50 I didn't mean to push you away

"Would you like to try a stout?" Liu Yuwei rested her elbows on the marble bar, her ponytail brushing across her shoulders as she turned. Jin Lang nodded mechanically, "Okay." The liquid in the thick glass was an almost inky black, like the thick night, hiding countless secrets. He gazed into the liquid, as if seeing the deepest thoughts he had buried over the years—those thoughts he'd chewed and swallowed repeatedly as he tossed and turned in the middle of the night. Liu Yuwei's hand slid down the side of the glass, leaving a clear trail of water. She took a sip, the malty liquid slowly flowing over her tongue, its rich flavor instantly filling her mouth. "People say that because the barley is roasted, stout has flavors of chocolate, nuts, toast, and even caramel." She suddenly chuckled, "But the first time I tried it, it was just bitter!" She pushed the glass toward Jin Lang, their fingertips touching briefly. He leaned his nose close, and the alcohol finally mixed with a faint burnt aroma. He raised his glass and took a sip. Compared to the refreshing, natural white beer just now, the dark beer was indeed bitter at first. Liu Yuwei watched the subtle changes in his expression, a teasing smile playing on the corner of her lips. "Take a few more sips, and you'll slowly appreciate the unique aftertaste of dark beer." She swirled the glass, and the foam on the surface rose and fell like waves on the night sea. "Tasting wine, like knowing people, takes time!" The lights in the bar suddenly dimmed, and a band took the stage to play a slow song. Liu Yuwei's face looked particularly vivid in the alternating light and dark. She suddenly leaned in, and the scent of wine brushed Jin Lang's cheek. "So, under my subtle influence, over time, you gradually saw me clearly and fell in love with me!" Her eyes flickered, and the happy and satisfied smile on her face was like a carefully polished crystal mask, beautiful but fragile and ready to shatter at any moment. Jin Lang reached out and gently placed his palm on the top of her hair, rubbing it as he had so many years ago. The action was so natural that both of them were stunned. Liu Yuwei was the first to come back to her senses, her smile widening a little, but a faint reddened at the corners of her eyes. "Looking back now, my senior year was probably the fastest time of my first 30 years." Liu Yuwei's gaze passed through him, landing on something far away. "When we graduated, my roommate told me that long-distance relationships were really dangerous. I swore to her that we would never break up." She chuckled, her laughter filled with so many emotions that Jin Lang couldn't read. "But actually, after saying that, I was actually quite panicked. After all, life is always full of uncertainties." "My first time in Berlin...

"Would you like to try a dark beer instead?" Liu Yuwei rested her elbows on the marble bar, her ponytail sweeping across her shoulders as she turned around.

Jin Lang nodded mechanically and said, "Okay."

The wine in the thick glass is almost inky black, just like the dark night, hiding endless secrets.

He stared at the liquid in the cup, as if he saw the thoughts that he had buried deep in his heart over the years - those thoughts that he had chewed and swallowed over and over again when he tossed and turned in bed at night.

Liu Yuwei's hand slid down the side of the cup, leaving a transparent trail of water. Taking a sip, the malty liquid slowly flowed across her tongue, its rich taste instantly filling her mouth.

“People say that because the barley is roasted, stout has flavors of chocolate, nuts, toast, and even caramel.”

She suddenly chuckled, "But when I first drank it, it just tasted bitter!"

She pushed the wine glass towards Jin Lang, and their fingertips touched briefly.

He put his nose close to the beer, and the alcohol finally mixed with a faint burnt aroma. He raised the glass and took a sip. Compared to the refreshing and natural white beer just now, the dark beer was indeed bitter at first.

Liu Yuwei looked at the subtle changes in his facial expression, with a teasing smile on the corner of his lips.

"If you drink a few more sips, you'll slowly be able to taste the unique aftertaste of dark beer."

She shook the wine glass, and a layer of foam on the surface rose and fell like rolling waves in the sea at night.

