Chapter 114

◎Let me show you my secret◎

Zhan Xinyue buried her face in his arms for a while before lifting her head. Shi Ziqian said softly, "I'm sorry to have worried you. You really should go to sleep now."

Zhan Xinyue grabbed his clothes: "And you, are you sleepy now?"

Shi Ziqian answered truthfully, "Not yet."

Zhan Xinyue said, "Then I'll sit with you on the sofa for a while, and we'll go to sleep when you feel sleepy."

Shi Ziqian thought for a moment and nodded: "Okay."

The two dimmed the lights and sat side by side on the sofa chatting.

Zhan Xinyue was playing with his fingers when she suddenly noticed that his fingertips were covered in tiny cuts. She initially thought she was seeing things, but upon closer inspection, she saw that there were indeed many shallow wounds, clearly indicating that he had been injured recently.

She hurriedly asked, "How did you do that?"

Shi Ziqian glanced at it and said nonchalantly, "Maybe he got cut by the carving knife while carving something at night. It doesn't hurt; I didn't even notice."

"How could you be so careless?" Zhan Xinyue gently rubbed his hand and said worriedly, "Should we put some medicine on it?"

"No need, it's such a small wound, it hasn't bled much, it'll probably be healed by tomorrow morning."

Zhan Xinyue could only nod, and then asked, "What were you originally planning to carve tonight?"

Shi Ziqian said, "It seems like I didn't intentionally carve anything, but I really like the smell of sandalwood, and I feel it can calm my mind."

"It smells really nice, I like it too."

The two gradually lowered their voices. After a while, Zhan Xinyue heard his even breathing and thought he had fallen asleep. But when she turned her head, she saw Shi Ziqian with his head turned to her side, staring at her with his eyes open.

"Don't look at me, close your eyes," Zhan Xinyue said. "Relax, then clear your mind, don't think about anything."

Shi Ziqian closed his eyes as instructed: "Okay."

After a long time, Shi Ziqian's breathing became more and more steady. She felt relieved and gradually closed her eyes.

Just as she was about to lose consciousness, she felt Shi Ziqian lean closer to her and whisper something.

His voice was very soft, and she didn't hear it clearly at first. After a while, she realized that he was saying:

"New Moon, will you leave me...?"

It was just a vague murmur, but the sleepiness she had just begun to feel gradually dissipated.

All the things that had seemed off to her today started to connect: his sudden flight delay tonight, his unusual emotions during their kiss, and the sleeping pills he hadn't taken in over a month but had brought out again tonight...

Zhan Xinyue slowly opened her eyes. Shi Ziqian, as expected, hadn't fallen asleep and was still watching her. When he saw her suddenly open her eyes, he was startled, clearly not expecting her to be awake.

Zhan Xinyue: "What time did you get back today?"

"What do you mean?" Shi Ziqian turned his eyes away. "Around seven or eight o'clock, I can't remember."

Zhan Xinyue was silent for a moment before speaking: "Actually, you came back this afternoon, didn't you?"

This time, Shi Ziqian remained silent.

Zhan Xinyue quickly went through the scene of her meeting with Xu Shen that afternoon in her mind, and said with difficulty, "Ziqian, tell me, did you see something this afternoon?"

Shi Ziqian leaned back, looking away, his gaze somewhat unfocused: "Nothing."

Seeing his words, Zhan Xinyue felt even more certain. She took a deep breath, grasped his wrist, and said firmly, "You saw it."

"I didn't see it." Shi Ziqian slowly took her hand, seemingly wanting to say something but unsure how. His gaze wandered aimlessly around the room before finally settling on the door. Perhaps because she noticed the light peeking through the crack in the door, Panpan's paws were gently scratching at it, as if she wanted to come in.

After a long while, he lowered his head and said something strange in a very soft tone: "Xinyue, Panpan can't live without you."

It took Zhan Xinyue a long time to react before she finally realized that she had made a huge mistake today.

Before this, she hadn't thought that meeting Xu Shen was something worth mentioning to Shi Ziqian; subconsciously, she didn't consider it a big deal. Because to her now, he was truly just an insignificant person.

As her lover, she should have told him this sooner, especially since Shi Ziqian seemed to mind Xu Shen. Putting himself in her shoes, he rushed back to school to have dinner with his girlfriend, only to see her hugging the boy she had been entangled with in the past... Just thinking about it made Zhan Xinyue's eyes redden with heartache and guilt.

She tried to control her tone and said gently, "It's not what you think. You should have asked me directly after you saw it. This afternoon..."

Shi Ziqian interrupted her: "I don't want to ask. Xinyue, I think we are very happy now."

Shi Ziqian kept looking ahead, his tone calm, but she could feel his hand trembling as he held hers: "I just want us to stay like this forever, to live a good life together."

Zhan Xinyue felt increasingly uneasy and was about to explain when she heard Shi Ziqian speak softly, "I know you came to me because Wu Chuni said something to you. I know you pitied me..."

Her thoughts snapped out of her head, and she looked up blankly, seeing Shi Ziqian's red eyes. "I was prepared for you to leave sooner or later, but after summer vacation, I suddenly became greedy. Xinyue, I feel like I can't let go."

Zhan Xinyue was completely stunned. A hot tear fell onto the back of her hand. Shi Ziqian's low voice rang out: "Xinyue, I love you. Can we just stay together like this forever? I really can't..."

This was the first time she had heard Shi Ziqian say "love," but it was in this context.

Because it seemed so absurd, Zhan Xinyue forgot everything she was going to say and could only ask incredulously, "So, you've always thought I was with you because you pitied me."

