Chapter 34

I didn't react much to this situation of being excluded.

I felt somewhat annoyed, but mostly understanding. I understood his confusion at revisiting a familiar place, and his anger at the changed environment. At the same time, I hoped he could move on soon, and that the future described on the wishing rope would one day come true. I hoped he could be less angry, calmer, and accept reality. What's happening now cannot be changed, but if possible, he could still learn something about the current situation from the people that person might have interacted with.

I mean when the person is not physically dead. If death precedes their actions, no one can solve the problem.

"I really thought we could be together forever."

Gu Xinglian suddenly spoke in his voice, which still carried the lingering sadness.

I looked over when I heard the voice, but his eyes weren't on me. He was just talking about his past stories, his voice soft and distant, as if he had been gone from me for a long time.

And we never had any reason to talk about parting.

“We’ve been together since we were little, and our two families have a very good relationship. I’m a year older, so I should be more tolerant. But I’ve never been tolerant, because he’s so adorable, so adorable that even when I was little I knew that if I didn’t protect him, he would leave me sooner or later. His life doesn’t need me, but I need him very much.”

"When I'm with him, everything I do comes from the bottom of my heart. Sometimes my tolerance goes against my own will, but after meeting him, I never did anything to him that I didn't want to do."

Gu Xinglian told the story slowly and haltingly. He would pause whenever he reached a pronoun, reluctantly using "he." Perhaps it was because he longed to call the person by their name, yet he also harbored the shyness of youth, afraid of disturbing that sweet yet fragile first love, like a lychee.

"Of course, when we were little, I only stayed by his side as an older brother. He didn't only have me as an older brother, and I would sometimes be jealous of his older brother because he was older than us, so he always relied on his older brother when he was around. I, on the other hand, became his bodyguard and follower, rarely having the chance to stand by his side. After all, those were the warm moments between brothers."

“Back then, I was staying at their house, spending every day by his side, playing with the toys he had played with, reading the books he had read, and telling him the stories he had heard. I was happy because I was useful to him. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to bring him anything in this family, which would prove that I was just a stranger, and no one would ever hold my hand and care about me again, stare into my eyes just to cuddle with me, hug me in the warm afternoon sun, and fall asleep on me again…”

Gu Xinglian's eyelids were red. I felt like he was about to cry at any moment, and his voice was already trembling with sobs.

I couldn't quite describe the feeling in my heart. I began to suspect that I might have met that person before, because the scene he described was so familiar, so familiar that I felt I had recalled it not long ago. But I couldn't recall what happened next; I didn't know how things would develop. I remembered only what he mentioned, and nothing more.

Another point is, if I really did experience it, then what would my identity be? Would I be someone who heard Gu Xinglian tell these stories during the time I spent with him without knowing it?

“I liked him, but I wasn’t all I had. I found a replacement, and I wanted to prove that I had value beyond him. My ridiculous pride tormented me. I was too immersed in my own world. For a while, I was absorbed in the joy of observing the celestial phenomena and neglected his mental state. I didn’t care about him, didn’t care about his life. It was during that time that he changed. My departure, the unethical teaching of a teacher—he wasn’t the type to show his negative emotions to others. To catch up with my interests and have something in common with me, he also started learning astronomy, swallowing everything he didn’t understand, relying on his memory to calculate the galaxies around him using the Big Dipper. I didn’t listen, I didn’t listen…” Gu Xinglian repeated, his timeline poorly organized, only revealing his self-blame. “It was I who planted the idea that ‘the unknown is a miracle’ in him, leading to his gullibility and respect…”

I handed him a piece of paper. He took it, then looked at me, his eyes tracing my eyes down to the corners of my mouth. I felt a little uneasy, something strange sprouting within me, which I thought was that seed, its roots spreading through my limbs and growing in every vein.

Before I could even think about why it sprouted, or what I should do after it sprouted—none of which were explained in the books—I heard Gu Xinglian ask me, "You..."

I handed him a piece of paper. He took it, then looked at me, his eyes tracing my eyes down to the corners of my mouth. I felt a little uncomfortable. I saw him sigh, this time with a bitter smile, as if disappointed in something, yet wanting to try again.

He crumpled the paper in his hand, his fingers unconsciously twisting it into a small ball. I suspected something had happened in those few seconds that I hadn't noticed, otherwise it would be hard to explain his current emotions, which clearly didn't stem from the sadness he had just experienced.

His next action interrupted my thoughts. Gu Xinglian suddenly hugged me, unexpectedly, yet with a gentle force. He held me in his arms, his warm body sweeping away the cold from my body, and I realized that for some reason my body was as stiff as if I had died once.

“I used to hug him like that too,” Gu Xinglian said sullenly. “We considered hugging the most ordinary thing, and living happily together the simplest path in life. We were intelligent, had a harmonious family, and were relatively well-off. We were content with our lives and sincerely hoped it could continue forever. That’s what I thought, and that’s what he thought too, but we’re not the same person. He’s more shy than me, more attentive to other people’s feelings, eager to meet their expectations, and willing to bring hope to everyone.”

“He doesn’t see this as a burden, but I think it will cause him pain, and we even had a big fight about it. Of course, it was only me who argued, because he didn’t want to hurt me, so he always avoided the topic and didn’t show me his tired side. I couldn’t take it anymore, and finally grabbed him and forced him to answer me. I want him to be happy, but I don’t want him to be happy because of this. It’s gotten to the point where it’s out of control. I don’t want to see him show any signs that might lead to his future breakdown.”

I nodded, agreeing with Gu Xinglian's approach. Making helping others your sole purpose is indeed not a good thing. You should always have a reason for what you do, just like when I took those two children home.

I shifted slightly in his arms, awkwardly glancing around to make sure no one was watching us, and then continued listening.

“He listened to me, and this time he took it to heart. I thought the matter was resolved. In the past, he would never repeat the same mistake after listening to me, and he would never do it again after realizing his error. He always did such good things. He is the kind of person who corrects his mistakes and readily accepts good advice…” Gu Xinglian painfully released his arms from my embrace, then pressed down on my shoulders, looking directly at me, “Tell me, why would a person do that?”

I didn't know what he was asking me. Before I could even try to comfort him, he continued, "I know he failed his exam and hid in shame, I know he sent flowers to his mother, I know he ran around the house one day and made everyone search for him. I know every step of his life, but I don't know what he was thinking. I never thought he would do that. He promised me he wouldn't help others for the purpose of helping them anymore, but in the end he told me that those people would be happy."

Gu Xinglian's tears fell, but he was oblivious, letting them fall more and more. I reached out to catch them, and soon a small puddle gathered in my palm.

His grip tightened, without considering whether I would feel pain or discomfort. I understood him, so I gave him a gentle smile and tried to comfort him in a mild tone: "I know you're very sad. I believe that before he did this, he wanted you to be happy as much as he wanted those people to be happy."

I thought that person had gone to a remote mountainous area, or perhaps to carry out rescue operations in a place where they could not contact anyone. They could be a member of a peacekeeping force, or a member or non-organizer of an organization that travels to any dangerous place in the world.

I thought for a moment and then said, "I really hope you're happy. Because you're the person he cares about most besides his family."

I showed him the pool of tears in my palm: "Are you made of water? Gu Xinglian. Don't cry. He doesn't want to see you cry, and neither do I. You're crying so sadly, and it makes me a little sad too."

My only intention was to stop his tears, but I didn't expect him to cry even harder.