Chapter 60

This isn't the first time I've been described like this.

Besides Illumi, many people have said this to me.

And some people, though they don't say it aloud, also convey this condemnatory sentiment in their eyes:

You are such a painful woman.

—Only Illumi never said that to me.

I've never really understood where I went wrong.

I was simply acting honestly according to my own will. Although there were occasional moments when I deliberately wanted to have a bad influence on others, most of the time I was just interacting with them normally.

Just like right now.

"Did I say something wrong?" Unable to figure it out, I simply asked directly, "Is my liking for you something that causes you a lot of pain?"

“Liking something in itself doesn’t cause pain. But your feelings, that’s not liking, Ray,” he said, lowering his hand from his forehead and looking at me with pity. “To be precise, it’s called affection, admiration, trust… whatever the word, you have many other options. You’re smart enough to understand that.”

“But you pretend you don’t know that,” he paused for a moment, then continued, “You always choose the worst option, Ray. ... You know, human nature can’t withstand the test; one mistake and you’re plunged into the abyss, never to recover.”

I remained silent for a moment.

“But,” I said, then looked up at him with feigned innocence and smiled at him as always, “I really do like you guys…”

"I'm sorry." Before I could finish speaking, he stood up coldly and said decisively and without hesitation, "If you insist on continuing like this, I think we have nothing more to talk about."

“I am not like those people you once incited, Ray,” he repeated my name again, solemnly, “There is only one thing that matters most in my life… nothing else, whatever it may be, can sway me.”

His gaze was fixed on me, as if I were the source of his unease that he was referring to.

I stared at him for a moment, then couldn't help but laugh.

“Oh, I see,” I heard myself say regretfully. “That’s a pity.”

In his complex expression, which seemed to convey both relief and a sense that something was still left undone, I announced:

"Congratulations, you've escaped the clutches of a bad woman."

"...That's not what I meant." He seemed to have something else to say.

But I'm not going to listen anymore.

"Do you know what my life motto is?" I asked him, trying to regain control of the conversation.

"..."

"If you can't save me, then you'll suffer with me." I said slowly in his gaze, "But so far, no one has persisted to the end on either of these two paths."

"...You don't have any either."

"No matter when, I have never gotten the answer I wanted."

...

The already fragile camaraderie between colleagues may have little left after the final layer of pretense was broken. I didn't want to say anything more to Kurapika, so I went to the rooftop garden outside the hotel and found a bench to sit on.

After a while, Leorio appeared.

A bead of sweat appeared on his forehead. Upon seeing me, he hurriedly came forward, loosening his tie as he asked me:

"What did you and Kurapika talk about? He seems to be in a bad mood right now."

"I'm not in a good mood either," I said.

Leorio: "I can see that."

We both fell silent.

Until he asked me, "Can you tell me what exactly happened?"

"Can't you guess?" I said with a hint of helplessness, resting my chin on my hand. Then I stared into his eyes and smiled until his ears turned red and he shifted back uncomfortably.

“...That’s what he was talking about,” I said frankly. “He told me not to tempt you and him, and that he said there’s only one thing that’s most important in his life, and that’s not me, so he advised me not to waste my time on him.”

"Ha!" Leorio exclaimed in surprise, "He really said that!"

"The original words were a bit euphemistic, but that's definitely the meaning," I said.

"What!" Leorio exclaimed, sounding quite indignant with me, "That's going too far!"

“No,” I looked up at the sky, “actually, he put it very well. I just kind of like… or rather, how should I put it, seduction?”

After saying that word, I couldn't help but laugh, at my own terrible personality.

“I like seeing people suffer with me, so I can’t help but do these things,” I turned to look at him. “Oh, speaking of which, did I scare you when I said ‘we can hold hands’?”

Leorio was stunned: "Weren't you just angry with me?"

I was a little confused: "What are you angry about?"

He scratched his head, his tone annoyed: "I thought I had done something wrong to upset you, that's why you said that on purpose!... Turns out you were seriously inviting me!"

"...In a way, you and Kurapika are truly good friends." This time, it was my turn to look at him with pity. "He's overly perceptive...and you're terribly oblivious."

Leorio was still struggling with his thoughts: "No, you're really not angry anymore... Ah! This wasn't a big deal at all, why did it escalate to this point! Damn it!"

"Because Kurapika is too serious," I tried to summarize for him why the three of us are unhappy right now.

“Indeed.” Leorio nodded with a sense of sympathy, but after a moment, he shook his head and said to me in a worried tone, “But he’s also right. If a bad man tries to take advantage of you, you have to keep your eyes open! You’ve probably encountered quite a few gropers trying to take advantage of you these past few days!”

"...Aren't there just a few?"

