Chapter Forty-Six

Xu Weiwei said aggrievedly, "What can I do? Okay, I admit it, I'm a giant in words, but a dwarf in deeds."

I may talk a good game, but when it comes to actually doing it myself, I always find it difficult to follow through. I need to constantly motivate and encourage myself.

I once had nothing, so logically I should be brave, but I can't; I just can't do it. I know that taking the first step is crucial, it's the right step.

But I'm not brave enough. You know what? I've deliberately avoided it before, and I've even made plans to be alone for the rest of my life, never to fall in love. I even thought I would never meet Lin Xiangshen in real life.

But it seemed that God was exceptionally kind to me, giving me the chance to see him again. My heart, no longer silent, began to stir again. I wanted him to be mine, mine alone, not someone else's. He belonged only to me, mine, mine.

I'm not a greedy person. In all my years, I've never been possessive of anyone except him. I can accept their departure with equanimity.

Because I don't care, I might be sad for a little while when they leave, but afterwards I'll forget them. I won't remember their names or what they look like.

My memory isn't that good; I don't remember many things. I seem to only focus on the present. To be honest, I don't remember the specific names of the people who hurt me.

The hurt I experienced in the past has indeed affected me. I'm always distrustful of people, always feeling like they want to harm me. I like to talk to my water cup and appreciate its daily companionship.

I chat with my phone, and I'm grateful for all the joy it brings me. It keeps me company while I work, and with it, I never feel lonely. I prefer these objects to people.

Because they won't intentionally hurt me, and if they do, I won't mind; I'm not that petty. Humans are always so despicable; it seems that humans find happiness in seeing others worse off than themselves.

The hearts of bad people are all dirty. I will never bless those who have hurt me; instead, I will curse them so that they may suffer. That would be fair.

However, even if I hate them, I won't remember them very clearly because they are not worth wasting my precious time and energy on.

Of course, I think it's pointless for a bad person to admit their mistake. If it were me, I would never choose to forgive. The damage has already been done. You clearly did it on purpose. What's the use of regretting it afterward? No.

If it wasn't intentional, then it's forgivable. Sometimes I wonder why human nature is so ugly? Even I am like that.

Shouldn't loving someone mean giving and sacrificing without limits? But why is my love so possessive? I've really had the thought of locking Lin Xiangshen up, so he can only see me, and that way he won't cheat on me and will only love me.

But that's wrong. Imprisoning someone without permission is illegal. Love should give people freedom, not shackles. I have neither the right nor the qualification.

I've ended up becoming someone I hate. I feel so alien, so ugly, so dirty. Love has turned me into a strange monster. No one can truly love a monster like that, especially someone liked and admired by so many others.

Li Nan retorted earnestly, "How can this be called a monster? Don't be too hard on yourself. People have the freedom to imagine, and they can do whatever they want in their imagination."

Humans are simply animals that live on desires. So-called love is nothing more than a romanticized version of human desires. Love is a collection of countless desires that rationalize many things that are inherently bad.

Just like when you're arguing with a stranger, if you're the one in the wrong, you'll lack confidence and might eventually apologize.

However, if this person is your lover, even if you are in the wrong when you argue with him, you will be very confident and will not apologize at all, because you want him to prove to you that he loves you. You don't want to admit defeat, and you don't want to be just a stranger to him.

Is this logical? Is this correct? This is all very unreasonable behavior, but that's what love is like. You're not a monster, don't deny yourself.

Xu Weiwei's eyes were somewhat dejected, and she said in disbelief, "Really? Am I really not a monster? I think it's really bad of me to have these thoughts. I didn't want to, but I've become like this."

Li Nan said earnestly, "Don't be like that. I said you're not, and you're not. Why won't you believe me? I'm telling you, maybe you haven't seen enough of me."

You have no idea how many messy things happen on set. You don't need to romanticize love so much. I know that you probably value love immensely.

