Chapter 14

"Don't go."

Li Yuzhong didn't come to the class reunion after graduation. It was the first time I'd ever felt something go wrong. I'd felt this way before when I was trying to break free from my family of origin, but when it happened to someone I didn't care about, it was none of my business. But he was Li Yuzhong.

Why didn't he come? I still have some things I want to say to him. I didn't see him when I got home. Grandma said he went to a classmate's house to spend the night. Which classmate? Oh, just an ordinary boy. Why? On such an important day, he should only have me by his side.

The following afternoon, Li Yuzhong returned. I was just about to move to my mother's place in the next city for a few days. Carrying his suitcase, I met him in the living room. He looked a bit haggard, and I wondered if he had also spent the whole night talking with someone else.

What's the meaning?

I suppressed my anger, wanting to ask him why he didn't go last night, but I figured he would explain. However, until I was about to go to the station, he showed no intention of explaining, so I had to walk up to him, raise my chin, and ask if he had anything to say.

He said, "...What?"

I frowned: "Why didn't you come to the class reunion last night?"

I thought he would say he was held up by something. Li Yuzhong wasn't the kind of person to break his promises—anyone could, but he wasn't. I stared at him more fiercely, my gaze feeling unfamiliar even to myself. I guessed he would panic and stammer an explanation to me.

But he didn't.

He said calmly, "I don't want to go."

Without thinking, I scolded, "Why didn't you say you didn't want to go? You clearly agreed. So many people are there, but you're not."

What I really wanted to say was that no one could get my attention. It's all your fault, all because of what I was about to tell you, which made me anxious all night. But I certainly couldn't say that I just stared at him angrily, hoping he would apologize.

He just needs to apologize, and everything will be fine. Li Yuzhong, you've given in so many times, can't you just obey me one more time? In fact, I was quite sensitive back then, seeing threats everywhere. In the past, I would never have doubted the emotional bond between Li Yuzhong and me, but I wanted to confess to Li Yuzhong. I mustered up so much courage, but it was all gone in one night, and now I have to muster up my courage again.

I'm annoyed too.

I want to know if he likes me or not.

Even someone as narcissistic as me can feel uneasy.

But then he brought up something else: he said he was going to spend the summer with his family in Manchester for a while. I didn't want to know where he was going or how long he was going to stay; I just wanted to know how to express my feelings. I needed the opportunity of his upcoming birthday.

Okay, I said, "Were you still in the province on your birthday?" He said, "Yes." Okay, I nodded and left, lost in thought. I was still wondering if something was wrong with Li Yuzhong. I figured he was just a little upset because I appeared on stage with another guy yesterday. After all, although I have many friends, I'm very careful about the boundaries with men. If he asks, I'll explain, of course.

But I didn't expect that he wouldn't contact me on his birthday either. I waited all day. Wasn't it only natural that I spent his birthday with him? Did I have to bring it up again? At this point, I sensed something was wrong. During the days I was at my mother's house, Li Yuzhong hadn't contacted me once, not even on the day the college entrance exam results came out. I had to go to him to ask before he said he'd blocked me. Of course, I congratulated him and asked him which university he planned to apply to. He asked me, and without hesitation, I said, "Cinema China, of course!"

He said, "Okay, I understand."

Because he didn't mention his birthday, I assumed he had changed his travel plans and gone abroad. Later, I heard from a classmate that he had returned to pick up his graduation certificate. The date was exactly the day before his birthday. So I messaged him to ask how his birthday was, being quite polite and subtly hinting at it.

"I've forgotten about it," he replied.

Has he forgotten what happened, or what happened with me? I was speechless. Only then did I realize how little I knew him. The Li Yuzhong I knew wouldn't talk like this, at least not with me. We haven't seen each other for so many days, doesn't he miss me at all? Damn it!

What does he mean?

At that time, I was completely unaware of my own naivety and self-centeredness, and I superficially believed that even so, Li Yuzhong and I hadn't completely lost contact. When I realized it, it was during my sophomore year, when I saw him in a completely unexpected place.

He appeared in my broadcasting classmate's footage.

It was a debate competition between universities. He was the fourth speaker for his school's debate team, and he did an excellent job, both in his concluding remarks and in summarizing the main points. When that youthful and delicate face appeared on the screen, I couldn't believe it; it was as if it were a completely different person.

Is that Li Yuzhong?

I felt deceived.