"You've only been doing this part-time job for a short time, and this data is already outrageous!"

"Yeah"

“Yes!” he exclaimed.

I remained silent for a moment.

"I see," I said, too tired to think anymore. I didn't want to follow their conversation and ponder my own attitude towards men, whether I had gone too far as they said. So I simply stopped thinking, opened my palms, and asked, "So, do we hold hands?"

Leorio: "...Ha!"

"Didn't you say you haven't held a girl's hand in a long time?" I repeated his words, while examining my own hands. My manicure had grown back to just the tips, but overall it was still very pretty—slender and long, the color neither too pale nor too red. "Want to try mine?"

“We…” He swallowed hard. “Didn’t we just say that girls should have…”

I lowered my hand in disappointment.

He followed my movements, his eyes darted around, and he managed to utter the second half of his sentence with difficulty:

"On guard..."

I waved my hand, signaling him to shut up.

His eyes followed my fingertips from side to side for a moment, and then I heard him ask:

"Really... I'm not trying to take advantage of you, Ray! I just think you look a little cold. Have you been eating poorly lately? Your nails don't look as healthy as before!"

"Ha," I couldn't help but laugh, raising an eyebrow. "Do you want to listen to what you're saying?"

He looked annoyed again, leaning back as far as he could, closing his eyes, and said in a struggling tone:

"Never mind what I asked! It's just that what you said made me start to care, and your complexion definitely wasn't as good as it used to be!"

I corrected his diagnosis: "That's because I haven't been wearing lipstick lately; my natural lip color is quite light."

"Really?" he asked suspiciously.

Me: "Ah, now I'm not only curious about whether my hands are cold, but also whether I'm wearing lipstick."

"N-no! What are you saying!" Leorio's face turned red.

...

After a period of chaotic commotion, Leorio seemed to have finally calmed down and returned to his usual, natural demeanor and behavior.

"That scared me to death," he patted his chest, looking like he'd just narrowly escaped death. "I almost couldn't resist pouncing on you—you really do need to be aware of your status as a beautiful young lady, just like Kurapika said!"

"You haven't done anything, have you?" I said nonchalantly.

"That's because I'm very upright! -- As for Kurapika, that guy's not bad, I guess." He grumbled, "But don't do that again next time!... That was close, I almost got killed just now."

"No, no matter what you choose, I won't kill you," I said.

"Kurapika will!" Leorio replied without hesitation.

"No way..." I don't believe it.

"Yes, I will!" he insisted.

I remained silent for a moment because I didn't want to continue arguing with him pointlessly.

"But I really think you guys are great," I asked again, a little troubled and with a hint of regret. "Isn't this level of liking enough? Anyway, it's something I'm happy to do. Do I have to exaggerate and say that you're my favorite people so far?"

After I finished speaking, I thought about it seriously for a moment:

"While it is true, saying it out loud is too straightforward and loses the atmosphere... It doesn't meet my aesthetic standards."

"Facts"

"Mmm." I said, resting my chin on my hand. "I really like you guys."

Leorio pushed his sunglasses up his nose hard, covering his eyes, and his voice choked with emotion.

"Enough, beautiful lady," he said dejectedly. "No matter how hard you try to win me over, we are destined to be apart. I have more precious things to do with my life. I'm a man determined to become a super doctor who saves the world!... Please just forget about me!"

He even sent me the first "good guy" card I've ever received in my life.

“You’re a good woman, you’ll meet someone more suitable.” He gave me a thumbs up. “Kurapika is pretty good, I have high hopes for you two! ...But that guy is really a bit difficult to deal with.”

I couldn't help but complain, "Isn't your persona a bit inconsistent? Who was that guy who was crying and begging to hold a girl's hand, and then so heartbroken when he couldn't?"

“Men and real men are different!” He wiped his eyes, took off his sunglasses, and smiled brightly. “Although I sometimes get controlled by my male instincts, I will pull myself together to be a good man. Ray, you too, let’s cheer each other on!”

“Kurapika is really great,” he said, then, not forgetting to recommend his best friend to me again, while pointing out his friend’s shortcomings, “but he’s troublesome, and always procrastinates at crucial moments. I strongly recommend that you just like him. But don’t get too obsessed, whether you like me or Kurapika, it’s a difficult problem for a lady like you to handle. ...Oh right, speaking of which, why did you two have a fight?”

...This guy's memory and how long-winded he is are really something.

I realized that Leorio is more like a typical middle-aged mother than my own mother.

“Because I said I like you guys and want you to like me too—” I had to reiterate to him the reason why I argued with Kurapika.

Leorio: "Oh, right, that's it... then we're not going off-topic! Anyway, you only need to like Kurapika, don't worry about me."

“He’s not interested in me at all.” I raised an eyebrow. “I told him not to even think about me.”

