Where is your partner?
509.
My birthday fell on a Friday, also the beginning of winter. I told An Jin to postpone it a day, saying Saturday would be more convenient. He said I should decide my birthday. Because of Xu Jiaheng, November doesn't matter as much to me as July. In the past, two or three months before his birthday, I'd start preparing, getting nervous, and worrying he wouldn't be happy enough.
Until I met An Jin, a man who puts you first in everything, a man who will never deny you no matter what. He will make you gradually rediscover your own importance, even if it is just a passing one, even if you feel that this importance is very hot.
510.
It rained heavily on Friday morning, so the morning exercises were cancelled. Qiu Yang came to the classroom door to block me. I don’t hate him now, but I’m afraid of him because since I told him that I have a partner, whenever he sees me, the first thing he asks is,
"Where's your partner?"
I asked this many times and it seemed like what I said that day was just a lie.
Something that is unfinished but bound to happen is not a lie. But I don't want to tell him. If I tell him who it is, he'll ask more. Ask why, who is chasing whom, and how long.
511.
"Where is your partner?" He never answered, and instead of asking seriously, he asked jokingly.
"I'm saying this one last time. It has nothing to do with you."
"Why doesn't it matter anymore?"
"It doesn't matter anyway." I looked at him. He was much taller than me, with superior facial features. It shouldn't be difficult for him to find a partner. But why did he keep giving me trouble again and again?
"You have someone you like? Not Xu Jiaheng anymore?"
This is a good question, I should answer it, but I asked him,
"I don't know what it means to like someone, do you?" Actually, I know exactly what it means, but I just can't find a point of comparison, a scale to measure it. I liked Xu Jiaheng before, that's a fact. Does my liking for someone else have to exceed my past liking for Xu Jiaheng to count as love? This is my doubt.
"You ask me?"
"Yes, didn't you say I could ask you for advice on any relationship issues?"
His expression showed a little surprise besides expectation. He couldn't see it, but I could see it. He thought for a while and said,
"If you like someone, you'll pay a lot of attention to them. You'll pay close attention to their actions. Maybe if they laugh, you'll find something that wasn't funny funny. If they're happy, you'll be happy too. If they're unhappy, you'll be unhappy too. Sometimes you'll even feel a little possessive, hoping that you're important to them, the most important, so that everyone else doesn't matter so much..."
"Okay, I get it." I know whether I like An Jin or not, and you talk too much. I like people who don't talk much, but if An Jin talks a lot, I think he's cute.
"You know that now? Who do you like?" I saw expectation in Qiu Yang's eyes.
"It has nothing to do with you." I won't tell you even if we talk about it.
"Again, it doesn't matter again?"
It was almost time for class, so he left because the art building was still a bit far from us. Looking at his back, I remembered something. A small incident from my childhood.
512.
Which is more important, the intro or the chorus? Which is more important, the rhythm or the melody?
This was a difficult question my eight-year-old self couldn't handle, a question my teacher asked me. Now, years later, at eighteen, I've finally figured it out. No longer needing to dwell on whether Xu Jiaheng or An Jin is more important.
513.
Do you want to know the answer? I want to tell you that the answer is that Xu Jiaheng never liked me.
514.
My Saturday tutoring teacher stayed late, and class ended around 6:30. I walked to the first floor stairs and saw An Jin still waiting for me. I apologized to him.
"Is the class delayed?"
"Yes, the teacher said that the get out of class would end after we finished this question. I didn't know it would take so long."
"fine."
"Where should we eat? Let's just pick a random place nearby. Are you hungry?"
"It's okay. Choose what you want to eat the most, don't settle."
What do I want to eat the most? Well, I can only buy two boat tickets first.
515.
I took An Jin to Qiu Han's barbecue restaurant. Actually, there's a branch in Wulin City, and the food is pretty good, and it's not far from the cram school. But I didn't choose this place out of sentiment. I just wanted An Jin to stay with me longer, even if it meant going on an unnecessary journey. I just wanted to see him longer. It was my selfish desire.
Before we even got off the boat, he asked me where we were going to eat. I gave him a rough idea of where we were going, but he said he'd never been there. I was surprised because Qiu Han's BBQ is the most famous and popular on the island. The other BBQ restaurants around it are practically impossible to leave.
516.
I'd reserved a table in advance. Since the island was so small, I was expecting to run into someone I knew. An Jin didn't say much while he ate. When I went to the front desk to pay, I turned around and saw Xu Jiaheng. He was also sitting at a table for two. The girl across from him was probably his girlfriend. I don't know what he said to her, but they laughed for a long time.
If a scene like this had appeared in my dreams, in my past dreams, I would have considered it a nightmare. But no, after seeing him, I just wanted to know how he would react when he saw me. There was no unnecessary sadness or sorrow.
517.
There was no response. He pretended not to know me, or pretended not to see me. He didn't talk to me, nor did he say hello, as if our past was nothing but empty talk.
I walked back, clutching the change and receipt, and sat down at my own table, back to back with Xu Jiaheng. At that moment, I wondered: was he Xu Jiaheng, or was he just someone who looked a lot like him? I hoped it was the second possibility, but his voice and the jellyfish keychain hanging from his bag reminded me otherwise.
Tell me, not only the one who smiles at you is Xu Jiaheng. The one who doesn't care about you can also be Xu Jiaheng.
518.
I no longer think about what is happening behind me or the person sitting there. Instead, I ask An Jin in front of me,
"Are you full?"
He nodded.
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