The first autumn

315.

Looking back, I can't remember how many years I've suffered from insomnia. In junior high, I only told my mom and Xu Jiaheng. In high school, I brought it up once in front of my homeroom teacher, who said, "How can a child have insomnia? Why are you overthinking so much? Just finish your homework and get some sleep." I can finish my homework, but sleeping is really hard.

I was terrified when I thought that I might run into Qiu Yang in various places on my way to school.

He dreaded even gym class. He often ran on the track. Whenever he saw me, he'd glare at me. I still remember how many times he'd angered me, and I never forgave him. Half of each gym class is free time, so cherish it. Basketball if you like, basketball; volleyball if you like. I like to buy food from the cafeteria.

The cafeteria is far from the track and field, and there are so many floors. I always order something different to avoid him noticing my pattern. But sometimes fate is just not kind. I drink corn porridge, and he drinks it too. I eat mushroom buns, and he eats them too. As a result, I never think about what I want to eat. Instead, I see him in line and know what I don't want. I just turn around and leave.

316.

He also bought an MP3 player, the same one I bought for Xu Jiaheng. I haven't seen it up close, so it's possible Xu Jiaheng passed it on to Qiu Yang. I think this is a good thing. When he's listening to music, it's hard for him to spot me, and when he does, I can't run away. I really can't outrun him. I haven't trained like him.

In physical education class, he pulled my collar because I didn't carry my backpack.

"open."

"Are you here to buy something to eat?"

"I don't want to eat anymore."

"What are your plans for the future?"

"No plans. Why does your class have so many physical education classes?"

"Want to come?"

"No, let me go."

"You lack exercise."

"So you pulled me?" Exercise like this? ?

"There's a new swimming pool near No. 4 Middle School, but it's not very crowded yet."

Got it, if you're going there, I won't be around there.

"so?"

"Swimming together?"

Are you crazy? I don't even want to go to the beach. Learning to swim?

"Thank you. You can go by yourself."

"Xu Jiaheng goes there to swim every weekend afternoon."

What do you mean? You've decided to play fair now? I feel like we're done for a long time.

"What time is it?"

"Half past three."

"See you there."

317.

When others know what you care about, they can control you to a certain extent. Just like last time, when he mentioned bookmarks and class reunions, it forced me to go somewhere, or not go somewhere.

I don't like this feeling.

318.

Actually, when I think about it, none of this really matters to me. What matters is that Xu Jiaheng can't possibly like me, and I better find out who sent the text message. It could be someone from our school, or even from my old school. I have a vague feeling that something is following me. Is it a sin to not read a love letter?

As soon as I got home, I received this message. Is it a sin to go home?

Not all questions have answers.

319.

When I was in the first year of high school, I was very curious and wanted to find answers to all questions, whether they were right or wrong.

There are also many alleys, many small stalls, and many intersections near Wulinyi. Every time I pass an intersection, I will consciously want to see what is happening at what place. The public security at that time was far worse than it is now. Once I passed a small alley and heard someone shouting inside,

"Fight, fight!"

I was just passing by and decided to take a look. Then I realized it was a fight between Han Han and Guo Jingming fans. Before I could even retreat, they grabbed me and asked, "Who's your side? Who do you like more?" I quickly raised my hand to say I was a Qiong Yao fan, and they let me go.

Then my curiosity was no longer strong.

320.

There are many things you need to understand, and many things you don't. But I really don't understand why Xu Jiaheng likes Li Enhui. I have to figure this out, so I'm going to the swimming pool instead of the ice cream shop on weekends.

It’s best not to compare swimming pools and the sea. I’m afraid of both pool and sea water.

I arrived at 2:00 AM for Xu Jiaheng, and he actually showed up at 3:30 AM. Why did Qiu Yang know his habits and every move, but I couldn't? At the last class reunion, he only smiled at me, then was busy chatting with Li Enhui and didn't look at me.

"Hour?!"

He smiled at me again, making me feel like I was back in the first year of junior high school.

This familiarity was too strange, I didn't know how to react. He called out again, and then I asked,

"Do you like swimming here?"

He tilted his head and said,

"I learned it when I was a kid, but now I can't swim fast. Didn't Qiu Yang tell you?"

He said he just said that two days ago.

"No, you guys swim together every week?"

"No, he has training and is too busy."

"Do you like swimming?"

"I'm not really into it, but I'm just worried about rebounding from the weight loss, so I'm going to try some exercise. Do you have a trainer? If not, I can teach you."

I shook my head and said no, I was scared. He smiled and swam back and forth in front of me a few times. I watched carefully, watching him breathe every time he surfaced.

"How is it? Isn't it awesome?" He took off his swimming goggles.

"Are you tired?" When I imitated you, I realized how tired you were.

"I'm not tired. If you're really scared, don't apply for the card. Otherwise, what a waste."

"It's okay, I don't want to be afraid." I want to know what other parts of your life there are that I don't know.

"You're so... Oh, Qiu Yang is here, behind you."

I don’t want to think about it anymore.

321.

Qiu Yang is taller and stronger than me. I thought to myself, it’s okay, I’m whiter than him.

But I still don't want to see him. Seeing him reminds me of him coming to my house and slamming the door. I'm glad he slammed the door, because I wanted him to leave, and I still do. Getting along with others is a science. Or, rather, a subject. Compulsory or optional.

I failed the exam as soon as he came.

322.

"Do you want to hire a coach?" Qiu Yang asked me.