I immediately snatched my classmate's phone and carefully examined the signboard in front of the stage. I hoped it was someone who looked like Li Yuzhong, but not exactly him—what would that be? How long had he been gone from my side, and he had completely changed? Look at him, speaking so fluently, with such a calm expression. He used to be the kind of person who would blush to the roots of his neck after arguing with someone. How long had it been since he, Li Yuzhong, left?

How could he do that?

How could that be?

I gripped the edge of my phone tightly, my fingertips trembling. Panic crossed my face, mixed with anger, shame, and a bitter taste of betrayal. I couldn't believe he'd left me, his friend, and become so successful. Who allowed him to change all of this?

Give me back my Li Yuzhong!

Give me back the stern, yet shy and reserved Li Yuzhong! Give me back the Li Yuzhong who always seemed so vulnerable, who clung to me so tightly out of fear of isolation! Give me back my person! How could he change me like that?

That's disgusting.

I loathe him to the extreme and have completely stopped thinking about him. Also, there's one more thing: I can't allow him to become better or more successful than me. I admit I know he has the potential to succeed. He never grieves over anything from the past. He's too kind and hardworking. The world rewards those who are diligent and down-to-earth. He truly deserves his spotlight long ago.

But I love him. How could I bear the thought of him becoming better and someone else appearing in his life? If I had known it would turn out this way, I shouldn't have told him to be brave, to overcome fear and difficulties. I should have let him remain stagnant, friendless, waiting for me alone, waiting for me to succeed one day and come back to him. In my eyes, he should have waited for me faithfully, like a good dog!

He didn't do that.

That made me feel really bad.

People or things that make me uncomfortable, I either destroy or completely distance myself from. With Li Yuzhong, I really can't do the former. Destroy what? Just because he doesn't like me? Li Yuzhong has only gradually distanced himself from me; it's not like he stabbed me in the chest. Okay, I thought, maybe he already knew my true nature. He succumbed to my tyranny for three years of high school. He couldn't stand my domineering, arrogant, self-righteous, and self-righteous lies. He might be indifferent to me, or even hate me, but he wouldn't say it. He tolerated me; he was kind, but I mistakenly took it as a sign that things could move forward. It's not impossible that way.

People change.

Besides, I don't really know him, do I?

As it says in *To Kill a Mockingbird*, you can never truly understand a person unless you put on their shoes and walk around in their shoes, and try to see things from their perspective. I don't know Li Yuzhong. His illness, so easily misunderstood, and his saying he disliked being mocked—he said it so gently, as if it had no effect—I will never know what he was feeling at that time.

Of course, I didn't need to know, since I didn't know him or like him back then. But if I liked him, I couldn't help but dig into everything related to him. I remembered the brown paper bag hidden in his desk—ah, I had no idea until he took it out.

I was perplexed by his unknown nature and my own partial ignorance. Unfortunately, I didn't delve into what I was thinking at the time. Holding grudges is not my style, and my pride sustained me. I had reason to believe that Li Yuzhong was just a passerby in my life. Call it a regret or a stepping stone, at least he helped me. Wasn't that what I wanted in the first place?

Chi Jiansheng is a good match for me. And, going back to my original path, I have absolutely no interest in those weak, pitiful, marginalized figures. I almost forgot that I admire the strong; from the very beginning, I looked down on Li Yuzhong, never placing him on an equal footing. Perhaps this means it's difficult for us to be together; we're not on the same wavelength. Chi Jiansheng, on the other hand, is perfect for me. We both want to succeed, we're both young, and we're both vengeful and seize every opportunity. I still remember the night I missed out on the award. Chi Jiansheng comforted me by the floor-to-ceiling window of the hotel suite. I bit my lip and said, "I'm really not happy about it." He looked up and said he understood.

I need someone who understands me.

I need someone to understand me, to know me, to figure me out, and to smooth things over. Clearly, someone like Li Yuzhong, a fool who can't even read between the lines, couldn't do that. In this respect, Chi Jiansheng is the right person for me; he can do the craziest, most pointless things with me. This industry has all sorts of people; the arena of fame and fortune traps everyone in a gladiatorial arena. Chi Jiansheng and I licked each other's wounds, but then again, I never thought about a future with him. Perhaps it's because we're both too cold-blooded, too realistic; people like that can't talk about the future. Many times, Chi Jiansheng and I just vented our desires, and after we were done, we kept quiet about it.

So my longing for love, after its initial awkwardness and naivety, to its later almost vengeful fervor and perfect harmony, took on a more complex form when I was twenty-five. How did I come to think of Lai Yuk-chung again? I still hadn't let go, only with some different perspectives. In the audition for "Empty Gun," I was trying to play a cowardly, dark criminal with specific symptoms. Coincidentally, the character had mild hyperventilation, which easily reminded me of that person.

