Chapter 10: Reflection
Yuzuru Hanyu leaned back in his chair, his slender fingers swiping across the screen of his mobile phone. The LINE chat window interface was sliding up and down, and his mind was full of the words his sister had just scolded him.
"If you ask me, Xiaole is just too accommodating and has spoiled you. Xiaole is your friend, not your fan. Why does she have to constantly cater to you and try to understand you? Have you ever understood her? Just saying you like someone so casually is really childish."
Didn't he understand Le? He knew Le didn't like sweets, that when she was in a good mood, she'd hum songs and dance in a deserted place, and when she was in a bad mood, she'd light a scented candle to calm her down. She loved making tea and sewing her pointe shoes on rainy days, that she didn't like being recommended by new anime, but could watch her favorite old anime and movies countless times... Didn't he understand her well?
Think about what you said. Do you know why she gave up ballet? Do you know why she broke up? You didn't even bother to understand, yet you maliciously hurt her. And you don't even bother to reflect on yourself. You deserve to be single.
But he really doesn't seem to understand music...
He had never understood why Le, a ballet dancer so talented, never competed for a good role, always quietly blending into the ensemble and quietly moving behind the scenes. He had only seen Le standing center stage once, and even an outsider like him could see her exceptional technique and superb expressiveness.
Yes! He even recorded that video.
After rummaging through the drawer for a while, I found a camera SD card, inserted it into the card reader, and found a video shot on April 1, 2017.
"Have you started recording?" In the video, Le was wearing a simple ballet bun, a dark red suspender bodysuit and black training pants. The trouser legs were tied up on her legs, revealing her calves in ballet socks. She stood in the center of the stage with her hands on her hips, directing photographer Hanyu.
"Let's begin! Are you wearing this? What kind of audition is this? There's no dress code?" The video also includes Yuzuru Hanyu's voice. Le had told him he wanted him to help record a solo for the audition, and brought him to the theater after the show to film. Since they had come all the way to the theater to film, Hanyu expected Le to wear something fancy like a tutu dress. Instead, she simply took off her coat and began directing the camera from center stage.
"It's okay, it's okay. Then please play some music for me." She waved her hand and lay down on her side in the center of the stage.
Piano music played, and the person in the video slowly straightened up, her fingers lightly brushing the stage floor. It was as if something was pulling her up, carrying her to the center of the stage. She stood on pointe, turned to face the audience, and landed on her feet. The music was not fast, and paired with her training clothes, it looked like she was training as usual, lifting her legs and breathing in time with the rhythm of the piano.
With the addition of the violin, the music gradually became fuller. She retreated from a corner of the stage to the diagonal rear, her fingertips seemed to push aside the curtain, revealing her bright smile. Her dance became more relaxed. After two eight beats, she turned her back and ran to the center of the stage in small steps. The music and drum beats changed. She stood on her toes and stepped to the drum beat one step at a time. She turned around and walked to the front of the stage. Her echappe was powerful and relaxed, and the sense of strength to break free from the restraints filled the entire stage.
Finally, at the end of the music, she turned and landed steadily on the fourth position, returned to the starting position, and slowly lay down on her side, as if everything that had just happened was just a dream.
The theater returned to silence, and the video shook slightly, which was caused by Hanyu freeing his hands to turn off the music.
The figure in the video touched the stage floor again and gracefully rose to her feet. She wasn't looking at the camera, but rather at a nonexistent audience, her chin held high. She gently knelt to the audience on her left and right, then, with her fingertips brushing the air above her head, she knelt on one knee in greeting toward the audience on the second floor. As she stood again, she took a few steps forward, approaching the stage.
"I declare that Suginohara Raku's career as a ballet dancer has come to an end."
She saluted again, this time in the posture of a swan bowing its bow, kneeling on one knee, bowing deeply, and looking up again. She smiled reluctantly in the camera.
The video ended here. The black screen reflected Yuzuru Hanyu's face. Tears fell from the corners of his eyes and fell on the desk. He raised his arm and wiped his face with his sleeve. He recorded this video and still remembers the shock he felt when he heard his dance career was over.
But Le told him at that time that she just wanted to keep a souvenir. Being able to work as a choreographer for the Tokyo Ballet was her way towards her dream, and Hanyu should be happy for her.
After recording the video, Yuzuru Hanyu gave Le a copy. Since then, he's been using his phone less and less, so he hasn't watched it since. This was the first time he'd dug out the video.
The video camera zooms in, allowing me to see Le's expressions more clearly than if I had tilted my head back to look directly at the stage. From the initial cluelessness of the basic movements, to the joy, brightness, and pride in the subsequent dances and leaps, to the determination in his eyes during the grand echappe, to the nostalgic look in his eyes as he landed on the final whip-turn, and finally, the deep reluctance in his eyes as he bowed.
