled murmur shoved into his ears, completely churning his mind. A buzzing sound filled his ears; her lips moved constantly, but he couldn't hear a single word.
He was filled with only one thought: if it weren't for all the past events caused by the love potion, how could she have fallen in love with him?
Without the eighteen years of companionship under the plum tree, without the tender moments intertwined by the red thread in the courtyard, to her, he was just a stranger whose age was unknown.
How can a middle-aged man possibly move a woman's heart?
A heavy feeling of detachment gripped his heart, causing him to lift his head. He gasped, panicked, "How could I forget...we already—"
Niannian interrupted him, as if she knew what he was going to say, and said coldly, "So what? It's unimportant, I don't want to remember it at all."
How could it be something insignificant?
Li Xunhuan suddenly fell silent, standing frozen in place, staring into her eyes that were devoid of any emotion, his heart suddenly giving way.
He didn't ask her for anything; if all he felt was disgust and loathing, he would find a secluded place to end his life and avenge her.
But she had completely forgotten everything from the past...
If—if he couldn't get an answer that would leave him with no regrets, how could he be content?
Li Xunhuan, his eyes red, tried to steady his breathing, only to find that all his senses had failed him. For the first time in his life, he desperately wanted to beg another person not to stand idly by.
His voice trembled as he said haltingly, "Niannian, I will never force you. But you can't forget... If you forget, what will happen to Niannian then?"
What about me?
Niannian scoffed, "You think you can force me?"
She leaned back slightly against the tree trunk, her gaze casually sweeping over the fine lines around his eyes, and said nonchalantly, "Besides, even if I were under a love spell, I would never fall for you. You..."
She paused, then said in a light, seemingly hesitant yet malicious tone, "You're almost old and dying, aren't you?"
Li Xunhuan was indeed no longer young, but as the saying goes, "At thirty, one stands firm; at forty, one is free from doubt," he was still in his prime. In the past, if he had heard such absurd words, he would have simply laughed it off.
But at this moment, her gaze felt like thorns piercing into every fine line of his face. Meeting those still-childish cat eyes, he suddenly felt utterly ashamed.
He dared not look directly at them, and could only lower his head, palely concealing his weariness. Only the sound of his own breathing remained in his ears, wet and heavy, intermittent, like a muffled cough coming from his chest.
Niannian didn't even look at him, seemingly bored, and turned around to leave him behind. Her light blue-green robes swirled lightly, like the fluttering wings of a butterfly, and in the blink of an eye, she was about to disappear from sight.
Li Xunhuan's heart clenched, and he instinctively reached out and tightly grasped it in his palm.
The cool, damp sweat seeped into the corner of his clothes, spreading a dark green stain. He stared at that dark patch, and suddenly a pair of deep, unfathomable eyes flashed before his eyes.
...The toast he received, the provocative sarcasm, and the repeated phrase "I will never fall in love" kept replaying in my mind.
Doesn't he know whether she has feelings for him or not?
—That chaotic pharmacy had already provided the answer.
He seemed to have found his anchor in an instant, clutching at a lifeline as he said in a shaky voice, "It was Xi Rao, he erased your memories. He knew..."
Nian Nian brushed his hand away, lifted her eyelashes, and said, "So what if Senior Brother kept it from me?"
Her voice was colder than ice as she said, word by word, "You think I care?"
Tears welled up in the fine lines at the corners of his eyes, threatening to spill over. His voice held a hint of pleading: "Niannian, don't forget me... You can hate me or despise me however you want, just don't forget me."
With a tear threatening to fall, Nian Nian twirled it around the end of her hair and said teasingly, "But Senior Brother will be unhappy."
Li Xunhuan swallowed the bitterness in his heart and said in a gloomy voice, "...He is not a good man. On the contrary, he is a villain who does not care about your wishes. There is no guarantee that he will not hurt you in the future. He is not a good match."
His words were undoubtedly driven by self-interest. Xi Rao was obsessive and ruthless, but Nian Nian was no saint either. Like a venomous snake meeting a vicious dog, anyone in that situation would probably sigh and say they were a perfect match.
But only today did he realize that the biggest feeling he had when he fell in love with someone was anxiety and fear.
Even though he knew that Niannian was far from being "weak and easily bullied," he could never stop worrying about her.
In his heart, she will always only be a tiny little thing.
He couldn't trust anyone to take her in.
Perhaps it was because he had just seen through Long Xiaoyun's true colors that he realized how well people could disguise themselves without revealing any flaws, that he had also misjudged people, and that people could change.
To this day, he still refuses to speculate with ulterior motives about Long Xiaoyun, the one who picked up the silver spear to save him, treated his wounds with all his might, and escorted him home.
He still wants to believe that the moment was genuine, and had nothing to do with anything else.
But people can change. Human hearts are not as eternal as mountains and rocks; they can change so much in just a few years that they are unrecognizable, which frightens him.
He suddenly felt that he could not trust any man in the world.
He trusts no one.
Xi Rao is indeed a promising young man with a connection to Taoism and immortality, but didn't he also hold the same naive idea ten years ago?
Because of this thought, he endured ten years of suffering. Should he continue to suffer for the rest of his life?
