It seemed that all of my parents' misfortunes were caused by the fact that I was a girl, and they had quarreled in front of me more than once.
They both wanted a son but could not afford the cost of a second child. Xu Xiao felt suffocated by the physical and mental pain she was experiencing.
Why am I not a boy?
As long as I am a boy, all problems can be solved, right?
Why can men live so happily? They act as if they are the masters of this world, do whatever they want, evade responsibility when encountering difficulties, and control the entire family with absolute dominance.
This is how her father demonstrated to her that as a woman, the only thing she can do when faced with injustice is to compromise.
Xu Xiao began to dress like a boy. She never wore a skirt again. She imitated the boys' manners and began to speak in a rough voice.
The brain seemed to be protecting itself, and that extremely painful memory gradually blurred and turned into a vague dream.
She couldn't see the face of the person behind her, didn't know where to escape to, and even began to lose track of whether the experience had happened at all.
It seems like I was born like this, and have become what others call a "tomboy".
She didn't dare drink much water at school, her lips were always dry and chapped, and she would feel embarrassed no matter which toilet she went into.
Going to the restroom in public places will always cause unnecessary misunderstandings, and sometimes you will even be regarded as a pervert and be stared at, leading to innocent abuse.
Almost no boys like her, and there are always girls around her. She thinks this is normal because she looks like a boy after all.
Her menstrual period every month is the most painful time for her. She feels the pain in her lower abdomen and wears uncomfortable sanitary napkins, and she has to admit that she is a woman.
Why am I not a man? If I were a man, my whole life would be much easier.
The world revolves around men. They are like born strong men who make the rules of the world. Even novels centered around men have more readers.
I really want to join them. As long as I join, the suffering in life will be reduced, right?
Since Xu Xiao made the change, everything seemed to be getting better. His parents finally divorced, and the irresponsible man disappeared from her world.
Her mother remarried soon and left her to her grandmother. The absence of her parents in life became a reward for her.
It would be better if they all disappeared, especially her parents. She didn’t want to see their resentful eyes anymore.
The person who hurt her and caused her pain should disappear. It was he who made her life dark and miserable.
Let all the painful memories disappear. I don’t want to be that fragile and helpless little girl anymore.
Ever since Xu Xiao made the change, she felt a lot more relaxed.
Only by becoming a "boy" can she and her grandmother support their lives. After becoming a "boy", the nightmare that has troubled her for a long time seems to be getting farther and farther away from her.
I haven't had that nightmare for a long time, so long that the nightmare and the dusty memories in my mind were locked together in that simple warehouse.
They rusted, oxidized and became mottled along with the iron sheet that was lifted up by the warehouse door.
And today, when she was there again, she finally remembered what happened that day.
“Why…why…”
Xu Xiao covered his head in pain. Why was this nightmare so specific? Shouldn't this painful experience have been sealed away by him and disappeared without a trace?
Why didn't I wake up?
Shadows shrouded a remote and crowded neighborhood. Even though the sun had not yet completely set, the night seemed to have already arrived here.
And the home upstairs that belonged to her would never light a light for her at this moment.
Xu Xiao stood there for a long time and had nowhere to go, so she raised her messy head and walked up.
The same quarrel as before, the same father slamming the door and leaving, the same as before, she was stripped naked and stood under the shower.
"Just get through today... and you'll wake up by yourself."
Xu Xiao said to herself as she lay on her somewhat hard bed with lifeless eyes. She stared at the ceiling for a while, her tears wet her pillow.
She closed her eyes tightly, it was all over.
When she woke up again, she found herself still in the house that she hated.
"Hurry up and get ready to go to school!"
The mother's eyes were bloodshot as she hadn't contacted her father all night. There was no smell of breakfast, only a glass of cold milk.
Xu Xiao sat up in disbelief. Why hadn't it ended yet? Wasn't this his dream?
She did not drink the glass of milk, and her mother didn't even know that she had diarrhea from drinking the milk. She walked out of the house in a daze at her mother's urging.
There was still severe pain between her legs and Xu Xiao's face was a little pale. She held on to the iron wall of the construction site and slowly moved forward step by step.
"Xiaoxiao...you are very beautiful now."
When that obscene voice sounded, Xu Xiao's mind went blank.
"How could it be... How could it be..."
"Xiaoxiao, you are very obedient. I will always find you and play games with you."
"No... No! Save me... Someone please save me..."
Xu Xiao felt dizzy and even breathing became difficult.
In a trance, she felt someone standing in front of her and saying that he wanted to save her. She nodded without hesitation.
When she opened her eyes, it was the familiar base. Xu Xiao looked around blankly and met Ji Chuan's eyes.
"You... saved me?"
Ji Chuan nodded. He never thought that Xu Xiao’s experience was so painful. She was already very strong to be what she is now.
My dear, there is more to this chapter. Please click on the next page to continue reading. It’s even more exciting later!
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