27. Don't pretend you don't know.

The day after returning from the party, Yi Yi woke up earlier than usual.

The sky was just beginning to lighten, and the city was not yet fully awake. She put her running shoes back on, feeling like it had been a long time since she had run.

The morning air was crisp and fresh, carrying the scent of plants and dew into her lungs. She jogged along the community path, her steps initially heavy and sluggish, her body protesting with aches and pains. But after running a few hundred meters, her blood flowed faster, her breathing gradually found its rhythm, and that heavy, sticky fatigue seemed to be left behind little by little.

She remembered the doctor's words: exercise more, live a healthy life, and maintain a good mood. What used to seem like empty advice had now become the only concrete rope she could grasp. Since her body had sounded the alarm, succumbing to negativity wouldn't turn back the clock. She had to do something, even if it was just the most basic effort to combat "depreciation."

When Zhuang Jia returned from her run, Kai Kai and Zhuang Jia were already up. The aroma of fried eggs wafted from the kitchen; Zhuang Jia was preparing breakfast. Seeing her enter in her workout clothes, sweaty on her forehead, Zhuang Jia paused, slightly taken aback.

"Went for a run?" he asked, a hint of surprise in his voice.

"Mmm," Yi Yi responded and went to the bathroom to take a shower. The warm water washed over her body, washing away the sweat and bringing a refreshing sense of fatigue. In the mirror, her cheeks glowed with a healthy rosy hue after exercising, and the melancholy in her eyes seemed to have faded a bit.

At the breakfast table, the atmosphere remained quiet, but the deliberate, tense avoidance of the past few days seemed to have disappeared. Kai Kai chattered excitedly about the school's upcoming sports meet, with Zhuang Jia occasionally responding. Yi Yi ate quietly, her mind preoccupied with the decision she had made after returning from the party the previous night.

"I'm going out this afternoon," she said to Zhuang Jia, putting down her milk glass.

Where to?

"I've arranged to meet Xian'er to go for a walk and chat about some things." She didn't specify what they would talk about. Xian'er was a rare find among her college classmates—someone who lived a clear-headed and self-assured life, and perhaps she could gain some different perspectives from her.

Zhuang Jia nodded: "Okay. Will you be back for dinner tonight?"

"You should come back."

The conversation was brief, but it accomplished the necessary exchange of information without any unnecessary prying or questioning. This is perhaps the safest and most sustainable way for them to get along at present.

I met Xian'er at a café near an art museum. Xian'er was wearing a sharply tailored off-white trench coat, her makeup was exquisite, and her expression carried the composure unique to independent women, along with a subtle, almost imperceptible, aloofness. She arrived a few minutes later than Yi Yi, and as soon as she sat down, she got straight to the point:

"Judging from your state at the gathering yesterday, I knew something was wrong. What happened? Is there a problem with Zhuang Jia?"

She briefly stated the results of the physical examination and diagnosis, omitting the most private fears and details of her argument with Zhuang Jia, and only stating the facts.

After listening, Xian'er silently took a sip of coffee, neither showing any surprise nor offering immediate comfort. She put down her cup and looked at Yi Yi: "So, you feel like you've 'expired' early? Your sense of self-worth has collapsed? You feel even less confident in front of Zhuang Jia, and you feel like even your body is betraying you, right?"

Every sentence is precise and hits the nail on the head.

Yi Yi nodded, her eyes welling up with tears.

“Foolish.” Xian’er uttered a single word softly, her eyes sharp. “Yi Yi, you’ve read so many books and seen so much, how come you’re still trapped in this most primitive anxiety? Ovarian dysfunction sounds scary, but to put it bluntly, it just means an organ starts to decline in function earlier than expected. Just like some people start getting gray hair at thirty, while others still have a full head of black hair at fifty, what does that mean? Does it mean that people with gray hair are useless? That they don’t deserve to pursue a career, love, and a good life?”

Yi Yi could not deny it.

“Even more foolish.” Xian’er shook her head. “When did your value need to be defined by the function of an organ? You raised an excellent child, you maintained the stable operation of a family for many years, and your own knowledge, emotional intelligence, and resilience—aren’t these valuable? If Zhuang Jia looks down on you because of this physiological change, then he is stupid, it is his loss, not a reason for you to feel inferior.”

She paused, her tone softening: "Of course, I know that feelings are another matter. Especially for women like us who are taught from childhood to be 'perfect' and 'useful,' even the slightest 'imperfection' or 'abnormality' is enough to shake the edifice of our hearts. But Yi Yi, you have to lay a solid foundation for this edifice yourself, and not build it on other people's evaluations or an unchanging physiological state."

"Then... what should I do now?" Yi asked, her voice a little hoarse.

