Chapter 54 The Two Years Apart: Self-Relief from the Sister-in-Law's Perspective

This is the first year since Liu Chengxu left.

Several heavy snowfalls have occurred in the north.

She felt the chill in Guangzhou, and her first thought wasn't to put on more clothes, but to check the weather on her phone.

Swipe left to check the weather in Shanghai.

It snowed in Shanghai too.

Su Zhiluo's impression of this city came from TV dramas. Shanghai was always very prosperous, and the people in the dramas wore fitted cheongsams and dressed very elegantly. It was a prosperous and beautiful city.

Su Zhiluo looked for a long time, then casually made herself something to eat. Chang Ruyin had stocked up on some seafood for her last visit, and made about ten packs of shrimp paste. She seemed to lack energy by herself, and nothing tasted good to her.

My nose started to sting, and tears welled up and fell into the boiling pot. Suddenly, on this not-so-special day, I thought of Liu Chengxu.

She raised her hand and wiped away the tears that suddenly welled up in her eyes.

From the very beginning, she set boundaries for herself, deciding that she would no longer love anyone, and even less could she love Liu Chengxu; their relationship was simply impossible.

But.

Liu Chengxu, what are you doing right now?

Are you cold? Are you wearing enough clothes?

The weather is bad where you are, don't catch a cold.

Su Zhiluo opened her chat history with Liu Chengxu.

The last message in the chat was: "I love you."

But all she could hear was that sentence.

I hate you.

"Su Zhiluo, you've lost me."

The pain was piercing and excruciating, spreading outwards along her nerves until her entire head suddenly throbbed. Unable to bear the agony, she crouched down, clutching her head, pleading with the voice in her brain to stop.

But the sound didn't stop; instead, it kept flashing back to scenes of their past time together.

Liu Chengxu brought her many, many things to see her, and no matter what he did, he would call out "Sister-in-law," "Sister-in-law, have you eaten?" "Sister-in-law, what are you doing?" "Sister-in-law, I wanted to come see you." "Sister-in-law, I love you."

The more I think about it, the deeper I go, and the more headache I get.

It's not cold in Guangzhou at all.

She quickly transferred a sum of money to Liu Chengxu.

The last time money was transferred was on the day of Lidong (the beginning of winter), and Liu Chengxu transferred it back intact without exchanging a single word with her.

As always, the money was transferred very quickly.

Liu Chengxu once said something like this.

"They transferred money to me as if they were confirming whether I was alive."

Su Zhiluo couldn't refute it at the time, but now she knows very clearly that she wants to stay in touch with Liu Chengxu, even if it's just a simple money transfer, she feels that their relationship hasn't been severed.

The shrimp balls in the pot were almost cooked, and the water kept boiling. She stared at them uncontrollably, with no appetite.

She stood in the kitchen eating, and after a few bites, she realized she hadn't added any seasoning, so she just made herself a quick dipping sauce.

I could almost hear that familiar voice saying, "Sister-in-law, I'll take care of it. You don't need to cook since I'm at home. Just tell me what you want to eat."

Su Zhiluo suddenly realized a truth: being with someone who knows how to love makes you lazy.

This inertia grows from love.

I was once loved tenderly, with someone to stand shoulder to shoulder through thick and thin, someone to share the burdens, and I only needed to lightly shoulder a small part. As time went by, I grew accustomed to that warmth and weight.

It wasn't until I lost that person that I realized the world had suddenly become empty and strenuous. The everyday things that used to be taken for granted now felt incredibly heavy. It wasn't that I couldn't do them, it's just that suddenly, even raising my hand felt too tiring.

Habit is more terrifying than dependence. Dependence is knowing you're relying on someone, while habit is weaving that person's presence into the fabric of your life. When that companionship is suddenly removed, what remains is not just emptiness, but also a disheartening loss of interest in everything.

It felt like my bones and muscles had been removed; even breathing was difficult.

She felt that she was ill.

She was too lazy to eat, and all she could hear was Liu Chengxu talking. She had contracted the same illness that Liu Chengxu had before: auditory hallucinations.

Su Zhiluo tried her best to cheer herself up and regulate her emotions. She went to work first, and then she and Chang Ruyin went to look for a place to live. As the factory grew larger, they needed to rent a better place for migrant workers to stay.

The two spent the whole afternoon running around and signed a contract with the landlord. Chang Ruyin used her phone to book a bathhouse online, planning to relax with a good scrub. Su Zhiluo just scrubbed her back and rinsed off in the water. She told Chang Ruyin to enjoy herself first, and then went out for a while.

Chang Ruyin's phone was locked in the cabinet; they didn't allow phones inside the bathhouse, so there was no way to ask her where she was.

Su Zhiluo walked slowly along the road. Winters in Guangzhou aren't very cold, but the changing seasons are still distinct. A few leaves still clung to the trees along the roadside, swaying gently in the breeze. Pedestrians on the street had traded their summer sandals for light jackets.

When I came to my senses, I realized I had entered a photo studio.

