Chapter 19 Day and night

"Are you Chen Wan, Liang Zhaoxi's daughter? Come in, your mother has something to tell you."

When Chen Wan heard the name Liang Chaoxi, she was stunned. She hadn't heard anyone call out this name for many years.

The nurse took her into the ward. Her mother Liang Zhaoxi was lying on the bed, staring at her as she approached.

"Baby, don't cry." She said, and then forced a smile to comfort Chen Wan, "Mommy is okay, don't cry."

Chen Wan knew it was a dream, but she was willing to be in the dream.

Liang Chaoxi's facial features were mostly covered by the oxygen mask. The white air he exhaled when he spoke made his weak voice foggy, and his few words seemed unclear.

Chen Wan sat down in front of the bed and held her hand quietly.

The back of Liang Chaoxi's hand was horribly thin due to years of injections and infusions. The pale back of her hand was covered with dark purple needle holes, and the hideous blue veins were like some kind of mysterious totem, engraving the pain on every inch of her skin.

Chen Wan, however, treated her hand as if it were a treasure, gently holding it and caressing it carefully, "Mom, long time no see."

Liang Zhaoxi slightly bent his fingers and wiped her tears patiently, "Wanwan, we are going to junior high school soon, so we can't cry like this anymore."

In the past, Chen Wan really loved to cry and act like a spoiled child. She would cry when she was happy, and would wail loudly when she was unhappy. Everyone who knew her called her a little crybaby.

But later on, Chen Wan seldom cried. Even when she really broke down, she would hide in a place where no one knew her and wipe her tears silently, because no one would coax her anymore. Only those who are loved have the right to suffer grievances.

Otherwise, grievance is just another form of self-righteousness.

"Mom wants to tell you something, please listen slowly." Liang Chaoxi gently pinched Chen Wan's palm and smiled at her.

"Okay." Chen Wan responded, then looked at her without blinking.

Because of chemotherapy, Liang Chaoxi's hair became sparse and dry, like withered willow branches in winter. She once had enviable hair, black and thick, like grass on a spring night.

Chen Wan still remembers that his favorite thing to do when he was young was to watch Liang Chaoxi sitting in front of the mirror combing her hair, the peach wood comb casually brushing along her black hair.

Then Liang Chaoxi would gather her hair and casually tie it into a loose ponytail at the back of her head, revealing her slender neck and soft shoulders.

At that time, Chen Wan sat on a small stool with her chin in her hand and thought proudly that her mother was the most beautiful mother in the world.

After Liang Chaoxi finishes dressing herself up, she will hold Chen Wan on her lap and use various colorful rubber bands and cute hairpins to braid Chen Wan's hair into playful and cute little braids.

While tying up Chen Wan's soft hair, she praised her and said that our baby Wanwan will be the most beautiful and the cutest child in the kindergarten.

But now, she didn't even have the strength to raise her hands to comb her dry and messy hair.

"I asked Aunt Zheng to buy you a new red scarf. The one you had before is old and it's time to get a new one." Liang Zhaoxi blinked and said with a bit of pride, "I bought several. You can wear them every day and don't have to worry about losing them."

"When I go to junior high school, I won't need to wear a red scarf anymore. Only elementary school students wear it." Chen Wan shook his head and answered her.

Liang Chaoxi was stunned for a moment when he heard this, and then said seriously, "Is that so? Then let your father wear it as a tie to work."

"Then he is an over-age Young Pioneer." Chen Wan followed up on her words.

"Oh, it's like rejuvenation." Liang Chaoxi said seriously, "Are older Young Pioneers no longer pillars of the motherland?"

After the mother and daughter finished speaking, they looked at each other and tacitly thought of the image of Chen Shan in a suit and tie with a childish red scarf, and they couldn't help laughing.

"Does this make you uncomfortable?" Chen Wan pointed at the oxygen mask on Liang Chaoxi's face. There were several glaring red marks on her thin cheeks.

Liang Zhaoxi shook his head indifferently, "It's not uncomfortable."

She had experienced worse torture and discomfort, so these little marks were nothing.

Chen Wan suddenly didn't know what to say. She stood up and pulled the blinds higher. The bright sunlight outlined a blank area of ​​light and shadow under the windowsill.

