Chapter 33: Let Me Pursue You Again

Jiang Yi actually laughed when he heard that.

"If you really hate me, it's better than letting go."

Gu Lai had no way to refute it.

More than vivid love and hate, letting go is the true end.

Knowing this, she went to relax and accepted He Xiaoqing's invitation to bury herself in work, hoping that when she saw Jiang Yi again, she could face him calmly and composedly.

Without a doubt, she was utterly defeated.

Gu Lai said in a low voice, "If this accident hadn't happened, when were you going to tell me? If everything had gone smoothly, were you going to keep quiet until I said I was going to go to the Civil Affairs Bureau? Would you have told me then?"

Jiang Yi wasn't really into discussing "what ifs." Qian Tianmiao once said that this was fearlessness, an arrogant acceptance of everything that had happened as a matter of course.

However, after meeting Gu Lai, she began to have more and more "what ifs".

In her early twenties, she wouldn't admit it was fear; she believed love should be armor that allows one to cross mountains and seas. Now, she can no longer say that.

She already had the answer to the question Gu Lai raised, so without thinking or even hesitating for half a second, she denied it: "No way."

Jiang Yi smiled helplessly: "Even if it's not this, there are other things. Alai, maybe just seeing you once or having a conversation is enough. I won't act impulsively because of a chance encounter."

When Gu Lai wasn't looking, Jiang Yi placed his arm on her leg, but that was all. He then gently traced a circle around Gu Lai's leg and asked softly, "But, have I worn away your trust?"

She knows how to speak well, and occasionally, like now, she connects words together, with a rising tone at the end, like thick, sweet syrup slowly flowing into wine.

Gu Lai was momentarily flustered by her teasing. After realizing what she had done, she glared at Jiang Yi with a mix of embarrassment and anger, pretending to slap him hard, and grabbed his hand: "Speak up!"

It's just asking her if she believes it, secretly pulling some underhanded tricks.

When Jiang Yi saw her move, she was prepared to have her arm slapped—she knew that Gu Lai was quite strong, but in the end, she was only grabbed by a warm hand, just like before, and her hand was warmed.

Jiang Yi's eloquence suddenly became useless.

She lowered her head, took a silent breath, and looked at Gu Lai again: "Okay."

Gu Lai wavered for a moment under her gaze.

In truth, Gu Lai didn't really want to ask any more questions, and besides, she was never the aggressive one. Between them, the calm, assertive, and determined to get to the bottom of things was always Jiang Yi.

But at this time, in this place, and in this atmosphere, Gu Lai felt that she could rely on all of this and would be encouraged no matter what.

As Gu Lai was thinking this, she looked down at Jiang Yi and suddenly noticed that she had been squatting for a long time and was feeling sore and numb, and had somehow ended up in a half-kneeling position.

Perhaps Jiang Yi was also secretly hoping that some questions could be asked, as she also had things she found difficult to say on her own initiative.

Gu Lai repeated the pointed question she had just asked.

"Then why didn't you try to stop me when I mentioned divorce?" She hesitated for a moment, her voice softening slightly. "I remember you said that a broken mirror is hard to mend, and some things, once said or done, can't be taken back. Is that why?"

"I was only in my early twenties when I said this. People who are satisfied too early naturally only have perfectionist philosophy."

Jiang Yi brushed aside her past remarks with a slightly mocking tone, then looked at Gu Lai and answered.

But she paused almost imperceptibly as soon as she opened her mouth.

"I... it's not so much that I was caught off guard by hearing you mention those two words, but rather that my premonition finally came true."

She didn't continue speaking, but suddenly grabbed Gu Lai's hand and looked up at her directly: "A Lai, don't be angry."

When Jiang Yi said this, his tone was very soft, but the slight smile disappeared from his eyes.

Because of her aggressive appearance, when she is not smiling, she is like a rose with sharp thorns and a cold glint, easily pricking people painfully, but the angle from which she looks up resolves this.

Jiang Yi said softly, "What can I do to keep you, A-Lai? I've forgotten which day it started when I noticed you becoming more and more distant, more and more silent, and more and more... sad. It was probably three years ago, but I could only watch it all happen. It's not that I did nothing, but I don't even know why."

"When I'm angry, I get really furious. It eventually boils down to either arguing or falling silent. What else can I do? I don't want to continue suffering like this, and I even feel—"

Jiang Yi remained silent for a long while: "I think maybe I'm just deluding myself into loving you, but I'm not right for you. If I don't let go, what am I supposed to do...?"

In the end, she couldn't bring herself to say it outright, but instead chose an obvious metaphor:

"—Am I supposed to watch the flowers wither and die on the windowsill?"

Jiang Yi will probably never be able to ask, "Do you still love me?"

Gu Lai suddenly realized this. She remembered what He Xiaoqing had said half-jokingly: domineering, suspicious, and autocratic.

Gu Lai thought that there was more Jiang Yi didn't say, and even she herself didn't know it.

Before she even realized that her marriage was gradually losing its luster and withering away, Jiang Yi had already sensed the undercurrents and, without her knowledge, she had already sentenced the marriage to death in her subconscious.

So every argument, every outburst of anger, every moment of disappointment that followed was Jiang Yi proving her conclusion.

...But on what grounds?

Gu Lai stared at her and asked, "But Jiang Yi, why should you make the decision for me? You think I don't love you, so why didn't you even ask me? Are you so confident that you don't think I've been emotionally unfaithful—"

Jiang Yi nodded slightly, but it was visible to the naked eye.

Gu Lai's questioning voice almost split at the end.