“Wine tasting is probably like getting to know people; it takes time!”

The lights in the bar suddenly dimmed, and a band took the stage to play a slow song. Liu Yuwei's face looked particularly vivid in the alternating light and dark.

She suddenly leaned closer, and the scent of wine brushed against Jin Lang's cheek.

"So, under my subtle influence over time, you gradually saw through me and fell in love with me!"

There was a gleam in her eyes, and the happy and satisfied smile on her face was like a carefully polished crystal mask, beautiful but fragile and could shatter at any time.

Jin Lang couldn't help but reach out his hand, gently covering the top of her hair with his palm, and rubbing it like he did many years ago. This action was so natural that both of them were stunned.

Liu Yuwei came back to his senses first, his smile widened a little, but the corners of his eyes turned slightly red.

“Looking back now, my senior year was probably the fastest time of the first 30 years of my life.”

Liu Yuwei's gaze passed through him and fell on somewhere far away.

"When I graduated, my roommate told me that long-distance relationships were really dangerous. I swore to her that we would never break up."

She chuckled, and that laughter contained too many emotions that Jin Lang couldn't understand. "But actually, after saying that, I was very panicked myself. After all, life is always full of variables."

"I called you on the first night I arrived in Berlin. Do you remember?"

Jin Lang nodded. "How could I not remember? I was walking back and forth in the stairwell near the toilet in the early morning, scaring all the students who were up at night."

Liu Yuwei imagined the scene in his mind and burst out laughing.

"It was raining in Berlin that day. The house I rented was like a small warehouse on the second floor. The landlord assembled the bed frame in front of me and brought in a pitifully thin mattress."

"I cleaned up all night and was exhausted. After taking a shower, I just wanted to collapse on the bed. But who would have thought that foreign beds were so flimsy? They actually collapsed when I sat down on them. I only weigh 100 pounds...

"Well, it's not like I haven't hugged you before!"

Jin Lang blurted out, then realized that this seemed too intimate.

Liu Yuwei didn't expect him to say that, so he quickly lowered his head to drink to hide his panic.

"It's funny now, but I was so upset at the time. I could only cry while dragging the mattress to the ground. Listening to the rain outside, I thought, since I hadn't reported yet, I might as well go back home!"

"So that's how it is." His voice tightened. "I asked you what was wrong the other day, but you refused to tell me."

"It's really a bit embarrassing. I have to consider the good image I have in your heart."

The heavy atmosphere just now seemed to have changed. More and more people came into the bar, and the noisy voices and clinking of glasses built an invisible barrier around them.

Jin Lang raised his glass, and Liu Yuwei clinked it with his. The crisp sound of the glass colliding seemed to shatter some invisible barrier.

"That day you advised me that since I had made the choice, I should walk this path well."

She stared at the swaying liquid in the cup, her voice so soft it sounded like a sigh, "You also said... you would wait for me."

Liu Yuwei's expression was bitter and gloomy.

"But you see, we eventually got separated."

Jin Lang looked at her trembling eyelashes and moist eyes, his heart tightly clenched.

The confusion and grievance in his heart broke through the dam of reason, and he said in a hoarse voice, "Xiao Yu, I didn't break my promise. It was you who said you wanted to break up!"

This sentence was like a match, instantly igniting the alcohol churning in Liu Yuwei's stomach. She suddenly put down the wine glass, and the bottom of the glass hit the table with a crisp sound.

"Jin Lang!"

Her voice trembled slightly with suppressed anger. "I said I liked you, and you came running over to be my boyfriend. I said I liked someone else, and you agreed to break up with me without saying a word."

She gave a short laugh that seemed to have a sting in it.

"It's as if the whole relationship between us depends on me. I raise the anchor and the ship moves forward, but I drop the anchor and we stay where we are."

Jin Lang wanted to explain, but Liu Yuwei raised his hand to stop him.

"If I hadn't called you during the Truth or Dare game, would you have continued to pretend you knew nothing?"

