Chapter 15
◎ It is an animal with an extremely high pain tolerance. ◎
With those words, "I like you," from Li Yuzhong, my heart finally made its decision. My oxygen-deprived brain calmed down again, and I slowly let the cool air soothe my burning throat. If I were to speak now, my voice would surely be hoarse.
ah.
I.
There's really no need to cry. I'm not the same person I used to be. My mind has matured a long time ago. Besides, is Li Yuzhong really that important to me? Will I die if I can't have him? No, I haven't gotten by all these years.
So I really don't need to, damn it, why am I crying? I wiped away my tears haphazardly. Li Yuzhong was still holding me tightly, his arms wrapped around me, his breath like moonlight pouring down from above, like an irresistible tide. What did he have to cry about? He... He didn't understand my unspoken feelings, my struggles and forbearance, my pride all these years. If he liked me, why did he hesitate?
If you like someone, you should go to great lengths to please her and get close to her. With her, you have everything; without her, you feel lost and dejected. Only this kind of love is worthy of my wholehearted devotion. How could I give my love to a coward who can't even speak properly?
Fool.
Fool.
Go ahead and say it.
I said, "Then just tell me, why won't you tell me?"
I turned around, glaring at him fiercely, and wiped the tears from my face. I pushed his shoulder, forcing his face away from mine. Looking into his tear-filled, broken eyes, I couldn't bring myself to say the many accusatory things I wanted to say.
“…I dare not,” he said.
"Who told you to be so cowardly!" My tears fell again. "Huh? You haven't improved at all after all these years? You can't even say a word? Weren't you so eloquent? Aren't you different from before? You had the guts to ask me to stage a fake marriage, but you don't have the guts to tell the truth?"
He stopped talking and started crying quietly again. I didn't understand why he had to cry so much, why not earlier or later, but only when I exposed his lie. I was useless myself, crying endlessly until I couldn't catch my breath.
"I'm sorry," he only said. "I didn't mean to lie to you."
I don't want to hear that! I grabbed his collar and yelled, "What's the use of apologizing now? What were you doing all these years? You never contacted me, and you avoided any occasion where I was. Is this how you like someone? Who taught you that?"
He opened his mouth, but as if his vocal cords had been cut, no sound came out. I stared at him intently, afraid of missing a single word he might say. But he didn't speak, and I was going crazy with anxiety, until he finally managed to squeeze out a few words.
"You don't like me anyway."
I said, "What right do you have to think that way, to misinterpret me like that? When did I ever say I didn't like you?" My blood rushed to my head, so much so that I forgot that I had indeed said it, but I thought he wasn't there. Yes, I lied to save face.
He looked at me, tears streaming down his face, his shimmering eyes filled with a mix of emotions: distrust, doubt, and hesitation. I asked him several times, and he said he heard me say those things at the party after graduation. At that moment! My blood rushed to my cheeks again, but he immediately said, "I didn't mean to eavesdrop. Don't worry about it. You have the right to dislike someone."
"Then I lied!!"
I roared through my tears.
Finally, I confessed, admitting my lie was both harder and easier than I had imagined. At the same time, Li Yuzhong's tolerance also stung me. What did he mean by "not intentionally eavesdropping"? What did he mean by "you have the right to dislike someone"? Did he really think of me that much? If I truly disliked someone, why would I open my bedroom door in the middle of the night and let him into my bed to lull me to sleep?
Am I such a kind person?
"I lied! I said I hated you instead of liking you? So what? Slap me, huh? Let's fight!" I yelled at him, my neck stiff. "You should have rushed in and yelled at me back then! You're just a coward; you didn't even dare to question me!"
"What kind of man are you? What are you capable of? What are you pretending to be magnanimous for? What kind of hero are you trying to be?" I spoke faster and faster, my words like sharp swords wounding him. "All you dare to do is fight Chi Jiansheng behind his back. You, all you've done in all these years is this! At least I'm better than you. I was even thinking of confessing to you on your birthday. You like me, but you don't say it. So your feelings are worthless!"
His face flushed red. "...No."
"How could it not be?" I sneered. "You won't admit to distancing yourself from me back then. Even if I lied and you overheard me, that's no excuse for you not saying a word! You don't need to play the victim, Li Yuzhong. Are you really that tough? You were the one who clung to me every day in school, saying you wanted to be friends. You were the one who dragged me to my birthday party to watch horror movies. You were the one who knocked on my door in the middle of the night. You just felt you weren't good enough for me, that I could never like you. It's your inferiority complex, absolutely not because I'm not good enough for you—"
He suddenly pulled me into his arms.
"Yes." His voice was very soft, accompanied by labored breathing. "Don't be angry with me, and don't say those things to me, it will make you uncomfortable."