It seemed that she used Bach's last day to dance out her 19 years of life with ballet since she was four years old.
Why give up when you are so reluctant?
Open Google and type in Raku Suginohara to be redirected.
At the top of the list is a collection of YouTube videos, which are actually videos related to Le compiled by her fans.
The first video is a documentary of YAPG. Le in the video is small and very cute. The subtitles at the bottom of the screen show her name and age. She was 11 years old that year.
Her hair was combed into a ballet bun, revealing a smooth forehead. Her delicate face was covered in thick ballet makeup. Even the thick eyeshadow and eyeliner couldn't mask the brilliance in her eyes. Facing the camera, her voice was still a little soft. "I don't know what you think, but I've made up my mind. I want ballet to be my lifelong career."
There is also the competition video of her winning the gold medal at the Moscow International Ballet Competition. The Black Swan's flamboyance and pride are fully displayed in her interpretation. Giselle's agility and lightness make the audience unable to help but smile. And in the seventeen moments of spring, the last glance back is unforgettable.
After watching all of them in one sitting, Yuzuru Hanyu became more certain of his belief: Suginohara Raku was a very talented ballet dancer. The question of why he gave up grew deeper and deeper. As he pondered, the last video began to play automatically.
This video is of 17-year-old Le, a duet gala. Her dance is quite standard, and even her technique is a little unstable, and she lacks her previous agility. The video uploader pinned a comment: What a pity for this little ballet goddess.
Some of the comments below said she wasn't taking care of her figure and had gained weight. Some criticized her physical condition, saying her instep wasn't good and her splay wasn't wide enough. Some even said she'd gotten carried away after winning the award and wasn't working hard enough. Some even said her position wasn't legitimate and her moral integrity didn't match hers, leaving Hanyu confused.
After exiting YouTube, he continued browsing related websites and came across a news report about the Boston Dance Company announcing the promotion of Le to a group of soloists. Among the fresh photos of the dancers was Le, who was 17 years old at the time. He also found a tweet from one of her fans saying she had left the company, and she was also 17 that year.
Under that tweet, there were also some comments discussing the reasons why Le left the group. There were many different opinions, some nice, some not so nice, and some even unbearable to hear.
"Luckily I don't use social media, otherwise I'd be upset seeing this," Hanyu muttered, closing the webpage. This was a scene Hanyu Yuzuru was already accustomed to. Suddenly, he realized something.
Perhaps, Le had seen it? Perhaps... this was why she had withdrawn from the stage?
"Le, haven't you always been like this? You always consider the effort and reward, and always consider the cost-effectiveness before doing anything. It was the same with your switch from ballet to backstage work, right? When you were little, you told me it was because you didn't have enough talent. But I've seen you dance, and I've heard others say you're incredibly talented, even more so than as a choreographer. Yet, you still made the switch. What was the reason?"
"Is it because a ballet dancer's career isn't long enough? Choreographers and directors have a longer career and don't have to worry about injuries, right? It's such a good deal."
Oh my god, what kind of idiotic things did he do and what kind of idiotic things did he say!!!
In addition to bringing flowers and praise, the halo also brings a large amount of shadow, and no one understands this better than Yuzuru Hanyu.
That year, he smashed world records with unstoppable force, gaining numerous supporters. The ice performances he attended were packed, and his entrance was met with thunderous applause, a stark contrast to the quiet reception of other athletes.
Perhaps it was because he was too aggressive, but the strange noises around him were increasing. There was no such thing as an invincible general in sports, but any mistake would be considered a crushing defeat. He couldn't tell for a moment whether the fans cheering for him truly supported him or were just waiting to see him perform.
Then there's the weekly nonsense, and things aren't going well on the ice either. After the 2016 Boston World Championships, Yuzuru Hanyu looked out at the packed crowd, his coaches, staff, and fellow athletes, and suddenly felt lost. He couldn't tell who among them was truly laughing.
When he boarded the plane to Helsinki, he didn't have high hopes for this trip. He had no idea who he could trust, and he was even a little numb. He just thought it would be nice to go somewhere without the media chasing him, so he agreed to his mother's suggestion.
So when he came out of quarantine and saw Le and her boyfriend, he wasn't as warm and friendly as usual. He didn't talk much and sat in the back seat of the car, listening to music and looking out the window.
Two days later, Le Lai invited him to go on a road trip to Rovaniemi. Seeing Le Lai's enthusiasm, he was a little infected and agreed.
Along the way, Hanyu could sense Le constantly finding topics to talk about. When she brought up the Arctic Circle and the world of Norse mythology, he felt a certain urge to explore.