Her voice rose higher and higher. "I said I wanted to break up, and you only asked why."

The music stopped at this moment. In the brief silence, every word Liu Yuwei spoke was as clear as a knife.

"Yes! I mean, I've fallen in love with someone else, but shouldn't a normal person continue to ask who that person is and why they changed their mind?"

Her fingers were clenched tightly around the wine glass, their knuckles turning white.

"But you, you only answered with one word, OK."

"As my boyfriend, shouldn't you be depressed, angry, sad, and furious after being unilaterally broken up with? But you didn't. You were so calm that I even suspected you were just waiting for me to break up!"

She slammed the table angrily.

"Xiao Yu...that's not the case!"

Jin Lang wanted to hold her trembling hand, but she suddenly dodged him.

His eyes grew dimmer. They had quarreled before when they were together, but Liu Yuwei had never been like this - every word he said was sharp and every sentence was heart-wrenching.

"Have you ever really thought about how we got to this point?"

Her voice suddenly dropped, but her words were sharper.

"To put it bluntly, flies don't bite seamless eggs, but I guess you don't even know where the seam is, right?"

"I…"

Jin Lang's throat tightened. Under the light, he saw that Liu Yuwei's eyes were not only glimmering with anger, but also disappointment, hurt, and a kind of sadness that he couldn't understand.

The pent-up emotions for years were finally released. Liu Yuwei didn't give Jin Lang a chance to speak at all. She just wanted to vent all the words that had been lingering in her heart for many years under the influence of alcohol.

"I once heard that if you love someone, you can't wait to share everything with them. If he loves you too, he will enjoy it because he doesn't want to miss every moment of your life."

"Back then, when I first arrived here, I had a hundred things I wanted to tell you every day. Tired, excited, happy, sad, I wanted to tell you everything."

"At first, you would listen to me patiently and reply to my messages no matter how early or late you saw them. Later, after just a few words, you said you were busy. When I asked you what you were busy with, you would always say just two words: graduation project. Our chat history is like a robot with a set reply."

"I went to the orientation event and sent you a photo. You replied with three words. It was really lively."

"I told you there's a delicious German sausage place. When you come, we can go together. You said, um."

"The German course is harder than I thought. I'm under a lot of pressure and worried I won't graduate on time. You said you believed in me."

With every word, her voice became deeper, as if she was trapped in a deep sea whirlpool of memories and was about to drown.

"At first I consoled myself by thinking it was definitely the time difference, but gradually, you didn't say a single word to me for the entire day."

"Waiting is really too hard."

She raised her head and looked directly at Jin Lang, tears in her eyes shining in the light.

"Do you know what happened the day I broke up with you?"

Jin Lang's eyes flushed red, and he shook his head, feeling as if there was a ball of cotton stuck in his throat.

"You don't know, or you just don't care?!"

Liu Yuwei shook her head in self-mockery, and quickly wiped away the tears from the corners of her eyes with the back of her hand.

"That day I posted anonymously on the international student forum, asking everyone if I should go back to China to look for you."

She chuckled. "Thinking about it now, it's ridiculous. Everyone tried to convince me to wake up. I remember one message that said time and distance are never obstacles to love. The real problem is that his heart isn't with you anymore."

Jin Lang wanted to refute, but found that he could not make a sound.

"I don't think he knows anything at all. Why would he talk nonsense? I was in a bad mood, so luckily I ran straight from the library to the bar."

"I don't remember how much I drank. I was half asleep on my way home that night and took a wrong road. I was using my phone to get directions when three black men came towards me carrying bottles of beer. One of them had dreadlocks and whistled at me."

Liu Yuwei's hands tightly grasped her forearms.

"I almost turned around and ran subconsciously, but I didn't expect those people to catch up immediately. Maybe my legs were weak from drinking, or maybe I kicked a raised stone slab, but when I turned the corner, I fell to the ground."

Her speech became faster and faster, as if she was eager to get rid of this memory.