But in reality, it's just like that, don't overthink it, you know? It's perfectly normal for male and female leads to fall in love on set. It's an open secret among actors that they're married, even after they have children.

People in the entertainment industry have much lower standards and behave far more recklessly than ordinary people. After all, think about it: ordinary people might have a strong sense of boundaries, but with actors, even if you dislike someone, you can still kiss them and film sex scenes.

It's all just pseudo-intimacy, it's so common. I've seen two people looking at each other with affection on camera, and the moment the camera's off, they instantly become enemies, it only takes a second.

Everyone here is a good actor. If you're with someone like that, even if they say they love you, would you believe them? If you don't believe them, why choose to be with them in the first place?

If you believe he's an actor who would give up his career to be with you, do you think that's realistic? It's definitely impossible; no one would be that foolish.

But would you be willing to let your partner, after being with you, still act as a couple with other people? Could you be completely indifferent? Would you not have any doubts? Would you not be suspicious?

Anyway, if it were me, I couldn't. So I know that I'll most likely never be in a relationship, never get married, and never have children.

But it's okay, what can I do? I love acting so much! Becoming a passion for acting is my dream. I don't want to give up my career because of my partner.

However, I also know clearly that if I choose to become an actress, my boyfriend or husband will definitely not accept it and will be jealous, unless they don't love me and have no feelings for me, then of course they can accept it.

I've actually thought about it. Is it really worth it to give up love for my career? Sometimes I think it's not.

But I have no chance to back out now. After all, I debuted as a child star and have acted in many dramas. Even if I choose to retire from the industry now and find a partner, he might still mind my past.

No, it's not just a possibility, it's a certainty that she'll mind. If she loves me, there's no way she wouldn't mind. Then what will I do? Aren't I innocent?

Before I met him, before I fell in love with him, should I have remained chaste for him? Should I have given up my career for someone I didn't even know?

I can't do that. If the price of my love is like this, I'd rather not have it. It's not worth it. Besides, I might never even meet someone like that.

Don't feel that you're a little ugly when facing love, or think that you're terrible and deny yourself completely. Everyone is like that.

Who isn't selfish in love? It's impossible; everyone is selfish. Those who can be truly selfless are simply not that deeply in love. I've never believed anyone can be perfect; everyone has flaws.

Everyone is like this, so why blame yourself so much? Your internal struggles and anxiety, to be honest, won't change the future course of events. The worse your mindset, the worse the outcome will be, just as you expect.

You need to be optimistic, speak positively, and have a good mindset. If you change your perspective, things will take a turn for the better. No one wants to experience a failed relationship, and I think you feel the same way.

If you truly love and like someone that much, then don't suppress yourself and keep your emotions in a low-frequency state; that's not good.

Don't be so anxious. Sometimes you can take it slow instead of rushing forward like you're running for your life. Besides, you're already great, so why be so self-conscious?

Besides, why does she always have to take the first step? Wouldn't it be better to let the man do it? He's a grown man; shouldn't he be the one to take the initiative?

Xu Weiwei said shyly, "I may not have made it very clear, but it's just that I have a one-sided crush on him. He's my white moonlight."

I had a crush on him since high school, but I never confessed because I was too ugly back then, and my clothes were terrible too.

I didn't dare confess my feelings at all. Back then, I was the ugly duckling, and he was the prince. How could an ugly duckling aspire to be with a prince? I didn't dare.

He doesn't even know my name, how could I dare to expect him to take the initiative towards me? Isn't that wishful thinking? I wouldn't even dare to dream of something this big. I've never dared to think about such things. I feel I'm not worthy. One should have self-awareness.

Xu Weiwei shook her head and said, "This is just your inferiority complex. Let me emphasize, as a person, you must not limit yourself."

Nothing is impossible. Dreams should be grandiose; can a small dream still be called a dream? No. You know what? Geniuses are all arrogant.

No genius is ever particularly insecure. I've certainly never met an insecure genius. In my opinion, insecurity isn't a good quality; modesty is, to a lesser extent, a virtue.