Ten years ago, he misjudged Long Xiaoyun.
Ten years later, how could he dare to repeat the same mistake?
Li Xunhuan clearly heard his own heart's voice; he absolutely did not want to become someone else's mistress.
He no longer wavered, letting the surging power within his body feed back into his heart.
This power has always stemmed from the violent and surging love of youth, but he was twenty years too late.
Li Xunhuan took a deep breath, his expression so serious it was as if he were swearing an oath before all the gods and Buddhas: "You can't leave, you can take my life or not. I don't want anything else, from now on I will only live for you."
“I won’t let go of your hand, but you can kill me.”
As he spoke, he gripped her hand tightly in the cold wind, holding it firmly for a moment, not daring to let go.
The rough, thin cocoon was embedded tightly in the snow-white, soft flesh, causing waves of red to appear.
Nian Nian frowned, instinctively pulled her hand away, but couldn't budge it.
With hot tears welling up in his eyes, he gazed at her intently, every bloodshot vein in his eyes seeming to say—don't leave me.
He looked utterly pathetic at that moment, completely losing the dignified and unrestrained demeanor of a martial arts master. He looked like a dog struggling to crawl out of the mud, his face clearly saying, "I will take whatever I want from you."
—It inspires endless wicked thoughts in people who see it.
Nian Nian's pupils shifted slightly, her grip loosened abruptly, and she drawled, "But have you ever considered that you... are worthy?"
She laughed, saying leisurely, "At your age, even if you're somewhat beautiful, you're only fit to be my puppet. And you dare..."
Her eyes were full of malice, but before she could utter any more humiliating words, he interrupted her weakly.
"good."
His throat felt like it was filled with sand, his voice was hoarse and dry, but there was not a trace of reluctance in his reddened eyes.
Since they met, he has given her, and had been able to give her, so little.
He would do anything she wanted, without hesitation.
Niannian fell silent, staring at him expressionlessly.
In the long silence, Li Xunhuan repeatedly realized how terrified he was of her indifference. He even reminisced about the feeling of his body and mind uncontrollably collapsing little by little in the hell of immorality.
No moment had made him realize more clearly than this: he wanted to be entangled with Nian Nian forever, their eyes, temples, bones and flesh completely intertwined, like twin green vines growing from thorns, inseparable.
He even began to fear that she would lose the obsession that stemmed from him.
He was forced to speak by the hidden fear and bitterness in his heart, and suddenly said, "It's okay if you forget me."
Li Xunhuan had to admit that he had lied.
He never prayed to the wind for the past.
He had always been trapped in a cycle of loss: losing his mother, his father, his brother... The helplessness and fear of loss were his constant companions. The word 'loss' was sharper than any blade in the world; even Li Xunhuan's flying dagger had long since succumbed to its edge.
Ten years ago, he despicably tried to control the 'loss' itself in order to make himself less miserable.
This was the only time he was willing to relinquish control to Nian Nian, giving back all the anxiety he had carried throughout his life.
Li Xunhuan looked at her quietly, his face pale, and said, "I know I am despicable, ordinary, full of lifelessness, and delusional, but I love you. I cannot lose you. You can abandon me time and time again, just like you would abandon a puppet that can be found anywhere."
He can never be younger than he is now; prolonging the prelude to loss is itself a form of giving.
All he asked for was for things to go slower, just a little slower.
Niannian rarely paused, her dark plum-colored eyes sweeping across his face as she stabbed him, "Do you think my puppet can be any person?"
Her words were truly difficult. Wasn't Little Li Flying Dagger worthy of being your puppet? Li Xunhuan pursed his lips. She was full of thorns, and he really had no way to deal with her.
Niannian curled her lip, secretly calling her an idiot, but on her face she put on a smile that seemed to be enjoying the show, and said in a drawn-out voice, "Go and take the Twin-Winged Blade, and I'll give you that chance."
She changed the subject, "If you can't take it, you can only become my servant, subservient to me, at my beck and call..."
"Okay. Whatever you say."
He suddenly laughed, a tear falling from the corner of his eye, the laughter filling his wrinkles completely.
Whether it's being the target of public criticism or facing perilous situations, it doesn't matter.
Suddenly, Niannian felt it was meaningless.
She wouldn't have bothered with him if it weren't to humiliate him. But this man was like water; whatever you threw into him would sink to the bottom without a sound.
Shameless, how boring.
She turned around with a cold face and strode into the yard.
After a while, she heard slow, steady footsteps behind her. She turned around with dark eyes and an unfriendly expression, saying, "What are you doing following me?"
He paused for a few breaths, his tightly pursed lips parted slightly, and he spoke cautiously: "...to be your servant."
Niannian raised her eyelashes and said sarcastically, "I really underestimated you. You're quite willing to risk everything to save your own life."
Li Xunhuan remained silent, standing there, feeling utterly helpless.
She glared at him and said coldly, "If you keep talking, I'll kill you right now."
His throat was dry, and he stared intently at her: "You said you would give me a chance to take the knife away."
He lowered his eyes, his voice low and hoarse with a hint of pleading: "Liars will become dogs under the eaves."
Continue read on readnovelmtl.com