Chapter 4 Prayer (Catching Bugs) I knelt before her, just like my mother…

As Li Chen helped him up, he covered his mouth, then opened one of his hands and pressed it against his Laogong acupoint with some force.

Shen Zhengyuan suddenly opened his eyes. Even before the pain in his hand came, he felt waves of warmth emanating from another person.

His eyes were open, but everything in front of him was pitch black. He seemed to be awake, but his mind was not yet fully awake from the nightmare. He would occasionally mutter words like "Master" or "Senior Brother".

When he fully regained consciousness, he found himself being held by Li Chenjin. Li Chenjin was coaxing him like a child, pinching the acupoint on his hand with one hand and holding him with the other, gently patting his back.

Gradually, the panic, fear, and resentment, like things fabricated in a dream, drifted further and further away from him as he regained consciousness, until they disappeared completely and he could no longer feel them.

He felt he should push her away, but instead his body moved uncontrollably to hug her, pulling her into his arms, listening to her breathing, feeling her body temperature and heartbeat, as if only in this way could he feel that he was still alive.

“A troubled mind is prone to nightmares. Why don’t you tell me what’s on your mind? Keeping it bottled up for too long is really bad for your health. Even if it doesn’t harm your health, it can easily turn you into a ruthless, heartless monster who kills without batting an eye—that’s not a good thing,” Li Chen said. “Anyway, it’s just the two of us here now, so I won’t tell anyone else and won’t embarrass you. If you’re really worried, then you tell me what’s on your mind, and I’ll tell you what’s on my mind, and we’ll be even, how about it?”

As she spoke, she suddenly pulled out something, and when she opened it, she found it was a tinderbox, which she didn't know where she had found it from.

As a few sparks rose, though they could not illuminate this dark room or this dim world, they were enough to light his eyes and allow him to see things clearly.

Li Chen had removed her hairpin at some point, and her soft, long hair was now draped over her body. In the firelight, it was tinged with a warm glow, making her appear extremely gentle, like a luminous pearl illuminating the darkness.

He gazed quietly at her face.

Looking at this person whose origins, background, and purpose he didn't know.

He shouldn't say much more to her, because she was simply too untrustworthy, and he didn't dare to open his heart to someone so easily, but...

Perhaps, as she said, when you've been keeping things bottled up inside for too long, you eventually need to talk to someone about them.

He said what he had to say, and she should say what she had to say. That's fair. A fair transaction has nothing to do with whether or not you open your heart to someone.

"May I know your name?"

Li Chenjin originally thought he wouldn't speak, but he never expected that the first thing he said was this question.

"Li Chenjin." She smiled. "My name is Li Chenjin."

He chuckled, not caring whether it was her real name or a made-up one. In any case, he didn't have the energy to think about it right now, and simply said casually, "It's a good name."

After saying this, he lowered his eyes, paused for a long time, and then continued, "Li Chenjin, tell me, do gods really exist in this world?"

She looked at him quietly, neither amused nor curious by his question. She simply looked at him calmly and gently, which made him unconsciously speak his heart: "My father passed away when I was five years old. Before he died, all my mother could do was pray to heaven and to the gods, and then stay by his side, quietly watching him breathe his last."

"After my father passed away, my mother's tears flowed incessantly for a day and a night, until her tears dried up and she could only bleed from them. She left us when I was seven years old. Before she left, I followed my mother's example, kneeling beside her, holding her hand, and praying to heaven, begging the gods not to take her away..."

"But the result was the same as when she prayed for my father, it was all in vain. I was so young at the time that I couldn't even bury my mother's body properly. When I went back in the middle of the night to take another look at my mother, all I saw was a pack of wild dogs and her body that had been devoured by them... and was unrecognizable."

“When I thought I was going to die, I met my master, my uncle, my senior brothers and sisters. They knew everything I had been through and told me that with them there, nothing would happen to me anymore. I thought… God had finally taken pity on me, but now they are all dead, all of them are dead…”

"Li Chenjin, tell me, do gods really exist in this world?"

Li Chenjin: "..."

Shen Zhengyuan is only a teenager now. At such a young age, it seems that he has been suffering since birth. No one knows how much unspeakable suffering and bitterness he has endured.

At such a young age, he should be free and carefree, but he can't stay idle at all. In addition to the pain in his heart, he is also seriously injured. He will have to rebuild the cultivation world on his own and shoulder such a heavy responsibility.

He fulfilled his duties day after day, year after year, so it's no wonder he eventually turned into a cold-blooded and heartless demon.

