The truth about his origins

Chapter Sixty-Nine: The Truth About My Origins

I had expected my mother to pour out her heart to me about her past and my origins, but she didn't.

She sat quietly, her fingertips still resting on my forehead, as if that strand of sweat-dampened hair was the only thing she could cling to. The light outside the window gradually dimmed, and twilight seeped into the room like a thin veil, making her profile appear even more frail. The tears in her eyes had long since dried, but her eyes were like stars sunk into a deep pool, so deep and unfathomable—containing pain, hatred, and a kind of almost desperate tenderness I had never seen before.

The mother's lips were slightly pursed, so pale they were almost invisible. Her throat moved slightly several times, as if a thousand words were about to burst forth, but they were ultimately suppressed by something.

I suddenly felt scared.

"Mother..." My voice trembled, choked with sobs, "I don't want to know anymore, you don't need to say anything..."

My mother seemed startled by me, and she looked up at me abruptly. Tears welled up in her eyes again. She reached out and hugged me tightly against her chest, choking back sobs, "Xiao Xi... Xiao Xi... my poor child..."

I was about to cry again, but I held back my tears and said haltingly, "Mother, Mother... I'm not pitiful. I have you... Aunt Xian, Uncle... Big Brother and the others... and, and my Yu'er... Mother, have you seen them? I'm not pitiful, really..."

My mother's arms tightened around me, as if she wanted to meld me into her body, still protecting me from the world's storms. Her chin rested gently on the top of my head, and one or two warm tears fell silently into my hair, spreading a cool dampness.

"Yu'er..." she murmured, repeating the name softly, her voice like a sigh, yet also as if savoring some long-lost warmth. "I've seen her. That child, her eyes are bright, and her heart is warm. Xiao Xi, you like her, don't you?"

My heart skipped a beat, and my cheeks instantly burned, turning red from my ears to my chin. I didn't dare look into my mother's eyes, but I still bit my lip and nodded forcefully.

My mother smiled, tears still wet at the corners of her eyes sliding down her cheeks. She gently stroked my hair, her voice low as a whisper: "I knew it... The way she looked at you... It was just like how Aunt Xian looked at me back then... Our Xiao Xi has really grown up."

Hearing my mother say that, I couldn't hold back anymore. Tears streamed down my face like a broken string of pearls. Ignoring the pain in my body, I hugged my mother's waist tightly and sobbed, "Mother, I will always be your daughter, your and Aunt Xian's daughter, a girl of the Zhao family. It has nothing to do with anyone else or any other identity... Please, is that alright?"

My mother's hand continued to stroke my hair and soothe my aching back. I heard her exhale a long, deep breath, a breath that seemed to carry the worries and anxieties of the past few days. When she spoke again, her voice still trembled slightly, but it carried a firmness I had known since childhood: "Xiao Xi, before we came to Shu, your uncle told me a lot in the capital, saying that you've grown up and can take on responsibilities. But I always felt uneasy, thinking you were still that little girl who would only cry in my arms. But now, seeing you like this, and hearing your older brother say that you've been running around all this time, for, for Dong Chu—my child, you are... you are no longer just the precious little one your mother holds in her hands."

Her voice was lower, but every word landed clearly in my heart: "There are some things that have been hidden for so many years, and it's time for you to know them yourself. About your background, about you, about your biological father, these are things you've always wanted to ask but never dared to say—today, your mother will tell you everything."

My mother gently released her grip on me, then delicately wiped away the tears from my cheeks with her fingertips. Her fingertips were slightly cool and trembled almost imperceptibly, as if even lifting her hand had taken a great deal of effort. She lowered her eyes and remained still for a moment, then took a deep breath, as if trying to retrieve, bit by bit, the memories buried deep within her heart, memories that felt heavy even to recall.

“Xiao Xi,” the mother finally spoke, her voice so soft as if afraid of disturbing something, yet carrying a weight that seemed to transcend time, each word pressing down on one’s heart, “You…you do indeed have the blood of the Xie family flowing in your veins.”

She paused, her brow furrowed tightly as if struggling to find the right words, before finally gritting her teeth and adding, word by word, "But—that was a disgrace, a nightmare etched into my very bones."

My heart sank, a chill spread through my limbs, and my body trembled involuntarily.

"...Back then, the Xie family was at the height of their power in the Eastern Chu court. Even His Majesty was wary of their influence and dared not easily touch them. Your uncle...that is, my elder brother, was one of the Emperor's most trusted advisors, both for the sake of the country and the family, and was sworn enemies with the Xie family. They couldn't do anything to your uncle, so..." She trailed off, her voice suddenly stopping as if something was blocking her throat. I looked up and saw that her face was deathly pale.