“Kurapika says no, and that means yes,” Leorio said decisively. “Don’t listen to what he says! Just do what you want to do!”

I was utterly shocked: "No wonder you two are friends..."

So that's how you become friends?

And I clearly implied that I'm a terrible person with a awful personality. Is it really okay to recommend someone like me to relentlessly pursue a good friend?

Ah... I feel like this is different from the past when I only caused pain to others.

If I were to encounter those two guys, I would be the one who breaks down first, not them.

Leorio scratched his head and laughed, "Hehe, right? You also think I really understand Kurapika and care about him, don't you?"

……No.

That's not what I meant at all, thank you.

“Oh, right,” he suddenly remembered something, a rare look of intelligence on his face, and said, “Didn’t Kurapika say before that you’re Killua’s future sister-in-law or something… If I try to set you up with Kurapika, will Killua be angry?”

Before I could answer, he muttered to himself, "No way...it shouldn't be like that, after all, Killua and his older brother don't get along! Maybe he'd even be happy about it."

As he spoke, he opened his phone and scrolled through it for a while, muttering something strange under his breath:

"Oh, I think I even saw some gossip about your family and the Zoldyck family on the Hunter Association's website... After reading it, I realized your family is really amazing! When we first met, Kurapika and I just took you hostage like that. You were angry, weren't you? You even cooperated with us."

Muttering to himself, his movements suddenly froze, and he couldn't utter a word, his mouth stuck like a malfunctioning machine, repeating single syllables:

"You—you—you—"

What's wrong with me?

Feeling bewildered, I stuck my head over.

"What's wrong?" I asked. "What did you see that surprised you so much?"

Leorio remains frozen in place.

I steadied myself and finally saw the text displayed on his phone screen:

【……最新进展!艾德利安家的女儿有望嫁给揍敌客家的继承人!他们似乎在重新考虑婚礼规格和邀请名单!】

I:"……"

Wait, have I lost a piece of my memory?

What kind of unreliable rumor is this?

"The heir..." Leorio asked, his eyes glazed over. "Killua has already run away from home, so the Zoldyck heir here probably doesn't refer to him, right?"

“No,” I told him the truth honestly, “Mr. Silva and Mrs. Kikkyu still believe that Killua will eventually return home, so they are reserving this position for him. Illumi, who is the most likely replacement for Killua, has not expressed any objection either.”

Leorio asked naively, "But why are they putting you and Killua together? Killua doesn't want to go home in the first place, so forcing him like this will only make it more unlikely he'll go home."

"...Maybe they think this is what Killua wants," I said. "Besides, this news might not even be true. I didn't even know I was involved with Killua."

Leorio fell into deep thought.

After a while, he suddenly asked, "Then let's ask them."

I:""

He said, "I've been wanting to ask this before: since you and Killua grew up together, why haven't you contacted him yet? Have you forgotten how to contact him?"

Me: "...I really don't remember."

“Let’s ask him now!” he said, completely intrigued. “I’ve saved his number! We haven’t seen each other in ages, so we can arrange to meet him!”

As expected of you, Leorio.

I couldn't help but think that.

—Even though she's noticed I haven't been contacting Killua, she still came up with this terrible idea.

"No." I refused him decisively. "I don't want to see him for the time being."

"Why?" Leorio couldn't understand.

"The bride and her family in the south should stop seeing each other before the wedding. Don't you know this is a custom in many places?" I started to lie through my teeth.

“可是你又没打算和揍敌客结婚!”雷欧力欧认真地指出。

"That's hard to say," I scoffed. "If Kurapika doesn't want me anymore, I need to have a backup plan."

"Kurapika from the back lane" looked like his brain CPU was about to burn out.

"I really don't understand you guys..." Then he threw down his phone, dejectedly saying, "Such a complicated web of relationships..."

"Then don't try to understand, and don't get involved," I kindly advised him. "Since you've given me the 'good guy' card, just keep giving it to me."

“But there’s one thing I still want to understand,” he said, “did you actually change your mind about marrying Killua?”

“I don’t know,” I said calmly. “In their eyes, who I marry is not a decision I can make myself.”

What if you were to decide for yourself?

I made a suggestion.

Then I laughed maliciously.

“If we’re determined to spend our lives together,” I said, “we’ll exclude you and Kurapika first.”

Leorio sighed, "Women are so fickle... She just said she 'liked' me..."

“No,” I said, “it’s more like proof that I like you. ... Ah, so I really do like you guys.”

—Because I will absolutely make the person I spend my life with suffer forever.

I don't want them to suffer that pain right now.

That's strange.

This is not a choice I would normally make.

Have I changed slightly?

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Thank you so much for your support! I will continue to work hard!