Because it was one of the few roles open to auditions, and I knew beforehand that there were no pre-selected actors, I spent a considerable amount of time figuring out the character. Before this, my acting roles had always been quite positive, so this was considered an unconventional role. My face is difficult to pull off; it's too glamorous and flamboyant, and it's easy to lose immersion in the character. I've also often been told by senior actors that I'm not suited for the big screen and that I'd be better suited for television dramas.

Nevertheless, that was a role that I, Li Xintong, was taking a gamble on before considering a career change. I didn't even know if I could get the part. I also heard that although Director Luo was gentle, he was very strict about quality control and could hardly tolerate being a "pretty face" forcibly put into the cast by capital.

When I received the character outline, like most auditioning actors, my first thought was how to portray the character. The audition scope was relatively free and unrestricted. Many people would choose the scene where they confront the female lead because there are many lines, the emotional outbursts are easy to grasp, and it's an easy scene to showcase the character's highlights. But for some reason, what frequently came to my mind was the scene before the character's death.

Ren Qing has a significant role in "Empty Gun," appearing in the most scenes besides the protagonist Zhang Su, who seeks revenge for her sister. Zhang Su carries an empty gun throughout the film, searching for the cause of her sister's death and taking revenge on those who harmed her. Ren Qing is a behind-the-scenes perpetrator who instigates the crime but doesn't actually commit it. Because of her frailty and poor communication skills, she manages to evade the police investigation. However, the protagonist eventually follows the clues and finds her; she is the last one to be investigated.

I chose the last scene.

The moment Zhang Su held a gun to my head and led me into the police station, tears streamed down my face. I didn't know I was about to die, which is why I was putting on this act. "I...I killed Zhang Dai," I said, my breath coming in short, dazed gasps. "I'm sorry, police officer, I killed Zhang Dai. I'm turning myself in, I..." My fingertips trembled more and more violently, and my face turned red and swollen.

At that moment, I realized it wasn't so easy. Playing the role of someone struggling to breathe, constantly managing risk, wasn't easy. No one in this world doesn't yearn to live. I leaned against the counter, staring at the strange looks around me, and laboriously pulled a plastic bag from my coat pocket, hastily covering my mouth and nose, breathing, breathing, I told myself.

call.

suck.

Gradually, my unfocused pupils refocused, as if someone was helping me. A pair of imaginary hands covered my mouth, and gentle palms pressed against my coughing lips, catching my incessant gasps, pain, and tears, like a plane making an emergency landing on the tarmac.

It hurts so much.

I don't want to die.

real.

Don't treat me like this.

My tears flowed more freely, my pain intensified, and as my breathing calmed, an unavoidable sense of shame overwhelmed me, making me want to bury myself in shame. This was why no one would talk to me; I was isolated on the periphery of the world. But why? I hadn't done anything wrong. I covered my wet cheeks and said, "I couldn't help it... I didn't know... it would turn out like that..."

"They said it was just making fun of her, it's okay. I don't want to be an outsider. They said if they did this, they would tease her instead of me, so I wouldn't be friendless at school..." Ren Qing hadn't thought that much about it. If it was pure evil, premeditated, then of course it would be the most deserving of hatred. But sometimes, human evil is harmless; just a few casual words, or even a few mocking laughs, can kill a person's dignity. She cried and begged Zhang Su to let her go. She didn't want to die, she really didn't.

If it wasn't Zhang Dai, then it was Ren Qing. That is to say, Ren Qing is still alive, brought back by Zhang Su's sister, even though she was the perpetrator. Zhang Su's hand trembled as her fingertips slowly tightened the trigger, and Ren Qing's eyes glistened with murky, confused tears.

Bang.

Gunshots rang out.

I slowly fell down.

This is a story beyond the written words, because the ending in the script was left unsaid. The gun should have been empty, but I fell to the ground with wide eyes, my hand slowly loosening the water-soaked plastic bag, breathing, breathing, exhaling—inhaling—. Then, all was calm.

It was an empty gun, yet Ren Qing was killed. Therefore, the murdered Ren Qing wasn't merely a character, but a reflection of Zhang Su's inner self, representing the piece of the puzzle of goodness. With its demise, Zhang Su made her final choice between law and evil.