I want you to leave.

"No."

"I'll teach you."

There's no need for that. I'm here to see Xu Jiaheng, so I can leave. Just as I was about to leave, Zha Mao Gou pulled me again, this time by my shoulder. You can buy or rent slippers at the swimming pool, but whether you buy or rent them, they're not very slip-resistant. When I was about to fall, Qiu Yang reached out to pull me, but I dodged.

Fell precisely into the pool.

323.

Survival is a human instinct, and my limbs thrashed about. They stood on the shore, one dazed, the other trying to reach me. My vision blurred, and my nose ached from the water. I heard Qiu Yang calling my name, knowing he was trying to "save" me. I wouldn't give him the chance. After my vision blurred, I was surprised to find I was moving forward.

I can swim.

Can I swim? Yes, I can.

324.

When? Why weren't those memories there before? Why are the forgotten always buried in the corner, drowned by water, drowning the dying me of the past.

I didn’t know how to get ashore, I just knew that both my left and right eyes were hurting.

Finally, Dongdong wiped my cheek with a towel. My head ached and I coughed as he did so. As he wiped my cheek and ears, I heard my phone ring briefly. He was there too. Who was he? Who was watching me? Who was hiding somewhere, watching everything?

"You're wrong." Dongdong said this when his guess was interrupted.

"What?" You also think my feelings are not real, right?

"I think my second aunt is wrong. Your eyes are not like mint, but like dew on lotus leaves. Like the first autumn."

I thought autumn leaves weren't this color, but I also wanted him to look at me. Seeing the mess I'd made, was this what Qiu Yang meant by "overdoing something."

325.

As expected, Qiu Yang was going to scold me. He stood behind Dong Dong with his arms folded and said,

"Idiot."

Do you have any other words? Do you have any other cleverness that can surpass mine? I don't understand why you provoked all this, but please look carefully, Dongdong, you are behind me, and I am in front of me.

I really don't want to be involved with Qiu Yang anymore. I don't want to be bothered by anyone anymore.

I swim forward because the past is holding me back. Who is holding me back? It's you. Without you, I wouldn't fall. Without you, I wouldn't slip. Without you, I wouldn't be so unbalanced. I'd gladly be his lifelong friend. You're the one causing all this trouble.

It is you who makes me hate the most and it is still vivid in my mind after replaying it.

"Shut up." I said to Qiu Yang.

"I didn't mean to do that," he said.

Now I understand why you told me Xu Jiaheng's purpose in being here. Don't say you didn't mean it.

"Go away." My eyes hurt and I don't want to see you anymore.

"Just kidding, why didn't you tell me you could swim?" I sat on the ground and he reached out to pull me.

"Qiu Yang, I will never forgive you." Your joke is enough to make me hate you for the rest of my life.

"Is he so stingy?" He pointed at me and looked at Xu Jiaheng.

"Hey, be quiet for a moment. Can't you see Xiaoshi is shaking?" Dongdong seemed a little angry.

326.

Worried about me? Good. Choosing between me and Qiu Yang to protect me? Even better.

I suddenly felt that falling down wouldn't be bad. At least I could see your reaction and see who you think is right and who is wrong. If I'm right, then choose me. It's best to ignore him. You don't even know how jealous I am when you're here so often.

327.

Dongdong handed me a tissue to wipe my nose and asked if I felt any discomfort. I shook my head, and he told me to lie down on the lounge chair while he continued swimming. He told me to wait until he was done, and then we could go together.

Qiu Yang left early because of something. He gave me a cold look before leaving, so I went back in vain.

My flip phone was on the small round table between the lounge chairs, dislodged from its spot by the ringing and vibrating of a missed call. I called back, and it actually connected?

The other party didn't speak, and neither did I. The situation remained frozen for a few seconds, and I held my breath, listening to the other party's breathing. Just as I could detect a hint of anger, I hung up.

328.

I held my phone in one hand, staring blankly at the waves in the rectangular pool.

The number that just hung up: Why are you here?

The number that just hung up: Do you like this place, or do you like the people here?

I was filled with emotion and wanted to respond to everything. Perhaps Qiu Yang was also filled with emotion the whole time, which was why he wanted to curse everything.

Me: Does it have anything to do with you?

The number that just hung up: Who are you looking at?

Me: No matter who I look at, you are looking at me.

Me: Is it fun to pretend to be blind?

The number that just hung up: Are you impulsive?

The number that just hung up: Will you be angry because of my anger?

Me: I’m asking this one last time.

Me: Who are you?

Me: What is your purpose in approaching me?

Me: Does it matter to you whether I change or not?

I remembered everything and there was no way to change it.

The number that just hung up: We’ve met before.

The number that just hung up: many times.

I took a deep breath and turned off the phone.

329.

Finding the reason why Xu Jiaheng liked Lai Enhui was task one. Finding the person who kept changing their number and texting me was task two. I failed today.

But it was inexplicably successful because on the way to send Xu Jiaheng back to school, I bought him another bowl of cake.

Seeing him eating so happily, I became happy too.

I chewed a lot of words and swallowed them into my stomach.

330.

I would like to say:

I really don’t want to hug you tightly after you consciously push me away; I don’t want to look for a back similar to yours in the campus without you, and look at each other from afar; I don’t want to pass by those good friends walking or sitting together, as if I passed by us and didn’t grow up.

I don't want to admit that we are different from the beginning to the end.