"How exactly do you feel unwell?" I asked.
He stammered.
"I feel uncomfortable."
“That’s called feeling bad, feeling sad, feeling terrible.” I grabbed his collar. “You have to tell me. You have to tell me everything, you can’t hide anything from me. I used to be your good friend, so you can’t lie to me anymore, and you’re not allowed to lie to me in the future.”
I looked up at him. He was gently biting his lip, his cheeks so flushed they could blend into a pile of roses. In the dim moonlight, his eyes were blurry and wet with tears, each drop falling from the corner of his eye. His crying made me want to cry too. I thought to myself, "Please, don't cry anymore." I cupped his face in my hands, gently wiping away his tears with my fingertips, and asked, "Do you know you were wrong?"
He said, "I understand."
"From now on, you have to tell me everything."
"Um."
"You have to tell me if you hate me."
"Waaah..." To my surprise, he covered his face with his hands and burst into tears. Li Yuzhong's shoulders trembled slightly. He took two steps back, and under my astonished gaze, like a child throwing a tantrum, he said in a tearful voice, "Don't say that about me... I don't hate you..."
"Hey!" I panicked. "Stop crying!"
—"He cried all night."
I suddenly remembered what my high school classmate said. Li Yuzhong, did he really cry all night because of my stubborn "I don't like you"? Back then, Li Yuzhong, ah, because he liked me, mistakenly thought I hated him, so... Okay, then I understand a little.
I took two steps closer and tried to pry his hands off his face, but I couldn't. "Alright," I said, "You're not young anymore, and you're still the same as before, unable to take harsh words. Okay, okay, I know you don't hate me, Li Yuzhong, hmm? Let me see if you're secretly crying?"
He covered his face tightly.
"No."
"Then let me see, okay?"
He actually said, "No."
"Fine!" I laughed in exasperation, raising my hand to pinch his ear. "Li Yuzhong. Is this how you treat me when you like me? Still ignoring me like before? You even had a fake marriage with me, you bastard, you're nothing!"
I pinched his ear, forcing him to release his hand from his face. Li Yuzhong raised his hand and grabbed my wrist, then slowly moved my palm to his neck. The warm, burning pulse, clear and distinct, I could feel it beating, real, right before my eyes.
It wasn't a dream.
It's not a fantasy.
Right now, at this very moment.
Li Yuzhong, standing before me, still had tear stains on his face. The moonlight streaming through the French windows dappled his nose, and a single tear silently slipped from its tip. He was so fragile; where had he gotten the pretense of strength all these years? How had he managed to present himself so impeccably? His pitiful appearance now was clearly no different from years ago. Whenever I saw his tears, I couldn't help but surrender.
Li Yuzhong is probably my nemesis.
I'm at my wits' end with him. Years ago, he foolishly barged into my world and stole a part of my heart. Now, instead of returning what he missed, he's taking even more. Where did he learn to trick me into playing a wedding game? Is this how you pursue someone? Why can't he follow the normal courtship procedure? This is unbelievable; what kind of skill is it to trick someone into registering their marriage?
He's still bothered by what I just said.
"I am not nothing..."
"Then what are you?" I asked.
He tried to wipe away his tears, but I held him back, insisting he answer my question first. He didn't know what to say, only repeatedly saying he wasn't a coward. Whether he was or not, I knew perfectly well. If I were him, such a timid guy, having finally taken that first step in liking someone and confirmed his feelings was already incredibly difficult for him, and then hearing me say I hated him, he would definitely cry his eyes out.
He would definitely be devastated and never speak to me again. I didn't expect him to be less than a tenth of what he should have been, so much so that I didn't even realize he had misunderstood. People who have owned cats say that they are very pain-tolerant animals, and they will never cry out until the pain becomes unbearable.
He's even more patient than that one.
"Kiss me." I didn't want to think about anything else.
my heart,
More thrilled than ever before.
I proudly raised my head, waiting for his kiss to land on my lips. The process didn't take long, because I knew his feelings; winning him over was only a matter of time. I'm never impatient with people or things I'm confident about; I hunt for them like a hunter.
I could sense Li Yuzhong's hesitation. He was awkward about getting close to people; he was already twenty-seven or twenty-eight years old and still didn't know how. He lowered his head, his breath falling on my face, as if he had already kissed my lips once beforehand, so when he kissed me again, it didn't seem so awkward.
One kiss after another, his shy, reluctant manner made it seem as if I was deliberately making things difficult for him, humiliating him. I know he likes me, but it's too slow, I can't wait any longer. I've waited ten years, from my first kiss to now, the long span has worn away all my patience. If it were ten years ago, I would have been willing to take things step by step with him. But now...