"Hearing the footsteps getting closer, I almost rolled to my feet, leaving my bag behind and grabbing my phone, just thinking about running."

Liu Yuwei's voice was a little trembling, and she seemed to have fallen into that desperate situation again.

When Jin Lang looked at her, he felt as if he was sunk to the bottom of a cold lake, feeling so depressed that he couldn't breathe.

"Finally, I met a Belgian girl who lived next door near my home. She took me to the police station to report the crime and accompanied me to the hospital to treat my injuries. It was already early in the morning when I got home. I called you, but no one answered. Later, your phone was turned off."

"I called again and again, but couldn't get through. At dawn, I posted a circle of friends message that was visible only to you and my college roommate."

A wry smile appeared on the corner of his mouth. "I've been waiting all day. Others have shown their concern for you, but you still haven't responded."

"Xiaoyu, I didn't see it, I'm sorry..."

"But how come you saw it right away when I asked for a breakup?"

"I…"

Jin Lang was speechless. He couldn't even bring himself to call it a coincidence at this point. His eyes fell on the tiny scar on her wrist.

Liu Yuwei lifted her glass, the cold, bitter liquid slid down her throat, gradually extinguishing her anger. The bar lights cast mottled shadows on her face, and her voice became calm and desolate, like the ruins after a storm.

"I thought if I told you I liked someone, you'd get jealous, regret it, and then buy a plane ticket and come begging for my forgiveness, just like in the novels!"

She glanced out the window, and the night of Berlin came in through the glass.

"In the end, you readily agreed to break up."

“Once a relationship has passed its expiration date, even the treasure it once held can be thrown away like trash.”

Every word Liu Yuwei said was like a whip soaked in salt water, lashing Jin Lang's almost broken heart. He no longer tried to interrupt, but silently endured this "lingchi" that came eight years late.

Seeing that he did not respond, Liu Yuwei continued to speak slowly, her voice as light as a feather, but it fell heavily on Jin Lang's heart.

"Later, I started to wonder if this relationship, which started as a game, was destined to have no good outcome."

"I even used the TV drama as an example, wondering if you were sick like Wang Lichuan and were deliberately pushing me away in this way."

Liu Yuwei shook her head helplessly, and a few strands of hair fell down.

"Being in love is so stupid and ridiculous!"

The beer glass left a circular stain on the table. She spread it with her finger, casually drawing a smiley face. The water seeped into the wood grain, and the smile gradually blurred, just like their past feelings.

The two of them were silent for a long time. The band finished singing the whole song. Jin Lang finally spoke softly, his voice low and hoarse.

"I'm not sick, and I didn't mean to push you away on purpose."

Liu Yuwei raised her eyes to look at him and found that his eyes were darker than ever before under the light.

"But a lot of things did happen during that time. My dad was in a traffic accident and stayed in the hospital for a while, but he didn't make it in the end."

Jin Lang's tone was exceptionally calm, as if he was recounting a past event that had nothing to do with him.

Liu Yuwei's pupils suddenly contracted. She knew Jin Lang's father had passed away, but the media reports had always described him as dying young from illness. She had never connected the breakup with this incident.

Shocked, she blurted out a question.

"Why didn't you say it then?"

The lights in the bar suddenly became dazzling at this moment, revealing the fine lines at the corners of Jin Lang's eyes and the dots of blue stubble on his chin.

She suddenly realized that perhaps they had all been suffering in their own hell for the past eight years.

Jin Lang did not answer directly. He stared at the gradually fading smile on the table and continued talking to himself.

"Two days before you broke up with me, I was dealing with my father's funeral."

"You know, even after a person's heart rate returns to zero, the electrocardiogram will still fluctuate. It's completely different from what you see on TV."

Memories flooded back like a tide, and his eyes became a little dazed.

"When I attended the funerals of my elders as a child, I didn't understand anything and just thought the procedures were cumbersome."