Chen Wan saw the lush camphor tree downstairs of the hospital. A gust of wind suddenly blew, and the sparse and scattered sunlight on the leaves began to surge and flow, bright and dark, and looked like a light green tide from a distance.

The sound of cicadas chirping can be heard faintly among the lush branches and leaves. Because the fields are vast, the sound seems particularly distant and long.

It was the summer of 2009. Chen Wan was twelve years old and Liang Chaoxi was thirty-four years old.

This summer became Liang Chaoxi's last summer.

Liang Chaoxi's gaze followed Chen Wan all the time, looking at her tenderly and greedily.

"Wanwan, you've grown taller." She stretched out her hand with some effort and made a ladder-like gesture in the air. There was a glint in her eyes as she smiled and said, "Last time I came here, I couldn't even reach that windowsill."

Chen Wan thought, yes, I have grown taller and older, but your life is constantly fading away, becoming weaker and weaker, and shorter and shorter.

"Why did you give birth to me? The doctor said that if it weren't for the heavy bleeding when you gave birth to me, which caused your health to deteriorate, your condition would not have worsened to this extent. I am the culprit who made you sick." She turned her eyes away from Liang Chaoxi, her tone full of complaints, confusion, and guilt.

"What do you know as a child? You are the culprit." Liang Zhaoxi was stunned for a moment after hearing her say that. He lowered his eyes slightly and whispered, "Mom's illness has nothing to do with you."

Chen Wan sniffed, holding back the soreness that welled up in his eyes, and said in a low voice, "Who said I don't understand? They all said that you risked your life to buy my life."

"Silly girl, you're not the culprit. You're my sweetheart. I worked so hard to see you sooner. I even ate a pot of pig's trotter soup before giving birth, just to save up some strength so my baby could come into this world sooner."

After Liang Zhaoxi finished speaking, she smiled lightly. Her eyes were still clear, like the stars that had not yet disappeared at dawn. She said, "Mom really loves you, so don't say bad things about yourself. I will be sad."

Chen Wan nodded slowly, held Liang Chaoxi's hand tighter, and bit her lips hard at an angle where she couldn't see, suppressing the pain that was rising up.

She didn't even know how to breathe. Her throat felt like it was stuffed with cotton, dry and blocked, and her chest was filled with the sound of a hollow and rapid heartbeat.

Liang Chaoxi also held her hand, stroking her joints one by one. In order to ease her emotions, he chattered about what he saw and heard in the hospital. Chen Wan stared at her, listened silently, and agreed from time to time.

"By the way, Wanwan, you should try to eat less cold food in the future. It's not good for your health, especially girls. You should eat less raw and cold food. Remember this. It will be good for you in the future. You must learn to protect and take good care of yourself."

"Also, when you do your homework in the future, be sure to keep a distance from your desk and look at more green plants. Look at your dad. Without his glasses, he's basically blind. This is the result of not taking care of your eyes since childhood. Don't learn from him."

"Don't watch TV while eating; it's bad for your stomach. Also, you should eat more carrots and peas. I know you always spit them out secretly." After she finished speaking, she glanced at Chen Wan calmly, "Do you think you can hide this from me, Mom? Also, tell your dad to eat more carrots; the vitamin E in them improves eyesight. Don't always try to save trouble by drinking tap water; it's full of bacteria. Drink more boiled water."

Liang Chaoxi's voice was soft and slow, like a calm river.

All she talked about were scattered and trivial family matters, and were earnest instructions to Chen Wan and Chen Shan. They were clearly a family of three, but when she talked about the future, she did not include herself.

Because she no longer has time.

At the end of his speech, Liang Chaoxi's voice became lower and slower, and the river finally came to an end.

The only sound in the ward was Chen Wan's sobs, which he tried hard to suppress, intermittent, like a summer shower.

Chen Wan tilted her head back and closed her eyes tightly. Her eyelids were burned by the hot tears, and then at some point the hot tears overflowed from her eyes uncontrollably, falling on the white bedding and shattering into pieces, leaving a large area of ​​dark gray.

When she heard her last sentence, "Mom is a little tired," Chen Wan opened her eyes wide, looked at Liang Chaoxi fixedly, and kept shaking her head. Her voice seemed to be worn out by sand and gravel, hoarse and broken.