I don't want to wait any longer.
real.
Knowing that whatever I did or how I treated him wouldn't have made him resist, why did I go to such lengths? Who was I putting on this act for? He dragged me down with fate, though it wasn't his intention, he was also a victim, but I wanted him to be punished. I held the back of his head, leaned in, and sucked on him with some force. I could feel him stiffen for a moment, then slowly take my hands and place them on his cheeks, telling me he didn't resist. This slight physical reaction drove me wilder than his kiss. I offered myself to him; he was the best gift of my twenty-seventh year. In this year, I finally got what I wanted, the one I loved but couldn't have.
The kiss was lingering and sticky. When we parted, his lips were still glistening. A lingering desire made him lower his head slightly, his gaze searching for my mouth. I finally understood that gesture. Once I knew the answer, the solution became clear in an instant.
I asked him if he liked it very much.
He didn't answer me, always feeling ashamed to speak. I didn't say anything either, and actually, I felt the same way. If he had asked me if I liked him then, I would have evaded the question or said something sarcastic. But thankfully, Li Yuzhong didn't even have the courage to ask. Thinking back to last night when I kissed him under the guise of rehearsal, what did he feel at that moment? I didn't think about it at all; I assumed he was enduring doing something embarrassing with someone he had no feelings for.
He likes me so much, he'd be overjoyed if I kissed him, why pretend? I simply turned his face to face and made him look at me directly. Stop being so stubborn, tell me nicely, do you like me or not? He was silent for a moment, then pressed his forehead against mine and whispered that he liked me.
“You have to tell me,” I nuzzled his nose, involuntarily closed my eyes, and gently lectured him, “You have to tell me everything. I can’t be bothered to figure you out. If you don’t tell me, I’ll never know. Do you want me to never know?”
"I don't want to," he said.
Why do you look like you're about to cry again?
Why am I so aggrieved? I think, it's just a few tears shed face to face, yet I also feel so happy, unwilling to break this beautiful tranquility. I want to kiss this person again, but I have to wait for him to calm down. Haha, I've never given so much patience to a man before. My only first love was with him, my only first kiss. He was destined to be different from everyone else.
“Baby,” I rubbed my nose against his repeatedly.
"...Ah!" He looked at me in surprise, as if burned by my words. Did I look like the kind of person who couldn't say sweet nothings? I'm already a master of romance. I called him "baby" twice more, and he hugged me tightly, his heart pounding so clearly.
"What are you shy about?" I frowned and gently patted his back. "You're so easily startled. I thought something was wrong."
He said, "I like listening to..."
"Will you listen to me call you baby?"
"Um."
This time I was pretty sure, I thought to myself, "This is really tough." Before I could even breathe a sigh of relief, I felt another dampness on my collarbone. I cupped his face and saw, wow, he was crying again! I was at my wit's end, so I asked gently, "What are you crying about?"
He shook his head, a little anxious, and said he didn't know either. I couldn't tell from his tears whether they were happiness or grievance. He cried so hard, his face streaked with tears, which broke my heart. But, did he really have to keep crying like this? He was sure he'd cry his way through those beautiful eyes. I asked him if he was going to go blind, and he said no, explaining to me with a sobbing voice.
"I feel like I'm dreaming..."
It turns out he was just too happy.
"You still have to cry? Sigh, today is our wedding day, and you're just crying your eyes out like this. People who don't know us will think you've suffered some terrible injustice by marrying me. Okay, it won't look good if you keep crying." He said he knew, he knew I hate coy people the most.
I felt that Li Yuzhong took a moment to process what was going on; he wasn't so easily reconciled about the fact that I liked him too. Once he'd processed it and stopped crying, he leaned in for a kiss. I think he also enjoyed the feeling of kissing me; it must have made him feel all warm and tingly.
"Do you want to kiss me again?" I asked.
He nodded, which suited me perfectly, so we shared another sticky kiss for a while, the kind that never ends, either he kisses me or I kiss him. I wasn't someone who liked kissing before, so how come I'm always doing this with Li Yuzhong?
After kissing for a while, I moved to another spot, wondering if we should just finish today. I couldn't wait any longer; if I waited any longer, it might become a waste. But I was also afraid of scaring him, afraid he wouldn't be able to handle it. I cared about his feelings; I couldn't just take him casually. If he ended up crying in bed afterwards, I really wouldn't be able to cope. My hand landed on his taut lower abdomen, and sure enough, it was grasped.
"It itches." He lowered his face shyly.
I tilted my head and pondered.
Just ask him directly: "Will you do it?"
They made eye contact for two or three seconds.
I got up: "I'll take a shower first, you go buy it."
He immediately got up from the sofa and hurried out the door.
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