Thanks to my unique understanding of supporting roles, and even leading roles, I successfully landed the part. My efforts were on the right track, and that was the closest I ever came to winning a Golden Horse Award nomination for Best Supporting Actress—even if I didn't win, it was still a performance that I could call a pivotal role in my career. The role of Ren Qing truly turned my career around, reversed the negative publicity, and saved my career once again.

only.

After playing that role, my state of mind changed somewhat. This was clearly reflected in my frequent dreams about Lai Yuk-chung. Yes, I always dreamed about him, but not in those romantic, rosy scenarios—I dreamed that Lai Yuk-chung was dead.

He lay there, flat on his back. Where? In the noisy classroom, he coughed so hard he could barely breathe, until finally, he couldn't cough anymore, as if his throat had been forcibly choked. His breathing gradually weakened until he was completely lifeless. He died in a corner where the crowd surged, yet no one knew.

He died while watching a horror movie. The bloody scene terrified him, and his heart, which could no longer bear the strain, finally broke down. He collapsed to the ground, his limbs convulsing, his pale and handsome face filled with sorrow for death, and tears streaming down his doe-like eyes.

On another occasion, he died on a stormy night, just a step away from dawn. He only needed to open his eyes before he breathed his last to see the hazy signs of spring outside the window. But he died in the final, desperate clap of thunder, his body trembling with fear, his hands and feet ice-cold.

I slowly opened my eyes in fright.

It suddenly occurred to me that I had never seen Li Yuzhong shed a tear. Even someone as close to him as I was, someone who spent every day with him, had never seen him cry spontaneously. Aside from coughing up tears, he was truly much stronger than the effeminate man I had imagined, despite my constant teasing about his delicate nature and inability to do anything right. I know how many others mocked him like that, yet Li Yuzhong never harbored a trace of malice. Actually, I don't want to admit it, but over the years, what I've envied is my past self.

I envy the me who didn't understand Li Yuzhong, or even bothered to understand him, yet could unconditionally receive his kindness. I once confidently declared that Li Yuzhong would regret rejecting me, but I regretted it even earlier than he did. I regret not understanding him more.

If I had been more understanding of him back then, less arrogant, and had tried walking in his shoes, would things have been different?

But as *To Kill a Mockingbird* says, "But when you've walked his path, even passing by feels painful." Sometimes what you see isn't the truth; what you know is just the tip of the iceberg. What I know is only the tip of the iceberg of Li Yuzhong's story.

I looked out the window dejectedly.

I will never have the chance to understand him. What was he thinking back then? Li Yuzhong is no longer the most beautiful pearl of my high school days. He has become a thorn growing in my heart, a potion, a fog in the forest from which I can never escape.

But undeniably, even after so many years without contact, his most innocent and endearing image remains etched in my mind. As for the man who came after me, he wasn't the one I had, and I have no time to judge him. Yet, whenever I'm lost on the road, when I'm disoriented and anxiously wandering around, Li Yuzhong's melancholic yet clear eyes always bring me peace.

It's always like this.

Without exception.

I held onto this belief because I didn't understand Li Yuzhong. He wasn't as I thought, valuing me or even disliking me, which is why there was no further development between us. But now he tells me that beneath his icy exterior lies a part of him that was tormented by fate.

Then what am I?

What am I, after all these years of resentment and self-reflection? If Li Yuzhong liked me, if he liked me back then, then what exactly is fate playing with? My mind is blank. Believe me, if you were treated like this by heaven, you would also shed helpless tears. I can no longer tell what I'm saying. Will what lies beneath that iceberg hurt me?

Hold me tight and try to keep me here.

Otherwise, I'll leave.

I'm leaving, Li Yuzhong. You know me, I can give up everything except that little bit of dignity. This is the price you've paid for making me suffer for so many years. Even though I know you haven't done anything wrong, I want you to pay for it. Do you know why? Because I've finally caught you, once again. I've caught you and discovered your selfish motives towards me. I can't let you escape so easily.

Say you love me.

explain,

Speak up.

I gripped the doorknob tightly, waiting. This process felt like being tossed into the air and then falling back down without warning. Each of his long, drawn-out breaths was a process of my life-or-death struggle. What should have been a few silent seconds felt longer than a lifetime.

until,

Li Yuzhong hugged me from behind.

His face was buried in the crook of my shoulder, and I almost forgot how to breathe. My whole body was trembling violently, as if I had been soaked by rain. Tears welled up in my eyes, and I clenched my teeth tightly to keep from crying out loud. He let out two soft sobs, which were right next to my ear. In an instant, my ears melted. His lips were pressed against my neck, and his breath was rapid and shallow.

He said, "Don't go."

"I like you."