The mother's lips trembled, and it took her a long time to find her voice. Every word was filled with heart-wrenching pain: "They... set their sights on me. Xie Lian... that man... Xiao Xi, I have never felt so desperate in my entire life."

She looked up at me, her eyes filled with guilt and pain, her voice trembling with a heartbreaking sob: "Xiao Xi, it was you back then...back then..."

My mother couldn't continue, and neither could I.

I suddenly reached out and covered my mother's mouth. My fingertips touched her cold lips, and my whole body trembled like a withered leaf in the wind.

"Stop talking, Mother!" I almost shouted, my voice choked in my throat, filled with sobs and a desperate plea, "Please...stop talking!"

But those words had already pierced my heart like knives—"Xie Lian," "despair," "that time"... Every word was like a poisoned needle, stabbing my internal organs until they spasmed. I didn't need her to say anything more; I understood everything.

So this is why everyone is so reluctant to talk about my background: my birth, my existence, is the most humiliating evidence for my mother.

I felt a chill run through me, my teeth chattering. Not from hatred, not from fear, but from… a sudden, overwhelming sense of shame. It was as if every breath I took was tainted by that man's filth; as if every drop of blood I shed betrayed my mother's innocence.

"Mother..." I pulled my hand back, taking a step back, but she grabbed me. I shook my head frantically, tears streaming down my face as they fell onto the sheets. "I'm not... I'm not his daughter! I'm not! How could I be?!"

"Xiao Xi!" My mother called me urgently, her voice filled with panic. She reached out to hug me, but I turned my body to the side.

In that instant, all the light in her eyes shattered, and tears streamed down her face as she stared at me with an almost pleading, helpless look.

My mother's despair struck me like a hammer blow. I snapped back to reality, choked back tears, and rushed back to hug her tightly, my voice broken and shattered: "Mom, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..."

"Xiao Xi, Xiao Xi..." my mother called me over and over again. She didn't speak again, but just hugged me tightly and firmly, stroking my head, my face, and my trembling body.

Gradually, an overwhelming sense of exhaustion enveloped me again, and at the same time, my crying stopped. I took a deep breath, gathered my scattered thoughts, stepped out of my mother's arms, raised my hand to wipe away the tears and snot streaming down my face, stared at her steadily, and asked in a low voice, but with the greatest courage I had ever mustered, "Mother, do you regret it?"

My mother smiled through her tears, the tears still clinging to the corners of her eyes, yet giving that smile a warm, fervent glow. She reached out and gently pinched my cheek with her fingertips, the gesture as affectionate as ever, though the trembling in her fingers was unmistakable—a mixture of excitement and lingering fear, even her lips quivered slightly. But every word she uttered was exceptionally clear, each syllable striking my heart with a weight of a thousand pounds:

"Xiao Xi, you are my flesh and blood, my light, my only daughter, and the only daughter of me and your Aunt Xian."

She paused, a soft tremor passing through her throat, but quickly composed herself and continued, "On the day you were born, your uncle arrived just as dawn broke. He stood outside the delivery room, ignoring any attempts to stop him, insisting on coming in to see me. I held you, who had just been born, and said to him, 'Big brother, look, our family has gained another member.'"

At this point, the mother's voice softened, and a gentle light of memories appeared in her eyes, as if she were seeing the scene from years ago again: "Your uncle held you and looked at you carefully. He said, 'Yes, Chang Le, this is our family's child, our family's bloodline.'"

She gripped my hand tighter, her eyes filled with expectation, and asked twice, "Do you understand, Xiaoxi? Do you understand? From the day you were born, you were never alone. You are a daughter of the Zhao family, a child that your Aunt Xian, your uncle, and I cherish dearly!"

I stared blankly at my mother, and through my teary eyes, I saw for the first time the raging fire in her eyes that had never been extinguished—not resentment, not weakness, but hatred, protection, and an unyielding strength.

Yes, I am a child who is loved.

I am not my mother's shame, nor her nightmare.

I opened my mouth, but my throat was so tight I couldn't make a sound. Yet, something inside me crashed to the ground and then surged up again.

Finally, I took a deep breath, and with all my might, said, word by word:

"Mother, I don't want to know anything anymore. I am your daughter, your and Aunt Xian's daughter, a girl of the Zhao family, always have been, and will always be!"

My mother looked at me for a long time before finally nodding slowly. She reached out and tucked the sweaty stray hairs from my forehead behind my ear, her fingertips as gentle as if brushing against a newly blooming flower.

"Okay." She said softly, "Then I don't know. You were born after I carried you for ten months. Your surname is Zhao. Your name was given by your uncle. I raised you with your aunt. You have no relation to anyone else."

I nodded heavily. This time, the tears welled up in my eyes but didn't fall.