She let out a sigh of relief: "Okay, fine, I was wrong. I shouldn't have said that. I'm not a walking corpse. Although I'm not as perceptive as you, even if I'm slow to react, my feelings will eventually become distorted under your subtle scrutiny."

After a long silence, Gu Lai uttered her final question: "Why won't you speak frankly?"

"I didn't think of it at first," Jiang Yi replied. "But when I realized it..."

She spoke rather slowly, and Gu Lai keenly noticed this.

Jiang Yi, who probably only makes others reflect, has never frankly analyzed herself in front of another person.

Some people might enjoy this, even using self-analysis as a topic of conversation over drinks. But for someone like Jiang Yi, this behavior is almost like stripping away all pretense, leaving her completely exposed.

A voice quietly echoed in Gu Lai's mind: You were already so slow to understand, do you really need her to teach you how to understand your lover step by step?

She let go, and in Jiang Yi's dazed gaze, wrapped her arms around her neck and lowered her head to place a feather-like kiss between her brows.

Gu Lai interrupted Jiang Yi's words.

"Don't frown." In the silence, Gu Lai pleaded softly, "My back hurts, I want you to hold me."

Jiang Yi stared at her for a long time, then smiled faintly and raised his palm upwards: "Then help me up."

Gu Lai held her hand, but didn't feel much support. Jiang Yi swayed slightly, then got up and sat on the sofa next to Gu Lai.

Gu Lai skillfully turned to her side and rested her head on Jiang Yi's lap, then wrapped her arms around Jiang Yi's slender waist and took a deep sniff, much like a cat sucking on mint.

Her voice was a little muffled: "It smells so good."

Jiang Yi smoothed Gu Lai's thick, long hair to avoid accidentally pulling it, and asked, "Does the disinfectant smell a bit pungent here? Shall we go downstairs and get in the car?"

Gu Lai shook her head from side to side: "Let's rest a little longer, there's no rush anyway."

Jiang Yi gently stroked her hair, and after a while asked, "Have you read 'Love Notes'?"

Gu Lai: "No."

"'Can you love me so much that I can reveal my vulnerability?'"

Gu Lai just thought he was asking her a question when she heard Jiang Yi repeat the original text in English, quoting the book she hadn't read.

Jiang Yi picked up where Gu Lai left off: "When I realized it, that was probably my state of mind, but I wasn't so sure at the time."

Gu Lai recalled the doubts she had raised at the end of last year, when she was also questioning her own relationship.

Gu Lai said with some difficulty, "Even I am starting to doubt myself..."

Jiang Yi said in a low voice, "Love is one of the things in the world that cannot be hidden. How could the person being loved not feel it? At that time, I was in a vicious cycle and got stuck in a rut, but I couldn't stay oblivious forever."

“In fact, if I didn’t have feelings, I wouldn’t have had the courage to be honest today.” Jiang Yi smiled. “In that video, I told you I was a normal person, or rather, an ordinary person… I wasn’t as resolute as you.”

When she smiled genuinely, her eyes showed the smile first, then her lips. Gu Lai wondered if it was because Jiang Yi was looking down at her, but she suddenly felt that Jiang Yi's smiles were not pleasant.

Gu Lai said, "If your defeated underlings heard this, they might be furious."

“How can they be the same?” Jiang Yi said, then scoffed at himself, “Oh, there are some things in common, though. I can never be generous and say that we should part ways amicably and wish each other well, but just thinking about it makes me sit up in the middle of the night in a panic. Just now when we passed by that emergency room, do you know what I was thinking when I saw the family and medical staff rushing the gurney?”

"—When I didn't want to go into the operating room, it wasn't you who ultimately signed the papers and decided my fate."

Gu Lai tightened her arms around him suddenly, then slowly relaxed after a few breaths: "You know perfectly well that I don't want to hear you say these things."

“It’s unlucky, but everyone has to get old, sick and die eventually,” Jiang Yi said. “Besides, we almost went to the Civil Affairs Bureau because of our relationship. That’s just reality.”

Her fingertips gently caressed Gu Lai's forehead, then his eyebrows, nose, and lips, meticulously tracing his features like a rubbing of a timeless masterpiece.

The movement wasn't forceful, but as Gu Lai stared into Jiang Yi's eyes, she suddenly sensed a familiar strength and aggression that Jiang Yi had been concealing.

Jiang Yi said, "I hope this possibility will disappear forever, but the agreement is still lying on my computer. The fact is that what has happened cannot be changed, and the rift is there. But I want to overturn my previous conclusion. I want to mend the broken mirror, or simply build a new one."

She took a deep breath: "Let's just leave the agreement as it is, but I don't want to go to the Civil Affairs Bureau. Let me pursue you again, okay?"

Gu Lai was silent for a moment, then retorted softly, "You didn't pursue me before, you just struck up a conversation with me."

Jiang Yi blinked and corrected, "It's lust at first sight. So, should I pursue you this time?"

Gu Lai suddenly buried her head in her eyes, hiding her slightly feverish gaze.

Her voice was muffled, but without hesitation: "It's for you."

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"Can you love me so much that I can reveal my vulnerability?" Jiang Yi omitted the first part of the original sentence; the complete sentence is: "Everyone loves strength, but do you love me for my weakness?"

“There are three things that a person cannot hide: a cough, poverty, and love.” —Nabokov, Lolita (adapted in this text).

I'll correct any typos and grammatical errors tomorrow morning. Goodnight, baby!

Thank you for the nutrient solution, Sweetheart: Sleepy, watering with nutrient solution +10

Thanks to Sweetheart for the landmines: 困 (kun), 1 landmine; M, 1 landmine