Xiao Che returned to Kunning Palace almost in a panic, carrying a pile of random books and folk remedies.
The "sweet panic" on his face had not completely faded, and he was still immersed in the huge shock that "raising children is more difficult than governing a country." As soon as he entered the room, he saw Lin Wanwan leaning on the soft couch, smiling at him.
"Your Majesty, did you... go to the court and come back from a market?" Lin Wanwan looked at the pile of miscellaneous items in his arms, including a crumpled copy of "The Enlightenment of the Three Hundred Thousand Characters," and couldn't help but tease him, "You've had quite a haul."
Upon hearing this, Xiao Che blushed and casually tossed the pile of "ministers' sentiments" to the eunuch behind him, still stubbornly saying, "Nonsense! This is the ministers' concern for the country, and I... am only listening reluctantly."
As he spoke, he habitually walked over and sat down next to Lin Wanwan, wanting to hold her hand, but his gaze suddenly froze when he looked at her.
His gaze was fixed on the square table made of precious rosewood next to the soft couch.
The sharp, angular corners of the table gleamed with a dangerous and cold light in the afternoon sun.
Just yesterday, he thought this square table was simple and elegant. But now, in the eyes of this "new dad-to-be," it's not just a table corner; it's a sharp blade drawn from its sheath, a ferocious beast poised to pounce!
What if... what if I accidentally bump into it when I get up at night?
Once this thought arose, it was like lighting a fuse, and Xiao Che's nerve called "pregnancy anxiety" completely exploded!
He suddenly stood up, his mind flashing wildly through the jumbled "advice" from the old ministers and countless terrifying possibilities he had imagined.
Something's not right!
The entire Kunning Palace is filled with deadly danger!
"Guards!" Xiao Che's expression instantly turned extremely solemn, his voice carrying an undeniable authority.
Li Dequan, the chief eunuch of Kunning Palace, scrambled in, thinking something terrible had happened. He immediately knelt down and said, "This servant is here!"
Xiao Che didn't even glance at him. He pointed a finger at the sandalwood table as if facing a formidable enemy and ordered sharply, "Move this away! No! In the entire Kunning Palace, all tables and chairs with sharp corners, immediately! Right now! Replace them all with rounded corners! If there's no time to replace them, wrap them in the thickest, softest brocade, layer upon layer! Not a single corner is allowed to show!"
Li Dequan was completely dumbfounded. He stared wide-eyed at the small table, utterly unable to comprehend His Majesty's reasoning. Why...why is His Majesty so obsessed with tables and chairs?
Lin Wanwan was also stunned. She was about to say that it was not necessary, but Xiao Che's gaze turned to another place.
It was a celadon-glazed Yuhuchun vase placed by the window, with several budding winter plum blossoms inserted inside, extremely elegant.
However, in Xiao Che's eyes, this priceless antique vase was now more dangerous than the Regent's rebel army!
In his mind, an absurd and terrifying image had already surfaced: Wanwan suddenly had a craving and wanted to taste what the vase tasted like, but she accidentally knocked it over, shards flying everywhere, cutting her foot...
This chain of logic may be absurd to the point of being laughable, but the fear it evokes is very real!
"And that!" Xiao Che's voice trembled slightly. "And all of these! These!" He pointed to everything in the hall that could be called "porcelain" and issued his second incomprehensible order, "All vases, ornaments, tea sets... anything that can break, remove them all! Leave not a single one! Lock them all in the storeroom!"
Li Dequan's jaw nearly dropped to the floor. He stammered, "Your Majesty... if all of this is removed, what will the Empress use for tea...?"
"Use gold! Use silver! Use jade!" Xiao Che roared without hesitation. "In short, I forbid any more fragments that could harm the Empress from appearing in Kunning Palace!"
He paused, seemingly feeling that this reason was not sufficient, and then added an explanation that left everyone speechless: "What if... what if the Empress wants to taste it and accidentally knocks it over?"
Upon hearing this, the entire side hall fell into a deathly silence.
Even Lin Wanwan stared at him in disbelief, momentarily at a loss for words. Taste the vase? How could he even think of that!
But Xiao Che's "major safety overhaul" campaign has only just begun.
His gaze fell again on the soft, comfortable Persian carpet on the floor.
He walked over, stepped on it himself, and then frowned.
