What is missing
Because of Deng Yi's words, Zhou Ji'an started thinking about what Deng Yi was missing while he was at work, but many days passed and he still had no clue.
She couldn't possibly give him her invisible, useless love; that would make her seem insincere.
Besides, Deng Yi might not necessarily want her love, and if he ignores her, she doesn't know how to handle the situation.
In the past few days, she has received many things from Deng Yi, from small accessories like hair ties and hair clips to large clothes like down jackets and coats, all kinds of styles.
Sometimes when Zhou Ji'an opens the wardrobe door, he almost suffers from decision paralysis.
That day, Zhou Ji'an, who had just finished get off work, bumped into Deng Yi, who was returning from outside, as soon as he stepped out of his study. Deng Yi was carrying several bags in his hands.
"Don't buy it," Zhou Ji'an said, his head aching. "I don't need that many."
Zhou Ji'an remained pessimistic about their marriage, thinking that if they divorced, she wouldn't know how to pack up and move all the things in the cabinet, let alone whether she should move them at all.
“You won’t grow any taller now, so wear them slowly and use them slowly.” Deng Yi said as he tidied the wardrobe. “There are too few things in this house that belong to you. I’m afraid you might leave if you want to.”
Zhou Ji'an was a little stunned when he heard this, and then he wanted to make some promises, but in the end he didn't dare to speak.
At this moment, Deng Yi hung up the gray coat she had just tried on, turned around and looked straight at her.
"What are you thinking about?" Deng Yi asked.
"It's nothing," Zhou Ji'an replied dismissively, his eyes lowered, and quickly shifted the topic to the person in front of him. "Could you just tell me what you need? I'm afraid the gift I give you won't meet your expectations."
Deng Yi's eyes darkened slightly, and his tone turned cold and indifferent. "You could think of that before, but you can't now? Or are you unwilling to think about it now?"
Zhou Ji'an was taken aback by his question, and it reminded him of the past.
Previously, Zhou Ji'an felt uneasy after receiving too many gifts from Deng Yi. So he carefully observed Deng Yi every day, remembering every word Deng Yi said, trying to accurately find Deng Yi's preferences from some minor details.
Later, she discovered that Deng Yi had a particular fondness for movies and a favorite film director.
After Zhou Ji'an grasped this information, he began to search for the director's schedule online.
She plans to give Deng Yi a movie ticket signed by his favorite director.
She spent a lot of money to snag tickets to the film festival, and then spent a long time waiting outside the hotel in the pouring rain, finally managing to squeeze through the crowd and get a signed movie ticket that was soaked by the rain.
That movie ticket was the most special and expensive gift Zhou Ji'an gave to Deng Yi. When Deng Yi received the gift, happiness streamed down his face like a beam of light.
His happiness was genuine and vivid, and Zhou Ji'an was happy about it for more than half a year.
But Deng Yi now has far more than Deng Yi had in the past, making it much more difficult for Zhou Ji'an to give him a gift.
So she said, "I'm afraid the gift I want to give you will be completely different from the gift you want."
Deng Yi said unhappily, "I wonder who was the person who said that day that they no longer thought I lacked nothing."
After saying that, he started walking out.
Zhou Ji'an noticed the change in his expression and hurriedly followed.
She wanted to reach out and hook her arm around his elbow, but withdrew it when her fingertips lightly touched his clothes.
Even though they had slept together many times, Zhou Ji'an still didn't dare to show his feelings freely when he was with Deng Yi these days.
She was always thinking about those countless "what ifs," those countless "what ifs" that she might not be able to bear.
“That’s my rather objective opinion: no one in this world can be completely selfless.” Zhou Ji’an followed behind him, keeping an arm’s length distance.
“There’s still some time before my birthday, so you can think carefully about what you’ve said before,” Deng Yi said, turning to look at her. “And what I’ve said.”
His gaze was deep and intense. Zhou Ji'an looked back at him timidly, but inexplicably nodded and replied, "Okay."
That night, Zhou Ji'an, recalling his actions during the day, clutched the blanket and cursed himself for being spineless.
"Who are you cursing?" Deng Yi threw back the covers and lay down, stretching out his arm to pull the person next to him into his embrace. "Cursing me?"
Zhou Ji'an buried his face in his neck and said, "No."
"Your expression betrays you." Deng Yi tried to hook her waist and pull her towards him, but the person in his arms naturally pressed against him. "Your eyes are full of anger."
"I'm cursing myself." Zhou Ji'an tilted his head back slightly and swallowed his kisses, which were sometimes deep and sometimes shallow.
"Hmm...why are you cursing yourself?" Deng Yi rolled over on top of her and sucked on her hard.
Zhou Ji'an was just scolding himself for not daring to ask Deng Yi what birthday present he wanted when he was unhappy.
Now Zhou Ji'an is also cursing himself, cursing that he only dares to show his true feelings when he sleeps with Deng Yi.
"I wasn't feeling well at work today," Zhou Ji'an lied, bending over to play along. "I've been thinking about you... about your gift..."
