Can't change, can only hide

499.

You asked me how much I knew about An Jin? He said, "Less than 20%." He only talked to me about the present and the future; he didn't want to talk about the past.

He told me that narration was a continuation of his suffering. Only when I tried to understand more did he vaguely hint that he hadn't been like this before, that he was very different from when he was a child. I asked him how different, and he replied that the sky was as big as it was.

Such a difference gives me ample room for imagination.

How old were you when the freckles on your cheeks appeared? How do you feel about them? Are you proud? Because they're part of who you are? Or do you feel inferior? Do you know how quiet you are? Very few words. I've never seen you have other friends, nor have I ever seen you initiate a conversation with anyone. Did you always walk with your head down? Did you have a close friend? Why did you lose them? Does your name have any special meaning? You used to be lively and cheerful, so I don't remember you. How many shadows do you want to have...

500.

But An Jin knows me better than anyone I know. We haven't eaten together for a few times, but after finishing the test, we chatted. I mentioned my shortcomings, my lack, my powerlessness and insignificance. He interrupted me in time and said,

"I don't see any flaws in you, I only see your resistance to the past. It's almost impossible to change your essence. You can't change it, you can only hide it."

I made a lot of wrong decisions when I was a teenager, but after hearing this, I decided that there was a possibility for a relationship with him, and I hope that the future will prove that this decision was not wrong.

501.

Don’t ask me why, after all, it’s the same with orientation - you can’t change it, you can only hide it.

502.

The day my phone was confiscated, I passed a closed shop after school and considered buying a new one. It wouldn't have any old messages in it, no Dongdong, no past, only farewells. I stood in front of the shop for a while, with no plans. When you're lost in thought, you'll find yourself back at a familiar place: the doorway of my rental apartment, where An Jin stood, waiting for who knows how long.

"Is your phone broken?" he asked me.

"It was confiscated. Bad luck today."

"Are you unhappy?"

"No."

"I thought you were mad at me."

"No, you won't do anything to make me angry." You are different from Qiu Yang.

"Want to buy another one?"

“I can buy another one, but I don’t want to change my card.”

"Can we still have dinner together this week?"

"able."

"What about next week?"

"That's okay too."

After asking these questions, he was obviously relieved and said in a low voice,

"good evening?"

"good evening."

"Will you be unable to sleep today?"

"I'll take the medicine."

"Western medicine is not good for the body."

"I know." I know all dependence is bad.

"Eat less?"

"It depends."

503.

He walked down the stairs slowly and I closed the door without looking back.

504.

I arrived at the cram school in early November and signed up for classes other than foreign languages. After the schedule was set, I sacrificed my weekends. I hadn't been to that ice cream shop in ages; it was the only familiar place I feared.

505.

An Jin still followed me around, even when he wasn't in class. This was his tacit permission. And every time I turned around to check in, I felt a little more at ease. I also enjoyed chatting with him, even if it meant listening to his stress and annoyance. I loved watching him meticulously copying lyrics that would never be on the test. If he made a mistake, he usually didn't correct it, but instead tore off the page and started over.

If only I could live my life over again, I wouldn’t have so many regrets.

One day at a fast food restaurant, I asked him, "Why don't we go get porridge?" He said, "I thought you liked this." I said, "I thought you liked this, too." Later, we went to get porridge. The edges of the casserole pot are important to be careful of; he once accidentally burned his hand.

"Change seems simple, just like we know porridge tastes better, so we can choose to come here to drink porridge every day." I said to him.

When he lowers his head to write, the hair on his forehead appears longer. He said that simply changing one's choices is not change; change requires a complete overhaul of one's heart.

506.

How many times can you change your mind?

507.

I didn't say anything or ask anything. He put all the stationery away and put it into the gray schoolbag that had been with him for an unknown amount of time.

"Tomorrow is your birthday." He looked up at me.

"right."

"Where are you planning to spend the night?"

"How about we go to a fast food restaurant? I remember they give birthday gifts at fast food restaurants, like a paper crown."

"You like crowns?"

"No, I'm just kidding. You can spend the night wherever's more convenient for you. It's not that complicated."

Text messages are no longer suitable, face-to-face conversations are more important. I like to hear the changes in his tone, his unconscious expressions, his thoughts, and his lack of thoughts. I like him to open his eyes and ask me,

“Is this true?”

I would always smile and say, true or false.

508.

"How old are you?" This time we walked side by side.

I calculated that next year will be 2009. This year, I should be the same age as you. But if you want to be 18 forever, then I'll just... whatever.

"Probably the same year as you," I said.

"That's impossible." He tore off the bubble gum wrapper and put it in his mouth. He asked me several times if I wanted some, and I said no. He thought I didn't like candy, but that wasn't the case. I just wanted to look more mature than him.