As soon as Su Zhiluo entered, the staff at the photo studio immediately came to greet her and asked what style of photos she wanted to take. Su Zhiluo was stunned for a moment.

The receptionist asked, "Do you have a reservation? There's a discount if you order through Meituan now."

Su Zhiluo said, "I want to print the photos."

"Oh? That probably won't work. We're taking birthday photos and wedding photos." The receptionist said, "You can call that person over, and the two of you can take the photos together. We can do makeup and styling for four people now, and we can give you all the original photos. Newly taken photos are also very meaningful."

Su Zhiluo said, "She is not in Guangzhou."

The receptionist seemed hesitant, but then said, "You can renew the contract."

Su Zhilu thought it was something you could do by paying money to print it, and she said, "That's right, I can pay any price..."

“No, you took this with your phone, right? We need a camera for this. I suggest you…” The other person was a college student. She looked around and, not seeing anyone else, whispered, “Use Pinduoduo.”

Su Zhiluo's nose stung with tears, and she felt a little uncomfortable listening to this. "I want it soon."

The other party said, "It's definitely faster online. It would take us at least two weeks, really, I'm not kidding you. You can get it online in a day or two."

"Can it be done in two days?"

Her eyes lit up, and the receptionist nodded, "Yes, Pinduoduo, two for 19.9 yuan. You can choose Yiwu or Guangzhou for shipping, it will be very fast."

Su Zhiluo thanked her.

She came out of the photo studio, holding her phone, looking at the photos carefully. She walked back, passing a roast duck shop.

She and Liu Chengxu had bought from this store before. At first, Liu Chengxu couldn't get used to it and didn't understand why it had to be dipped in plum sauce. She would always buy it, stir-fry half of it with chili, and then dip the other half in the sauce.

They passed by a mango pomelo sago drink shop. Su Zhiluo didn't like mangoes, but she loved drinking this in the summer. Liu Chengxu would bring her a serving whenever he went to help out at the warehouse, but she preferred ginger milk curd.

The road was a bit long, and it was dark by the time I got downstairs.

Chang Ruyin didn't go back; she sat by the flower bed waiting for her.

Chang Ruyin was about to ask why Su Zhiluo had run away, but noticing that something was wrong with her, she immediately figured out why. She went over and pulled Su Zhiluo to sit by the flower bed.

She said, "If you miss her, go find her."

Su Zhiluo said in a muffled voice, "She probably doesn't like me anymore."

Chang Ruyin said, "That's not a problem. If she dares to dislike you, I'll scold her for you."

"No need." Su Zhiluo didn't know who to talk to; Chang Ruyin was her best friend.

She said, "I just feel like I hurt her. She chased after me for years, and I never responded to her, I was so slow..."

“Su Zhiluo, what are you thinking? Do you remember how long you thought about it when you decided to take her in? Two hours! Do you know how surprising that is?” Chang Ruyin said, “If she doesn’t love you anymore, then forget it. You should forget about her. She’s not worth it. Anyway, I think you’re great.”

A feeling of self-loathing silently welled up inside me.

She felt that someone like her was probably born unworthy of love. She was indecisive in everything she did, neither decisive nor cowardly. She always clumsily pierced other people's hearts, yet she couldn't even muster a little courage herself. It seemed that no matter how much time passed, she was just standing still, stuck in the mire, unable to break free.

When she came to her senses, her cheeks were already ice-cold.

She raised her hand to wipe it, but the more she wiped, the wetter it became, until the back of her hand was soaked. She looked down at the tears falling one by one into the lines of her palm, her hands trembling uncontrollably.

Su Zhiluo didn't say anything, she just quietly shed tears.

After a long while, she whispered, "I'll go check on her."

“Go if you want to.” Chang Ruyin said, “Look at me, if someone else had said that to Yang Jie, they would have thought I was crazy. But it’s not easy for anyone to come into this world. If you want something, you should have it. You have to be happy. You can’t wait for the next life for everything. Scientists say there is no next life.”

Su Zhiluo nodded.

Chang Ruyin sat with her for a while, and realizing that he wanted to be alone, she took him upstairs and then went back home.

Su Zhiluo returned home and sat in the living room for a while. Then she sent a text message: [Where do you live? What's your address?]

The message was not replied to.

Su Zhiluo held her phone, overwhelmed by sadness. She was worried and afraid that the other end would reply with something like, "No need, don't come," or something even more painful: "I've fallen for someone else."

This thought startled her awake after she had finally managed to force herself to sleep.

She realized that she couldn't control her nature after all and hadn't done what an elder should do; she had developed feelings for the child she had raised that went beyond the bounds.

I didn't sleep well.

Su Zhiluo took a day off. Holding her phone, she went to the Pearl River, found the place where she and Liu Chengxu had taken photos, and felt the evening breeze they had once shared.

News came from the factory that Liu Chengxu's parents had come looking for them. Su Zhiluo was used to it, but once again she felt a deep sense of helplessness.

Why do we always have to come?