He can only confide his sorrows now because she is there. But when she is not around, who will he turn to for comfort?

I suppose I can only talk to myself and mutter to myself.

She looked at Shen Zhengyuan and smiled gently. "What you really want to ask isn't whether God exists or not; what you want to ask is yourself. You're wondering if, if it were possible to go back to the time before everything happened, you could change the final outcome. You've always blamed yourself, and you haven't let yourself go."

Shen Zhengyuan looked at her, his lips trembling slightly before he whispered, "If only I could go back to the past, if only I could have been more useful back then..."

Shen Zhengyuan looked somewhat dazed, as if he were about to fall back into the nightmare he had just experienced.

Li Chen listened to his words and still smiled as he looked at him, saying, "The past is the past. To look back now is like reading the last page of a storybook first, knowing the ending before turning the pages of the story. That's not fair to the people in the storybook."

"Besides, even if we went back in time, given our limited abilities then, we might not be able to make a better choice. It's better to let go of the past, and let go of the past self, besides..."

"If the you of the past knew that the you of the future would blame him like this, he would definitely be very sad. Be kind to yourself, Shen Zhengyuan, whether it is the past, the present, or the future you."

Shen Zhengyuan slowly raised his eyes and looked at the person in front of him.

He hadn't noticed before, but upon closer inspection today, he discovered that she had such clear eyes, like a bright and clear mountain stream, flowing gently. Just one glance from her would bring comfort and tranquility, gradually calming his heart. Even his resentment, unwillingness, and pain gradually subsided.

“If you still have family members alive…” He paused before continuing, “If you still have family members alive, go home as soon as possible…”

Li Chenjin: "..."

"Actually, I really want to go home, but unfortunately, I can't. If I insist on going back, I might lose my life there." Li Chenjin smiled slightly. "I value my life very much, and I won't do anything that would lead to my death."

Shen Zhengyuan frowned, seemingly surprised by her words. "Why?"

“Perhaps… it’s because I don’t remember where my biological parents are,” Li Chen said. “From the time I can remember, I was taken in by my adoptive father. Besides me, he also has a pair of biological children who are a few years older than me. But at first, they didn’t bully me and got along very well with me.”

"But then one day, my adoptive father fell ill and needed to find someone to take over the family business. Originally, the elders in the family all thought that my adoptive father's biological son, who is also my sworn brother, should be chosen, but unexpectedly, he chose me. Naturally, my sworn brother was not satisfied with my adoptive father's actions, so he took advantage of my adoptive father's serious illness and inability to take care of family affairs... and found a way to kick me out. If I go back now, wouldn't that be asking for trouble?"

"And what about your adoptive father?" Shen Zhengyuan asked.

“My adoptive father… he’s dead.” Li Chen smiled. “So now no one in that family wants me to go back. Even my sister, who was closest to me, has tacitly accepted it. After I was kicked out of the house, she stayed in the place where I was kicked out for a whole month, but she didn’t come looking for me.”

"So, I'd better not go back and bother them. Besides, my health is really not good. What if they start to attack me and accidentally kill me? I'm still very afraid of pain."

Shen Zhengyuan: "..."

He didn't say anything more, but he seemed to believe her.

Seeing that he seemed to have completely woken up from the previous nightmare, Li Chen was about to lie down and continue sleeping when he suddenly heard the person next to him say, "...I'm sorry."

This sudden "sorry" made Li Chen turn his head involuntarily.

She had previously thought that Shen Zhengyuan was more like a living person hundreds of years ago, but she didn't expect that he would have had a sense of morality hundreds of years ago as well. He actually apologized to her and looked genuinely guilty, probably because he felt that he had brought up her sad memories.

It seems there really is still hope for him.

"It's nothing." Li Chen looked at him and said softly, "Isn't life always like this? There are always eight or nine out of ten things that don't go as planned. Even the bright moon in the sky has its phases of waxing and waning. Why should a mortal like me demand perfection?"

Shen Zhengyuan was clearly taken aback, showing a somewhat surprised expression, as if he hadn't expected her to say such a thing.

But that initial surprise quickly faded, replaced by a deep sense of mockery.

A mocking smile curled at the corner of his lips, as if mocking her, or perhaps himself. Finally, he lowered his eyes and said, "The wicked in this world always seem to have a more fulfilling life than the virtuous..."