Deng Yi slapped her leg hard, "You deserve to be scolded. You can forget what you said more than a month ago."
Deng Yi was different tonight; he was relentless in every move. Zhou Ji'an suspected he was really angry, and still was. He pulled on Deng Yi's arm and asked for a kiss, "Slow down... kiss me."
Deng Yi leaned down, but instead of kissing her as instructed, he pressed on her shoulders and began to move.
Each strike carried the implication of punishment.
Zhou Ji'an couldn't resist, so he had no choice but to kiss him first. He caught her immediately, and soon his tongue was sucked until it went numb.
When it was over, Zhou Ji'an was exhausted and sleepy. Deng Yi carried him to the bathroom to wash up. He could hear the water running intermittently, sometimes stopping and sometimes getting louder. When he finally lay down on the bed, he felt that his legs had no strength at all, as if he had been standing for a very long time.
"Jian," Deng Yi called out, but the person in his arms didn't respond, only gently snuggling against him. "When will you remember what you said before?"
There has still been no response.
Deng Yi never thought he would get married, at least not before he met Zhou Ji'an.
He had never seen a normal marriage, let alone a perfect one, so he had no desire for marriage whatsoever.
But the person sleeping soundly in his arms had woven him a dream about a perfect marriage.
After the two confirmed their relationship, Zhou Ji'an developed a catchphrase: "From now on, we..."
She said, "Let's move to a small city together in the future. We can exercise together after get off work. But there aren't many job opportunities in small cities."
“Let’s get a dog or a cat in the future, or grow some flowers and plants. But no, let’s not do any of that. You’ll be the one taking care of everything in the end, and you’ll be the only one suffering.”
"We can't always order takeout anymore, or we'll get fat quickly. We'll have to buy groceries and cook for ourselves, even if it's simple."
...
Deng Yi went to work in another city for a few days and then came back.
She added, "Let's not be apart for more than three days from now on."
“Let’s work together from now on. My expertise can be combined with your expertise, so we won’t have to be separate.”
Deng Yi asked, "Do you want to never be separated from me?"
With an innocent and sincere look on her face, she said, "Yes, I think we can't be separated."
Deng Yi laughed and said, "We're not married, so how can we not be separated?"
She remained innocent and sincere, saying, "We can get married someday."
But the person who claimed to want to marry him broke up with him not long after.
At that time, Deng Yi always felt that Zhou Ji'an's love and affection were nothing more than that, completely light and easy, as if her love and affection had no weight at all.
All her words were just casual remarks and had no real meaning.
Now, she has completely forgotten what she said before.
Zhou Ji'an felt that she had a problem with selective memory. For example, she didn't remember that Deng Yi had messed with her in the bathroom last night, but she could remember that she had asked Deng Yi for a kiss but failed.
So much so that after she woke up in the morning, she would always stare at Deng Yi's lips, and felt somewhat uncomfortable.
"Why do you always like to do it in the bathroom?" Zhou Ji'an asked.
She brought this up because Deng Yi was supervising her breakfast again, saying that because she hadn't eaten properly over the years, her physical strength was too poor, and she almost fainted in the bathroom last night.
Deng Yi: "I don't usually care about the location, but you reacted very well when we did it in the bathroom, so I started to prefer doing it in the bathroom."
Zhou Ji'an denied it in embarrassment and anger: "You're talking nonsense."
He had a strange habit, but he shamelessly claimed it was because of her.
Deng Yi didn't take it seriously, "You can go to the gym next time."
He described what they did in front of the large mirror at the gym during that phone call.
Zhou Ji'an felt weak all over just thinking about that scene.
Suddenly, an idea came to her: "Could we go to the gym on your birthday as a birthday present?"
This way, she can take the opportunity to tell him she loves him, pretending they are a normal married couple, without worrying that he will feel burdened and push her away.
Deng Yi pinched her cheek and said decisively, "No."
"How about I go back with you to your grandfather's birthday dinner? Can that be considered a birthday present for you?" Zhou Ji'an was eager to resolve the dilemma of giving Deng Yi a birthday present, so he started to use random tricks. However, he was still a little uneasy when he used them, and he was certain that Deng Yi would not agree.
Deng Yi remained unmoved and said, "You don't have to go back."
Yes, how can this be considered a birthday gift for him? It's a bit insincere of her.
Zhou Ji'an immediately changed his mind: "Then take me back, I want to see if I can find out what you're lacking."
Deng Yi's gaze lingered on the pages of the book, his fingers stiffened slightly, and his cheeks twitched as he asked, "If you discover what I'm missing, can you guarantee you'll give it to me on my birthday?"
Zhou Ji'an thought that since everyone attending Deng Yi's grandfather's birthday dinner was Deng Yi's relative, she would hear a lot about Deng Yi. Perhaps there were still traces of Deng Yi's past life in Deng Yi's grandfather's house, and she was very likely to discover what Deng Yi was missing.
Zhou Ji'an felt he was about to succeed, so he happily said, "I can guarantee it."
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