When she returned and saw their faces, before they could even reprimand her, she began to scream hysterically, "Why do you have to keep bothering me? Why don't you just die? Shouldn't you be the ones who die?!"

She collapsed and lunged at them, wrestling with them, sometimes punching them on the head, sometimes pounding the ground with her fists.

Su Zhiluo said, "I was already prepared to go find her, I was already prepared to see her, how am I supposed to go?! How can you all be so awful!"

Taipei was blanketed in heavy snow due to the cold front, while Shanghai's Bund was shrouded in a fine snow curtain. But Su Zhiluo, living in Lingnan, a city where it almost never snows, felt a chill seep into her bones.

That chill didn't come from the outside, but from the depths of my heart.

She stood on the pedestrian overpass, gazing at the streaks of light left by the traffic below.

She remembered someone saying many years ago that they wanted to buy a big house, to have a home. Now, those cities where it actually snows are no longer relevant to her.

Her phone vibrated.

I received a message: "What does this have to do with you?"

My heart feels a sharp pain.

Su Zhiluo repeatedly typed on the keyboard.

Type the following: [It must be snowing.]

Liu Chengxu replied: [Yes.]

Su Zhiluo was in a daze for a moment, then regained her composure: "I want to know where you live so I can send you something."

Liu Chengxu: [No need.]

Su Zhiluo wanted to send a message, but she hesitated to send it, fearing that Liu Chengxu would say no.

Su Zhiluo tried typing.

The reply came from the other end: "Are you cold?"

Guangzhou isn't as cold as Shanghai. Su Zhiluo felt cared for; it meant they still cared about her. Touched by this, she replied, "It's alright."

Spending too much time in warm places seems to make one exceptionally sensitive to the cold. She received another message telling her to "wear more clothes," and she couldn't stop crying.

She walked along this street for a long time.

On the way back, she was on the subway, which was very crowded and everyone was swaying. Holding her phone, she thought: Go, go find Liu Chengxu.

I need to repeat myself. You are very important to me too. I love you, more than I ever imagined.

She didn't remember how she fought with those two people from the Liu family, or how she got back; all she knew was that she had a terrible headache.

She touched her head, her throat feeling terribly dry, and said, "I miss you, I miss you, Liu Chengxu."

Chang Ruyin was very worried about her.

I specially prepared a meal to visit her. Yang Jie is a very good cook, but she kept thinking that my Cheng Xu cooks very well.

She's the best at cooking fish.

Su Zhiluo didn't want to get sick, so she packed her things and found a small gray dog ​​in a box.

When Liu Chengxu was 14 years old, he would sleep with his puppy every day, and he would also cover the puppy with a blanket and dress it.

Later, Su Zhiluo even altered old clothes to make a dress for the puppy, and Liu Chengxu slept with the puppy all the way up to high school.

This little dog is truly significant; it accompanied Liu Chengxu throughout his youth and will also accompany Su Zhiluo through all her lonely times.

She replied: "Yes, wear more clothes when it's cold."

Liu Chengxu: [Is that all you know?]

Su Zhi's fingers landed on the keyboard. She thought for a long time, each word hesitant and trembling: "Then, can I think of you?"

A message came back from the other end.

You're trying to trick me again, fooling me time and time again.

Shortly after, a voice came from the other end: "I don't believe you."

Taipei used to be very cold, but she thought she could just tough it out and that it wouldn't be too cold if the two of them huddled together.

She felt terribly cold. She stared at her phone, and she could feel someone else staring at their phone too; her heart ached terribly.

She tried to tell herself that this was alright.

She tossed and turned all night.

She thought about many things. Liu Chengxu secretly kissed her, and she knew but pretended not to know.

Perhaps because I had survived my period and drunk the crucian carp soup that Chang Ruyin had specially sent over, my body started to react, and I felt very uncomfortable.

He just wanted to mess with himself.

This feeling is shameful.

It's more shameful than ever before.

She had been immersed in grief, only shedding tears, but this time it seemed her tears were flowing from a different place.

She tried hard not to think about it, but the feelings, suppressed for so long, finally erupted today. They were fierce.

The place had been touched by Liu Chengxu's fingers, and whenever it itched, she would think of Liu Chengxu, as if she needed Liu Chengxu to put her fingers in to relieve the itch.

This kind of thing should be prohibited from the beginning, because over time, the thought of Liu Chengxu will evoke stronger feelings there than in her heart. Su Zhiluo resisted doing it, but she endured it, and when she put her fingers on it, they became wet and moist.

She looked at the dampness on her fingertips.

What exactly are they struggling with?

If the heart can withstand it, the water will flow endlessly.

What a failure!

Su Zhiluo's fingers couldn't help but wander there again.

All she could think about was the image of Liu Chengxu kneeling between her knees, welcoming the water with her tongue.

Her eyes were fixed on the puppy.

I felt ashamed, yet I missed him even more.

I want to see her.

I can't live without her, I need to see her.

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The following will be a separate chapter.

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