Looking at Wei Wu kneeling on the ground, utterly bewildered by his own face, Lin Wanwan felt both annoyed and amused.
She stepped forward and helped him up, saying softly, "Don't be afraid, this is not sorcery, but just a... disguise technique. This matter is His Majesty's decree. You only need to cooperate, and you will be rewarded after it is done."
"Your Majesty... Your Majesty's decree?" Wei Wu raised his head tremblingly, looking at Xiao Che, who was equally shocked, his eyes still filled with fear.
Xiao Che finally recovered from the shock of the "disguise technique." He cleared his throat, regained his imperial majesty, and said in a deep voice, "That's right, it is indeed my decree. Wei Wu, from this day forward, you will be my shadow. This matter is of utmost importance; if there is even the slightest leak, you and your entire family will lose your heads!"
He skillfully employed both kindness and severity, demonstrating the art of imperial strategy with perfect finesse.
Although Wei Wu was honest and simple, he was not stupid. He immediately understood the seriousness of the situation, and hurriedly knelt down again, kowtowing heavily: "Your Majesty... I obey! I will die ten thousand times over and will certainly not fail Your Majesty's trust!"
"Very good." Xiao Che nodded in satisfaction.
Thus, the "hardware" problem of the "fake emperor" was perfectly solved thanks to Lin Wanwan's superb makeup skills.
However, this is only the first step.
The next, more serious challenge is to solve the "software" problem—how to make a simple, honest woodcutter guard possess even the slightest bit of "imperial aura" in the shortest amount of time.
For this arduous task, Xiao Che decided to personally take charge and serve as the instructor, urgently opening a "Crash Course in Imperial Behavior and Demeanor" in a secret room of the Imperial Study!
Student: Wei Wu.
Mentor: Xiao Che.
Teaching assistant and sole audience member: Lin Wanwan.
Thus began a grueling training program filled with comedic elements.
Lesson 1: Walking.
"As an emperor, one's conduct should set an example for the world." Xiao Che stood in the center of the secret chamber with his hands behind his back, his expression solemn, like the most strict tutor. "Your steps must be steady and powerful, neither hurried nor slow, with your shoulders and back straight and your eyes looking straight ahead. When you walk, you should have the momentum of a dragon and the stride of a tiger, and your majesty will naturally arise. Watch carefully, I will only demonstrate once."
Having said that, he personally took to the other end of the secret chamber.
His steps were steady, each step measured as if by a ruler, his dragon robe swaying slightly with his movements, yet without the slightest disorder. His chin was slightly tucked in, his gaze level, and though he was simply walking an ordinary path, he exuded an aura of supreme authority.
Lin Wanwan watched from the side and nodded secretly. As expected of a born emperor, his demeanor was truly ingrained in his bones.
"Do you understand now?" Xiao Che stopped and turned to look at Wei Wu.
Wei Wu stared wide-eyed, nodding frantically, "I...I understand!"
"Okay, you go through it once."
Wei Wu took a deep breath, trying hard to recall Xiao Che's appearance just now. He straightened his chest, imitated Xiao Che's posture, tightened his chin, and then... took his first step.
"Clatter".
One step, two steps...
Lin Wanwan glanced at it once and couldn't help but hold her forehead.
Wei Wu was stiff as a puppet, trying to walk steadily but ending up walking with his left and right hands flailing forward and backward. He looked ridiculous, like a penguin that had just learned to walk.
That's not the stride of a dragon and the gait of a tiger; it's clearly just the same hand and foot moving in unison!
"Stop!" A vein throbbed uncontrollably on Xiao Che's temple. He suppressed his anger and stepped forward to correct him, "Your hands! Your hands! When walking, your arms swing naturally, not with your feet!"
After a chaotic and frantic attempt to correct him, Wei Wu finally stopped moving his hands and feet in unison.
Lesson Two: Eye Contact.
"The eyes of an emperor should possess the might of thunder and the depth of the ocean." Xiao Che pointed to his own eyes, giving Wei Wu a theoretical lesson. "When facing your subjects, your gaze should be cold and distant, so that they will feel awe and dare not be presumptuous under your gaze. Come, look at me, give me a majestic look."
Wei Wu took another deep breath, trying to widen his eyes as if to project an air of "majesty".
However, his honest face simply couldn't contort into a dignified expression. After trying for a long time, all he could manage was to furrow his brows tightly, slightly part his lips to reveal two rows of teeth, and make a... fierce and menacing look.
There was no trace of authority in his eyes; instead, they were filled with anger that said, "You owe me money and you haven't paid it back," and the threat that said, "If you don't pay me back, I'll beat you up."
He looks exactly like a thug on his way to collect a debt!
Xiao Che's temples throbbed as he looked at him: "I'm here to give you authority, not to send you to collect debts!"