Shi Ziqian lowered his eyes and remained silent; his silence proved everything.

"Shi Ziqian, look at me." Zhan Xinyue came back to her senses, squatted down in front of him, and stared intently at him. "I don't know why you would have such an absurd idea, but I'm not so noble as to be with someone just because I pity them."

Shi Ziqian's eyelashes trembled, and Zhan Xinyue continued, "If I feel sorry for someone, I might help them, but only to the extent that I can. I would never date them, hold their hands, kiss them, or take them home to meet my parents."

“But Xinyue.” Shi Ziqian looked directly at her, his eyes reddening, making her heart burn. “You’ve never said you liked me.”

The room fell silent instantly, so quiet that only the sound of each other's breathing could be heard.

Zhan Xinyue stared at him blankly. He had just said that his insomnia when they first got together was just because he wasn't used to it, just because he was insecure, and she had believed him. But now she finally realized that the problems between them were much, much more serious than that. What happened to Xu Shen today was just a trigger. In fact, he had never had any confidence in this relationship from the very beginning.

After a long pause, Zhan Xinyue suddenly stood up: "Wait for me."

She turned to leave, but Shi Ziqian stopped her: "Where are you going?"

"I'm going back to my dorm." After saying that, Zhan Xinyue saw Shi Ziqian's bewildered look and grabbed his wrist. "Never mind, we can't wait that long. You're coming with me."

The dormitory building was pitch black at this hour. Zhan Xinyue quickly swiped her card and went upstairs. Back in her dormitory, she took out the diary she had brought from home and then ran downstairs.

She always thought that she was the one who initiated the relationship. She ate and took walks with Shi Ziqian every day, and she couldn't help but smile whenever she saw him... All of this had long since shown her feelings.

However, she recalled the restrained and apprehensive look in Ziqian's eyes whenever he tried to kiss her when they first got together, and the question he whispered in her ear that night. It turned out that in Shi Ziqian's eyes, she was someone who would leave sooner or later. Did this mean that every time he felt happy, pain was always lurking nearby?

She had always thought Shi Ziqian was mature and steady, and even Zhan Wei thought so. So she completely failed to notice his insecurity and anxiety in this relationship, nor did she realize that he was actually a very insecure person. He had told her about his family long ago, and she should have noticed this, but she overlooked it because of his consistently gentle and stable demeanor when he was with her.

She ran all the way, but when she got to the dormitory building, her pace gradually slowed down.

Shi Ziqian was still standing under that street lamp, his back slightly hunched, looking up at the dark night sky.

She still remembered that on the night they first got together, Shi Ziqian was standing here, posting a message on his WeChat Moments.

She remembered the details very clearly.

He said: Dream or illusion?

Now she suddenly understood a slightly different meaning from those words: perhaps for him, it was all just a dream that could vanish at any moment.

Zhan Xinyue struggled to hold back her tears before walking towards him step by step: "Shi Ziqian."

Shi Ziqian turned his head upon hearing the sound.

Zhan Xinyue stopped in front of him, held up the diary, and forced a smile: "Do you want to see my secret?"

Shi Ziqian stared at her thick notebook for a long time before slowly taking it.

Their story began with a piece of paper that was pasted on the wall. The paper was a little worn, but it was pressed very flat.

First came the girl's delicate handwriting: "Shi Ziqian, what do you want?"

Below is his handwriting: "No, thank you."

"Oh, you're welcome."

"Um."

It was the first sports meet after the classes were divided. Most of the students in the class excitedly surrounded Zhan Xinyue, a day student, asking her to bring some snacks to school. After the crowd dispersed, Zhan Xinyue pushed over a neatly folded sticky note for the first time, asking him if he needed anything.

Shi Ziqian read through the pages slowly, one by one. As he did so, Zhan Xinyue spoke up: "Look, Shi Ziqian, the traces of our past story aren't just preserved by you alone; I have them too. And I knew you long before this note existed."

"You know, the first name I learned in high school was Shi Ziqian. And on the day we were assigned to classes, I accidentally became your deskmate. When I realized it was you next to me, I was nervous but also very happy..."

In her early teenage years, when Zhan Xinyue was just beginning to experience love, she had a crush on someone. That unrequited love was ultimately lost in the relentless march of time in her previous life, never to be known by anyone. But in this life, that girlish secret finally has the chance to be revealed to him, no longer needing to be sealed away in her heart alone.

Zhan Xinyue took a deep breath and looked at Shi Ziqian, saying each word clearly, "Shi Ziqian, you are very good, and very worthy of being liked."

She felt an overwhelming surge of affection, but if she didn't express it, her lover might not receive it. She knew this all along, yet she had unintentionally overlooked it. She only hoped that it wasn't too late to make amends.

Shi Ziqian slowly raised his head from between the pages, and saw that her eyes were even redder than before.

“So, I like you very, very much,” Zhan Xinyue said. “I’ve liked you for a long time.”

“I apologize for what happened today. I went to see Xu Shen only to put an end to this once and for all. I can explain this to you in detail, but what I want to tell you now is that I can only allow one person in my heart at a time. If I have someone I like, there will be no room for anyone else.” Zhan Xinyue held his wrist. “Right now, the person in my heart is you.”

Looking into his reddened eyes, Zhan Xinyue said earnestly, "Shi Ziqian, tonight is the first time you've said you love me. Can you say it again?"

"New Moon," Shi Ziqian's voice was hoarse, "I love you."

Zhan Xinyue tiptoed and bumped into his arms: "I love you too."