“First, listen to your doctor's advice on treatment and conditioning, but don't treat it like the biggest thing in the world; just treat it as one of the ordinary aspects of managing your health. Second, and most importantly, find something that gives you a sense of ‘excitement’ to do—not for your family, not to prove anything, but just for yourself.” Xian’er’s eyes were piercing. “Didn’t you always want to work? Go find one! Don’t worry about the starting point or whether you like it or not, just start doing it. Action is the best weapon against anxiety. The sense of rhythm and control you rediscover in action will be more effective than any placebo.”

“And Zhuang Jia,” Xian’er added, “if you still want to move on, don’t play mind games. Find a suitable time and calmly tell him your situation and how you feel. Don’t ask for comfort, but state the facts and your needs. It would be best if he could understand, but if he can’t, that’s his lesson. But you need to let him know where your ‘battlefield’ is, don’t let him stumble around blindly, or simply ignore it.”

After leaving the coffee shop and saying goodbye to Xian'er, Yi Yi didn't go home immediately. She went to the nearby art museum and spent the afternoon at a contemporary art exhibition. The abstract lines, vibrant colors, and unconventional expressions, like another language, washed away the boundaries of her established thinking.

It was already late when she got home. Zhuang Jia and Kai Kai were eating, and there was some food left for her on the table.

"You're back?" Zhuang Jia looked up.

"Hmm." Yi Yi washed her hands and sat down at the table. Looking at the simple two dishes and soup on the table, she suddenly said, "Tomorrow is the weekend, let's take Kai Kai to the country park. I heard the autumn colors are beautiful."

Zhuang Jia was somewhat surprised, then nodded: "Okay. I'll check the route."

Kai Kai cheered happily.

That evening, after putting Kaikai to sleep, Yi Yi didn't immediately return to her bedroom. She went to her study, turned on her computer, and began diligently searching for introductory courses and information related to video planning and new media operations. She noted down several online courses and local workshops that seemed reliable. She also compiled a list of several public accounts and small cultural companies that might have recruitment needs, recording them in her memo.

Take action. Even if it's just the smallest first step.

When she returned to the bedroom, Zhuang Jia was already leaning against the headboard reading a book. She washed up, got into bed, and turned off her bedside lamp. In the darkness, the two lay side by side, still with a small distance between them.

"Zhuang Jia," she suddenly spoke, her voice clear in the silence.

"Hmm?" Zhuang Jia responded and closed the book.

“I went to the hospital for a check-up a while ago.” She spoke calmly, as if she were talking about something that had nothing to do with her. “The doctor said that my ovarian function is declining and my hormone levels are not normal. I’ve entered perimenopause early. So I was in a bad mood before, easily tired, and… a little panicked.”

She stated the facts as concisely as possible, without embellishing her emotions or mentioning the argument that night.

Zhuang Jia beside her visibly stiffened. In the darkness, she heard him take a deep breath, and after a long pause, he asked, his voice slightly hoarse, "...Is it serious? What did the doctor say?"

"It's not serious, but you need to adjust your lifestyle and take care of yourself. You might also need medication, depending on the situation." She paused. "I'm telling you this because I think you should know. This isn't your problem; it's a change in my body. But I hope... if I experience mood swings or feel unwell in the future, you can be a little understanding. It's not that I'm deliberately picking a fight or being difficult."

Another silence followed. So long that Yi Yi thought he wouldn't answer.

"You..." Zhuang Jia's voice was hesitant and tinged with regret, "Why didn't you say so sooner? That night... I also..."

“Why didn’t you say so sooner? Things are already like this.” Yi Yi interrupted him, not wanting to dwell on who was right or wrong that night. “I know now, and I’m adjusting. I’m running, watching my diet, and looking for suitable job opportunities. I will handle my own problems. I told you because I hope there can be less misunderstanding between us…”

Zhuang Jia turned over to face her. His silhouette was blurred in the darkness, but Yi Yi could feel his gaze. "The work matter... is there any progress?"

"Still looking. No rush."

"Okay." Zhuang Jia responded, and after a while, he said, "If there's anything I can help you with, just say so."

This time, he didn't say "help you." Instead, he said "helping out," and his tone was much more cautious.

“Okay,” Yi Yi replied.

The conversation ended. There was no hug, no deep exchange, no heartfelt discussion to resolve all misunderstandings. But at least, she herself had cracked open the shell of "secrets" that had tightly enveloped her and separated them from each other, allowing some light and air of truth to seep in.

As for how much of the path this light could illuminate, or whether this air could melt the accumulated ice, she didn't know. But speaking it aloud, like taking her first step during her morning run, signified that she had chosen to face the situation, to move forward, rather than continuing to hide in the darkness and waste her life.

The night was quiet. The man beside me began to breathe evenly.

Yi Yi stared at the ceiling, her eyes wide open. The huge weight that had been pressing on her heart for so long seemed to have been lifted a corner because of her confession. Although the weight remained, at least she was no longer alone, futilely trying to hide it completely in the darkness.

The road ahead is long and arduous. But the first step has already been taken.