She begged Liang Chaoxi, "Don't sleep, don't sleep, Mom, I beg you not to sleep, I still have a lot to tell you, I promise I will never be picky about food again, Dad and I will never watch TV secretly again, and then use wet towels to cover ourselves to cool down to fool you, I will study hard, don't drink tap water, and I will definitely not become nearsighted..."

But the hands that she held with all her strength gradually became soft and cold.

Suddenly, a sharp whistle sounded in the ward, and the straight red line on the electrocardiogram monitor was like a sharp blade, ruthlessly severing the bond between Chen Wan and his mother.

From then on, she could no longer cross this red line back to zero, hear Liang Chaoxi's voice, or see Liang Chaoxi's smile.

When Chen Shan arrived, he was still carrying a briefcase. He stared at Liang Chaoxi for a long time in front of the bed, then took off his glasses, revealing deep fatigue in his eyes.

Chen Shan, who arrived late, slowly bent down, gently and cherishingly held Liang Chaoxi's hand, and carefully sat down at the corner of the bed, as if Liang Chaoxi was just taking a quiet nap.

After a while, he raised his hand to smooth her hair, moving from the end of her eyebrows to her thin eyelids, and then along the bridge of her nose to her pale lips, inch by inch, using all his tenderness.

The thin and slender knuckles finally stopped next to the teardrop mole under Liang Chaoxi's eye. Chen Wan saw a teardrop falling heavily on it. It was Chen Shan's.

Through the wet tears, Chen Wan saw that Chen Shan's black hair was mixed with silver-gray, making him look mottled and old.

His eyes were red, but he forced a smile, looking pitiful and sad.

Chen Shan suppressed the huge anxiety and confusion in his heart, and said to Liang Zhaoxi word by word, "Wife, I have prepared the money for the next operation. We are going abroad for treatment this time. I asked a friend, and he said that Switzerland has a high level of medical treatment for uterine cancer. Didn't you always say that you wanted to see the Alps? Or which other country do you want to go to? Tell me, let's make up for our honeymoon trip, we..."

In the end, Chen Shan was unable to say what we said next, because in the end he was the only one left talking to himself.

The silence in the ward was like a thick cloud and fog, making it hard to breathe.

Chen Wan's throat and heart became increasingly sore and heavy, his vision became increasingly blurred, and a torrential rain fell in his heart.

Finally, Chen Shan cried, breaking the suffocating silence.

He cried until he was exhausted and knelt down in front of the hospital bed, holding his head. He looked like an abandoned trapped animal, helpless and desperate.

Pain rushed from the depths of his heart to his throat, making a strange and heart-wrenching whimpering sound that filled the empty and lonely ward and hit Chen Wan's eardrums like a tide.

Chen Shan's cries were like the north wind blowing through the jungle, making a crushing sound. All hopes and obsessions were gone, leaving only devastation.

In this indescribable grief, Chen Wan's heart seemed to be torn open with a huge gap, turning into a dry river valley, with strong winds rushing in unrestrainedly, making a humming sound.

Chen Wan remembered a fairy tale he had read before, which said that when a person dies in the world, there will be one more star in the sky.

Later she read Yeats's poem "The Burning Green Tree", which says that everyone will become a tree after death.

Greek mythology says that people turn into butterflies after they die.

No one knows what the definition of death is. Perhaps it is the regret of the living, the end of the dead, or the other side where emotions cannot be conveyed.

In this dream that she had once vividly performed but deliberately forgotten, Chen Wan thought that after death, people would turn into the tears of their lovers.

Thoughts: I really put myself into writing this chapter. I feel that if you read it carefully, you will be touched. But maybe I am just moving myself. If I put myself in Liang Zhaoxi's shoes, I might only talk about these trivial daily things before I die, because this is the most genuine wish of a mother and a wife. Then, it snowed in the evening. When I chose this name, I was thinking of snow. This word is what I really want to express.

I have finally written about the emotions I really want to express. I have been emphasizing that the character Chen Wan is very lonely. Here I want to write about why she is lonely. She once had a very happy family, but in the end she had nothing. For a girl of her age, even if she encountered it, she just endured it silently. So I wanted to write about her true redemption. My original intention was to write a story of protection and redemption.

Why do I say so much? Of course it’s because my main text is not well written, and I guess only I can understand it.

Thanks again to Qieqi, Youran, Xiaokeai, Weiyang, and my baby.