Answer

664.

Was canceling my phone number the source of all my mistakes? What if I called An Jin before canceling it? What if his number was already unavailable before I canceled it? How can I fix it?

When exactly did you leave?

665.

If God favors me and you still follow me, and I have been to all the places marked in your notebook, will you find that this is the route you have changed countless times and finally decided on?

Watching the snow in the cold winter, listening to the cicadas in the summer, I walk alone in my life without you.

One day, I was walking through a secondhand market. Every item on the stall had a story. Guess what I came across?

666.

"Is this motorcycle yours?" I stopped.

"I guess so. A lot of parts were broken, so I replaced them. If you really want it, I'll give it to you at a discount. It was already very old when I got it." said the stall owner.

"Where are the other two helmets?"

"It was broken a long time ago. How did you know there were two helmets?"

"Guess."

"Can you guess that?"

"Yes, I guess one is orange and one is blue."

"Awesome, bro."

......

667.

The color has changed, and there are more scratches. Even I can find it in another city a few years later, but you and I can't. I don't accept the absurdity of injustice.

668.

As an adult, I haven’t received any more sweaters from Aunt Xu. The few I used to wear hang in my closet, each one less fitting than the last. I imagine that the 27-year-old me is just as ill-fitting to the 24-year-old me.

I don't resist returning to that island; resisting would seem like I'm not calm enough. I don't resist the passage of time washing away my memories, nor do I resist the events that have happened to me. Sometimes I feel like An Jin is a puzzle, and sometimes I feel like An Jin himself is the answer. He's too stingy, too silent, and I've never even dreamed of him.

Speaking of dreams, I haven't had a good night's sleep in a long time. When I went to the hospital to register, they asked me to fill out some forms, but I just wanted to have more bottles and jars and a good dream.

669.

"How long have you suffered from insomnia?" the doctor looked through the assessment results.

"long time."

"Be more specific."

"About ten years, is it so troublesome to get medicine? When can I leave?"

"You can't leave."

He said I couldn't leave, saying it wasn't just simple insomnia. I asked if there was more complicated insomnia, but he didn't answer and arranged for me to be hospitalized.

670.

Pei Xuzhen, male, 27 years old, schizophrenia.

I said, "Wait a minute, this is a misdiagnosis, okay? I'm a normal person, why are you keeping me here?" They said, "Please cooperate with the treatment."

In the observation room, on a hospital bed, restraints prevented me from moving my arms and legs. Giving me paper cups meant giving me water, and giving me water meant giving me medicine. The pills came in all colors, and they said I'd be fine if I took them. Refusing meant I wasn't cooperating.

671.

There's no refusal. Don't want to take it? Wait for the injection. One shot makes you question the clock on the wall. Shortly after dinner, it's time to take the pills, and after lunch, it's also time to take the pills. If you behave, there are only four hours in a day.

I don't understand why I should cooperate, but if I want freedom of movement and want to leave the observation room, I have no choice but to do it.

Many people with similar symptoms in the ward left the observation room and moved to the ward. I tried to communicate with them. I figured there was always someone like me, just unable to sleep, nothing else. Not someone who needed to be controlled.

672.

I regretted it every time I communicated.

During meal time, I lined up to get my bowl and spoon. I asked the person in front of me,

"Why are you in the hospital?"

"I was kidnapped. I'm not from this planet. They have other intentions. A spaceship will come to pick me up next week..."

......

Ask me later,

"Why are you in the hospital?"

"Do you want candy?"

"Aren't you not allowed to bring candy? Do you have any?"

"I'll give you one, don't give it to anyone else."

"OK."

He asked me to hold out my hand, and I held it out. He handed me a button and asked me to eat it.

There are so many more things like this. I feel like I shouldn't be here, not even for a single day. I should go out and continue looking for An Jin.

673.

The doctor would talk to me twice a week. The content of the conversation would help him determine whether I was getting better, and based on the degree of improvement, he would decide when I could be discharged from the hospital.

"You don't chat with others anymore, why?"

"There's nothing to talk about."

"Your first dissociation was in junior high?"

"What is dissociation? I don't understand."

"It's like your soul has abandoned your body. You have no concept of time. You might think a few hours have passed, but in reality, a day might have gone by."

"If you say so, then so be it."

"You have a negative attitude?"

"My daily activities are limited to just a few rooms and a corridor. How can I be active?"

"You've been cooperating a lot lately."

"So when can I..."

"I'll let you know in advance if you can be discharged. Don't worry, okay? We're still under observation."

674.

Observe, observe the aloe vera in the corridor dying from lack of water, observe the quarrels between bed 14 and bed 19, observe that every meal is egg and tofu. The temperature is always in the teens, always waking up at 6 am and falling asleep at 7:30 pm.

I never knew before that people would long for freedom just as they long for water.

675.

"They can all play with their phones for half an hour, why can't I?" I asked.

"You keep calling a number that doesn't work."

"I'm just looking for someone."

"There's no one you're talking about, understand?"

"I don't understand. How long will I stay here?"

"Your social function has deteriorated."

"Humans aren't machines. What functions do they need? I've been wearing this hospital gown for a week. Can't I have a new one?"

......

"When was the first time you met that person?"

"It's been three months. Shouldn't you let me go?"

"Not a direct answer?"

"First year of high school."

"What month?"

"I forgot."

"What does he look like?"

“…I forgot.”

"Is there a pattern to the times he appears and disappears?"

"No." Yes, when I stop taking the medicine and when I take it again.

"Think about it again."

......