"After my father passed away, I became the family's breadwinner. That's when I realized there were so many formalities involved when someone dies, leaving no time for grief."

"I need to get a death certificate, contact the funeral home, choose a photo, prepare a farewell ceremony, and select a cemetery..."

He mechanically recited the cold procedures, each word like a sharp blade, piercing Liu Yuwei's heart mercilessly. Her nails dug deep into her palms, seemingly trying to ease the surging emotions.

"Now that I think about it, I should have seen your call that morning, but there were so many things waiting for me that I didn't get around to replying, and then my phone ran out of battery."

He paused. "I never thought the first person I'd see ashes would be my dad's. He went from being 1.80 meters tall and weighing over 100 kilograms to just 5 kilograms of grayish-white powder."

Liu Yuwei suddenly felt that the air around him became thinner, and he fell into a huge fantasy world. His soul was detached and floated in the air. He watched Jin Lang wearing black clothes and black pants, standing in the mourning hall and bowing to every mourner. His eyes were empty, like a puppet that had been possessed by another body.

She shivered involuntarily, and the coldness ran from the soles of her feet to the top of her head.

Jin Lang noticed her strangeness, a trace of heartache flashed in his eyes, and his voice instantly became gentle.

"I'm sorry, did I scare you?"

Liu Yuwei came to his senses and slowly shook his head.

Jin Lang continued speaking, but his voice became more hoarse.

"Actually, my dad hasn't driven a truck in person for a couple of years. He had back problems when he was young, and he's getting older and less energetic, so he's really not suited to long-distance trucking."

"When he was in the hospital, someone came to visit him, and I found out that his transportation company had run into trouble six months ago and needed money to make ends meet, so he took on several long-distance orders himself."

"You were about to leave the country at that time, and I couldn't think of anything else. A few times, my mother called me and asked me to come home. I asked her if she was okay, but she was hesitant and couldn't explain clearly, so I used the excuse of being busy to get by."

His eyes were slightly red. "During the summer vacation, I thought I would visit you at Christmas and give you a surprise, so I secretly applied for a Schengen visa. I even contacted my dad and asked him to get bank statements and proof of assets. Even so, I still didn't find anything."

Jin Lang's voice became softer and softer.

"My father's funeral went smoothly. My relatives all said that I was a good son who could support the family and take good care of my mother for my father."

"But every word of praise they said seemed like a mockery of me."

His voice finally couldn't help but tremble.

"If I had been back to the Acropolis during that six months, I would have known that my dad was driving a sports car to deliver goods again. Even if I couldn't stop him, at least I could have spent more time with him."

Liu Yuwei's tears slid down silently. She thought of the circle of friends she posted on the day of their breakup. That boring "love test" seemed so absurd and ridiculous in the face of life and death, like a clumsy farce.

"When it was late at night and everyone was asleep, I picked up my phone and saw the message you sent me."

Jin Lang's gaze fell on her face, with an indistinguishable complex emotion, and despair in his tone.

"You said you wanted to break up, you said you liked someone else, and my first reaction was that God was punishing me. I had no right to disagree."

"I don't know how I fell asleep that night. Maybe I was just too tired."

"But when I woke up the next day, I regretted it. I went through our chat history and looked at all the photos and shares you posted on social media. There were a few people who frequently liked and commented on your posts, and I clicked on their profile pictures to see if they were male or female."

"I know I wasn't able to take care of you during that time," Jin Lang raised his head and looked directly at her, "but I don't think I'd give others an opportunity to take advantage of me."

There was a hint of long-lost stubbornness in his voice. "I wanted to call you, but then I thought if I could meet you, maybe you'd feel sorry for me and change your mind. So, I decided to go to Berlin to find you after my dad's seventh day."

"Then...why didn't you come?"

Liu Yuwei asked tentatively, as if touching a dream that could be shattered at any time.

Jin Lang smiled bitterly, and the helplessness and regret hidden in his smile made Liu Yuwei's heart clenched.

"Because of my mom."