Chapter 76

After going around in circles, everything has returned to its starting point, as if all the running around and escaping these past days had never happened.

Adrian was busy with his engagement party with Zoldyck, and my mother had less and less time to pay attention to my thoughts. She was only worried that I would do something I shouldn't do, so she ordered the bodyguards to follow me around at all times.

It was clear that she knew I was unhappy with the marriage, but she just didn't care.

I did not try to change her mind again.

I have come to realize that words and emotions cannot persuade or move my mother.

She only does what she believes in.

My mother's natural love for me will not diminish because I am ignorant and weak, nor will it grow because I am obedient, sensible, and suffer.

She has no eyes for me, only for herself.

I no longer need to consider her feelings. Even if it happened ten thousand times, I still wouldn't get the encouragement I want from her.

I waited quietly in the manor for a while.

It wasn't until the eve of the engagement, when my mother had almost lowered her guard against me, that she casually brought it up:

"I want to see Illumi."

"We can't really wait until the engagement to meet," I said, finding a good excuse for myself. I then played the victim to my mother, sounding melancholy. "It's been so long, I miss him."

My mother was pleased with my change, whether it was genuine or not, as long as what I did benefited her and the Zoldyck alliance, she would be happy.

“You’ve finally come to your senses, Ray,” his mother said with a smile. “Illumi and Kikyo would be so happy if they knew… I’ll go and contact Illumi for you right away, my dear.”

Anyone who didn't know better would think Illumi was her biological son.

I mechanically forced a smile.

On second thought, my mother loves anything that benefits her, and a workaholic like Illumi, who puts the family first, is exactly the kind of child she longs for.

Once you start to deduce that everything is "profitable," every behavior of my mother's that used to confuse me now has the best explanation.

I have never felt the world so clear before my eyes.

That's really interesting.

...About two days after this conversation, and with some time still to go before the engagement party, Illumi indeed paid a visit ahead of schedule.

When he arrived, I was listlessly huddled on the sofa in the corner of the living room, listening to the maid read to me the religious texts that Kuroro had left in the study.

It's boring, dull, and makes you drowsy.

Just as I was about to fall asleep, Illumi silently appeared beside me, carrying with him the scent of frost and death.

The maid stopped reading.

The man's tall, thin shadow fell in the direction of the light, enveloping me.

I slowly came to my senses, turned my head, and glanced at him.

His eyes remained unchanged, like two beautiful black beads, yet not a single ray of light could penetrate them.

Noticing my gaze, he opened his dark eyes and silently stared back at me.

"...Alright, you can leave now. We don't need you here anymore." I dismissed the maid and bodyguards.

They retreated outside the door.

I slowly crawled out from under the sofa.

This action triggered some kind of reaction in Illumi, and he scooped me up, took my place, and put me on his lap.

"Lady Adrian said, 'You missed me.'" He just stared at me like that, using a declarative sentence.

"Hmm...hmm." I wasn't feeling well, so I mumbled a few perfunctory replies.

Illumi, expressionless, exclaimed in admiration, "You've grown up! It's wonderful to see you like this, Rai!"

"Can you put me down?" I was used to his neurotic thought process and didn't bother to reply. I asked to myself, "You smell so strongly of dust and blood."

As long as it doesn't touch on his weird bottom line, Illumi is quite easy to talk to. He has his own set of moral standards, and what I said is within those standards.

"Sorry." He let go.

I stood up from his lap and stepped back onto the floor.

The feeling of being grounded made me feel better.

"It's okay." I decided to let it go.

"Is there anything else you wanted to see me about?" Illumi asked again.

I do have some things to do... I want to usurp the position of head of the Adrian family and then annul the engagement or something.

But Illumi is not someone I can easily order around.

Besides, he's very smart. If I show any abnormality, he'll definitely notice immediately... I don't want him to see through my disguise.

In the presence of these people, if I want to achieve my ultimate goal, I must be extremely careful and hide my true intentions in the deepest and darkest places.

Otherwise, they will use it against us.

“I’m a little uneasy,” so I started lying through my teeth, making up some irrelevant things, hoping to ease his guard before considering anything else, “We haven’t seen each other for a long time, and my mother suddenly told me to be with you…”

“Isn’t this something we agreed on long ago?” Illumi said matter-of-factly. “No matter what happened, you were supposed to be with me.”

"No matter what happened?" I looked at him with wide eyes. "Are you sure?"

Illumi remained silent for a moment.

I suspect he probably had some idea about my restless behavior during the years we hadn't seen each other.

It's amazing that he could restrain himself, given that he's such an extreme person in terms of possessiveness and control.