Even though the Arctic Circle was just a patch of half-melted snow, with a few grayish-white pillars with center lines sticking out from the wet ground, he still managed to leap over it. His chuunibyou spirit ignited, and he roared loudly. He felt a little embarrassed after the roar, but then he saw Le echoing him, raising his fist and shouting, "Just wait and see!"
He originally thought he was ready to fight alone, but at that moment, he suddenly felt that he was not alone, and Le, who was standing there with his fist raised in support of him, was his companion.
Later, her boyfriend cheated on her, and their trip was abruptly cut short. Hanyu Yuzuru was worried about Le's mood throughout the trip, but aside from a few drinks and a night of singing, she had been a stable adult ever since.
"I'm sorry for making you worry. The trip is also canceled..." After returning to Helsinki that day, Le apologized to him, "How about this, as compensation, I take you on vacation to a fairy tale world?"
The fairy tale world that Le talked about is Hämeenlinna with its red brick castle, a small city 98km away from Helsinki.
Finns usually choose a lakeside place with beautiful scenery to build a house as a summer cottage for spending the summer. The Le family’s house is in Hämeenlinna, across the lake from the castle.
Hanyu spent the entire summer living in Hämelinna with the Suginohara family. Le said summer was a Finnish reward for enduring a long winter, and it was a must-enjoy experience. So, when the weather was nice, she would take him swimming in the lake, walking along the shore, and fishing. She even tried to teach him how to ride a bike, though he almost fell into the lake.
If the weather is bad, Le will stay home to sew shoes and work on her choreography. Hanyu Yuzuru will sit nearby, clutching his PlayStation, listening to her tinkering with her new pointe shoes.
To ensure Hanyu wouldn't neglect his practice, the Suginohara family arranged for him to go to an ice rink, allowing him to practice for an hour during off-peak hours. Those were peaceful days that Hanyu still cherishes.
But he will eventually return to the arena where he belongs, just after Midsummer Day.
It is a Finnish custom to have a bonfire party on Midsummer Eve. The bonfire on Midsummer Eve in Hämeenlinna was lit in the open space in front of the castle. Le took Yuzuru Hanyu there.
On Midsummer's Eve, the sky stubbornly held onto a hint of light all night long, the color of sapphire. A rock band played on a stage not far away, and the lawn was packed. By late at night, the crowd had gradually dispersed, leaving only a few people lingering on the lawn, sipping wine and yawning. The sun was still shining, and the bonfire, which had been burning all night, crackled with the sound of wood. Le and Hanyu, exhausted from playing, sat down on the lawn to rest.
"Look at this castle, this bonfire, doesn't it look like a scene from Tangled?" Le stretched out his legs and swayed, supporting himself with his hands behind his back. He looked up at the sky and shook his head proudly. "I didn't lie to you when I told you it was a fairy tale world~"
"Yeah, it does look like it~ It's a pity that the performance is heavy metal rock." Hanyu stretched out his fingers to pick at his ears. His ears still couldn't take it that night.
"Hahaha, now that it's quiet, let's try something different." Le took out his cell phone and played a song.
It was a group dance from the peasant harvest scene in Giselle. Hanyu had never heard of it before, and didn't know where it came from. He simply watched Le, holding up her lavender gauze skirt, dance gracefully and playfully on the lawn before the bonfire. When she finished, Hanyu and the few remaining people on the lawn applauded her, shouting "Bravo!" Le, also excited, bowed solemnly to the surroundings.
"What about now? Is it a fairy tale world?" Le sat back down beside Hanyu, panting, his hair sticking to her slender neck with sweat.
Hanyu handed her a tissue and nodded with a smile, "This really is the best place."
"Then don't forget the happiness in the fairy tale world, and then go back to the ice rink and win it back, don't lose!" The face with a smile but serious words was deeply imprinted in Yuzuru Hanyu's mind.
【负けないよ】is what Le often said to him later. He used to think that Le was just telling him not to lose the game, but now thinking back, he had a hunch that Le might be talking about more than just the game, but also about facing the maliciousness of the outside world.
The shadow under the halo is most likely to breed countless malice, and Yuzuru Hanyu knows the pain that comes with it firsthand. It is Le's company that gives him the courage to face everything again.
So how painful it must be for Le to face everything alone. Perhaps she gave up her dream because she lost her courage.
If it weren't for that summer in Finland, if he had given up figure skating, he would probably be in great pain now.
Thinking of this, Yuzuru Hanyu felt that he was truly unforgivable. Not only did he not help her when she was in the most difficult time, he also rubbed salt into her wounds.
What his sister said was right, he really didn’t understand Le well enough, and he was too used to Le’s company.
He rubbed the Pusang in his hand vigorously, then raised it up and asked the wrinkled face, "Pusang, you said I went too far, will Le still forgive me?"
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