Lesson 3: Reviewing Memorials to the Throne.
Xiao Che thought that if dynamic ones wouldn't work, static ones should be simpler, right?
He pressed Wei Wu down in front of the imperial desk, where a blank memorial and a vermilion pen were placed.
“When attending court, you only need to sit on the dragon throne and occasionally flip through the memorials.” Xiao Che patiently demonstrated, “When you pick up the pen, your wrist must be steady and your strokes must be forceful. When you are reviewing, your posture should be free and easy, and you should finish in one go to show that you are confident and prepared.”
With a slight turn of his wrist, the vermilion brush swept across the memorial with fluid grace, the movement elegant yet powerful.
"You give it a try."
Wei Wu picked up the vermilion brush, which felt heavier than an axe to him, with trepidation. His hands were calloused from years of chopping wood, his fingers thick and calloused; he had never handled anything so delicate before.
He imitated Xiao Che, his wrist dangling precariously as he tried to write a single word on the memorial.
As a result, the pen nib trembled in his hand like a leaf falling in the autumn wind. He strained until his face turned red, and with the strength of chopping wood, he finally managed to get the pen nib onto the paper.
With a "rip," he poked a large hole in the precious Xuan paper.
The way he held the pen, with his fingers taut and veins bulging, was not like he was wielding a pen; it was more like he was wielding a knife to kill someone!
"Bang!"
Xiao Che could no longer contain himself. He slammed his hand on the imperial desk, paced back and forth in anger, pointed at Wei Wu, and roared in fury at his incompetence: "Rotten wood! You are simply hopeless!"
Lin Wanwan saw that the glittering golden "Long Live My Wife" message above his head was gone. In its place was a cartoon figure holding a hammer, frantically hammering at a piece of wood. The wood remained undamaged, but the hammer shattered. Next to it was a line of angry words: "Rotten wood cannot be carved!"
Three consecutive lessons ended in utter defeat.
Wei Wu was so reprimanded that he was dejected and almost cried. He felt that he had truly failed His Majesty's expectations.
Our mentor, Xiao Che, was utterly defeated by the habits of this "grassroots" student. In all his years as emperor, he discovered for the first time that "teaching" was even more difficult than governing a country!
Seeing that the "Emperor Crash Course" had reached a stalemate, Lin Wanwan, the teaching assistant, finally couldn't stand it anymore.
She stepped forward, tugged at Xiao Che's sleeve, signaling him to calm down. Then, she pulled Wei Wu, who had already lost all confidence, aside.
"Wei Wu, don't listen to His Majesty." Lin Wanwan lowered her voice and imparted the ultimate secret, "He's a theorist, not practical. I'll teach you the simplest method, guaranteed to get you through this."
Upon hearing this, Wei Wu immediately looked at her with shining eyes, as if he had grasped a lifeline.
Lin Wanwan smiled mysteriously and whispered in his ear, "You don't need to learn anything or do anything. Starting tomorrow, just remember one thing: keep a straight face."
"With a stern face?" Wei Wu was taken aback.
"Yes, just keep a blank expression." Lin Wanwan continued to instruct, "When you go to court, just sit on the dragon throne and don't say a word. Just keep a straight face. No matter which minister is speaking, don't look at him. Just stare at the air in front of you."
"What if... what if someone insists on asking Your Majesty for your opinion?" Wei Wu asked nervously.
"Good question." Lin Wanwan nodded approvingly. "If someone is really so blind as to point it out to you, just slowly, slowly turn your head and give them a hard look with that demanding gaze you just had."
"Huh? A look of demanding repayment?" Wei Wu was even more confused.
“Yes! That one!” Lin Wanwan said confidently. “After you look at him, don’t say anything. Just let out a soft, disdainful ‘hmm’ from your nose.”
"Hmm?" Wei Wu imitated and uttered a single syllable.
"Yes! That's it! Remember, your voice should be short, forceful, and convey the meaning of 'I know, you can get lost.' After you do that, immediately turn back and continue to stare blankly at the air. I guarantee no one will dare to bother you again."
Xiao Che, standing to the side, was completely dumbfounded by Lin Wanwan's unorthodox teaching methods.
What does it mean to have a stern face? What does it mean to have a demanding look in your eyes? What does it mean to grunt or hum through your nose?
This...this is outrageous!
He frowned, about to retort, when he heard Lin Wanwan turn her head, look at him with a smile, and ask:
"Your Majesty, have you forgotten that this is how you usually act when you don't want to deal with those ministers in court?"
Xiao Che: "???"
He opened his mouth, wanting to argue that he was clearly a kind and amiable monarch who readily accepted good advice.
But above his head, an emoji uncontrollably appeared—a cartoon version of him scratching his head, looking bewildered and guilty, with a line of small text beside him—
[Really? I'm clearly very kind! .jpg]
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