"Whether something is perfect or not, only each person knows for sure. What you see as perfection may not be perfect in the eyes of others," Li Chenjin said gently. "As for good and evil, it's difficult to judge with the naked eye. There are many people in this world who don't know good and evil, thinking that what benefits them is good and what doesn't is evil. Some even think that small acts of kindness are not good and small acts of evil are not evil. I suppose you yourself sometimes can't even see what is good and what is evil?"

"As the scriptures say, most people in this world have 'unstable nature and consciousness, and their actions, whether good or evil, arise according to their circumstances.' Too many people cannot see the cause, only the effect, but forget that for a tree to bear fruit, the most important thing is the seed buried in the ground." (Note 2)

Shen Zhengyuan paused for a moment, then asked, "How do you view cause and effect in the world?"

"Bad habits lead to bad karma, good habits lead to good results—this has always been the case," Li Chen said. (Note 3)

Shen Zhengyuan paused for a moment, then said, "So you really are from the Zen meditation world..."

"Look at what you're saying. Could it be that you've been doubting what I told you all along?" she said slowly. "After talking for so long, it turns out you've been thinking about this. Sigh... Well then, continue to doubt me. I'm going to sleep now. I still have to fix the roof tomorrow."

After Li Chen finished speaking, she turned over and lay down. However, Shen Zhengyuan did not give up his questioning just because she lay down. He continued, "The Zen Cultivation World is the least affected place and the safest place right now. Why do you want to leave the Zen Cultivation World?"

"Didn't I tell you before? I've taken a liking to you, and I came here specifically for you." She replied with her eyes closed and her tone was very gentle. "Alright, now it's really time to sleep. Fixing the roof is very tiring."

She genuinely wants to quickly move on from this topic, lest some of her fabricated stories suddenly become untenable.

This guy may be young, but he's not stupid; he's not easy to fool.

"you……"

"sleep!"

Before Shen Zhengyuan could finish speaking, he was cut off by the words "Li Chenjin." Seeing that she seemed genuinely sleepy, he simply stopped talking.

In truth, he didn't know what he wanted to ask or what he wanted to know. His mind was still a mess, and he would often stare blankly into the void, not knowing what he was thinking when he was lost in thought.

Sometimes, a sudden surge of hatred would arise for no apparent reason, and other times he would feel nothing at all, as if his soul had been ripped away and he had already died along with his family and friends.

He wanted revenge, revenge on those who caused all this, revenge on those who turned a blind eye to the suffering, revenge on those involved, revenge on those uninvolved, in short...

He wanted to kill everyone.

He couldn't bear to see his enemies happy, couldn't bear to see his enemies live to a ripe old age, and even more so, couldn't bear to see those who had nothing to do with him enjoying family reunions.

He wanted to drag everyone down into the mire, to make everyone suffer as much as he did, as if only if all living beings in the world suffered with him, he would no longer feel pain in his heart.

When the idea first came to him, he even began to doubt whether he was going crazy. But later, after he survived and dragged his wounded body out of the cultivation world in a daze, seeing people huddled together by the roadside, encouraging each other to live on, his idea became even more resolute.

Why is he the only one who is so lonely?

Why should he be the only one suffering?

Why should a savior always have to make sacrifices?

Why should the savior have to die, while those who are like ants and have made no contribution can reap the benefits?

Everyone deserves to die...

He had actually thought about what he would do after rebuilding the Dharma cultivation world; it was nothing more than seeking revenge.

To take revenge on this land, to take revenge on the instigator, to take revenge on all living beings, and to take revenge on himself...

If he could have done more, if his cultivation was deeper, if he had been born earlier, if...

Every "if" was like a sharp sword. As he kept throwing out questions, those swords kept piercing his heart. Every minute and every second afterward, he was enduring the pain of being pierced by a thousand swords.

Looking back now, just as she said, what he couldn't forgive and hated most was actually himself.

He stared blankly at the ceiling, his eyes wide open, trying to figure out what he still had. The more he thought about it, the more he realized that he seemed to have nothing left.

He lost everything that truly belonged to him.

"Li Chen Jin..."

He seemed to murmur the name, but the people around him didn't react at all; their breathing was long and even as if they had fallen into a deep sleep.

Based on his previous understanding of Li Chenjin, he indeed couldn't tell which of her words were true and which were false.

She seemed to have talked too much about deceiving people, and could come up with all sorts of things at will. Her expression made it impossible to tell what she was thinking, making it difficult for people to figure out her true intentions.

A note from the author:

(Note 1) From Tao Yuanming's "Returning Home"

(Note 2) From the Ksitigarbha Bodhisattva Sutra

(Note 2) Same as above, from the Ksitigarbha Bodhisattva Sutra.