Illumi always baffles me in these ways. On one hand, he resists my getting closer to others, while on the other hand, he silently watches me searching for what he can't give me in other people.

“You’re smart, Ray,” he said to me after a moment of silence. “You should know where my bottom line is.”

It sounds more like a threat than a compliment.

I didn't say anything.

He reached out and patted my head. His palm was large, but it didn't reassure me at all; instead, it gave me goosebumps.

“I’ve always been very lenient with you, especially you… haven’t I?” he then asked me. “In Archie’s case, once was enough. I believe you don’t need me to resort to this method.”

The "method" he was referring to was the one where he inserted a needle into Killua's head to make Killua obey him.

ill.

This is the only word I can use to describe him.

But no matter how disgusted you are inside, you can't let it show on your face.

"Of course I wouldn't... Big Brother." To cheer him up, I lowered my eyes, feigning my usual weakness, and even took his hand in mine, pressing my cheek against it, looking at him with sorrow. "I'm just afraid... Why haven't you come to see me, not once, in all this time?"

In order to better confuse Illumi, I slowed down my voice considerably.

“Don’t leave me,” I said. “I thought… I would never see you again.”

The performance was very affected.

But Illumi falls for that.

I shed a few more tears, perfectly portraying a confused, broken, and vulnerable state, which pleased him even more.

I noticed that he leaned forward quite a bit, clearly showing that he was very interested in my performance, but he still pretended to be serious.

“You have indeed disappointed me, Ray,” I heard him say, feigning indifference, “but I’m still willing to give you a chance… I hope you won’t disappoint me again.”

This guy's really addicted to being the big brother.

Seeing that the atmosphere had been built up enough, I began to think about how to steer the conversation toward the final topic I wanted to bring out.

My mother ran Adrian for many years, and I wasn't even allowed to handle any family affairs.

Under these circumstances, trying to take away Adrian is simply a pipe dream.

I need to find a suitable excuse to get involved in the Adrian family's business.

Illumi is an excuse that a mother would never refuse.

However, Illumi doesn't really like letting me out either.

They all just want to lock me up, and they think it's for my own good.

However, compared to disciplining me, Illumi had something else he cared about even more.

Killua's whereabouts.

I swallowed back the words that were almost on the tip of my tongue: "Let's go check it out."

The atmosphere is just right now; Illumi has temporarily lowered his guard against me causing trouble, but that doesn't mean I can mention Killua in front of him right away.

Wait a while, or wait a little longer.

Two days from now, at the engagement party, I can legitimately say that I want everyone to attend our wedding, using the excuse of searching for Killua who doesn't want to go home and Alluka who has disappeared, to personally enter Adrian and participate in intelligence work.

They'll never be able to lock me up again.

Not just him and his mother, but also Chrollo, Hisoka, and even Killua.

I don't need anyone anymore.

...Seeing everything developing in the direction I expected, I rarely felt heartbroken anymore when I thought of any of them, as I used to. The world was calmer than ever before.

Illumi suddenly spoke again.

Because my cheek was still pressed against his palm, he gently lifted my face up.

“I’m really happy today, Ray,” I heard him say. “You and Archie have always been so shy, and although I know you admire me, this is the first time I’ve heard you say it out loud.”

His narcissism flared up again.

I wanted to sneer inwardly.

But then I heard him say, "Do you remember... when you and Archie were little, you couldn't beat Milluki. You two would always rush over, hug my legs and cry, asking me to stand up for you. You would hug the left leg, and Archie would hug the right leg... I really miss those days."

"You haven't mentioned asking me to stand up for you in a long time, and Milluki doesn't remember ever bullying you guys." He concluded, "It really has been a long time... but it's okay, we'll always be family."

He was so certain that the family's harmony would last forever.

I am also among the family he considers his family.

That familiar, desperate, and heartbreaking feeling rose silently from the darkness once again.

To me, Illumi is that kind of person.

Seeing him makes me feel pain.

Ironically, he considered me "a member of the family" even more than my mother did.

I can resolutely convince myself to no longer cherish my blood ties with my mother and no longer crave her love, but it's hard for me to say "no" to Illumi, who causes me pain.

Because all the few moments of happiness I have experienced are thanks to him.

If, if he hadn't treated me so harshly and coldly, if, if he had been more considerate of me...

Actually, the one I love the most has always been him.

I met him too early; everything I have was given to me by him.

But just like love, there is also hate.

Love and hate cannot be reconciled. Countless days and nights, while I fantasized about killing him, I also longed for his embrace.

...

God, something must have gone wrong with me.

It turns out that besides Illumi, I was also the one who locked me up next to him.