"Too thin! Too stiff!" he said decisively. "If I roll off the bed like this, won't I get hurt?"
As he spoke, he issued his third order to Li Dequan, who was on the verge of tears: "Issue my decree to immediately gather the best blankets from the imperial treasury and add two more layers to the bedchamber! No! Three layers! The thickness must be... well, it must be thick enough that even if the Empress rolls off the bed, she will be unharmed and might even bounce back up!"
Li Dequan had given up thinking. He just kowtowed numbly to receive the decree, with only one thought in his mind: It's over, His Majesty has gone mad.
Just as chaos was raging inside the Kunning Palace, a clear and melodious bird song came from the direction of the Imperial Garden outside the window.
This was a rare moment of vitality and elegance in winter.
However, to Xiao Che's ears, it sounded like decadent music that disturbed the "dragon fetus"!
"So noisy!" he waved his hand irritably. "Where did this feathered beast come from, daring to make such a racket and disturb my Empress and my unborn child!"
His anxiety disorder has now completely escalated from the physical realm to the metaphysical realm!
He strode out of the hall and, addressing the commander of the imperial guards who had rushed to the scene, issued his fourth and most outrageous order:
"Pass down the order: the birds in the woods east of Kunning Palace are making too much noise!"
The captain of the guards looked at him blankly, waiting for him to continue.
Xiao Che took a deep breath and said in an unquestionable tone, "I don't care what methods you use, whether you use nets or coax them, in short, before dark, 'invite' all the birds in that forest to another place! Remember, be polite, don't kill any of them, but not a single one... is allowed to be left behind!"
Sending a well-equipped imperial guard responsible for protecting the capital to... move a flock of birds?!
The commander of the guards stood there, feeling as if his worldview had been shaken to its absolute limit. He even wondered if he was hallucinating because of a hangover.
The Kunning Palace was engulfed in an unprecedented "mutiny" throughout the afternoon.
The craftsmen urgently summoned by the Ministry of Works worked up a sweat, binding and grinding the edges of all the furniture.
The eunuchs of the Imperial Household Department lined up and carefully carried away the priceless porcelain pieces, as if they were carrying out a great relocation of national treasures.
The palace maids were huffing and puffing as they laid out layer after layer of carpet, making the floor of the bedchamber look like a giant carpet.
Outside the palace, a group of imposing and valiant imperial guards, armed with nets, climbed trees and used all their skills to wage a battle of wits and courage against a flock of chirping sparrows—a "non-violent expulsion war."
Lin Wanwan, the key figure in this "coup," could only sit blankly on the only surviving soft couch from beginning to end, going from initial bewilderment to shock, and finally to numbness.
She felt as if she wasn't carrying a child, but a bomb that could explode at any moment in the entire palace. She wasn't an empress; she had clearly become a porcelain doll, a precious object to be worshipped, fragile, and most valuable in the world.
She tried to reason with the man who was completely caught up in "expectant father anxiety," but Xiao Che just looked at her with a "you don't understand anything, only I am the most professional" look, and then continued to methodically direct this absurd "safety renovation project."
As night fell, the renovations finally came to an end.
Kunning Palace has become a soft, rounded, and eerily quiet "safe fortress".
Xiao Che nodded in satisfaction. He walked to Lin Wanwan's side and looked at her with a pleading expression, as if to say: Look, how safe the empire I have built for you is!
Lin Wanwan didn't even have the energy to complain anymore.
She was tired, really tired.
She raised her head listlessly, habitually looking at the top of Xiao Che's head.
There was no longer any of the usual complaints or arrogance; instead, there was a dynamic screen that scrolled 24/7, filled with anxiety and tension.
Lines of golden text flashed and switched frantically, like an alarm:
Watch out for the steps! Don't trip! .gif
Did you feel any baby movement today? Was it in the left or right foot? .jpg
[Will my baby be malnourished? Was there too much salt in that soup? .gif]
Is the air too dry? Should we sprinkle some water? .gif
[My wife has worked so hard! How can I possibly ease your burden even a little bit? .gif]
Looking at the dense barrage of memes filled with all sorts of anxious and unfounded emoticons, Lin Wanwan finally gave up all struggle.
She resignedly closed her eyes and gently placed her hand on her forehead.
Never mind, let him be.
This "father" is probably beyond saving.
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